In Love w/ Straight Best Friend?

So as hard as it’s been to suppress my feelings recently, Friday night took things to a whole different level. After pregaming with my friends before this annual 3-day festival, we went down to the festival and invited a ton of people back to one of my friend’s house for a party, and eventually about 50 people showed up later, everybody was drunk, I hooked up with my ex, overall it was a decent night, but my friend who I’m in love with seemed like he was ignoring me, so for as great a night as it had been, it didn’t mean much if he was mad/annoyed at me. So eventually, everybody left, and it came down to my friend and two of our other friends (girls) who were also drunk and couldn’t drive, so we slept in the party host’s upstairs of his garage, where the party was (it had a bed, some chairs, ping pong table, empty bottles everywhere). It had been a mildly cold night, at least for May, so by the time everyone was going to bed, around 3am, it was pretty cold, so while the two girl friends started out sleeping in separate chairs and ended up sleeping with each other to stay warm, I was freezing on the one bed in the room. So as we were getting to bed, my friend (the guy) crashes next to me on the bed, and then in some lapse of memory in between then and falling asleep, we ended up spooning the ENTIRE night. Words cannot even describe how perfect that was for me. To have the guy you’re in love with, think about nonstop, for him to spoon with you (and I was the little spoon too), I couldn’t have wished for a better ending to the night. As freezing as it was, with him around me, I wasn’t cold at all, and I didn’t even fall asleep for probably an hour because of how elated I was. When we woke up, I was turned the other direction, with one arm wrapped under him, my head tucked in to his chest… I wish words could do justice to how perfect it was. And the best part, is that where I would have feared he would have acted weird to me the following day, everything was just like how it was before. We woke up, got breakfast, he helped me puke on the side of the road, and then we went back to his house to go back to sleep (unfortunately no spooning this time), although he showered and came into his room, where I was just waking up, and showed no apprehension at stripping completely naked in front of me (I hope it wasn’t really obvious I kept glancing in his direction, I did sneak a few pictures though). When we were hanging out in his basement though, I swear he was just teasing me. We were sitting on his couch, and he would let his shirt ride up, but as soon as I would reach for his stomach he would move a little further away and show a little more skin, until at one point he turned over and pulled the back of his shorts down showing his ass (which drives me insane) completely. He then proceeded to tell me how badly he wanted to get a handjob tonight because of how horny he was. Goddamn if only he knew... Later, we went back to our friend’s house, and threw another party, got drunk again... I truthfully don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I was in that moment pressed up against him, and I want more than anything for him to have felt the same way.
So I don’t really know why I’m still posting on this, but I guess at this point it feels good to put everything down in words, and I guess if you guys find it entertaining to hear how it’s going, I’m fine with keeping it going I guess. So thanks to everyone who’s commented so far and I love getting any comments or feedback. Thanks again.

 

It’s been a really, really hectic month. After taking $50 from my dad, and the ensuing series of concerned discussions and anger, I was grounded for a month, which included the canceling of my trip to Los Angeles. Although on the surface it’s merely a vacation, it was a lot more to me. In the midst of a very stressful, confusing, and challenging year in which my grades slipped significantly, I fell in love with my best friend, and grew distant from my parents, the Los Angeles trip served as a light at the end of the tunnel, one which gained new meaning when the trip, which was originally just going to be me staying with my friend in Los Angeles for 10 days, became myself, and the guy who I’m in love with coming along too. So when they revoked that trip, I kind of had this serious, self-reflective night where I took a step back and realized I needed to change something, and that big change, was that I should probably come out to my parents. So, whether I did it to take some pressure off myself, or to salvage the Los Angeles trip, I don’t really know. But I did it. Probably sooner than I was ready to. But I did it anyway. And in all reality I don’t have anything to complain about, as both my parents were supportive (although completely blindsided by me telling them, and had a lot of questions). The only long-term fallout of me telling them is that I have this constant fear that things are gonna be different somehow, and I don’t want them to be. So while I had panic attacks in the middle of the night every night for a week after telling them, I’ve mellowed out a little bit (whether that’s me actually coping or the antidepressant meds, I’m also not sure.)
Anyways, they decided that the Los Angeles trip wasn’t a good idea with me being in such a fragile mindset, so we decided to postpone it about a month. In the span of a few days where the Los Angeles trip didn’t look like it was going to happen at all, I came out to my friend in Los Angeles who I was planning on telling at the end of the trip, and he was just as supportive and understanding as I could have ever hoped. So now, I’m here. I have a new therapist, new medication, and while ALOT has changed in the past month, I’m still in love with my best friend. My therapist thinks I should wait it out a little bit and try and weather the constant storm of emotions until I hit a point where in a moment where I’m in desperate need of affirmation or final closure that it will/won’t work out, I come out to him (maybe at least as bisexual at first).

 

Unfortunately, things haven’t been great lately, when I’m with him in a group, I feel like he avoids me, when I’m with him 1 on 1, he doesn’t seem as affectionate as he used to, to the point where even from a strictly ‘friend’ standpoint, I feel like he doesn’t care about me. It kills me for so many reasons that he’ll casually make fun of me for something I said, or come to dinner with me 1 on 1 just to ignore me completely and stare at his phone. Of course, being that I’m totally in love with him, yeah, it’s not fun. On the other hand, simply from a stand point of him being my best friend, it’s not easy to feel such a negative dramatic shift from the way things used to be, completely unannounced. He ditches me to hang out with my other friends, and what kills me the most is first, remembering how things used to be, and second, the fact that deep down he knows, regardless of love interests attached, that I care about him, even on a best friend/personal level much more than any of our other friends. He gets annoyed when I ask him if he’s doing alright, even though I know he’s struggling with his parents’ divorce the same way I struggled with the same thing when my parents went through it when I was 10. And the thing is, if he simply didn’t want to talk about it, then I would understand, but the fact that he completely fails to acknowledge the gesture, that’s what hurts me more than anything. It seems so ridiculous now that I like him as much as I do, when I think about how one sided this whole thing seems sometimes. We took a cab to meet our friends at concert together on Friday night, and we took beer and got drunk in the back of the cap together and we laughed and I had my arm around him walking from the parking lot to the venue while once every few minutes he would try and brush his hand against my abs, and even in being drunk I still felt jealous of the thought that I could be this happy all the time if he liked me back. And we went through the concert, me by his side the entire night making sure he wasn’t too obviously drunk around the cops, and eventually by the end of the night, we couldn’t find a cap, so after everyone had left we just lied down on the pavement of the parking lot, both drunk, and we just laid there looking up at the stars and talking for a little while and we just laid there for two hours until eventually his dad picked us up, but at one point my head started to hurt from laying on the gravel so he let me rest my head on his chest, and it was another one of those situations where I felt safe, and everything was perfect, and nothing else seemed to matter. And it sucks so much how fleeting and rare those moments are now, and it took both of us being drunk to achieve that. Now I tend to have a lot of self doubt a lot, that I’m skinny and nobody is gonna find me attractive, and that I’m too needy, and that I’m gonna have such a tough time keeping the whole sexual identity crisis under wraps as high school goes on when fleeting hookups and taking off a girl’s bra turns into blow jobs. The only thing that gives me a little self confidence is that one of my closer friends, who I’ve suspected could maybe be at least bisexual, for a while now, I feel like he might be showing interest in me. Just strict body language type stuff, but nonetheless grabbing my ass and winking at me and stuff like that, kind of the same way it used to be with the guy I’m still falling for. And he’s absolutely gorgeous too. He’s maybe an inch or two shorter than me, but he’s tan, muscular, a little leaner than the guy I’m crushing on, which isn’t particularly my favorite, but he’s sooooo attractive nonetheless. And I feel like such an idiot because while I should probably make a move at some point, and I really feel confident I should, I’m still in love with my other friend. This guy is more attractive, more likely to be gay, shows way more interest in me, and still, I’m way more sexually attracted to the other friend, and I’m still chemically attracted to him in the worst, most heart aching way. So for now, I’ll let things play out, see how Los Angeles goes (if he comes too), but sooner or later, I know deep down I’ll eventually get drunk with him when it’s just the two of us, and either fuck everything up or make everything perfect. But for now, just too many variables so we’ll see.

So this thread is getting a lot of views, and at this point I’m really really appreciating any advise I get, and I kinda feel out of obligation and the fact that people either are entertained/can relate with the nature of my situation I’ll keep posting. So thanks so far, and if you have any feedback, advice, or you simply just think this is entertaining to keep reading, let me know because I love reading the comments.

 

So first off, things are a little confusing right now without being able to refer to people by their actual names, so to help make things a little more clear, I'll refer to the guy I like as Derek (not his actual name) Hopefully that helps a little bit.

So I was kinda crushed when I found out they guy I like, who I'll call Derek, wasn't going to come to LA with me like I'd originally hoped. I'd spent a lot of time thinking about how great it would be to be with him for a week on vacation, so when I found out he wasn't coming I fought pretty hard to see if there was anything I could do to help. After texting him for a while trying to come up with any solutions, he pretty much just definitively told me he couldn't come, so I told him how sorry I was. I think I was probably more invested in him coming than he was himself, so he eventually got kind of annoyed at me and snapped and just told me to stop apologizing. So that kindof hurt, and in the midst of there being some tension between us lately, I decided to give it a rest. I didn't talk to him for each of the next few days, but then I found out he was going with my other friend to this friend's lake house for about 5 days. And the first time I found out was horrible. I was jealous, frustrated, angry, and I took it personally considering he would be there the week before we were supposed to go to LA, and he'd specifically cited "bad timing" as one of the reasons he couldn't come. So that sucked. A lot. I knew I'd probably be stuck lingering on it if nothing got resolved before I went to LA, so I invited him to a Cleveland Indians game the night before I left.

So he accepted the invitation, and it didn't start so great at first. He wasn't rude, just kindof distant and dismissive like he sometimes gets, which really kindof got me anxious. As the game went on though, we started to talk and laugh and things felt back to normal again. There'd been a miscommunication where our seats weren't anywhere near each other, so I snuck him into my row and we didn't have a problem until around halfway through the game, when the people who actually owed his seat showed up. I gave him my seat and then tried to crouch between two seats next to him, but then he offered for me to sit on his lap. Which was like, fucking great for the 30 seconds it lasted before the old woman behind us said she couldn't see over me. Regardless, the fact that he offered by itself, definitely felt good, and also, shot down any anxiety I had that he suspected I was into him and was trying to distance himself. Because god knows if he did pick up on some non verbal cues and realize I was into him, if he didn't like it he sure as hell wouldn't be asking me to sit on his lap.

Anyway, the rest of the game went well, we won (always a nice bonus). And then I drove him back to my house where he had initially said he'd sleep over and we could drink together (which I've been trying to get to happen for SO LONG). Anyway apparently his mom was pissed at him and wouldn't let him sleep over, so when he broke the news to me back in my driveway I was pretty disappointed. But then he like, sensed how disappointed I was and then he came up from behind me and grabbed my waist and hugged me but just kindof wrapped himself around me and rocked back and forth while he was telling me he was sorry and that I'd have a really good time in LA and that he'd miss me. And I was in heaven so I nuzzled my neck against his and it was just fucking perfect. Like so fucking perfect. That was also the day LeBron announced he was coming back. That day was fucking awesome.

So LA was fun. Lots of weed, met a lot of new people, and my best friend who I was staying with, the only person outside of my psychologist and my parents who knows I'm gay, was the best of all best case scenarios and treated me like nothing had happened at all, and even just curiously asked a few questions about guys who I thought were hot, but once he sensed I was uncomfortable with talking about it he backed off. I missed Derek a lot. That and I missed all the things I thought I'd be doing with him by my side, but regardless, I had a great time. He's not the greatest texter, and usually I'm the one who texts first, so when he texted me halfway through to ask how things were going, it sounds insignificant, but it meant a lot. In that week in LA I saw more ridiculously attractive people than I've probably seen throughout the rest of my life combined, but Derek was still the only one I wanted, bar none. I texted him during my layover on the way back, catching him up on LA with him catching me up on what was happening back home, and then he invited me to go with him to his country club pool a couple days after I got back.

I'm kindof balancing back and forth right now in regards to how much self confidence I have in my body, so the pool thing was kindof intimidating/hopeful. A lot of the girls who I'm friends with have told me point blank they think I'm very attractive just too skinny, so it's something I'm kindof self-concious about. At the same time, It's easier to be a skinny guy and be attractive as gay than it is as straight, so I guess maybe that's a decent consolation prize. And I like to think like we're pretty compatible look-wise. He's like a generally muscular build, a few inches shorter than me, dark hair, perfect stubble, hazel eyes which I think of all the time, and he's a tiny bit chubby around his stomach which for some reason I find really fucking hot. And I don't think words could describe how much I love his ass. I'm literally the polar opposite. About 3 or 4 inches taller, kindof like toned/athletic-ish thin, light brown hair, tan. I think we'd be like, a good looking couple together. I don't know. Just thinking out loud/ranting. Regardless, the pool didn't end up happening but things got SO much more interesting instead.

Derek realized last minute he had a basketball scrimmage, and he was driving me so I told him I'd play if there was an open spot. I've never played organized basketball, just usually pickup games with my friends. At the same time, I'm generally athletic and pretty tall, so I've always been decent at it. So I did the scrimmage with Derek (we were skins, of course), and after it was finished we were both completely soaked in sweat (and he looked so goddamn perfect right then), and two of the last people left in the gym. He didn't want us to get sweat all over his car, so he told me to shower with him before we leave. Which is equal parts like fulfilling all these fantasies, and the horror that I would get a boner in front of him. Surprise! Both. So it was just the two of us, completely alone in the entire locker room, showering, both completely naked. And I was using all my willpower not to glance over. And I glanced. And then the whole heat of the situation hit me at once and I got like a serious raging boner. So luckily it was one of those gym showers where there's a general place with shower heads and also some curtains to so thank god I made it behind one of the curtains before he saw. At the same time it was pretty blatant and out in the open so I'm not entirely sure he didn't see. And then afterwards I was drying myself off in the locker room as he was walking in, and in this thing he does where he says something kindof gay and flirty but not really intended to be taken seriously(?)/half-joking(?) he told me I have a nice ass. And then I got another boner. Like this was some seriously uncontrollable prepubescent shit at the most inconvenient time possible. But he acted completely normal after so I'm guessing he didn't see (maybe?).

In the car ride back to his house, he gave me one of his undershirts to wear, which wasn't very clean but at the same time smelled sooooo much like him so absolutely no complaints there. Like I could be blindfolded and know he came into a room just because I'm so in tune to his scent. Like not in a bad way. It just reminds me of him and it literally like makes me feel safe on some sort of instinctual cute/weird/animalistic chemical level. But so I was wearing his undershirt on the way back and we were having a discussion about who would win in a fight between us vs. a series of other people. And I started joking about how I think he underestimates me because I'm skinny, and how I wouldn't be that bad in a fight. And then he laughs and looks over at me in his undershirt, and I mean he's a lot thicker than me so it was big on me, but he just looks over and like fucking checks me out. Like forreal forreal gives me the classic check out from head to toe. And I gave him my best flirty kindof smile and asked him what that was and then he just straight up says (albeit in his flirty, kindof half-joking way), "ya know, just checking you out". And I probably looked fucking ridiculous because I was smiling so hard so I just looked out the window.

I kindof have to take some of this stuff with a grain of salt, because he still throws 'faggot' around very casually, and still says some mildly homophobic stuff, like saying that Michael Sam's on-air kiss with his boyfriend when he got drafted was "kinda gross". That being said, we go to a pretty liberal, open minded school, so anybody who throws around 'faggot' uses it more as a synonym for lame or stupid rather than actually having some hate to back it. Regardless, I also think I was a little more guarded about supporting gay beliefs before I came to terms with it myself, and I think it would be impossible for him to be a homophobe with the amount of seemingly gay stuff that goes down between us.

So yeah. Luckily for everyone who's been keeping up on this thread, the general trend is that every time I hang out with him 1 on 1, things get a little more interesting every time. It's still hard to suppress the feelings - I literally, and I'm not even exaggerating, I literally think about him 24/7. Unfortunately, my mom found out this week that I drink, and considering my dad's an alcoholic, didn't take it so well, so it looks like my plan to get both of us drunk and try and see where things go may have to be postponed for a little while. Regardless, as soon as something interesting happens, (and trust me, sober or not, it will) I'll post it up on here.

Again thanks for all the feedback and everything. All the comments and advice and stuff are awesome so keep that going. So yeah thanks again.

 

So things have been worse again recently. Since I got back from LA we’ve been seeing each other a lot.
At one point, I thought I would be able to wait as long as it takes for things to work out. But slowly but surely, it’s getting harder and harder. My therapist introduced me to the idea of a love for someone being so strong that it’s chemical, and that’s kinda where I’m at right now. Where instinctually I need to be near him, and how my mind can be somewhere else but I feel myself craving him like an addiction. It’s so weird how I’m with him and I just get an overwhelming urge to touch him or I just feel a rush of emotion and I see myself in my mind just saying “fuck it” and grabbing him and kissing him. And I legitimately get pangs of anxiety when I snap back to reality and realize I can’t.

Because of how emotionally guarded he is, I feel like being drunk may/may not be a good way to get a better sense of where things stand. So for a while I’d been trying to get just the two of us alone drinking. So after many nights where I’d tried and failed to set it up, finally it worked out, so with the help of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a few beers, I tried to see where things would go. Unfortunately, my metabolism is really unpredictable. Where on one night 5 shots and 2 beers could have me totally wasted, on that particular night, I was in a pretty good state where I was a little bolder than usual but still was able to consciously understand what was going on. Unfortunately, where I’m a total lightweight, he isn’t at all, and he drank about as much as I did. He knew I wanted him to get drunk too so I think he may have faked it a little bit, but I do genuinely believe he was drunk to some degree.
So we were in my living room watching adult swim, both decently drunk, so to test the waters I sat really close to him on the couch to see if he moved away. That worked well, which led to me tentatively putting my head on his shoulder, which led to full out cuddling with him, which led to me laying down with my head in his lap. I do have to make it clear, this was a little bit one sided since I was being more aggressive here, but there was no effort on his part to push me away. He even started like tousling my hair which I have such a soft spot for and I told him I loved him and he told me that maybe he could bring me with him to Aruba which is where his family goes every winter break. Which would by itself be so incredible but also we had talked about it before and he said that he would bring me if not for some weird rule his family has about he and his sister only bringing a boyfriend/girlfriend but not regular friends on the trip. So the fact that he even entertained the idea was nice. We were there for a while because later I definitely didn’t feel as bold, but because of how well things had gone before, when he laid down on one of the two couches to sleep, I went upstairs, waited a few minutes, and then hoping he was asleep I went to the couch and laid down next to him. And unfortunately, he got up 30 seconds later to pee, and then when he got back he settled in to the second couch. I decided to leave it alone, but then moved on.
He’s secretly got a lot of insecurities that I’ve picked up on, one of them being that he doesn’t think he’s good looking, so when he casually mentioned it I jumped on the opportunity and told him I thought he was good looking and he was really flattered and kept saying I’m the best and he loves me, so while things were looking good I asked him if he thought I was attractive. And that was my mistake because he definitely wasn’t drunk enough to actually give me a straight answer because that annoying fucking emotional guard was up and he just goes “nah bro thats a question to ask a girl I don’t know”

About a week ago Derek and I had like a full out date night. Where we like hung out at his house and went to dinner and a movie. And during dinner, things went well. There was nothing too noticeable, but I started to just get this general feeling of there being some awkwardness in a good way. Like there just being something there. Like there were probably at least 3 times he looked up from his phone and noticed me staring at him and we’d both kinda look away and be really shy and not mention it. But it felt good. And then we mistimed the movie horribly so we ended up being half an hour early for the movie. So we just hung out by my car in the parking lot. And this is where it got really good; he was laying back against the hood of my car and I was about 5 feet directly in front of him. And there was SO MUCH GODDAMN SEXUAL TENSION. Like we were talking and laughing and locked eyes a ton and every 2 minutes he’d just lift up his shirt and stretch and he would pull down his shorts to scratch his ass so I could see it and jesus christ I was/am so horny and I never felt so much like right then I could have just grabbed him and kissed him and fuck that was so great. And since we’re both 16 and neither of us is old enough to get in to a rated R movie, we ran from theater to theater once we got in to try and figure out which one our movie was playing at and at one point I tripped and pinned him against a wall and it only lasted like 2 seconds but I am so goddamn sexually deprived and I had a boner and everything and I didn’t get it until afterwards once we made it into the theater and I was thinking about it so I know he didn’t notice. Once we were in the movie I tested the waters and leaned in near him and he didn’t move away which was nice.

So I thought maybe that night was a turning point. And then we went to a concert with all our friends. We all drank a ton to pre game before the concert and took a party bus with about 20 other people down to the venue. I got super drunk and me and Derek split a weed brownie so I was totally gone. The bus was also a tight fit so I was pressed up really closely against him so that was nice. But then everything fell apart at the concert. Just like he has a habit of doing, when we were in a group he totally ignored me, and then ditched me even though I asked him not to at the beginning of the night. The only highlight of the night was when one of my good friends (who also happens to be really good looking) was in the middle of hooking up with a girl I’d had a thing with a couple years earlier, and then when me and the girl casually were talking for a second he pulled her in and then asked her if she’d ever had a 3 way and then when she said she was open to the idea, he started hooking up with her and asked me to join in. And I was so fucking drunk it took me a second to process it, but when I tried later to get him to bring it up again he didn’t remember. Missed opportunity there but something to keep an eye on in the future maybe. But overall, the night was pretty shitty so I was generally relieved when the bus came and we left the concert later. On the bus he seemed like he was sad about something so I asked him and he seemed really annoyed that I asked and wouldn’t respond. Later he was casually talking about how he was disappointed he only got with this one ugly chick the whole night and to console him I put my arm around him and told him that at the concert we were going to next week things would be better, which was apparently a bad idea because he shoved me off of him and told me to stop acting so gay. Which hurt like a bitch. I realized the next morning that I had drunk texted him that he was an asshole, so it made more sense that he was especially nice to me the next morning.

I told myself I was pissed at him, but later that night when we hung out again, I realized I couldn’t stay mad at him. When I got to his house instead of us going to his living room or something he asked me to come up to his room. And he was in the middle of something on his computer so I watched TV for a little while but we were both sitting on his bed. Well I was sitting but he was lying on his stomach. And he was wearing athletic shorts that rode up a ton so they were really tight on his ass, and his thigh was showing a ton. And every 3 minutes he’d stretch and arch his back and his ass is just so goddamn great and I’m so sexually frustrated. So I got another boner but I lied on my stomach next to him too so at least I covered it up. So just to see where things stood, I’d mentioned a few posts back that I just have this fetish for his stomach, and he’s pretty built but he’s a little chubby around his stomach and I just find it so sexy, so for the longest time, every time I sleep over at his house before we went to bed he’d let me massage his stomach for a few minutes. And so it had been a while so I asked if I could right then. And he was a little tentative at first, and I didn’t get as into it as I usually do but it still felt so good.

At about 10 we walked and got food, and in the restaurant we were the only people there, and he wasn’t hungry but he came with me anyway, and we just sat there and talked an laughed and it felt so good. Like to really lock eyes and see him happy made me so happy. And when he asked me what the girl situation was, it was so weird like he was asking it in like a flirty, incredulous tone like he already knew… and there was a ton of eye contact. The rest of dinner was fine, and the walk back to his house was quiet and dark and it was just the two of us and it felt like the perfect setting for a just going for it. Like a movie. But of course I didn’t and life goes on.

I went home that night and told my friend in LA about everything that had happened in my last few encounters with Derek. When I talked to him, he said three things that really struck me. First off, he told me about how the night before, he’d had a dream that Derek was also gay and liked me back but was too shy to make the first move. Second off, when I told him about the dinner we’d had when he asked about the girl situation, he told me that the eye contact was meaningful. The fact that he made eye contact really showed he was interested in the answer. The third thing, was that I started to talk to him more about how serious the whole thing was continuously getting, and at the exact same time, we both texted each other that maybe I should just go for it. Which brings me here. I put myself through hell already with this whole thing, and I’m blocking myself from maybe pursuing other opportunities, that maybe I should just go for it. And I think I will. Probably within the next couple weeks. So finally after reading through all my rants, you guys can finally have a culmination to everything! And maybe it’ll work out. Maybe not. I’ll keep posting to let you guys know. Trust me I could use all the advice/feedback I can get so please keep it coming. I honestly love do getting back any comments on things you want me to elaborate on or you found funny or intriguing or anything like that. So thanks again.

 

reading this is almost surreal considering all the parallels in our experiences. I hope you end up finding someone worth it in the end

 

So right now it's Sunday night, and I think I'm all but decided. I've spent the past 8-9 months or so spending all of my time obsessing over every move he makes and every advance I make, dissecting every encounter between us, trying to be an optimist and a realist at the same time.
I've been talking extensively with my best friend in LA, who has a REALLY complete view of the situation. He was best friends with me and Derek growing up before he moved, and still keeps in close contact with both of us, which should make it all the more incredible that he isn't fazed by the fact that I've literally told him EVERYTHING about the situation with Derek - the good, the bad - everything.
Through a lot of difficult family life experiences I've matured emotionally at a pretty fast rate - much more so than my peers, and my friend in LA might be the only person my age who I feel is on my level in that department, and shares the same talent as me for being able to read the subliminal cues of a conversation or understand the sources of someone's behavior or insecurities. One thing that really really spoke to me, is that with a total layout of everything, having been best friends with me and Derek for years and years, and analyzing behavior on both our parts, that when I definitively asked him for his brutally honest opinion, no matter how much it stings (and he wouldn't beat around the bush on an issue like this), he told me he honestly, truly believes Derek is in the same exact situation as me - both going through a really confusing, questioning time regarding our sexualities. My friend in LA agrees with me that we both think it's a little weird that Derek probably tries twice as hard as any guy I've ever met to seem straight and bring girls up at any opportunity and shy away extremely from situations that have anything to do with "gayness" or even saying that he thinks another guy is good looking.
Nonetheless my friend in LA hasn't been with Derek and I together in person in almost a year since he last visited so he isn't able to judge if the mutual affection is there or not. What I told him in response to that, is that at this point, it feels like there will be no middle ground. Either he's totally straight and I've misinterpreted everything, or he's questioning/gay like me and he does have feelings for me. I either hit the home run or strike out looking. No middle ground. My friend from LA said he thinks I might be right.

Last week we both got drunk and went to a party, and towards the end I started talking to a girl, and subsequently around the same time he started ignoring me and acting like a dick. Which I called him out for. And where in the past he hasn't taken it to heart until the next morning when he just acts generally nicer, later that night he came up to me and really genuinely told me he was sorry he's a dick sometimes and that he has a lot on his plate right now and that his mom's health isn't great. Which totally caught me off guard because first, I had absolutely no idea his mom's health wasn't great, and second, because Derek is the last person in the world who would open up about that kind of thing in any situation, especially without being prompted to. That was big.

Half of me wants to tread lightly and take it step by step: first tell him I might be Bi but won't pass judgement until I've actually been with a guy, if that goes well tell him I'm gay, and if that goes well, just tell him I have feelings for him.

On the other hand, half of me is afraid it's all or nothing, and I should just grab him and start making out with him because taking things slowly just to get let down doesn't satisfy pent-up sexual frustration.

But it'll be option A, and it's gonna happen a week from tonight. Next Thursday night we'll all go to a concert and get drunk, and then that following Sunday Derek and I made plans to go Cedar Point, and then we'll probably either go back to his house or mine. And then, hopefully in the most eloquent way possible but definitely won't be because I'll be terrified, I'll tell him I'm "bi", and maybe more depending on how well things seem like they're going. No matter what, things won't ever be the same again. I've entertained every possible scenario in my head, but things not changing is just simply impossible.
For better or worse, I guess we'll see.

More than anything, I'd just really appreciate if anyone who's kept up with this thread could read over my old posts and give me some feedback on things that stood out to them, what to expect when I tell him, tips, encouragement, whatever. I could use any confidence I can get right now.

 

For those of you still following this thread: no I still haven't come out to "Derek". On the other hand, I promise this update is pretty interesting...

So first off, I'd been talking to my friend in Los Angeles about casually asking Derek how he would feel about one of his friends being gay, with my friend "Scott" being the friend in question. Scott is sooooooooooo attractive; slim but muscular (although I wish he was a little chubby like Derek is), really tan, gorgeous eyes, reallllyyyy nice butt, starter on the football team, but rarely gets with girls, and has some tendencies that lead to a little questioning if he's really straight. I've mentioned him before, because he's subjectively more attractive than Derek, more likely to be bi/gay, and at a little more of a distance from a friendship perspective which makes things easier if I want to test the waters.

Anyway, my friend in Los Angeles starts to the question to Derek saying, "(me) thinks Scott might be gay or bi or something".
So at this point I would expect him to say something like, "yeah he might be" or "I don't really think so"... but no, his response instead is "I think (Me) might be bi."

So my friend in Los Angeles freaks out with me simultaneously panicking about how to respond, and honestly, Derek's logic of the fact that girls like me and I'm attractive but I've never gotten a hand job was some pretty reasonable logic! On the other hand, this totally changes everything. Still a lot of questions, primarily how long he's suspected.

On the other hand, this provides a little insight into why he's been acting weird around me recently - he rarely gets too close to me, ignores me in group situations, and whenever I'm around he always grabs one of my other friends, and does really gay stuff and get very touchy-feely. And it drives me FUCKING INSANE. On the other hand, as un-encouraging as that sounds, I can't help but wonder why Derek, if he's straight, and suspects I'm not, would
1. Sleep/spoon in the same bed with me
2. Tell me (although half-jokingly?) as soon as I break up with my girlfriend, "If it's because you're gay, make me next up
3. Ask me to sit on his lap at a baseball game
.... the list goes on.

Anyway, things have gotten slightly better and he's been acting a little more normal recently, so that's good. My birthday was this past weekend, and I went out to a party with my friends and got very drunk, and unfortunately he wasn't there because he was grounded. He was, on the other hand, the only one of my generally close friends who didn't even wish me happy birthday, and that stung a lot. When I asked my friend in LA about it, he told me he thinks that Derek has enough reason to seriously think I'm gay or bi, and really cares about me (in what way, I'm not sure yet), but the fact that he does care about me worries him and he's not sure what it spells out. I hope that's the case... (contd.)

---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2014 at 01:43 AM ----------

On the other hand, with Derek ignoring me and putting me in a bad mood in group scenarios recently, I've gotten a little closer with Scott, who's fallen out of favor in the group recently probably because he's a little awkward about drinking. So with him being in my physics class this year, we've started to get close again, and one day walking from class, he told me he really wants to get shitfaced, just me and him. So while that's fun on any level, I've said the same things to Derek so I was cautiously optimistic while trying not to get my hopes up.

So Saturday night was my birthday and the party, Sunday was an awkward dinner with my dad, and then afterwards we went back to my mom's house. I had some whiskey, some rum, and about 6 beers left over from the night before, and I (successfully) called my mom's bluff that she was planning on coming home instead of sleeping over at her boyfriend's house, so the stage was set; 2 attractive, sexually deprived, sexually confused teenagers, alcohol, and a house to ourselves.

We start out with the Jack Daniels - take a shot for every touchdown scored against you in Madden. There was only about 10 shots left in the bottle, so we finished that off, then another 4 left in the bottle of rum. By this point we were both decently drunk, and had some beers left, so I told him I'd teach him how to sharktooth a beer. My house is right on a golf course, so we walked to the putting green on the 8th hole, both took off our shirts, and shotgunned some beers. And without getting overly caught up in the moment, it was a very sexy high school moment being out there at 1am, shirtless, shotgunning beer, moonlight on both of us. And then he told me we should both pee in the cup where you hit the ball (does it have an actual term?), but we did, which meant dicks out in very close proximity, facing each other...

After we finished two beers each, the sprinklers shot on the course and we both panicked and sprinted away, both falling to the bottom of one of the sand traps... on top of each other, shirtless. Lots of laughing, but a lot of sexual tension. So we each finished one more beer and went back into the house.

I was at a perfect level of drunkness at this point, where I was still aware of what was going on, but a little more bold than I'd normally be. So when I went to the bathroom, I made sure than when I walked out back the couch where we were both sitting, I was still pulling my sweatpants back up, so for a moment, my dick (I was still wearing underwear), and I had like a half-boner, was pretty out there. And just like I'd hoped it would go, in a tone that sounded a little too serious to be joking, Scott laughed and said, "that was pretty hot"...

The night continues. At one point while I'm lying down, he takes his dick completely out, a foot away from my face, to show me a birthmark he found. We go on ******, and I found it a little curious how he asked just as many guys to exchange dick pics as he did for girls to show us their boobs. Anyway later in the night, around 3am we're both exhausted and sleeping on adjacent connecting couches, and all the alcohol had processed so we were both very drunk, and I leaned over near where he was sleeping and suggested we both go sleep in my bed, which I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF I HAD THE BALLS TO DO THAT. And he accepted my offer. And before we got in my bed he took his shorts off too. So at this point we're both still shirtless, he has his shorts off too, and we both get in my bed. And I waited about 2 minutes, and then I pulled myself up against him and he took the cue WE SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT SPOONING SO FUCKING HARD HALF NAKED. And not just cute nuzzling each others' necks and stuff (and there was a lot of that), but like subtle ass grabbing and tangled legs and stuff. And I had such a serious boner. And it was fucking incredible.

At around 4am he wakes up and seems kinda bewildered and takes a blanket and a pillow and sleeps on the floor and I started to get worried I'd come on a little too strong. And then I called his name and looked him right in the eye and told him to stop acting like an idiot and get back in bed. And he did. And then that was just more sleeping and cute cuddling and stuff until my mom came home around 10am and it probably took me 5 seconds to jump out of bed, throw on a shirt, and pretend like I had slept in my sister's room once I heard the garage door.

Things were a tiny bit awkward the next morning but nothing notable. And then Monday night, I texted him asking to keep sunday night on the dl. And then he asked me what part and I said, "I'm pretty sure you know". And I reminded him about the spooning, which he played off and said was no big deal because we're both straight and we were drunk. And with a smirk I just finished off the conversation with, "yeah of course it's totally normal."
Physics was a little awkward today, but we sat next to each other and by the end of class things were generally normal.

The day after it happened, I felt a little weird about it. Just a general sense of anxiety and guilt and confusion. And I don't know if it's because I'd just had the night I always fantasized of having, just not with Derek, or because I'm afraid it's gonna change my relationship with Scott, or because maybe I'm not as far along in the acceptance process of being gay as I thought I was.

Regardless, here's what it comes down to. I had a really really hot night with a really really hot guy and if the Derek thing doesn't work out, at least I have that much. Scott is totally gonna "naw man it's not gay we're just bros" the whole thing every time it comes up, but trust me, he'll keep coming back. I still like Derek a ton, but for now, this was a pretty nice distraction.

I'd love any comments, suggestions, etc.
And thanks if you're still keeping up with the thread!

 

Well, yesterday was… the day.

On Friday night, our school had its first home football game of the year, against one of our biggest rival schools. As fun as it is by itself, this would also be Scott’s first game as a starter, so that added a lot more excitement. I’ve been grounded for the past two weeks, and I still have another couple weeks left after my mom found some embarrassing drunk pictures on my phone, but she decided that since I didn’t put up much of a fight in accepting it, and I’d been in a good mood recently, that she’d let me go. When I told Scott I was able to come to the game, after him knowing that I was grounded and up until this point didn’t think I’d be able to, he was really excited.

So Friday night, was the game. And Scott, in his first game as a varsity starter, had three touchdowns, and led us to beat our school’s rival. The entire student section was going nuts, chanting, everything. And I probably cheered the loudest.

After the game I couldn’t stop raving to him about how awesome he was, showing him tweets from local high school sports magazines, etc., and he told me he heard me from the stands. We were just texting so he couldn’t see, but I was definitely blushing after that.

On the other hand, as fun as the game was Friday, Derek, and two of our other close friends didn’t show up at all like they said they would. So I found out afterwards they’d all gone and gotten drunk without me, and so after the game I drove to Derek’s house to pick up a bottle of vodka I’d paid him to buy for me, planning on using it the following night with Scott. So when I drove 20 minutes to his house only for him not to pick up his phone or respond, I was really pissed.

Saturday, I thought I had everything set up perfectly, I was mad at Derek, I was planning on getting drunk again with Scott, everything seemed in place. First, Scott texts me that his mom won’t let him go out because he’s sick, so that fucked up a pretty big portion of what I had planned, especially with all the work I’d put in to make sure we’d have some privacy and some alcohol, but I understood. At this point though, I knew I couldn’t go back, and I had to tell Derek.

So I texted Derek asking to vent a little bit, which he warily accepted, knowing I was mad at him for the night before. And sending texts in chunks from a letter I’d written to him the night before, I slowly worked my way through letting him know he’s struggling with his parents’ divorce, and me wanting to help, and being frustrated because he’s pushing me away,…. and then I dropped the bomb and I told him. I didn’t tell him I was fully gay, much less that I’d been obsessed with him for the last 8 months, but I did tell him I was probably bi. And at that point I had steer away from the letter I’d written, because things went twice as smoothly as I’d hoped.

He told me that it didn’t matter to him, and that I was still his best friend no matter what (he previously had never straight up told me I was his best friend). And then started to tell me his mom had been diagnosed with some minor cancer, and that had stressed him out a lot lately, and that he thinks the reason we’d started to grow apart had nothing to do with me, and primarily him not dealing with things well, specifically towards me because I’m the only one of our friends that’s shown genuine interest in making sure he was okay. And he told me that our other two friends, the ones that when we’re in a group with he makes fun of me to and ignores me in front of, he told me that he likes those guys as friends, but that he considers me like a brother. And I didn’t tell him but I really started to tear up at that point.

And I told him about how our friend in LA already knows, and that I wanted to tell him in person but I just didn’t have the balls to do it. And then his response really confused me:
Me: "i wanted to do this in person but i was kinda nervous and I don’t think i’d really have the balls to do it”
Him: “yeah i get it” … “i don’t think i would either” … “also” …
And then he took about 4 minutes typing and I was fucking panicking...
And it just ended up being more about how it doesn’t matter to him. Although I’m sure it’s pretty obvious what I was hoping for/expected.

Nonetheless, the whole thing went so well and I was so relieved. And then this whole thing is the thing that really caught me off guard: after we wrapped up our big conversation, a few hours later he texted me asking if I’d be willing to sneak out to hang out with him.

Stepping back- let’s consider this: I’ve been in love with this guy for probably 8-9 months. Over the past two or so, he’s started to push himself away from me, and then the day I come out to him, for the first time in probably 2-3 months, he asks me to hang out one on one. And then around 11 I jumped off the roof and he picked me up and we went back to his house. And then things start to get realllyyyy interesting.

There’s no awkwardness, but almost the total opposite; the same *something* I felt early in the summer - a sexual tension, a spark - *something* was there for the first time in months. We were casually playing video games in his basement, and he started to let his shirt ride up on his belly, and it seemed like every time I’d glance over out of the corner of my eye, he’d stroke his stomach or let his shirt ride up further. He leaned over to show me a YouTube video, getting close enough our shoulders were almost pressed against each other. More eye contact. At about 2:30 he dropped me back at my house, and I climbed back in through my 2nd story window successfully without my dad realizing I’d been gone in the first place.

I had a tough time sleeping that night, considering how much had gone on that day. It also didn’t help seeing Scott in one of our girl friends’ snapchat stories at 11:30, when he’d told me his mom wouldn’t let him go out. When I texted him this afternoon asking him, he explained to me the whole story, about how he’d only stopped by for a little while, and that his mom was okay with that, just not sleeping out. I realized that it was a mistake on my part, but it felt soooooo good with how much he pursued making sure I believed him and that he’d never lie to me like that and that he genuinely wished so much he could have slept over that night with me and that he would have. The fact that four different times over the course of the conversation he wanted to reassure I wasn’t mad at him and that he wanted me to know he’d never lie to me like that, it really made me feel like he cared. And that he wants us to try again next weekend.

So yeah, this weekend was really weird. Confusing. But I’m in a really good place right now. I don’t think I’m still in love with Derek. But part of me is definitely still entertaining the idea of him questioning his sexuality. And I would sooooooooooooo be DTF if he is. But I’m not as hung up about it as I used to be. And I like that. And he knows that I’m bi now, and he doesn’t care. And he told me I was like a brother to him. And then totally seemed like he was flirting to me that night. For the first time in a while. Looks like the book isn’t closed yet on that one!
And Scott fucking killed it in the football game. And took the time to text me afterwards. And then told me that even though it didn’t work out this weekend, he still wants to get drunk with me next weekend. Which DEFINITELY means more drunk, half-naked cuddling. Hopefully even more.

But life is good right now.
A hell of a lot better than it was 2 weeks ago.

(Pleasepleaseplease leave comments and stuff. Seriously I love reading the comments. Thanks to everyone who’s still reading and I’m sorry I didn’t really get to give you guys a definitive conclusion. But I think this was definitely interesting enough, right? And I think things are only gonna continue to get more interesting…)