Im sorry to disappoint you guys

Hi,

It will be different living with both of you knowing about the elephant in the room and or if your subconscious will give up the ongoing battle, or if biology will fail as woman are not what the heart truly wants.

I do hope you and your wife do not do this alone and you find a mixed orientation marriage therapist. Face it, both of you are in unchartered waters so guidance will be needed.

Remember, it was a lack of social role models and relatable mentors that got a gay man into a hetero marriage. Looking forward there are ZERO social role models or public mentors for a mixed orientation marriage. Unless you have an experienced therapist you and your wife will be the blind leading the blind in a land of pitfalls. With Skype the world is open to you as far as finding the correct therapist.

All the best in your journey. EC is always here.

Tom

 

As someone who has been away from being married for about 10 months, I can tell you that I am outside of what I can only call "Married Mode". It's only by being out of it that I have the perspective of what an all-encompassing security blanket being married with children can be.

It is definitely a seductive environment to be in, despite the lack of intimacy, it's an almost physical attachment to the people, commitments and objects that constitute a family.

Being away has reminded me of the way things used to be when I was living on my own for 8 years before being married. Sure there was loneliness at times, but you can't stay 8 years single without there being some benefits, primarily owing to the freedom that comes with that independence.

Freedom can be scary...

 

It's all good, you at least now know you don't have to hide, be true to yourself who every you sleep next too..

You can always come here for support when you need or want... You're brave.

---------- Post added 14th Feb 2014 at 11:08 AM ----------

Yes marriage is a security blanket, like Pete, I'm scared of letting it go.. Scary hope I can find peace away from it soon like you x(&&&)

 

As someone who has been living out to my spouse for several years, I can say it is possible to maintain a mixed orientation marriage but it means leaving something unfulfilled. In my case, I don't want an open relationship. When I eventually leave the marriage I can pursue my physical and romantic sides then. Until then I have a beautiful relationship with some one I can truly call my best friend. Since I'm out to him there is very little pressure to act on the sexual side of our relationship. This isn't sustainable for either of us but we've made it over three years so far and are the better for it.

Ultimately, if you both decide to stay together there is no reason you can't change your mind later.

 

Pete,

I am sorry I did not follow your story closer.

You are talking a short amount of time with you revealing to her your news and she has found and is sleeping with another guy, and you were under the impression she wanted to be with you?

If that is the case your judgement has been clouded or people are not being fully honest with you. In either case you are not in a position to make major life decisions just yet.

You may have the force of changing circumstance thrust upon you so seeking emotional counsel is important.

Emotions, particularly fear can cloud judgement. Even horses have been known to run back into burning barns because in terror they seek the comfort of home.

Give yourself time and support. She is possibly doing you a favor, albeit a back-handed favor. She is preventing you from making the wrong choice for the wrong reason whether or not she has other motivations.

Tom

 

Tom's 100% right on this, and I guess I missed that portion of the story as well. Pete, give yourself time to think. You still have love in your heart for her, and finding out out she's sleeping with another guy has triggered a whole bunch of emotional responses that might make it hard to make the best and clearest decision right now. Give yourself a little thinking time. I'm no fan of forcing people out of the closet and out of their marriage if they're not ready, and I'd be a hypocrite to tell you to move out, given that I'm still living with my wife for the time being. But I hope you can detach yourself from the emotional responses long enough to pull a little cold logic into your decision. It could be you're feeling hurt because she has shut off her emotions about your relationship faster than you have. That's not the best place to be making long-term decisions.

John

 

Hi,

Went back to your core issues, there were two; wife devastation and being alone.

The wife issue appears off that table, that leaves;

That translates to anxiety and under the anxiety lies fear of rejection. From your hobbies and social life we are similar. You have spent your life living inside your head, not sharing yourself for fear of rejection. Good news! Impossible as it sounds that can change!!!!!

Stepping out of the closet is a huge step in that journey. It is times like this I wish EC had regional conferences so you could step into a community of like minded adults and see how little rejection their is. We are all TRIBE. You are my BROTHER!

I also know (if we are similar) you are at a point you can talk yourself out of attending ANY social event. You will rationalize it away out of fear and choose being alone.

Take an easy step, a baby step... Ask your therapist to connect you with a gay group therapy group. If there isn't 't one around ask your therapist to start one. If you have to drive an hour once a week for group do it.

The walls of anxiety will fall but you need to push, baby steps.

You can make choices that change your future. You are no longer a victim of life, you are its ringmaster.

Tom

---------- Post added 14th Feb 2014 at 06:10 AM ----------

Pete,

A year ago I never would have imagined I would belong to a gay accepting church and meet my best friend there.

Can you imagine being able to HUG your best friend, at a church event, really hug him, and nobody thinks twice? I never could have imagined it a year ago but here I am doing it.

Change is possible.

I now go to a gay club with my friend just to talk, just to hang out, no sexual pressure at all, but no hook-ups, our sexuality is not an issue!

Unimaginable a year ago. It is not all sex geeing gay.

Tom

 

That is past, eyes on future.

 

Pete, a couple days ago I went through my own little personal meltdown, freaking out with anxiety and sitting in an empty office at work crying and wondering what the hell I was doing to myself. A couple of special people here were caring enough to talk me down off that ledge and I'm in a much better frame of mind now.

We all go through that fear of the future. This is a huge step, after all. I'm in much the same boat that you're in, with all of "our" friends really being her friends, and the sisters and cousin who I can expect to be the most supportive of me are all thousands of miles away. My area doesn't have a lot of resources for people our ages, and I'm still rather uncertain of what I might be facing once I am in a better position to move forward. But move forward I will, because in the end, I have to be who I am, not who I wish I could have been or who I assumed I was. Coming out is less about starting a completely new life as it is bringing your identity and integrity back into the life you already have.

We all worry about so many things. Being part of a larger community. Being part of a group or a circle of friends. Being part of a relationship. Maybe it's time to take a deep breath and let yourself just be.

 

Doesn't matter if you told her you could date. Like skiff said, "that is past, eyes on future." I know it's a long road. It's likely a lonely road if it's anything like me here. But you'll eventually, with a clear head, make the right decision.

 

@Pete1970: I really want to amplify what Chip, ChiorBoy, StillAround and skiff have all said. I completely agree with everyone's sentiments here. We stand with you whatever your decision is. We all want the best for you. But at the end of the day, marriage is a partnership and you both have to be on the same page if it's really going to be stable for the long-term. Chip's questions have certainly helped crystallize the issue in my own mind in visualizing the path forward.

@Pluvia: I'm really grateful you jumped in with your thoughtful response. I sat at my screen for a while debating how to respond as well. I felt really lost for a while even after responding, because like you said, this situation so many of us find ourselves dealing with is really just a symptom of the lack of integrity in society. Also, please don't hesitate about joining in the discussion even if you don't feel like you relate because I for one love to hear your perspective and think you've got a lot to offer.

 

Pete, good luck with whatever you choose. In a similar position, I've wrestled with the feelings that I should stay. I know that I won't change who or what I am. She knows that I am gay and that my feelings for her have changed. Initially she wanted me to stay - almost begging me to stay - but something inside me had changed when I came out. I suddenly felt like I would by lying to myself and have to keep lying to myself about what I truly needed and, yes, wanted. I want to be held by a man, enjoy time with a man and everything else that goes with that. I sit in the house today, almost at the point of getting the keys to my apartment, and look around it and I do feel sad. But I also know that if I was to stay, the torment in my head won't go away. I'll still feel that there's a massive part of me that's not fulfilled - can I really be a good father and husband when I feel like that? Will I just end up snapping and snarling at the kids or my wife all the time? Will she be far less tolerant of that now that she knows that there's a potential reason for me being like that? Will be more quick to suggest I move on out if I am like that regularly? Do I want to put myself through that torment, when I can put that energy into being a fantastic dad to my kids and a good, loyal and loving friend to my wife if I move out and stay close but be true to myself at the same time?

It's such a hard decision to make. It's easy for people to make suggestions - you have to live with the decisions you make. For me, it's about honesty and integrity - with myself and with my family. I know my decision is going to be hard, but the alternative for the rest of our lives, could be so much harder to deal with.

 

No one can answer those questions for you. It can be jealousy or the new bond that you created by coming out to her.

You don't need to answer those questions all at once. Take it day by day and do what feels right, talk to her and make the decision together. We can hardly tell you what is right for your family. *hug*

 

As much as we would like to answer those questions for you, only you can. The advice that Nick gave was perfect really. Like he said you don't need to answer them all at once, chances are it'll be some sort of combination of them.

I would say that, in the long run at least, you should find more people in your personal life to share with. If it's only you and your wife you might have a sort of "feedback loop" between the two of you. (I'm not sure that's the right word to use there but I can't think of another way to describe it). Like Chip said it would be good to bring this up with your therapist.