I will never accept straight dudes in my friend group.

I understand you. A few days ago, a gay friend of mine from my job and I were talking about this. Our experiences have been very different. He was bullyied at school because of his sexuality, his appearance, his body... and I put all my effort to be invisible, and not "give" any excuse to anybody to bully me. The result was that I found out in my twenties that I could have straight friends, something that until then I thought it was impossible because they couldn't be able to accept me or even understand me, and he really hates everything related to straight world. His comments sometimes hurt me, as he sincerely believes that "straight problems are so selfish, I'm so tired of straight attitude, they are so superficial, so fake...", and my friends are all straight, my brother is, I love them, and it's like he was mocking them. When I told him that most of my friends are now living a life with no self control, he laughed as "typical of straight men in his thirties", and I can't accept that! Gay men could experience the

But I understand it's his perception, the result of how he learnt, unfortunately, as he carries with a lot of pain and lack of confidence in others. However, I believe in no limits. My best friend is straight. He's been the most supportive and affectionate man with me that I've ever met, and he has never felt uncomfortable with me. But I know that it's not common. And I'm sure that my straight friends will never understand completely how painful it's being a gay man, as we all have experience a lot of pain that they don't know. But it's something that I have to accept if I want to have them as friends. And it's something that I could explain to them, because it's based in their ignorance.

What I want to say is that I understand your point, I don't share it, but I wanted to express that some straight men could share a lot of love for us, as we are human beings: brothers, sons, friends... And it's not compassion, but true love. I hope you could find it sometime in a near future. And if you don't, or don't want too, that's ok. But don't close that door completely.

 

Straight couples at restaurants are like vampires, they can't sit at your table unless you invite them. So... who invited them? That's who you need to talk to.

Lie, and tell your friend that you think the straight folks they invited are just amazing. Then tell the truth, that this friend group is very important to you, and you don't want to lose it.

If your friend asks if it has anything to do with them being straight, lie again, and say that you would never judge a person based on who they love. Then tell the truth, that yes, having a group of gay friends is important enough to you to be worth holding on to.

Of course, if I'm reading between the lines and assuming that you don't really want to get rid of the straight people, but that what you really want is to preserve what sounds like a really great friend group. My advise only works if keeping your friends is more important to you than getting rid of their straight friends.

If you want to get rid of your gay friends' straight friends, you don't need anyone's advice. You know what to do. Raise hell, start the drama, watch the entire social circle burn, start a new one with whatevers left. But I don't think that's what you're going for.

 

It sounds like you have some type of bitterness to straight people. I am guilty of being bitter myself - towards other gay women! The point is anyone can feel bitter, usually triggered by bad experiences. But remember the phrase, two wrongs don't make a right! Yes some straight men do not treat gay men properly, very true, but we should all set a good example. And straight people should also try to treat us properly, right?
Set an example - every drop in the ocean makes a difference.

 

Being scared and intimidated by straight men… I guess that’s probably why I’m in the situation I’m in, half way through my life and still not out. I’ve seen that change over the years though, and it depends on the social circle, much less of a concern in academic circles for e.g. i think some people are good some aren’t, it’s not because of their sexuality per se, but we’re all understandably scarred.

 

I was afraid of straight men too. And I'm still are. Times may have changed, yes, but I'm sure there will be always a part of their behaviour that can't be able to fully understand where did our grief come from and how it built our personality. At least, in people of my generation, who used to treat queer people as freaks, even bullied them... and, when they grew up, they discovered that we were fine, we could be good and nice people, our sexuality didn't defined us and the way they have to treat us.

They needed their own path of learning, too.

As I did. Of course, I've stop every relationship with straight men who apparently were kind and understanding with me, but they were really being condescending. I don't want that in my life. I prefer being the gay friend who explains his straight friends how I feel, because it's something they don't know nothing about. And they have the right to know it... because they care about me.

However, it seems that it's a path you refuse to take. And I understand that. Just keep in mind that you can't avoid your gay friends having straight friends. And, also, we all are afraid of toxic environments, which hurt us in the past, and we tend to believe that they are everywhere. But this doesn't seem the same case. Those straight guys want to meet you... because your sexuality don't annoy or bother them. They don't seem to fit in the same pattern of bullies that we all fear.

I really hope you could heal that pain, because it's unbearable, and find peace and trust in others.

 

Well, yes, you've been really really clear about that.

What's less clear is what you're looking for. If you want advise about how to preserve your friend group, I'm sorry, but you won't like the answer. It involves being empathetic, open-minded, and eating your vegetables. In my experience, EC is a gentle, conflict-resolution oriented community. Everyone's giving you the same advise because it's the only way you're going to maintain your social circle without burning down the restaurant. You asked, we answered.

You're fishing for advise, catching a lot, and throwing it all back. I don't think you want advise. I think you need to vent, and sometimes that's as essential for health as oxygen. If this isn't the place to come for venting, I don't know what is. So vent away. Rage against those straight people as much as you need to. Go dark with it. Get creative. Don't worry about what members of polite society would say. Most importantly, have fun!

I recommend this for the same reason that vomiting is often the best course of action for someone who's had way too much to drink.

You're acting like you have a belly full of Haterade to purge. So purge away, and if you feel better when you're done, let's talk about how you can keep things civil with your gay friends.

Until then, go off king. I vote that this thread be declared a temporary safe space, where Suspect13 can say anything at all without being contradicted or held to any sort of account (until Suspect13 is good and ready).

 

If the above (and in my opinion, wholly reasonable) comment about respect and conduct was at all a reference my post, I apologize. I admit that I intended it to be a little spicy, but never hostile or hurtful.

The point I intended to make is that sometimes we’re so mad that we can’t approach a practical problem practically, and that the Suspect13 may need to purge that anger first, without being held to the standards of polite society. Kind of a primal scream, freeing his thoughts to attend to his actual situation.

 

Thank you for speaking to the variety of presentation and identification in the LGBTQ community. I'd have begun the process of accepting myself as a transgender woman much earlier in life if it weren't for the gatekeepers trying to keep the LGBTQ community small. I didn't know who or what I was yet, just that queer people and queer spaces were the only places where I felt safe and comfortable. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, because when I tried to find my people, my people chased me away based on surface level assessment. That shit hurts. It's important to remember that straight-presenting people typically don't seek out queer spaces to straighten them out. They seek out queer spaces to queer themselves up.

 

You've been upset with your original friendship group for adding people, how do you think they'll perceive you adding people? You're risking your friendships in the hopes of returning to the old group you had before. If those that you don't desire depart, will you kick out your new invites?