I should have killed myself

One solution for Internet access that isn't tracked might be going to a library that has public access terminals.

 

The situation you find yourself in is truly awful - you are dealing with control and manipulation issues and the only way forward is to break free from that situation. To remain in a toxic home environment like you describe will do you no good.

So what do you do? When things are so bad and it seems hopeless, I can see why the thought of ending it all might cross your mind, but do you really, really want to die? Or is it that you want the misery to end so you can feel happy and content to live the life you want? If you want to feel and experience happiness, you have to stay alive - it's the only way.

At the moment you are in a really low and desperate place and it's a struggle to see a way forward. This is demonstrated by you saying "I can't leave", which I'm sure is true, for now. But are you able to change the perspective on the situation, so instead of thinking "I can't leave", thinking, "what can I do, or what do I need to do, to leave?" One reaction is negative and keeps you trapped in the same place, doing nothing, while the other is a little more positive and can get you into planning/researching mode, with the potential of leaving and living again at some point.

Let me be clear - I don't doubt the reality of your situation or the validity of your feelings. It sounds crushing and very painful, but this is not so much about you, as it is about other people. You have the potential to lead a better, brighter future one day if you can retain hope. If you can endure, you will become stronger and more assured.

Hard is it is, try to think about what you can/will do, rather than what you can't do. When you get into a can't do mindset, life seems much more hopeless. (*hug*)

 

Ive been in your spot to... alot... You just gotta debase to the basics... and (usually) forget about it... Life is harsh on LGBT... Besides the fairy tales.... If i could give some advice i would say: relax... dont get nuts.... it happens to all of us.... We all have our family stories (my dad was PSYCHO).. you will survive and heal tommorrow...

---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 09:30 AM ----------

BTW i was alot like that too... OP- EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT...... ITS HARD...

YOu just gotta find something...

For me it was Chips I LOVE CHIPS..... FRANK PONCHERELO.... FIND SOMETHING... OP

 

I'm so sorry about your situation.

As others have said, please don't hurt yourself. Try to save up as much as you can so that you can leave ASAP. Do you go to school or anything? If so, is there anyone you could talk to there?

 

I really want to give you a hug, I feel really bad for you ... Erm... Try and stay strong, I think alot of us here have been there when we wanted to kill ourselves (I have been many times as I am sure others have on this site). You just have to get out of that mentality though, it won't do anything apart from make you feel more depressed.

You have everyone here to talk to, don't worry, no one will judge you! I really hope that you will be okay... Do you have one that you can confide in and talk to about your problems in real life? Have you spoken to your aunt? Since she was the one that was worried about you, maybe you can tell her how you feel and such...

 

I'm SO sorry that you're going through what you're going through. Reading this brought me to tears. I have had a hard time being accepted in School, and although that doesn't compare to what you're going through with your dad, it had the same emotional effect on me. I had thoughts of self harm and even suicide. I felt lonely. I felt that my girlfriend was judging me even though I knew she wasn't, I became emotionally unstable. Every girlfriend I got, would break up with me after some jokesters told them I was gay and only show interest in men. While I do show interest in men, I also have an interest in women. So, that caused more issues. I ended up in a private school for the mentally ill for 4 years of my school life.

It feels like you're trapped when you want to be who you are, and who you are isn't what's "cool" around everybody else, but one day, when they're cleaning urinals with a tooth brush, and picking up vomit with saw dust, and you're a millionaire singer-songwriter, and using them as a coffee table, a TV stand and a mop, they'll be coming to YOU. Don't give up hope. Beyond the suffering is something so wonderful that your entire past melts away. One day, you will be accepted for who you are. One day, we ALL will be accepted for who we are, because we're not leaving. We're here to stay.

 

I am so sorry that your dad is clearly what I would refer to as an arsehole, he has absolutely no right to control your life, and you should be able to be whoever the damn hell you want. Have you tried having a serious conversation with him to help him accept who you are? Maybe he just doesn't understand. From what I understand as a (although very low level) IT student, he is likely to use (at least on your phone) Is the Android Phone Tracking App
How To Monitor Your Childs Cell Phone Activity For Free - SMS WEB TEXT GPS | RemoveandReplace.com

Things to study laptops and other devices will be a lot more costly, complex and difficult to find. Bear in mind that it could be an empty threat.

Is there no-one that can help you in your family? No youth centers? Try searching for them with google earth, you might find some xXx

I wish you the best of luck, just promise me you will not kill yourself. This is a minor blip and you will get over this, you have a great life ahead of you. You can pull yourself through this, I can tell you now you're a darn sight stronger than anyone I've ever met. Keep your chin up!

 

I am so sad to hear that...
Find friends you can trust, a support group, anyplace that you can go to safely. Because where you are is not safe. Just get out of that place. It is unhealthy for you to be there. I hope things will be better for you. =x

 

Then you need to get yourself to a youth support center. You need to search for one. I would search for one for you myself but I don't know exactly where you are. You need to stop being negative and get the hell out of where you are. I know it's difficult, but right now it looks like your only choice.

You can't stay there. You are obviously unhappy and in danger.

 

Go to a shelter. I am from the UK and have no idea what the system is like over there, but I imagine there will be a YMCA shelter of sorts, a refuge for men who seek shelter and protection due to homelessness, abuse or personal issues, a lot of them are gay. Some even have shelters just for gay young people who need a helping hand. They are completely anonymous, free and will provide housing, food, etc and general advice and care. Just take a bag of stuff.

Again, idk what they are like over there, but here you are often told to meet outside somewhere like McDonald's (well lit public area), you will be told to find a guy with say a red hat, and you will pass a code word, then when you are comfortable you will be taken to the annoymous center and you can go from there. You can get hold of these charities through school, uni, therapist, hospitals, doctors or just the Internet.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, just say and I'll try to repeat it later but I'm on the verge of a migraine. Lots of love. *hugs *I'm living proof that things get better.