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I need to tell him this week.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Oct 12, 2020.

  1. Emily999

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    How are you feeling? X
     
  2. Tartanskrt

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    All ok in the test. Thought it would be but you can't be too careful atm. I tried to talk to hubby but I got as far as saying I was deeply unhappy and he just sort of took over and started going on about how he's going to be a better dad and husband etc. I kept saying I didn't want him to change and that too much had changed already and we needed to accept we were two very different people but he didn't listen. He did agree to couples therapy in theory though and to try and touch me less. Therapy would at least give him someone to talk to and might help me to actually tell him the full truth. Just feel drained right now.
     
  3. Mirko

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    That's good to hear that the tests came back negative. Hopefully your child is going to be feeling better soon.

    Broaching the subject is the first step and took lots of courage on your part to start saying how you feel and that you need things to change. That's something to be proud of already.

    Seeing, working with a therapist could help the both of you to work on a way forward and as you indicated be more open about what's happening.
     
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  4. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks for the support everyone. Well, we have an appointment with a virtual therapist for next week. I was sent a questionnaire to fill out but it was all tick box demographics. I was brave though and ticked the lesbian box for the first time (there is no way to say that without it sounding like a pun is there, lol). Hopefully it'll help in some way and I will be a bit braver with someone else in the conversation
     
  5. Tartanskrt

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    And he's cancelled the appointment and moved it to the 12th. No idea why. The way I feel right now I might just blurt it out
     
  6. Frankie46

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    Hey Tartan
    Hope you’re ok??
    Hang on in there. Do have a think about what difference the appointment will make. Are you going to talk about your relationship together or your sexuality? If it’s just your relationship you may leave feeling deflated if you cannot see a way to move forward together and don’t discuss your true feelings.
    Perhaps it’s worth broaching the subject of sexuality before the appointment and then you can have a third parties input which may ease the situation.
    Try and stay sane. Frankie xx
     
  7. Mirko

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    Just to be clear before offering input, who moved the appoinrment, your husband or the therapist?

    Either way, I would try not to blurt it out. Blurting out, possibly with all the emotions this can bring might not lead to the kind of discussion you do want to have with your husband.
     
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  8. Tartanskrt

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    Hi. He moved the appointment. He picked a poor date but I was happy to do what was needed to make it work but he refused. I suspect it's a delaying tactic to be honest.
    Yes I want to tell him the truth but he will barely let me speak at the moment, it's all about how he's going to change. He's not actually going to but he panics when I tell him how I feel and then won't listen.
     
    #28 Tartanskrt, Oct 25, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
  9. chicodeoro

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    Maybe you need to force the issue. Is there any time before the 12th when you know it'll just be the two of you and you can talk?

    It sounds like he knows something is up and he's scared to confront it (quite understandably, in a way). But delaying only piles on the stress for everyone.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    Due to the communication issues that you’re having here, I would agree with @Mirko and suggest waiting until the session if you feel able to do so. The therapist will be able to facilitate the conversation between you both. Couples therapy is not always about finding a way to stay together; sometimes it’s about ending the relationship in a healthy way.

    I’ll just add...I decided to leave my ex in December 2018 and actually left him in July 2019. I didn’t say a word to him until the day I left, not even that I was unhappy and wanted to leave. I appreciate that I was under different circumstances, but just remember that it won’t last forever.

    Hang in there. You’ll be ok. :slight_smile:
     
    #30 LostInDaydreams, Oct 25, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
  11. Jakebusman

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    How are you gonna tell him ? I remember coming out to my wife took me 7 years to come out to her was the hardest thing for me to do
     
    #31 Jakebusman, Oct 25, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
  12. Mirko

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    Ah okay. Given what you have mentioned, it would be worthwhile to approach it with thought rather than just saying it - as hard as this is. From the sounds of it, talking about it, having that deeper discussion with a therapist in the room is probably the best way to move forward. If he panics, is not ready to listen, the only person that is going to be frustrated and exhausted is going to be you, making it potentially even harder for you to keep things in check and feel you are making some progress.

    Writing everything out, and having a place to vent some of your frustrations, and thinking about how to move forward, is progress all in itself.

    Yyou will be okay, more than okay. You will be able to live your life. There are going to be some hurdles along the way, some difficult moments, but you will be able to overcome them. Try to take the time that it needs. Certainly continue communicating with him and don't be afraid of asking him, 'how come you have moved the session?' You could include that you were looking forward to it so to work on things, and leave it at that. If he cancels it again or postpones it, schedule your own session and invite him to come along. If he does, great; if he doesn't, don't let it stop you from gaining that support, and possibly strategies on moving forward.
     
  13. Tartanskrt

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    Thank you everyone who has replied. I know the sensible thing to do is to wait until the session and I will do that, as much as a huge part of me just wants to deal with it all now I know that's not the sensible way and to be honest my hot headed side rarely comes out. There's probably more danger of me not saying anything in the therapy session that there is of me blurting everything out to him before it. I do think I will have to tell him about my sexuality because otherwise he is always going to think there is a way back and there really isn't. There can't be now. I have no desire to be with him or any man and that is it. I would rather be a spinster with cats than ever touch a man again, so that's that. I just need to be patient and live life as best I can and then tell him at the right time and in the best way I can manage.
     
  14. Frankie46

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    Hi Tartan

    Hmmm, just a thought. As this will be such a shock for your husband , do you think you should try and extend the session/talk to the counsellor beforehand/ get extended childcare? If your intention is to tell your husband at the session you don’t want to be panicking about time or arrangements.
    Frankie x
     
  15. Contented

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    I completely understand this sentiment except from the male perspective. I too at the end never ever wanted to touch another woman again. The idea mentally and physically grossed me out and I knew there was no middle ground. Once this horse has left the barn don’t bother closing the door, it’s over. Like you I would have rather been alone that with a woman again. This is not easy to say but it is the truth. I wish you well as you continue on your difficult path to your sexual and emotional liberation. I assure you in the end you find the struggle worth it as the freedom you will experience in being the authentic you is fantastic.
     
  16. Really

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    Hey @Tartanskrt

    I wonder if you could send a quick note to the therapist along the lines of you needing to come out to your husband and how, if you don’t get this ball rolling, you’re going to explode. (In your own words, of course.) And ask if they can help you facilitate this either in the first session or very shortly thereafter by providing you with some tools to survive until you do come out to him. Noting his instability but also that you aren’t going to let that dissuade you.

    Maybe writing down your thoughts regarding any points you want to deal with, whether it’s how to untangle yourself from him or steps you’d like to work moving forward with your independent life might also be helpful to relieve some of the pressure in your head. Get it out on paper, having it’s acknowledged in black and white, so your brain can free itself from having to think about these things all the time. If other thoughts come up, simply add them to your list.

    Hang in there. You’ve got this, :}
     
  17. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks everyone. I've checked the links in the emails I was sent and there isn't an option to provide additional information or speak to the counsellor before the appointment so I'm going to just have to wait and see I guess. It's through relate so I'm assuming they just assign you someone at random. I've been doing quite a lot of writing down what I need to say. I find it hard because it all sounds so harsh and selfish BUT he hasn't exactly been a great husband either in so many ways and I cannot continue like this or I will end up miserable as hell and I'm not willing to do that to myself or my kids.
     
  18. LostInDaydreams

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    Could you phone or send a general email to find out whether it would be possible? If not, then you’ve lost nothing, but it’s not an unusual request in therapy so you probably won’t be the first to ask. You don’t need to explain what you want to share specifically when enquiring.

    As an alternative, you could hand over a note at the very beginning of the session.
     
    #38 LostInDaydreams, Oct 27, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2020
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  19. Boatman

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    Hey Tartanskrt - just wanted to say I hope you are ok
     
  20. Tartanskrt

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    Hey. Thanks for checking on me. Yeah I'm fine. Still gay, still fed up to the back teeth of this sham of a marriage and still looking like an alarmingly high functioning adult from the outside.
     
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