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I need to tell him this week.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Oct 12, 2020.

  1. Tartanskrt

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    Hubby has just announced he's taken Wednesday to Friday off work to spend time with me. No consultation or thought for my commitments etc. I have to tell him. I can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm going utterly mad. But I'm scared as hell. I know I need to do it. I've decided to go down the letter route initially as I'm scared of his initial reaction. My plan is to take the kids to school, go back home hand him that letter and then tell him he can phone me when he's ready and go out. He's going to be very angry and in denial. I need to remember that I count too though. I'm so scared but I know this is my opportunity. Wish me luck.
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Best of luck Tartanskrt!

    I’m curious, did this “spend time with you” just come up out of nowhere, or was he hinting that the two of you needed connection time?

    When I came out to my wife I didn’t use a letter. I’m sorry I didn’t because she could have gone back through what I said instead of 1) “forgetting” I told her, and 2) later “hearing” things through her scared mode.

    I told her I love her and that she is the only one in my life. I said the therapist had helped me figure out I was bi. I told her this didn’t change our marriage, and that I imagined us growing old together. I invited her to be on this journey with me.

    There are better examples of letters here on EC, usually @quebec is great about explaining where to find the sample letters. Maybe David will chime in.

    Of course your situation is slightly different, but my point is I was trying to be direct (“I’m bisexual now”), loving, and reassuring. She asked me what I wanted to do about “this”. I said my goals were to be a part of LGBTQ activities, to come out to the kids and my Mom, to march in the Pride parade as a member of the community (not as an Ally, as I’d done before). She didn’t believe that was all, and would not let me come out (for months), which confused me as she is a LGBTQ ally but somehow being my wife was now shameful to her. You might want to think “what will he ask me? What might be his emotional response? how will I respond?”. I knew she wasn’t going to kick me out, but if you think you need a backup plan of where you’d be overnight if he reacts badly that might be good to think about. I had EC to connect with, as do you, it makes a difference to know there is an online community ready to support you. I also had my therapist. Things get better - she needed time to process, and lots of reinforcement of my love and respect of her, but it is an emotional roller coaster.

    I’m glad you are moving forward!
     
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  3. Contented

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    I think you are doing the right thing. Not easy and no guarantees that things will go calmly but it is a very necessary step. Keep in mind this is going to hard on him as well. Major life changes like these take time to digest. You both will be going through a lot and will need to sort things out. Based on your posts it does seem like you need to start the separation process both emotionally and physically. I can assure you life goes on even during these trying times. Keep in mind your goal of living your life as the lesbian you are, enjoying that life rather than unhappily dreading each day. Best of luck as you maneuver these difficult waters.
     
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  4. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks. I anticipate him going into a mental health crisis. He's been on the brink of one for years. I've tried everything I can possibly think of to try and support him but he won't take it so yes I'm dreading it because I know it's going to be very messy. I know now though that I cannot continue to compromise my own mental health and that of the kids for someone who wont help himself.
     
    #4 Tartanskrt, Oct 12, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
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  5. Contented

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    Remember it is your life as well. You cannot be responsible for someone who won’t seek the help needed. Your and children’s mental health is equally important.
     
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  6. Frankie46

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    Hey. You know I’ll be rooting for you. Don’t expect an instant fix as I’m sure he will go into denial and possibly think he can ‘fix you’. Stick to your guns, be brave and keep in touch. Frankie x
     
  7. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks for such a detailed reply. I have a full back up plan, or as full as I can make it for now. My parents live a 20 minute drive away so if needed me and the kids can stay there over night, luckily the change in restrictions hasn't affected us. I'm anticipating anger and denial. I'm not anticipating any kindness or understanding. I'm petrified but I know it needs to happen
     
  8. Tartanskrt

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    I know it's not going to be pretty and it's going to be long but I need to be start the process of seperating or I will start to separate from my own sanity. I really appreciate your support. X
     
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  9. quebec

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    #9 quebec, Oct 12, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
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  10. chicodeoro

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    Does he know that something is up? It might be an idea to pre-warn him, say that there is something 'big' you need to talk to him about..

    Good luck Tartan!

    Beth
     
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  11. Tartanskrt

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    Well as per usual my plans have gone out the window. Smaller child has woken up with a continuous cough so we have to take him to be tested and all of us are stuck here until we get the results.
     
  12. Frankie46

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    Hi. I’ll always have a friendly ear and a shoulder should you need it. Failing that I can bring a spade, no questions asked. Seriously though, I’m sure it won’t be easy and your h
    Fingers crossed for a negative result and you still have a window to sit him down to talk before the weekend. Frankie x
     
  13. chicodeoro

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    Drat! Bloody Covid!

    Hang in there Tartan. If not now, you'll find a convenient time soon when you can tell him. It's just the waiting, the waiting, the waiting... it's driven so many of us mad this year, hasn't it?

    Beth
     
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  14. Tartanskrt

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    Yep I feel like that's all I do, wait, wait, wait. I was finally feeling like this was my chance. Hopefully we'll get a quick negative. Chances he has it are low we are at 30 here which is pretty low compared to national average. 14 days of all 4 of us in here again will be like hell.
     
  15. Tartanskrt

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    Thank you lovely. I've been trying to send you a longer message but it seems to only let me send a sentence at a time and sometimes not even that. I shall try again tonight. X
     
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  16. Peterpangirl

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    Good luck. Hang in there. Hope the results of the test come back soon.
     
  17. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks. Me too. A friend of mine had her kid tested at the same place on the same day and she rang them today and they said 5 days. You can imagine how impressed I am by this.
     
  18. LostInDaydreams

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    I hope he’s doing ok and you get the result back soon.

    Try to focus on other things in the meantime, like playing with your children. Do some art or painting or something to keep yourself busy.
     
  19. JennIsOn

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    I hope things are ok for you and you get a negative result!
     
  20. Mirko

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    I hope your child is doing okay and that the cough isn't more than just the regular cough.

    Sometimes, opportunities to have difficult discussions present themselves without you needing to search for them. While the opportunity you were hoping to have hasn't materialised as you had envisioned or hoped, that's okay. There will be others.