I don't like or want to be gay!

I don't try to convince there are any positive sides. Personally I think there are advantages and disadvantages as in any matter.

Try thinking about your sexual orientation from this perspective. Imagine if you had an arm amputated or never had one in the first place. Yes, it sucks big time. Maybe in the future the medical sciences can do something about that but as of now all the data we have points out to the direction that there is nothing that can be done about it. It's exactly the same thing with sexual orientation.

I do share your line of thinking that it's a bit silly to celebrate being gay - even if you see it as a neutral property. It's a bit like, well... I have a type of an autoimmune disease that prevents me from eating a lot of foods that other people can eat and it sucks big time. The only positive side that I can think of is that I won't be getting fat any time soon. I wouldn't celebrate my condition or be proud of it but I'm not feeling particularly bad that I have it anymore. I learned to live with it and accept that it is part of me.

Here is something that summarizes the whole point. A friend of mine told me once: "If it's inevitable, you can be sad or choose to be happy." That is my advice to you, my friend.

 

So, reading from your first post, your reasons for not liking being gay are as follows:

1) it is difficult to impossible to find a relationship because gay people are not as common and have to go to special places to meet each other.

2) You have anxiety.

3) People will judge or dislike you for being gay.

Let's consider each of these...

1) there are lots of gay people in relationships, as demonstrated by som members here and plenty of resources online. So that part is simply p
Factually untrue.

As far as straight people having an easier time finding relationships, that is perhaps somewhat true, but hardly the same as saying they have an easy time of it. There are entire industries devoted to helping straights try to meet someone, and other entire industries focused on helping them deal with not being able to.

You might have slightly better odds of meeting someone just due to sheer numbers, but that only gets you so far. Overall, it's not going to make much difference.

2) lots of straight people have anxiety too. It's not just a gay thing. So, all else being equal, if you were straight you would still have anxiety and presumably still not like bars or otherwise struggle with social situations. So being gay is a null factor here.

3) people are going to judge you no matter what orientation you are. That's just something human beings do. They judge (and are judged) based on race, clothes, gender, age, location, habits of spa each, religion, job, make and model of car, etc, etc, etc. You could be totally straight and someone would still be judging you for something.

It is physically impossible to live in a way that will meet with the approval of all people all the time. Which is why most people don't even try.

A healthier approach would be to appreciate those who accept you as you are and not spend much or any time worrying about those who don't, or won't.

Todd

 

I feel your pain. Let me give you more concrete advice then. I think you could benefit talking to a psychologist or similar mental health professional. I have done so a couple of times regarding various issues in my life and found it useful. It will not turn you straight (unless of course you got your current identity wrong in the first place) but it should help you accept who you are.

Although homosexuality is no longer considered a psychiatric condition requiring treatment, conflicting feelings and unhappiness about one's current sexual orientation is. So if you have a medical insurance it may cover the cost of the counselling.

 

Being gay is something that we just have to deal with. I agree and say that there's nothing good about being gay, but that doesn't mean your life can't be a good one. To have your happiness dependent on your sexuality is probably what's causing you the most problems.

You need to be happy by yourself despite your sexuality. You have to have faith that you'll find someone eventually, but focus on yourself. People will notice it, and you'll attract people eventually. Desperation will keep people away.

 

If you turn this around a little, you may begin to understand that what you "see" will only be what you believe.

Therefore, the question is, what do you value?

Focus on what you value because that is one thing you definitely have control over (as opposed to your sexual orientation). For example, you may value having it easy to find someone to be in a relationship with, but this is a bit more challenging when you're gay...ok, fair enough, but if you turn this around a little, you may decide to value being in a relationship that is compatible with your already accepted sexuality. Maybe you need to see that these relationships are just as intense, joyful and satisfying as they are for straight people.

No one can convince you to like being who you are, but the way through is to really examine what it is that you deem important, everything else will flow from that.

 

It's good to hear you made an appointment to a doctor. You got even more reasons to go if you feel you got other things on your mind too. The important thing is that you are doing something about it now. Trust me, things will get improve if you put effort to make them better and accept help from others.

Please, do tell us how it went at the doctor's once you have been there. Best of wishes.

 

Listen, none of the things you listed are going to be fixed overnight. Sure, right now it might feel they will never be fixed but you just have to remain determined to try and believe that in time they will. You are not the first and certainly not the last person with such problems. I dare to say that virtually every gay has had problems accepting who they are but most of them eventually will no matter how bad it feels initially.

Nothing in life is guaranteed but based on my experience anyone who has attempted to fix their problems has eventually managed to fix them. It may take weeks, months or even years but in the end you will be OK. If you are not OK, it is not the end.

While you wait your appointment with the doctor, try focusing on something else. Be it work, some hobby or just hanging out with friends.

BTW, have you talked about your crisis to your friends? How do they feel about it?

 

Well, friend's can't do miracles and I would not necessarily give too much weight on what your friends say. What is important that your friends are supportive and empathetic even if they don't fully get you or are able to give you very practical advice. That's why you are meeting a medical professional. So be happy about the fact that they accept you and are willing to listen even if they don't know exactly what to say.

Is there something you have always enjoyed doing? Anything that takes your mind off anything around you? Books? Movies? Going to a shooting range? Anything? My recommendation is that you try to focus thinking something else but your problems. Do something you like even if you don't feel like doing it. Pretend you are happy. Humans are excellent at telling lies to themselves. You may be able to improve your mood just be telling your self you are happy. Christmas is coming. Have you bought gifts to your family and friends yet?

 

You may or may not find this ridiculous, but pretending to be happy, or acting as if you are happy can have a profound effect on how you actually feel.

The brain is weird, almost completely unconcerned as to whether something is "true" or not...so why not just suspend your displeasure? Clear it from your mind, at least for a while, and maybe do this for increasingly longer periods...this is something you can do without the need to be convinced either way.

Worth a try...

 

Nothing you can do about it. So get over it, and focus on accepting yourself. That sounds harsh, but there's really nothing else to say. A lot of people here started out hating the fact that they're queer.

 

I can't believe everyone seems prepared to kind of let this one stand. I'm not happy "despite" being gay, and I certainly don't consider it a "disability". Being gay has enriched my life immeasurably. It's made me who I am today and I'm pretty damn happy with who I am.

When I think about this topic I remember a conversation I had with my oldest sister. I come from a very religious Mormon family. I came out in the early nineties when hardly anyone was out and, while my family rallied because they love me, it was hard for them. It was especially hard for my oldest sister. Well, anyway, years later I remember a conversation we had. We sat at the kitchen table at my parents house and just talked well into the night, about everything and nothing for hours. Finally she remarked that I just wasn't like anyone else she knew. I wasn't quite sure where she was going with that, so I joked "is that a good thing?" She responded that it definitely was and then she said "the way you are, the way you feel, the way you listen, the way you can talk to people... (long pause) it's because you're gay isn't it?" To which I responded "yeah, I think it is." "I think I'm glad you're gay." "Yeah, I am too."

The thing is being gay has made me stronger, more confident, more empathetic, more kind. It's taught me how to really trust people, how to believe in people, and when necessary how to forgive people. It gave me enough distance on traditional societal expectations to be able to step outside a bit and think--hmm, that's not going to work for me. So what do I really want? and what am I willing to do to get it? It made me face my deepest fear, a fear a younger me tried to kill himself to avoid, and walk through it relatively unscathed. Can you imagine how much better the world would be if everyone got the chance to face their deepest fear and see that life goes on?

And then being gay brought me a community of people like myself, people who are courageous and kind and funny and strong. People who looked out at the world and saw that they could live a life of love and honesty but only if they were willing to risk everything to get it, and made the right choice. People who constantly amaze me with their bravery and resilience, not to mention their wit and charm. And I can find them wherever I go and be told basically "oh, you're one of us, come with me". And of course being gay brought me my husband of eighteen years. It brought me the opportunity to go to bed every night thinking I couldn't possibly love more than I do now, and wake up in the morning to find that I do.

There's plenty good about being gay. It's up to you whether you want to embrace it or not...