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I don’t feel LGBT when I’m with other ppl and the communiry

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Jan 18, 2021.

  1. jjusa

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    The title kind of says it all. Everytime I come to the conclusion I am not straight and try to feel comfortable with it, the moment I am involved with the LGBT community, I immediately feel like a fraud. That I’m actually straight and have been lying to myself this whole time. It’s like any same sex attractions and desire I may have completely vanishes, and I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and in the presence of other LGBT people in one setting.

    It’s like the moment I interact with the community, I feel I should not be there. I look at act pretty straight anyway so maybe that’s why I feel uncomfortable? Maybe I’ve been hetero this whole time and am in denial?
     
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  2. jjusa

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    Shouldn't I be feeling at home in the lgbt community? Like I should be in a happier state of mind because I’m surrounded by people “like me.” Instead, I feel like I just don’t belong and all of these negative emotions arise when I am at Pride, or a queer event, or a queer bar, whatever. So maybe I’ve just incorrectly assumed I was not straight. Honestly I feel a sense of safety when I’m not in lgbt spaces.
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    Not necessarily. Sharing a sexual orientation with someone (or sharing the fact that you're not straight in general) isn't enough common ground to really form a sense of belonging. I personally find I don't click with a lot of other LGBTQ+ people I know irl, because a lot of them have socio-political opinions I don't entirely share.

    That you don't feel comfortable doesn't make you a fraud. It's more likely that the LGBTQ+ people you've encountered just don't click with you on a personal level.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    There are a lot of LGBT people that I feel uncomfortable around and even though I am a woman who was assigned male at birth it is pretty rare for me to be comfortable in a group of people who identify as transgender. As BiGemini87 said just sharing an orientation does not mean that you have a lot in common. I am also not that comfortable in the club scene. If you just keep looking you can find people that you are more comfortable around.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Hey I can resonate with you on this one. I think its more common than you think. I guess people hear about fairytale endings where someone realises they are gay, mets other gay people and feels at home there immediately.

    I know when I first worked out I wasn't straight the biggest question in my head was 'how do I do gay'. As if once I was a signed up member I would be sent a handbook of rules and guidance. I think it is more common for people to feel a bit out of place if they fit less of the gay stereotypes. That's not to say it makes you less gay. When you have tried to interact with the community in what shape has that been? Groups, gay bars, dating websites?
     
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  6. jjusa

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    I think I watched too many fairytales then

    Exactly. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I go out into the world thinking I have to act some type of way to be gay. I don’t fit in with the gay stereotypes at all. I don’t “look” like I could be into girls. I have an anxious and timid personality and gay culture tells me to be flamboyant. I don’t particularly like to discuss queer things all the time, as if that’s my only identity.


    I would get really nervous, insecure, and feel like I don’t fit in. I would feel pressured to go after the first girl I meet or see and and that I must always be in pursuit of somebody (referring to gay bars and groups, not dating sites)

    Idk mostly I would feel out of my element. Dating has been unsuccessful and I don’t know if I ever want to date a girl again.

    this article explains my feelings very well, and maybe could be helpful to others: https://www.spectrumsouth.com/pride-letter-welcome/
     
  7. jjusa

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    The insecurity factor has a lot to do with me never feeling validated. Or not validated enough. I rely too much on others’ opinions. Tbh I have to continuously ask people if I am queer in order to confirm for myself that I am queer. Because if I enter the queer world with not feeling validated, I will leave with all of these negative emotions.
     
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  8. old tacoma

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    @jjusa — I can understand how you feel. When I was exactly your age, I was working as a waiter in a very upscale restaurant. The most well known gay club in the city was just one block down the street. I never once felt comfortable going there, and definitely didn’t meet any guy that attracted me. So after numerous attempts, I just stopped going and assumed that my thinking and feelings were just all in my head. Problem was/is, those thoughts and feelings just never went away, I knew who I was/am inside, but didn’t see a place for me in the gay community, I went ahead lived the heteronormative life I have lived reasonably well, until by chance I did meet the guy who attracted me, and I came face to face with my authentic self. And for me, the question is — Now what do I do?
     
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  9. QuietPeace

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    So no one gave you your toaster? (sort of an in joke with most of the lesbian friends that I have had). I offer you and @jjusa virtual toasters now. :grin:
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    Awesome thank you :slight_smile:
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    It makes me really sad that parts of the LGBT community who have almost all at some point felt unwelcome or judged do this then to others but I know it happens. I know how tough that can be.

    I think the reason we see gay = flamboyant is because those are the people out there showing the world and there is nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of other gay people quietly going along with their life, not necessarily in the closet but also not screaming gay it's just that these people aren't so visible and so we don't see them.
    My advice would be to try and find an LGBT support group near you. I appreciate at the moment there probably aren't going to be any meet ups but they might have some online stuff going on. If you can find more than one even better as they are all different and so one might suit you more than the other. Don't go there thinking about dates and women or putting pressure on yourself just go there to make friends and see if you like it.

    To be gay all you have to do it be attracted to the same sex, and the rest just be yourself.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    This is very good. I don't feel that at home with the community. I also don't feel at home with the overly straight community. My therapist knows and validates this and says I'm not that easy to categorize, not that he's trying to. I'm not very much like either community.

    Most of my really good friends have been nerdier straight people. I have a feeling that some of them have or had bisexual tendencies. I think I'm on the mark on this pinging but I don't push it. Some of them are married and seem to be doing fine. Some of my gay friends have not been good friends because their hedonism and addictions caused them to put those way ahead of me when I needed a simple favor or needed them to lend an ear. They have been flaky, past and present. Some of them are still my friends. My allegiance is to anyone who is a real friend and not to a community that is hard to define many times.
     
  13. old tacoma

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  14. jjusa

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    I gladly accept a virtual toaster :grinning:


    I think what has created these conflicting thoughts is that I feel like I am LGBT, but the moment I enter LGBT spaces, I feel like an imposter pretending to be queer because it didn't work out with men or something. I am deeply afraid that that might be the case. :disappointed:


    Bahaha my therapist told me the same thing but I'm so rejecting of support groups. I feel like I have to have it figured out first before joining an LGBT group, but I could be wrong? I just don't feel queer enough... and I would be quite intimidated by other LGBT people. I am intimidated by LGBT people, especially bi and lesbian women. Also, where I live there are no support groups for "questioning" people, which would be nice. I guess i will have to give it a try at some point... :confounded:

    This is very refreshing to hear. I feel very similarly. I hate that it is expected of someone who is queer to be fully committed to the community. Because for me when I don't feel like I fit in, I question if your queerness is legitimate. I don't know if you have had this experience before.

    My last therapist actually invalidated me, essentially saying that I should have figured out if I am queer or not at this point (it's been 2 years of questioning so far). That my experience with questioning does not align with the normal queer experience, which actually made me feel a lot worse afterwords. I would rather she said that I am not easy to categorize and I may not fit in with either community, but that doesn't mean that I'm not queer. There's a part of me that does feel that I am, but I did not get any validation from my therapist. Thank god I left her ass behind. Pardon my french.
     
    #14 jjusa, Jan 21, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2021
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  15. silverhalo

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    Well you can take your time to investigate groups. I don't think you have to be a fully paid up LGBT member to go to a group. Ultimately if people don't accept that you are in a phase of questioning and acceptance then they aren't people I would want to be befriending anyway gay or straight.

    I am curious about how you feel being on EC?

    I'm glad you left the old therapist, I mean I'm no professional but that sounds like awful advice.
     
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  16. jjusa

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    Hmm... ok I might give it a chance then. thanks for the support. :slight_smile:

    I feel like being on here has it’s good and bad parts. Tbh I feel like even though I still don’t know who I am, I’m now starting to believe it’s possible that I can just let it all be.

    But I have the tendency to compare other experiences with my own so when I go on here, I judge myself based on what other people say about their own experiences. I’m also always seeking reassurance from others and it doesn’t help much if I’m always revisiting this forum. Being on here feeds into that so I may not return to this site in the near future...
     
  17. silverhalo

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    If you look on here there will be plenty of stories just like your own.

    Have you ever sought any help on your confidence and reliance on reassurance from others?
     
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  18. jjusa

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    Thank you @silverhalo :slight_smile:

    No not particularly. I’ve tried therapy but have yet to find the right match and there are no therapists in my area who specialize in I’ve tried the self help books but they’re meh and I’m not usually motivated to change after reading any “how to be confident” tips.
     
  19. jjusa

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    ***Therapists who specialize in LGBT issues like questioning
     
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  20. Tightrope

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    It's work to find a therapist and it takes guts to leave one. Sometimes you have to do that.

    Even without considering LGBT concerns, they can be hard to find. You can have different opinions about things and it can work. You can't have the same opinion on everything and you wouldn't even want that. You may not benefit as much when they agree with you on everything. There are some, though, who just can't help with certain areas and concerns that don't have to do with sexuality.

    I talked about a therapist I had in the past on here before. It was agreed that it was questionable therapy. His wife became a therapist a little later and I looked up both their reviews. Both bad quite a few negative reviews and people mention her attitude which sounded a lot like his.

    I hope you find someone who you can work with. Give it a chance.
     
    #20 Tightrope, Jan 23, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2021
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