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I came out to my husband and have a question

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Elle993, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. Elle993

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    Well, I did it...I came out to my H last night. The conversation went surprisingly well...given the situation. He’s hurt but he was also sensitive to my feelings and acknowledging how difficult this must be for me. We ended the night with him saying he just wants me to be happy and I need to tell him what I want. I wasn’t able to communicate a clear decision but we will continue to talk this week. This morning he was very distant and understandably so.... I will say, I now understand the whole “you’ll know when it’s time”

    The difficult part for me was trying tell him how I know I’m attracted to women because it is basically admitting sexual attraction toward others so I sorta glossed over the details. How did you explain that part? I know it’s going to come up again. When he asked exactly how I knew I basically told him when I thought a woman was flirting with me briefly if made me feel funny and stir something inside that I wasn’t aware of and continued to shift from there. But I couldn’t go into further detail because I feel bad describing the details of how I know I’m attracted to women.
     
  2. candiekane

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    I am not certain what the specifics of “the details” are and I raise the question does he really have to have ALL of “the details”?
     
  3. Elle993

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    Hey! I definitely do not think he needs to know all the details but want to give enough information to help him understand how this came about almostb15 years into our marriage. Part of the process of me understanding I was gay was noticing how some women gave me butterflies and I felt sexually attracted to them. I didn’t use those words and simply said it made me feel “different” and I feel like I notice women more that just recognizing they are attractive etc... but obviously it goes beyond that. Oh, I did mention I read a book about married women discovering they were gay later in life and these short stories resonated with me. Maybe he will not ask any further details but injust noticed in myself I didn’t want to go into the fact that yes I feel arroused by the idea of being with a woman or when I read or see female relationships in books and movies...and that I have the desire to have a relationship with a woman now.
     
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  4. candiekane

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    You don’t have to disclose this- have you been intimate with anyone other than your husband?
     
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  5. Elle993

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    @candiekane I have not been intimate with anyone besides my husband. I have experienced harmless crushes toward women which gives me insight into these feelings but never acted on these or let anyone’s know I have these feelings.
     
    #5 Elle993, Mar 13, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019
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  6. candiekane

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    You are so courageous as you are exploring and sharing inner most feelings.......going back to your initial question- perhaps your husband should know this- there has not been any infidelity— just feelings which have surprised you- and- you would never want to hurt him or your marriage...are you certain you are gay? Maybe bi-sexual? Maybe just curious? Have you seen a therapist?
     
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  7. Elle993

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    Good questions... I have been exploring this for about 1 1/2 years when this first hit me. Before that I had questioned my orientation in my early 20s when I had an intense crush on a woman but then met my now husband and never looked back until this past year. Through a lot of research, reflection and thinking I feel more gay than anything else... but wasn’t able to say that to him last night given there is no validation from an actual experience. I am seeing a therapist and told her a little over a year ago about this.
     
  8. candiekane

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    Have your shared with anyone else than OUT here, with your therapist and husband?
     
  9. Broccoli

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    Massive congratulations @Elle993 for having the courage to come out and speak honestly with your husband. I've been following your story and it can't have been easy, but now it's out in the open and you've jumped the first major hurdle so can work on sorting out where you want to go from here. I understand that you don't want to go into the specifics of the nature of your sexual attraction to women with your husband and I don't think you have to - I see no reason that he needs to know, or that there is any benefit to be gained for either of you from discussing the details. Imagine you were leaving him for another guy - you wouldn't think it was necessary to describe exactly how you felt sexually about the new guy, would you?
     
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  10. candiekane

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    I agree with broccoli! Also, I answered my own question and saw you belong to a group and have other people you have shared with. Congratulations on your courage and strength!
     
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  11. Elle993

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    @Broccoli Thank you!! :slight_smile: it feels pretty big and while I felt a weight lifted last night it has been replaced with a different heaviness of knowing its not going to get easier anytime soon as we figure out what this means for our marriage. I am so thankful to have found this group to allow a safe space to process and sort out all these feelings.

    And that makes sense about my not needing to go into details - I think it started to go in that direction last night only because he was trying to wrap his head around everything but yeah it’s fine to leave it where it is now.
     
  12. Elle993

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    Thank you! Having a small group in my community has been very helpful and supportive through this process. :slight_smile:
     
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  13. globalgal

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    Hey @Elle993, Congratulations! What a monumental, courageous and vulnerable step. Please take time to soak in the important work that you just did... For me, it was kind of like a ground zero type day for my marriage. And the anxiety of it all made me want to keep going going going with the next steps given the implications. I wish I would've slowed down and honored the way in which I was the most authentic and honest I'd ever been... And I wish that for you.
    As for the details, maybe just follow his lead... If he presses you for details, then maybe it's time to generate even more courage and tell him the truth as you know it. Perhaps the humane thing is to simply tell the truth - in all of its gory details if that's what he wants. Perhaps don't volunteer more -- but don't give him any less -- than what he asks you to share. Again, congrats!
     
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  14. Contented

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    I think for some of us when we open the door to really exploring our sexuality we find that the only label that fits is gay. My experience was one where at first I wanted to say I was bisexual but in actuality I knew that wasn’t the case and it would have just been another lie. Later in life It takes more courage to say I am gay. Just my opinion.
     
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  15. Elle993

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    Thank you! It’s been two days and he is still in a state of shock but I am so thankful how he is handling it. He has been very kind and respectful while also showing me how hurt he is... it’s definitely difficult to see the pain I am bringing to him but he also understands this is not a choice and respects and understands that this is also difficult for me. We have made improvements in therapy with communication and our relationship but it has not helped us get closer with our intimacy so me telling him is helping understand that this area of our partnership may never improve. It’s been a very emotionally draining two days but at the same time a huge weight has lifted and I feel lighter and more comfortable in my own home and around him.

    Being present and honoring this moment for sure. A year ago I never thought I would be able to tell my husband about this part of me but here I am.
     
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