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I believe that my father is a homosexual.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I am straight, May 25, 2013.

  1. I am straight

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    I am a long time lurker at EC, especially in this subforum. I would like to share my experiences, and I have some comments and questions.

    I believe my father is a homosexual. He has been married to my mother for over thirty years, but I have never seen him show any sexual interest in any women ever. I believe that the only time he has ever had sex with my mother is when he was attempting to conceive me and my siblings. One time when I was 14 I walked into the house from outside and I saw my father watching a show on tv. THis show might have been like a Spring Break event show on MTV filmed in Panama City or something. It showed these naked muscular men on an outdoor stage, and the men wore nothing except that they had whip cream over their genitals. When my father saw that I had walked into the room, he quickly ran to the tv and changed the channel. That makes me think that he is a homosexual, rather than asexual. Doesn't it sound to you like my father is a homosexual?

    I think that my father only married my mother because that was what society expected him to do. Homosexuality was not nearly as accepted in the 1970s when my parents married as it is accepted today.

    In an ideal world, my father would have entered into a homosexual relationship with a man, and my mother would have married a straight guy. I think that homophobia does not just harm homosexuals. Homophobia also can sometimes harm the heterosexuals that enter into relationships with homosexuals.

    For those of you homosexuals who are married to opposite sex spouses, did you know that you were homosexual before you married?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    There's an expression that I think applies here:

    "I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't believed it"

    Notice, the believing has to come first. We humans are bloody experts in self-delusion, self-repression, rationalizing and general blindness to things we would rather not face.

    You ask the question: "Did you know..." the only answer I can give is: yes and no...for the reasons outlined above, but chiefly because we couldn't possibly believe it applied to us.

    The same goes for the heterosexual spouse, by the way; they invariably suspect that something is not right, but they don't act on it...and time passes...
     
  3. Just Jess

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    Bear in mind, you can be a straight man and be curious about gay porn. I know that sounds weird, but the thing about being straight is there is really not much flexibility to explore who you are, and porn you can be or think about anything safely. It's just like being a straight cross dresser without being a full out transsexual, if that makes sense.

    It's also possible that he was just watching the show and realized correctly that you would think he was gay if he kept it on, and changed the channel to avoid embarrassment. I mean, men have not very much flexibility in the "muscly shirtless guys are on T.V." department.

    I mean yeah, that is definitely suspect. Your dad could very well be gay.

    The only person who knows for sure whether your dad is gay is your dad. You can try to be supportive if he does come out.

    Does your dad know how you feel about gay people? Meaning, have you told him some of what you told us here? The reason I'm asking is, I had a harder time coming out to people that used to say lousy things about LGBT people, even though some of them ended up being really cool.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Honestly, I'm not sure that's a lot to go on. I don't know if your father saw that MTV was having a naked-man competition on TV and made plans to watch it. He may have been surfing, and thought it strange/weird/intriguing...and then turned off, either so you wouldn't think he had chosen it, or to "protect" you from it.

    Sure, your father might be gay. But maybe he isn't.

    Lex
     
  5. tulman

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    I agree with Lexington. I surf a lot too. It's a guy thing. That's what remotes are for.:icon_wink You need more to go on than just that. I also don't know many who ever perceived their parents having wild sex. I didn't. They loved each other but I never could picture my mother hanging from the ceiling in a basket while my father...well, you get the picture. A lot of people are private about their sexuality, especially to their kids.
     
  6. Zoe

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    Thanks, GW, for saying it so well (as you so often do in your posts). I can't add much in the way of wisdom, but I will say this is exactly true of me. I both knew and didn't know. When I'm beng rawly honest with myself, I've known my whole life. I've just chosen to not know it for most of it.

    And I'm on my second marriage to a man, if that tells you anything about the possibilities of repression.

    --Zoe
     
  7. happymom

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    Hi there,
    You might've read my post about my ex-husband and how I suspect he's gay but I don't really know. I understand how it feels kind of important to know and how nagging it is to not really have an answer. I know that it doesn't really change my relationship with him (we're still friends). Obviously, no one knows if you're dad is gay but your dad and like its been covered he might not even really know. Questions I've asked myself are...
    Is there any real way to know besides him telling me?
    How does it change things if he is?
    If he's not?
    What does he need most from me either way?
    Why would he keep it such a secret?

    I imagine for you to be wondering about it the way you are that there's more for you to go on than just the TV show you saw him watching. For me there are lots of small things none of which are clear signs that he's gay. It's more of a big picture that informs my suspicions. And I have an intuition that he is. It's different because I'm his ex-partner and I think having that relationship made it more clear than being a son does.

    I don't know where you stand on the issue but I imagine if you're here (like me), not gay, seeking answers bc you love your dad, and looking for those answers from the welcoming men and women here who might have the most insight, that you (like me) find them valuable and intelligent, caring, worthwhile people that can help you. So, I imagine you'd feel the same about your dad if you got an answer. If you ever get a chance in "organic" conversation then verbalize positive regard of LGBT folks.

    I think it's great that you are thoughtful enough to explore the issue. I imagine if I hadn't left my husband that we would've stayed married for life, had more kids (we already have 1). As a wife (maybe) married to a gay man I can say that yes, I knew our sex life wasn't very active, and I felt that something was lacking. I married him anyway for lots of reasons. He's great!!! Intelligent, hilarious, attractive, caring, good father, hard-working, great family, sweet, amazing cook, etc. so on paper he was everything I wanted. I felt it was immature to throw all that away because things were lacking in the bedroom. I was wrong, but I was trying to do what I was supposed to do. Just like he was. I also have had a lot of negative abusive experiences with straight men and the fact that he wasn't abusive seemed like a real plus!!! I offer this as an example of reasons we do the things we do even if we know the truth and its different than our behavior.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Greetings happymom,

    I am so glad that you have contributed your perspective on this. It will help the OP tremendously, I think, to understand how people of both genders come to decisions with regard to their relationships.

    All of it, every bit of it can be summed up by what you wrote: "...but I was trying to do what I was supposed to do. Just like he was."

    In reading your post, it struck me just how much we trivialize sex, or shunt it aside as something that can be traded off against other qualities that are desirable in a mate: "He's great", etc.

    With my wife, it was more complicated, but in essence we shared a religion and I felt I needed her tough, no nonsense attitude (she "completed" me in that sense). Of course, this attitude of hers eventually got directed at me; but it worked for a while (us against the world kind of thing). She knew also, way before we got married, that there were issues in the bedroom.

    We tried to do what we were "supposed to do". Had three kids, then things just went downhill over the past 10 years of a 20-year marriage, culminating in my current divorce proceedings.

    Of course, if it were "only" sex, then it might be possible to live an asexual life as a couple, but sex, in the context of a marital or other type of committed relationship is much more than that.

    Only so late did I realize that I cannot love a woman wholeheartedly, and that sex, for someone who is gay, cannot be the path to the proper and wholehearted love between a man and a woman.

    I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. I have never experienced this kind of love before. It is late to come to this realization, but I am still alive and incredibly grateful for the chance to have finally found a love so deep and so satisfying.
     
  9. Zoe

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    Thank you, GW, for saying what I did. I find that I did/do the same thing, in both of my marriages. In my first, I was married to a wonderful man. We never had sex, though. I rationalized for years that it was OK because he was so great in so many other ways.

    Now, the same thing is happening in my second marriage, which is only two years old. I'm done, though. I've gone so long without sex now that it's driving me nuts--several years in my first marriage, several years single and now this. I think I've had sex with my husband of two years maybe ten times. No exaggeration. There are problems on both sides, but regardless, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

    --Zoe
     
  10. I am straight

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    You are correct. In fact the primary reason that I think that he is gay is that he has never shown a shred of sexual interest in any women ever period. Not my mother and not any women. I have two sisters, and they both think that he is gay also. One time when my entire immediate family was eating dinner together I said, "Mom should have an affair and get a real boyfriend. Dad wouldn't mind." My father laughed, and then he agreed with me.

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 11:11 AM ----------

    Happymom,


    You elicited my interest by saying that there are lots of small things none of which are clear signs that he's gay. If you don't mind telling me, what are the small things that make you think your husband is gay? Do you think that your husband is homosexual, or do you think that he is bisexual?
    Normally I would not ask someone such things, but I will never know you personally and I will never personally know anyone that you or your husband knows, so what's the harm if you don't mind talking about it?
     
  11. happymom

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    Both to GW and Zoe: Yep. I struggled for a few years with the lack of sex problem and would feel like I was bad for wanting better sex. I finally decided that it was a basic need. "Right up there with food and shelter," as my good friend pointed out. So, then I started accepting that an unsatisfactory sex life could only lead to a deteriorating relationship. So. I tried for a long while to make it better then realized that you can't force that kind of thing. Then finally decided that even if it got better it wasn't what *I* wanted. Forget what I was supposed to do or what he wanted or what my family thought..I wasn't happy. And that became justification enough to change things. I didn't want my daughter to grow up with that as an example of a healthy relationship when it could be so much healthier. And yes, when did sex become something we aren't supposed to care about? It's sort of the point of settling on one person. Yes you need more than that but of all the things you're committing to for a lifetime that basic chemistry probably isn't gonna change dramatically so, I think It might be the most basic thing to consider when choosing a mate. When the sex is truly connected, loving, caring, considerate, then likely some of the other basics are already there but the reverse is not necessarily true.

    "I am straight" I hope the mystery of your mom and dad's relationship starts to make more sense whether he's gay or straight or some of both. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 02:15 PM ----------

    Sure, np. On phone typing so response is otw...
     
  12. happymom

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    Small things:
    I was almost always the initiator of sex.
    Gay men were frequently and openly attracted to him.
    When gay men flirted he seemed flattered.
    He had never had many girlfriends.
    Months could go by without sex.
    His sense of humor often was nuanced in a way that just seemed homosexually inclined.
    He rejected sex with me enough that I stopped asking.
    He is somewhat effeminate.
    In serious private convo with his sister I asked her if it had ever crossed her mind that he might be gay and she sincerely nodded her head yes and said, "Yes." And I could tell she still might feel that way. (That's kind of big I guess.)
    On the night of his bachelor party he and his friends ended up in a gay bar. He said it was someone else's suggestion.
    Very frequent erectile dysfunction. (Almost every time.)

    Sure, he could be bisexual. I think based on his lack of interest in sex with me that he's probably not that into women. I've had enough male partners be interested that I didn't feel it was female inadequacy on my part, though I did struggle with those feelings for a long time. The worst part of the whole thing for me was the years of feeling unattractive. That part wasn't so fair, but I think it's less fair that societal pressure led him to marry a woman. Anyway, I think it more likely that he's asexual than bi, but I leave room for whatever he is, even if he is indeed straight.
     
  13. arturoenrico

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    Just wanted to mention as an option that your dad may be just totally inhibited about sex, period. Just as you've never seen him show sexual interest in a woman, aside from that tv show, did you ever see show sexual interest in a man? There could be so many reasons for someone to fail to develop their sexuality and it doesn't automatically mean he's gay; it's just a possibility. You don't say your age, but I guess it's under 30 since that's how long your parents are together. Clearly you want and need to know the truth about your dad, which got me thinking that I really need to be out to my kids, who are 17 & 20.
     
  14. I am straight

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    Arturoenrico,

    My father is definitely totally inhibited about sex, period. I think that he is both gay and totally inhibited about sex.
     
  15. Lexington

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    OK, he's gay and totally repressed. Maybe he's the one who should go get the real boyfriend. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  16. arturoenrico

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    Still don't know why you're sure he's gay.
     
  17. Incognito10

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    I agree that there is not a lot to go on with what info you give. Just because you've never seen him show sexual interest in women, doesn't mean he is gay--what are you expecting to see? You are his child and he your father, some parents are not comfortable with sex at all.

    But if you really want to know, you could always be like, "Hey dad, I found your gay porn!" Just to see how he reacts.
     
  18. MixedNutz

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    I don't know what exactly you have to go on besides that tv show and lack of interest toward women.. The first things thought of is he probably didn't want you or any of his other children knowing he was watching MTV. My father was totally the same way, he told me family guy would "rot my mind" but I would catch him watching it and he would turn the channel real quick. As far as lack of interest in women, he may just be that type of person, he probably is inhibited about sex. That is not a reason to suspect he's gay. There has to be either more signs, or I think maybe you're just making yourself believe what you have been thinking?

    Also I totally agree with happymom

    Would it change your view of him?
    If he was?
    If he's not?
    Is your mother happy?
    At this point other then catching him with a man, there is no real way to tell unless he opens up to you.
     
  19. I am straight

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    To my sisters and I, that seems like enough.
     
  20. MixedNutz

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    Ok then.

    It seems as if you've convinced yourself.

    :smilewave