How To Handle Being A Transsexual!

Hey anonym and SWAG,

Something I've been meaning to ask, and I think being straightforward would be best, but - I know these feelings are pretty hard to put into words, believe me. But how come all the technical terms?

What I mean is, how can we help you open up and feel comfortable talking about the stuff about being trans that's bothering you?

It's just, "my gender dysphoria" could mean a million different things. It could mean "what I see in the mirror makes me want to curl up in the bathtub with the cold water on and cry 'till it stops hurting" or it could mean "it would be nice if people held doors open for me like that" or anything in between and besides.

No one here is going to tell you you aren't trans if your explanation of how you feel doesn't pass muster with them. And if they do let one of us know about it, because that doesn't fly around here. This is a safe place to be you and get past any fear you have, so you can make decisions with a clear head.

But I mean, you're talking about yourselves like frogs you're dissecting! You're people, flesh and blood and feelings!

I remember how I felt before I came out to the first person. I would look at myself and think, why am I like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Why won't this go away? I'm lying to people, I don't even know why I'm dressing up like a girl any more, I still feel terrible anyway, only this way because I'm too chicken to do this in front of my girlfriend I'm going to be late to school. Or I would feel like it was okay for maybe a little while, and the next day, right back to being embarrassed about the night before. Terrified I'd let something out if I got drunk at a party or something. Always had to keep the show up. Straight scotch and guinness for me, I'm having car bombs, because if I give myself a rum runner they'll know. If I so much as cross my legs in a way that doesn't feel insanely awkward or let just a little bit of softness into my voice, I'm done for.

I would think, why can't I just be normal?

So it's okay to talk about exactly what sucks about being trans, what exactly you are afraid of. Maybe it's how people will react? The expense of some things? Also, what sucks about going out every day as your assigned sex, anything? And I'm sure the double life has to take its toll.

It's hard to come to terms with wanting and needing things that other people don't want and need. Every now and then all the things they say to you will sink in, and make me feel terrible. Every once in a while people are even right. But most of the time, they assume I want the things they want. Sex as a man with a woman is supposed to be enjoyable, not something you do that feels like part of an act or like you're doing it because you're supposed to, for instance. Millions of other things, you start to realise, people see you doing things that they would regret, and don't understand that their alternatives are the things you would regret.

Just be you here! Maybe even find a thread that's got nothing to do with gender. What kinds of movies are 'yall into?

 

I guess it's because this has literally taken over my life. I suppose you will all tell me that it shouldn't have etc but it doesn't change the fact for me. All I can think of if I have a moment of free head space is that I am a male living in the body of a female! I don't really have chance to think of other things because it's just always there like a headache. So I am going to make an effort to get a life back, even though that means creating an entirely new one. I have lost my identity over being trans. All the things I genuinely loved doing like reading, going for coffee, a night out, the clothes I would wear, the things I would like to buy etc all disappeared with my depression and anxiety. I lost interest in everything and now as I come to terms with accepting I'm trans it seems completely wrong that I ever liked the things I used to. I can't be myself here because I honestly don't know who I am anymore apart from a transsexual

 

" I suppose you will all tell me that it shouldn't have"

None of us would be here if we hadn't experienced this at some stage. We don't WANT it to do that to you any more than we wanted it to consume US when we dealt with it, that doesn't mean we're going to tell you it shouldn't.

"All the things I genuinely loved doing like reading, going for coffee, a night out, the clothes I would wear, the things I would like to buy etc all disappeared with my depression and anxiety."

This on the other hand. See that there isn't normal. If you actually loved those things, being trans shouldn't change that. Like, at all. Would depression kick the fun out of those things? Fuck yes it would. Depression kills bloody EVERYTHING. Everything you ever loved.

What happened today that took you from yesterdays positive steps to this 'my life is over' vibe?

 

"It's a medical condition so I guess it is easier to understand in medical terms. It feels like a wretched illness so I treat it as such."

Technically, the medical part is arguably the smallest possible part of transitioning. I mean you can have doctors carve you up all you want, but you're still going to be seen as some dude without everything else that comes with it...and you can argue against this point, but on a daily basis, how many people ask to see your genitals before they assume you're a guy? Surgery is necessary for some but transition is definitely NOT a purely or even primarily medical thing.

"I think I am being pretty straightforward and honest anyway."

Sorry, you're not. "it sucks" isn't a description of anything.

"Just the bit about actually being trans. I cannot handle it cos I grew up thinking I was a cis boy, my transsexualism waso nly unearthed last year. Before that I didn't have the faintest idea that I was a mtf transsexual."

See this? Totally not an answer to the question. What SPECIFICALLY sucks about it? If you asked me that question I can answer it like this:
-My chest, or lack of it
-My hair
-People keep calling me using male pronouns and my birth name
-I hate being treated like a guy, I want to be 'girly'
-I want to be cute, and at the moment, I'm not
-FUCKING BODY HAIR

See the closest thing you've come to something like that is saying you want to be held by some hunky guy.

"I just feel like what is the point in doing things like seeing friends and doing things I used to do if I am trans."

See that? That's depression. That's something you go get professional help with. You don't STOP doing the things you LOVE because you're trans...or you shouldn't at any rate.

"I just know that I am a transsexual"

See this, it doesn't matter if I agree with the statement or not, but frankly, the statement is kind of irrelevant. TO put it bluntly "So what?". Either you've accepted that you are trans for whatever reason, and this statement is accurate, in which case you need to move on to figuring out what to do about it OR you HAVEN'T accepted it, you're not completely sure and you need to STOP telling yourself that it's definitely true.

If you've accepted it and want to try and do something about it, great, you can do that. However, you're never GOING to be able to do that if you sit there and tell yourself (as you have done repeatedly) that it's and all-or-nothing thing. If wearing girls underwear and calling yourself Kate makes you happy, do that, you don't need surgery for it. If you want to keep wearing guys clothes but wear make-up and tell everyone "Hi I'm Sue and I'm a lesbian" DO THAT. Just stop telling yourself that you have to do it ALL. You don't! If you don't want it, DON'T DO IT!

 

Maybe it would be helpful to make a list.

The list could be "10 reasons I know that I am a (fill in the gender)"
and "10 reasons I know that I am not a (fill in the gender). Then you could provide specific examples.

*I am still wrestling with questions about being trans myself. For example, one reason I believe that I might be trans is I have noticed that when I have a conversation with a woman(and I pretend that I am being seen as a woman), all of the sudden I am very grounded, connected, confident, and kind. I think that I get a similar response when I practice this with men, but it is more scary because I am afraid that they will know I am gay(which is something separate that I am still trying to accept).

I don't know if this makes me trans or not, but it gives me information that makes me start to ask questions about my gender.

Sharing that kind of personal information can make it easier for others to relate to you, support you, and possibly help you. Most importantly, it can help the process of acceptance.

 

Rage.jpg in this post

I have no experience with transsexuality and some practices within it I am defensive towards, but from my few observations I will say the following.

1) It is a big decision. People seem to flutter in and out of their sexuality here. Changing from bisexual to gay (lol) carries no permanent results. But altering your body, obviously, will. For that reason, I would urge every individual to always make certain this course is the right one and to feel comfortable second-guessing themself.

2) Avoid labels. Yes, it is obnoxiously cliche but helpful. Life is so much easier if you can say "I'm attracted to this type of person, or these group of people," rather than finding a specific term to match it to.

3) In the process of avoiding a label, you might also discover what it is that interests you about transsexuality. Furthermore, it may highlight what aspects of transsexuality apply to you and which do not-- from there, you can decide what changes you would like to pursue.

Take it or leave, just some third-party observations.

 

I'm sorry but I take issue with the phrase "I'm just a transsexual", because there's like a thousand different ways to be trans, and a trans person can be a thousand different things. For example, I'm a tea drinking, banjolele playing, video game loving, artistic vegan boy that happens to be female. I have a passion for indian food, hate the word "hunk", and I'm a sagittarius. And also did I mention I happen to be a boy that happens to be female? And yes, sometimes that last part can be hard.

It sucks being trans because I have to handle people calling me "sweetie", "miss", and "ma'am" every day. Every. Single. Day. And they think they're being polite and nice, and I can't show that it bothers me. It sucks because I have this stupid floppy chest and curvy thighs. It sucks because I feel bad about myself whenever I talk because I have a high-pitched voice that strangers sometimes pick on. It sucks because when I dress how I like, people assume I have low self-esteem, and when I dress how people expect me to dress, I actually do. It sucks because have you ever tried finding cool men's shoes in a size 6? It sucks because well-intentioned people constantly want to give me a makeover, bring my "inner bombshell beauty" out. It sucks because I need a haircut, and the stylist is always afraid to cut it how I want, trying instead to save as much length as she can and feminize it. It sucks because my dad expects me to be a mother someday. It doesn't suck because "it just sucks". It sucks because of the constant reminders that my inner and outer selves are at war.

I like StellarJ's advice. Try making some lists.

 

I like your post clockworkfox (*hug*)

 

Oh. My. GOD.

He's not saying tea drinking makes you a different type of trans. He's saying that saying 'Oh I'm just transsexual' doesn't mean anything. Or at least not anything useful.

You can say "the hardest bit is BEING a transsexual" but frankly, the more you say it, the less I and I think everybody else actually believe you are. I'm going to hate myself for making this post but I'm actually physically shaking at how annoyed this is making me.

You've had like 10 people in the last 2 days tell you to make a list of things that make you 'trans' and you haven't done it. You just keep saying "Well I am". I can give you a list as long as my arm and the arms of every person I'll ever meet of things that make me know I'm trans. Things that make me a girl. Things that make me NOT a boy. So far you've provided us with a handful of reasons that you're NOT trans and an assurance that you definitely are.

We have been trying to help you by getting you to list these things. ANY things and you haven't done it. We've asked you to tell us some of the feelings surrounding it and you've just said "it sucks" or "It's ruining my life", we've asked you to elaborate and you won't.

You're stuck in this all-or-nothing bullshit drive that you won't let go of. Actually that might not be fair, you either WON'T let go of it, or you CAN'T let go of it. If you won't, you're a troll, if you CAN'T it's your OCD and you need to GET SOME FUCKING HELP. Professional help.

If you sit here every single god damn day and tell yourself "I'm trans" and "It's ruining my life", you never answer a question your asked with anything that could ever be considered by anyone to be a useful response, how can you expect help!? Please don't imagine I'm just being a bitch here, I'm not. Well I might be being a bitch, but I'm not JUST being a bitch. See that? BITCH. Female insult. Not a bastard. Not an arsehole. See that's how my brain works. People can call me a bitch and I'll get pissed, but part of me is so thankful that they called me something feminine that I have want to let them get away with it.

I completely understand the idea that expressing feelings is hard, I've never been good at it. But I've never EVER met someone who found expressing feels so difficult that if you asked them a question so simple as "What is difficult about X" they couldn't give you at least ONE answer that didn't just say "X is difficult". If I did I'd send them to a therapist because IT IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY TO BE SO SHOCKINGLY BAD AT EXPRESSING YOURSELF.

I'm done.:bang:

 

SWAGboy, you keep saying your dysphoria is your problem but that can have many and widely variable things it is referring to and by using such a blanket term we are unable to offer advice that could help. It's like saying to a doctor that it hurts but not telling them where in your body or what type of pain it is. While we are not the level that a therapist could provide several people on these forums have experience with such things but still need information if you want us to try and help. Nothing you have said suggests to me you are definitely trans though I do admit I myself am fairly new to realising I am trans where as anonym has been having trouble more with thinking that as realising they are a guy that it is a different identity, where at least for me it felt like understanding myself, and that difference has sprung from the enjoyment of things done before which is exactly what I've experience with my own depression. So if you want us to help show us something more than this seeming insistence that you are trans as that is not giving anything that anyone could work with to try and help you.

 

I am afraid that you need to address your other issues first (the OCD) and only after that try to deal with the rest. But not the other way around.

 

I was meaning what aspect is the dysphoria? For me it is part body shape, though now I've put on some weight it has helped but that is due to where it is. And the other part is my genitalia, I don't feel comfortable with them but at the moment I'm having to deal with them as even if I do manage to see a gender therapist soon it could still be a long time before it would get to the stage of addressing that. To how I am understanding what you are saying there seems to be nothing you have said is fitting with you being a girl in a boys body.

You are saying you can't handle being a transsexual and this sounds more you are having trouble accepting a label you feel you should have. For me it feels that yes that explains me and, while I cannot speak for anyone else, it seems, or at least my interpretation of what you are saying, that it doesn't for you and it just sounds as if you are just wanting someone you feel is protective and caring for you and fitting with what you list your orientation as is a hunky guy. I wonder is the problem more you feel that to gain such a relationship that you need to be female and therefore are reaching for the one way that could be made so? To me that could be a reason why you could not handle it.

 

Or it is the other way around. I believe you need a professional, not us. If your therapist doesn't have time, try to look for another one or call a help line, maybe they could give you advice where to find a therapist that is available.

 

I didn't mean that my life was over. Not in that way at least. What I mean is my life as I used to know it is over and I'm kind of in no man's land at the moment while I get to know who the real me is.

I am going to say now that I can totally relate to everything that SWAGboy is saying at the moment because that was me a while back. I think I have found a way of moving forward now.

So the things I hate about being trans...I hate that it's such a slow process. It's unbearable being stuck with a body you don't feel should be there but at the same time I can't start making dramatic changes to my appearance because it feels like I'm forcing myself along too quickly. I seem to need time to adapt to the changes.

I hate being called she/her and my real name. It's just...ugh! I hate seeing myself in a mirror. That's the worst thing I think.

 

And there we have a perfect example of how to answer that question. THAT is an answer we can work with. SWAG, take notes.

So anonym, is there anything little you can do to change some of these things?