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How long did it take you to feel comfortable with yourself?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lost101, Apr 15, 2018.

  1. lost101

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    How long did it take you to be comfortable in your own skin being gay? And how long did it take you to come out? Did you struggle with it?
     
  2. Destin

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    Well, going on 5 months now and I guess I'll let you know when I find out what comfortable feels like.

    Yes, there has been a lot of struggling. It took about 3 months to come out to the first people - which is actually pretty fast based on what I've seen others say.
     
  3. faceup

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    over 15 years...
    I am 34 right now
     
  4. shelovesfoxes

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    I knew I liked girls when I was 15. I basically hated myself for it until I was 19 and started to accept it. I would say by the time I was 21 I accepted that part of myself and even felt proud of it
     
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  5. johndeere3020

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    I knew I was different at about 11 or 12 maybe. Hated my self until about 44 or so. Admitted it about a year ago. I'm soon to turn 46.

    Dean
     
  6. Caraldo

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    Knew I was odd at 4 years old. Various times came to the actualization that I was gay, only to reject it. Coming out, still working on feeling comfortable in my own skin. 46 years old BTW.
     
  7. Biguy45

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    Does bi count? I’ve known I was a little different all my life, but I ignored it for the most part. Looking back, I realize there were more signs than I realized. At times I would admit it to myself, but later take it back. I started watching mmf porn,but not gay, so I could fool myself into thinking it wasn’t “weird”. About a year ago, I finally just accepted it. I’m still the only one who knows, except for a guy I had an experience, but he was a one time thing. You would think that losing your virginity to a guy when you are a teen would make things clearer. It’s amazing what you can rationalize
     
  8. Richard321

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    I still don't know. Sometimes I think I may well be pan or bi. Other times I think I may instead just be turned on by the idea of gay relations. I've been in flux for 20 years now. I started wondering about it all from age 30 onwards. I'm 50 now.
     
  9. quebec

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    I tortured myself for 42 years and finally accepted myself at 64, I am 67 and happy now!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. Biguy45

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    Ok so I have around twenty years to go yet
     
  11. lost101

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    Why did you hate yourself? It amazes me how long it took some people, when I came out to myself it took me a month to come out to the first person I just couldn’t live with the feeling for long I can’t imagine taking years almost a whole life did any of you fall in love with someone of the same sex but push them away? What did you do about same sex attraction?
     
  12. Anthemic

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    I embraced it right away because I finally realized how amazing being with a female feels. It was like sparks went off. But I was too ashamed to tell my family because they’re conservative. I wasn’t ashamed on a personal level; I’ve always liked who I am, but I finally began to love myself at age 16. My mom has always been against same-sex relationships/intimacy. She was raised Southern Baptist and conservative. I was actually too afraid to tell her.

    I’m now 26 and my mom recently found out I like women last summer (about 8 months ago). It’s been pretty rough ever since. We fight more and I have grown to resent her more than before. But I refuse to let her closed-mindedness make me feel ashamed for who I am.

    Last night she started saying how she thinks same-sex relationships are wrong. So I looked at her and said, “Cast the first stone.” For those who aren’t aware of what that means, it’s from a Bible verse. It’s about how Egyptian officials were claiming that a woman committed adultery and that the law says she must be stoned. So Jesus said, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” What he meant is that they’re hypocrites for judging her when everyone sins. Of course, my mom just rolled her eyes and said, “Whatever”. Typical. :rolling_eyes:
     
  13. 21zephyr

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    I knew I was gay from the time I was 10 or 11, but I felt I could never come out. I felt this way because of my environment. I came out at 52, 6 months ago. I’ve always known I was gay, I was just scared to be gay. Now that I’ve come out I wish I would have done it in high school. The closet struggle was not fun for me.

    I still don’t know any gay men, but I will find someone in the near future. I feel 18 again and realize I am what I am. You will go through a process of accepting and coming out, but my advice is to do it sooner rather than later. 41 years was too damn long!!!!

    BTW, I came out because I was threatened to be outed. I thought it was the end of my life, but it turned out to be the beginning.
     
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  14. lost101

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    She may never be truly ok with it and I’ve been out about ten years now to my family and I get why don’t you just start dating men again etc but I’m happier and sex and love are better with a woman I don’t see myself with a man sometimes I grieve the straight life but I could’ve gone that route the whole time and I haven’t because being with woman is what makes me happy
     
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  15. lost101

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    I
    it amazes me it took that long what did you do about love and relationships that whole time??
     
  16. 21zephyr

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    I dated women and when things got close to marriage, I would sabotage the relationship. It sucked!!!! I feel badly for those I dated. I loved the women I was with, but I never truly loved them and I knew it.

    One relationship was really close to the altar, but we broke up at the last minute. She is now out as a lesbian and has a partner. The sad part, the sex with her was fairly good. As you can see, people can get pretty good about burying their sexuality. I knew it was a lie, but I didn’t feel I could admit to others I was gay. The past few years have been lonely as I started to feel like I could no longer live being straight. It’s so dumb to have buried my sexuality, but unfortunately it was probably common back then and probably still now.

    What are people supposed to do, run through the streets yelling, “I’m gay!”? I didn’t know anyone gay so I just kept quiet. Now I’m partly out, but I still can’t find anyone, but I’m determined to make it work. That’s one reason coming out is important, so people can start looking for someone. If you are out, you might get noticed by someone else who is in the closet.
     
  17. johndeere3020

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    Lost101, can I ask, how old are you? It will help me answer your question.
     
  18. lost101

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    I’m 29 but came out when I was 21 it’s very important in fact I’d prob have a good dating life if people just came out of the closet I’ve lost a few soul mate connections because they led on guys because they didn’t want anyone knowing they were into girls broke my heart a few times that way and I feel bad for the guys that get led on too they think the girl really loves them
     
  19. HM03

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    It probably took a year to realize that I can't change.

    Then probably another year or two to come to terms with the fact that since I was so miserable, I had to eventually come out since if a few years were hell, then I couldn't live my whole life in the closet.

    I always used to think that once I fully accepted myself then I'd come out. But coming out really helped me accept myself. I'm really lucky that all my gay related depression was internal or anxiety caused, and not because of anybody's reactions or the way they treated me for being gay. Coming out was a fake it until you make it kinda thing for me.

    So, to answer your question it took me about 7 years for both coming out and becoming fully comfortable.
     
  20. spartafc

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    It had taken me very nearly 25 years to go from outing myself aa first gay, then bi, then waswas marr for the better part of 20 years and more or less emotionally closeted, then realizing I may in fact be gayer than i thought I was, getting divorced, to then realizing oh heck, I'm pretty queer.

    I think a lot of internalized homophobia was behind the backtracking from gay to bi in my early 20s, because I really, really did not want to be gay. Which isn't to say it was a conscious thing.

    But to answer your question, it's taken 25 years to get to the point to being reasonably comfortably with the idea of myself as gay. Everybody's journey is different, though, so your mileage may vary!
     
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