How do you deal with the remarks/ defend yourself?

We all have to decide how much we will tolerate and be prepared to set boundaries with people if they are being disrespectful or imposing. This doesn't only apply to issues around our sexuality or gender identity, but with many things in life. We owe it to ourselves to challenge unacceptable behaviour..

When we ignore something, we refuse to notice it. We disregard the words/actions and carry on, but you're not really doing that because you still feel bad and deflated afterwards. What you are doing is being passive, while quietly boiling up with irritation inside and that's not good for you.

Setting boundaries doesn't mean arguing and screaming at people, or becoming angry, but it does require a certain amount of justified assertiveness on your part. You have every right to make it known how you feel and what you expect from people who wish to be part of your life and if they are unwilling to be receptive and change their attitude or behaviour you have every right to walk away (whilst leaving the door open for mature discussion at a future point).

 

I dealt with light homophobia for about 6 or 7 months when I moved to my current home and came out. It was mostly just drunk teenagers coming by to yell faggot, cocksucker, or other childish insults at outside of my apartment in the middle of the night. I didn't let it bother me, because first they were drunk children, I was a kid once and also did foolish things. Second was because I put it into context, I've never been beaten up because of my sexuality like so many others have, so I felt that some occasional harassing wasn't a big deal. Honestly as long as they aren't hurting you, kill them with kindness, I really do believe that most people can change if you give them a chance.

Occasionally I still get rude questions from people regarding my private life, but I chalk that up to ignorance or curiosity. People seem to think its okay to ask gay men about their sex lives, even if they wouldn't dare ask another straight person. My neighbor who is a woman in her 70's, asked me if I was the boy or the girl, I just told her we are both boys. Sometimes people are trying to be rude,but other times they just don't understand what is or isn't appropriate. I don't think she understood how inappropriate the question was. Sometimes people who like me will still occasionally slip up and refer gays as fags, but honestly they have been casually calling us fags for years so I understand that there are slip ups.

With regards to your question about remarks, I don't know why but it seems like you are getting backhanded compliments? Am I close?

Questions like "Oh you like girls, but you are so pretty?" or "Why?"

Is this what you mean?

 

Those woman may not even be homophobic, in my experience and please forgive me for saying this, but woman are catty as hell, no matter how old they are. Are you exceptionally beautiful? I have a friend and she gets a lot of trouble from the rest of the women just because she is really pretty.

If you are half a woman then tell them they are whole bitches. Or you could just make them feel a little uncomfortable, like giving them bedroom eyes, then they will be thinking to themselves "Oh my god is she trying to sleep with me" and they will try to avoid you.

 

Is your country very conservative, I guess you are mostly Catholics right?

 

Unfortunately, i doubt that my comment will be very helpful either. I too am someone who struggled with setting boundaries with people or standing up for myself. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and people said a lot of mean things to me. Those things did hurt but tbh with you, what hurt me more was the fact that I started to not only believe them but I made that my internal dialogue too. By the time I made the aforementioned realization, the damage was too much. So I made a decision that I would not let people's behavior affect me. Most of the time, people act out of their own experiences or their own issues. So now, I know that the only words or actions that have the power to hurt me are the words that I tell myself. Making that decision has really allowed me to be free of people's bulls**t because their behavior doesn't have a hold on me anymore. Especially people who don't mean anything to me. In the mean time, I will work on getting to a place where I can stand up for myself.

 

For me, this depends upon my mood at the time, as well as the situation.

I rarely full out ignore such things, but I might respond as simply as lifting a brow at the person, or giving a little "snort" of derision.

Other times, I may come back with something flippant meant to in some way insinuate they're wrong, or an idiot.

Other times, I have gotten in a person's face and made it clear their attitude is not acceptable and to back off.

 

@ConfusedTi makes a great point, who are they to you? Nobody of consequence, nothing at all. It doesn't matter what they think.

 

Ask them out to dinner, see if you cant, talk it out.

 

I'm sorry you're subjected to that and wish everyone was thoughtful and kind. When I've been in that situation what held me back was not being out so not wanting to say something that would incite suspicion or outright questioning of my sexuality. If I had been out I like to think I would have corrected misinformation and defended LGBT people. I know what you mean about feeling bad afterwards too. I think I felt worse about not having the courage to say something than about whatever was said. If you're safe to come out, that would ideally be the best way to go. If it's safe, but you still don't want to initiate coming out, then maybe by saying something, someone might ask and then you could come out then. Otherwise tell them it's none of their business how you dress, it's rude to insult how you look and that you won't be pressured to conform so they're wasting their time. I don't think that would out you necessarily, but you don't say exactly what the comments are. Mature, considerate people don't treat other people that way. Good luck and take care!

 

I just though it might be a strategy to help them stop being so mean, its not you they are mad at, its themselves, it might be a cry for help. In my experience the meanest people are usually dying on the inside.

 

Well you only have one option left, nicely tell them to leave you alone or you are gong to tell them off in front of the entire office but be careful as they might want to throw down. Im afraid that homophobic people might let that hate drive them to violence.