Help. My 12-year-old DD just confided in me that she is bisexual.

Well I think you started out in a very good place. Letting her know that you accept her bisexuality, but since she is living in a small town she will need friends with whom she can confide in. Which is why she may need to tell someone about her sexuality, because when shit hits the fan, and people do find out she is bisexual she may become bullied. She will need someone she can talk to about it. This could be a friend, a mentor, anyone who knows her struggle and relates with her.

 

Yeah just remember to breathe. You just gotta take it one day at a time. I assume DD means Dear Daughter? You could probably check out pflag for more advice. It's a nice organization the helps parents with this sorta stuff.

 

First of all, I want to commend you for being such a cool mom. Not all kids who come out have such a accepting response and your daughter is very lucky to have that. As for the girlfriend, I can see where she's coming from. Especially if you guys live in a small town, she probably knows she might be bullied if she comes out to her friends IRL. Coming out online is easier because there tend to be more accepting people if you go to the right place. Personally, I think it's fine to be in a relationship at whatever age. Online relationships are better at a young age because there isn't any physical contact, which is the only thing I wouldn't allow at such a young age. But you don't want her to have the relationship, and that's fine. She doesn't seem to be resisting your requests to stop the contact. It's good that you're bringing in the therapist, because she needs someone to talk to now that her gf isn't there to talk to. As for the worrying about suicide rates, I don't think you should worry. She doesn't seem sad about losing the girlfriends contact, and she has the therapist if iy does get bad. Sorry if I didn't really help, but I think you're handling the situation just fine

 

Re: My soon-to-be 12 year old DD confided that she is bisexual

i have one question and one answer to your question.
why is it that she isnt allowed to express her sexuality online to strangers when this exactly as to what you are doing not only for yourself but also your brother and daughter, most likely without hers or your brothers permission?
aside from that (i apologize if i seemed angry im always told my word choice is all angry)
any way its good to not remind her about the possibilities of bullying. i have been far too many times (atleast those who did warn me were gentle about it) and now my parents tell me im being evaluated for anxiety disorders and depression. and i have been quite the wreck ever since and i merely do this to prevent it from happening to your daughter but try not to fall for the trap of telling your daughter about these closed-minded ideas. also friends online and even dating online is perfectly normal 1 in 5 marriages now a days are started online and if you believe she is too young warn her about online safety and continue to trust her.
ps. if your concerned as to why she didnt tell you about her relationship online it may have something to do with a lack of her trust for you, possibly because you inspect her phone and claim that she is so nieve.
and again i apologize if i sound angry but have a nice day!
ps. h

 

This is a somewhat tricky situation. You handled her initial coming out well. It's the stuff that comes after it where I feel needs some tuning.

You were right to reprimand her for giving out her phone number to a stranger online, for all the obvious reasons to us as adults, but perhaps not as obvious to a 12 year old. In a larger context, I think it's important to have a discussion about internet safety, and be forthright in your reasons for the rules that you make. Then continue to monitor her social media and internet activity. The good news is that she is a rule follower, which means you shouldn't have any real trouble on your hands--at least not until she gets a bit older, and tries to become more independent.

It's a delicate balance between protecting your child, and yet giving them enough space where they have some degree of freedom. All of this hinges on trust, and trust is a commodity that must be earned and it is something easily lost. We were the fortunate ones growing up, as we didn't face the type of troubles teens face today. We screwed up all the time as teenagers, but our screw ups were not permanently saved on some internet server somewhere that could haunt us for the rest of our lives. Life is harder for this crop of teenagers, but the good news is that your daughter seems mature for her age. However, it is important to remember the balance you are trying to strike.

My advice when it comes to social media is to lay down the ground rules, make it clear why the rules exist (i.e. you can't give out your phone number to strangers online because you can't verify the person you are really talking too, and that could put you in a dangerous situation), monitor her online activity, and be consistent with your enforcement. It is probably also important for you to consider being flexible as well, for example, if she did find an online friend that she wanted to exchange phone numbers with perhaps encourage her to come to you first to discuss the issue. This gives you the opportunity to use due diligence and follow your parental instinct.

The two other issues facing you at the moment are more complicated. Really, everything discussed so far is the same we'd treat anyone her age regardless of sexual orientation. Moving forward, these are issues specific to someone who is a member of the LGBTQ community.

First, is the issue of her coming out at school. This is complicated for all the reasons you have already outlined. The risks are obvious. However, at the same time it is important that she have control over who she tells, and has your support in doing so. It's easy to get into the protective parent mode. Telling her to stay in the closet is easy, because it protects her from potential harm and bullying. However, staying in the closet also comes with its own associated downsides and risks, and the truth of the matter is--she'll never be truly free from the stares, glares, and opinions of others. The more productive action is to have an ON GOING conversation (not a single conversation--but one that you keep having) about bullying. Not only regarding her sexuality, but in the larger context that all kids experience. What you want here is for her to feel comfortable talking to you about what is going on. You don't want her to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty. If you're sending her the message that she shouldn't come out, and she confides in one of her friends that she mistakenly trusts, then that friend tells people.... what have you done? You've setup a situation where she has effectively gone against your wishes, told someone, and is now being hurt by others as a result. Telling you could bring a whole host of consequences, not to mention feelings of shame and guilt, and even potentially the spoken or unspoken words all of us hate, "I told you so."

When talking to her about coming out, you want her to understand that as she tells people she has less and less control over who knows. Sometimes you can trust people, and sometimes you can't, and it's important for her to understand that if she tells people at school that this information could get around to others. Ask her how comfortable she is with lots of people knowing if that were to happen. Discuss her feelings. Help her work through them, and sort her thoughts on how to react and what to do. All the while doing this you should make it clear that it is her decision and choice, and that you'll support her no matter what she decides to do. All that you want from her is for her to tell you should people mistreat her.

At the same time you are having this conversation, you should be having a parallel conversation. You cannot protect your daughter from the cruelty of the world. At some point in her life, she will eventually encounter people who mistreat her as a result of her sexual orientation. This could range from saying offensive things to covert discrimination (such as job discrimination). Where you want your daughter is in a place where she has confidence in who she is, the type of confidence that can't be taken away by other people and their opinions. This is part of what Pride is all about, you want her to be proud of who she is, and NOT be afraid of other peoples opinions. You want her to be able to hold her head up high as she walks through the world, having confidence in herself, and her abilities... confidence that cannot be shaken by the opinions and views of other people. This is hard and difficult, it is something that takes practice. We can talk more about it if necessary.

This brings us to the discussion of sexuality. You were unclear in your initial post what you meant. I initially took it as you meaning that discussing that she is bisexual with other people online, but I am not sure if you were referring to her having sexually explicit conversations. The two are, of course, completely separate things. One is completely normal, and the other is something inappropriate for someone of her age for obvious reasons.

So, I am looking at this from three different perspectives: coming out and discussing her sexuality online, getting sexual education information online, and having sexually explicit conversations.

Having sexually explicit conversations and sending nude or partially nude photos or videos is obviously unacceptable. You can nip that in the bud before it even starts. However, it is important to realize that not ALL discussions of sexuality are sexual in nature or inappropriate.

Sometimes I find that straight people find this concept difficult to understand when applied to gay, lesbian, and bisexual people even though it is obvious in a straight context. There is an over willingness sometimes to label any discussion of our sexuality as inappropriate as if merely coming out of the closet and discussing our sexuality is somehow sexually explicit. I assume that this is because many straight people narrow our relationships down to sexual acts, rather than viewing us as equals. It's a bit like reducing a relationship between a heterosexual married couple of 50 years down to just what they did between the sheets. Coming out is important and discussing your feelings openly is important. Doing it online is safe because of the added anonymity it provides, which means a reduction in consequences should people react badly.

It is important that your daughter find people who she can identify with and discuss her feelings and experiences with them. This is something that heterosexual people do all the time and take for granted. Any time you have ever brought up the topic of boys in your entire life you have been discussing your sexuality. Any time you've fantasized about your future wedding as a child, or played house as a child, or done anything that was even remotely related to your relationship with men as a child you were discussing your sexuality. And all your life you have been bombarded with messages and images that have promoted your sexuality as the default and the ideal to the exclusion and even outright revulsion of all others. You cannot even watch cartoons with small children without having heterosexual normativity enforced upon you: for example any episode of the children's cartoon Peppa Pig. Right there out front you have Daddy Pig and Mummy Pig, which is a clear statement of heterosexuality and an affirmation of heterosexual relationships. Obviously, this is not a negative thing, but the problem is that your daughter is not receiving these same affirmative messages and is actively receiving the opposite--even if only through them being invisible from her life.

It is normal for a twelve year old to begin to experience and interact with their feelings toward the opposite or same sex. They are going to develop crushes and other feelings. They are going to struggle to navigate them. The advantage that heterosexual children have over your daughter is that they can discuss their feelings openly, without fear, with their friends, parents, and peers. Your daughter cannot. She cannot speak about her feelings openly, because she has to constantly gauge who is safe and who is not safe, and then she has to learn to navigate around people who might be safe but might engage in micro-aggressions toward her in the way that she handles these discussions. For example, someone telling her that they are fine with her being attracted to girls, but the thought of her having sex with another girl is "just gross." That is a micro-aggression. That is not something someone would usually tell a heterosexual, primarily because most people aren't going to reduce heterosexual people down to their sexual acts.

This is one of the reasons it is important for your daughter to be able to find other people around her age who share her sexuality. This not only lets her find peers who will hopefully affirm her sexuality, but will also allow her to discuss her sexuality freely and openly without the type of usual constraints she'd be under around heterosexuals. If I had to guess, I would wager this was the importance of the female friend she gave her phone number too. She was likely someone that she felt comfortable confiding in and sharing her experiences.

In an ideal world, LGBTQ children would be able to have the same experiences as heterosexual children. They would be able to find peers face-to-face and have the same interactions. The reality is that in most cases this is not possible. This leaves the internet as really the only alternative for them to reach out to others like themselves.

LGBTQ Teens commit suicide not only because they are bullied, but because they feel isolated and cut off from others like themselves. If you feel cut off from other people like yourself, then problems will inevitably start to arise. It is very important for your daughter to find other people around her age that are having or have had similar life experiences to her own.

This brings us to the topic of sexual education. Your daughter is at the age where this is important. At some point in her life she is going to want to become sexually active. You're obviously not going to be there when that happens. The good news, at least if she is in a sexual relationship with a girl, is that she has a low risk of STD's and zero chance of pregnancy. So, there is less risk on the table than if she were having sex with a man. She is also likely to receive less pressure to have sex than with a guy her age, who is raging with hormones and being pressured socially to have sex so he is no longer a "virgin." Girls don't receive the same messages to "prove" themselves through their sexual acts. So, all of this actually works in your favor as a parent, because it can reduce some of your anxiety. It's worth pointing out as a result.

Regardless of your child's gender or sexuality, you need to be having on going conversations about sex and sexuality. Specifically, you want to begin having conversations about setting boundaries, respect (both for themselves and her partners), and consent. Now, the unfortunate part here is that it relies on how much sexual education knowledge that you possess. Consent is a difficult topic to discuss for a lot of people. For example, let's assume she is in a relationship, and her girlfriend has told her that she is tired and doesn't want to have sex. Is it acceptable for her to begin a discussion about their relationship, and whether or not her girlfriend finds her attractive; after which her girlfriend relents and agrees to have sex with her? The answer is no, because that is a coercive and manipulative tactic--intentional or not. Sexual consent can only happen in the absence of coercion. In another example, let's say she is making out with a girl, clothes start to come off, and soon they are having sex. Is this coercive? Yes. Consent can only be obtained verbally. People can enter into situations where they feel pressured to have sex, because they've already started making out, for example. It's important that your daughter understand that she has the ability to say no or stop at any point, and with the expectation that her wishes will be respected. In short, consent is not the absence of a no, it is the presence of an enthusiastic yes.

Having honest conversations with your daughter around boundaries, consent, and respect are very important. This is going to help her navigate the sexual situations she will find herself in when she gets older, and it will help her navigate them with confidence. You may have to do some self-education before having these conversations, but that's okay... and of course, these are not one off conversations, these are conversations that should come up again and again for re-enforcement... and not just when she is in a relationship. You are just passing down important knowledge to your daughter so that as she grows she can become a responsible, mature, and strong adult.

However, there is one area where you will likely struggle. That is when it comes to actual sexual questions regarding girls. Assuming you do not have sufficient personal sexual experience with women, and that even if you did you probably would feel uncomfortable having these conversations with your daughter, it is important that she be able to get access to appropriate information that is both accurate and non-judgmental. The last place you want your daughter picking up information regarding sex is from her friends (who have no more experience than she does and is often wrong or misleading), or unreliable sources on the internet--such as porn. Please, please, please have a conversation with your daughter regarding porn, and make sure that she understands that it does not reflect real sex--especially between two women. It is important that she understand that the bulk of "lesbian porn" out there is made for heterosexual men, and not for women who are attracted to other women and in no way shape or form actually represents what it looks like to have sex with another woman. At some point your daughter is going to be exposed to porn online, it is inevitable due to its pervasive nature--assuming she hasn't already. It is important that she understand your rules regarding porn, but it is even more important that she understand that porn is fantasy (and the overwhelming majority of porn between women are the fantasies of straight men specifically) and does not reflect reality.

So, with all of this said, it is important that you find some websites that have accurate information, that you can trust as a parent, and that are aimed at kids her age. Let her know that she can go to these websites if she has questions, and find the answers there on her own. This avoids the perhaps awkward conversation she'd have with you regarding sex with women, and with you having to say... "Okay, hold on, let me Google that for you, because I have absolutely no idea." You've already taken these steps ahead of her, found places that you can trust and that are reliable, and you've placed the information in her hands. You may want to educate yourself, just so you CAN have more explicit conversations with her, but in all honesty, the most important conversations you should be having with her involve consent, boundaries, and respect. Even if you deny her access to a real and legitimate sexual education, she will still figure it all out on her own eventually through trial and error. Though it could make consenting to things more difficult, because she might not fully understand what she might be consenting too.

So, now with those three things off the table, there is one final issue that needs to be addressed and that is the issue of the therapist. I think you made the right decision regarding therapy. However, I want to throw out a red flag of caution. It is important that you understand that therapist and their position on LGBT issues. Even if they say they are supportive, they can still have a great deal of ignorance. Using my own personal life experience as an example, the first person I came out to face-to-face was a therapist. I was suffering from suicidal depression. It was related to my sexuality. I was trying to seek help, and at first he seemed supportive. However, over the course of a number of visits he began insisting that I go out and have sex with men "to make sure that I was gay." Specifically, he was instructing me to hire male prostitutes if necessary. Basically, he didn't believe that you could be certain that you were gay unless you had already had sex--to him that was the confirmation. First, this is absolutely untrue. However, I was too young and in too much of a fragile state to even argue with him. Thankfully, I didn't take his advice--I was too afraid too. However, I was also too afraid to tell him no or argue with him. So, I kept returning with excuses as to why I didn't do it. He grew more and more angry with me, until finally on roughly my 10th visit he told me not to bother to return if I was not going to take his advice. I didn't return, and the whole experience left me humiliated, degraded, and deeper in the closet than I was before. It took me years to reach out again, and even then I never came out to my second therapist because of the bad experiences that I had with the first one.

The moral of that story is that even if someone says they are supportive of LGBT people, they may not actually be qualified to help. One of the best things you can do is help your daughter find a therapist who is LGBT themselves, for all the reasons I mentioned earlier in this post. She will be able to discuss her sexuality with someone who understands where she is coming from on a very basic and personal level. That level of empathy is hugely important. Of course, this doesn't mean a straight person is unqualified, my current therapist is straight for example, however it requires you to vet them aggressively. Press them on the topic and the issues before placing your daughter in their care. You want your daughter to have a safe space where she can be open and honest without judgement.

However, the truth of the matter is no therapy is going to be a substitute for peers that understand what she is going through and that she can share her experiences with. I honestly cannot overstate this importance, simply because it is something she is going to see heterosexuals enjoying all the time every day of their lives. Meanwhile, she has to live under constant guard regarding her own feelings and experiences. Living like this is not normal and it is not healthy for her. So, it is important that you find a way to help her have a social outlet.

 

Re: My soon-to-be 12 year old DD confided that she is bisexual

Hi Firepit!

Welcome to the forum; it's always great to see supportive parents on here I don't have much to add, but would like to toss my two cents in, in regards to your daughter's online life. Take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm only making observations on the information you've shared with us.

I understand that the monitoring of her social media and phone usage more than likely sprouted from a distrust in her friends and other online users, however like aguynamednick said, it's most probable that she sees it as distrust in her. The fact that she didn't tell you about her girlfriend does somewhat imply that she feels she has to hide things like this from you, which is not what you want.

I definitely agree with Alrdrick said about giving your daughter an in-depth talk about internet safety, but past that, I think you should limit you monitoring of her internet use. It's rather akin to listening to every conversation she has on the phone-- invasive. If she feels that you trust her, she's more likely to open up to you about her friendships and other online relationships. I personally believe the best you can do is to make sure she understands and follows the important things (eg, what personal details can't be shared, how to identify someone you shouldn't be involved with online, etc), and then let her make her own mistakes from there. As long as she's making mistakes safely, and learning from them, there shouldn't be a problem.

I think at this point in time, it would be a good idea to find some good lgbt-friendly websites (Not this one, as we have a 13 year age requirement) so that she can learn about what she's feeling, and the struggles she will go through as a minority, as well as to connect with people going through the same thing. She needs external support, and I doubt you'll find that type of thing in a small town. On bigger sites like this (you also mentioned instagram), there's usually a very thorough mod team, and it's rather rare to run into anyone with ill-intentions. There are tonnes of online resources and communities for lgbt youth.

Good luck!

PS. Perhaps making an account for her on some kind of IM site would be beneficial. That way, she can still talk to her girlfriend and others she connects with, without having to share sensitive information. If you still wish to monitor her interactions, it would be a lot easier this way as well. Instead of having to take her phone to read it all over, you could just login to the account on another device.

 

Aldrick^ - respect, man.

Like Batman said^ monitoring internet use can make her distrust you, which can be harmful to your relationship.

EDIT: You seem like a wonderful and compassionate mother. And you're doing the right thing to come here and ask for advice. Keep it up!

 

Re: My soon-to-be 12 year old DD confided that she is bisexual

For your daughter, I'd recommend Pidgin. It's very simplistic and light, and can be downloaded onto mobile and/or desktop. If Pidgin doesn't appeal to you, Trillian is another good choice.

There are dozens of good IMs out there, finding one that suits your needs is the tricky part If you need any other info, feel free to post a message to my wall.

 

Hi there,

I just wanted to add something in regards to your daughter and her gf that might help. I think letting your daughter continue to have some form of contact with her would be extremely beneficial, especially as you have said that you live in a small town. Perhaps though if you feel that your daughter is too young to have a girlfriend, you could tell your daughter that she may remain in contact with this girl but is not allowed to be in a relationship until a certain age (12, 13, or what have you..).

Also, I wouldn't worry too much about the girl using information about your daughter. I believe you said that the girl lives on the opposite side of the state, so she most likely does not personally know any of the same people that your daughter knows and remember that while this girl knows your daughters sexual orientation, your daughter also knows this girls sexual orientation.

And I wouldn't bother with any IM apps or anything since they've already exchanged phone numbers and most likely know each other's names so there's no need to hide behind a screen name anymore.

One last thing that I want to suggest based on personal experience is to hopefully find a balance in the monitoring of your daughter's online activity, and make it clear what it is you exactly expect from her. Perhaps give her a list of approved websites to visit (especially ones related to LGBT appropriate for her age), and clearly state what types of forums or websites she should stay away from. As for monitoring - there are programs that you can use to monitor her Internet access that can alert you if there is something dangerous going on or if she stumbles upon an inappropriate website.

I hope this has helped in some way!

 

I'm glad I helped in some way!

I did a quick google search and found this website with a list of the best computer monitoring software for parents to protect kids. The very first program listed is for a pc, and can be put in a silent mode to that your daughter won't even know it's there. The second one is a hidden application that can be installed on your daughters phone to monitor everything she does on there, and can even be used to monitor her exact location in case she is lost or in case of an emergency.

Again, I do recommend that you allow your daughter some form of access to the computer and allow her to at least remain in communication with the girl. But I also think that monitoring her activities is smart, as well as setting firm boundaries. Maybe stress to her when you decide to allow her access again that she is receiving it with the expectation that she will follow the rules that are set, which includes not giving out her personal information.

 

You really shouldn't take away your daughters friend. If it wasn't for all my friends online I would most likely not be alive today. So this being said you need to teach your daughter about how to be safe online. Theres this thing called doxing which is where you use usernames etc to find someones real identity. So make sure your daughter is using separate usernames fake birth dates and locations on everything. Also make sure she never gives out ANY info. Even just birth year. Other usernames that may be linked to something personal. Emails. blah blah blah. If she is going to be talking to strangers she needs to keep personal info seperate from them. Also you can do a bit of research yourself on who her friend is. Try googling her usernames and enter her email on facebook and see if she comes up. Also reverse search any images of the girl. If something doesnt check out cut off all contact. But if she is just an innocent 12 yo then she most likely uses the same usernames and emails for everything... So it shouldn't be hard to find other profiles of hers. If you need my help let me know. Just dont automatically think everyone is dangerous online. There are very few and they dont usually venture after young girls. Just keep her off sites like ****** and she will most likely be fine. If you need my help with any one she is talking to let me know. Just dont cut her off from strangers online who could possibly be providing your daughter some sort of comfort.