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Has anyone else became less accepting of their sexuality over time?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Joe2001, May 12, 2020.

  1. Joe2001

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    This is a weird thing so let me talk about it.

    When I initially realised my sexuality at 15, I was very accepting of myself and also really wanted to be out. I even wrote an essay for English class about coming to terms with my sexuality and honestly was very close to properly coming out. At that point, I was proud of it.

    Fast forward 2.5 years later at 18 and I no longer feel the same. I'm much more reluctant to say anything about being gay and would never in a million years write that essay. I feel way further in the closet. Also part of me feels a bit ashamed for being gay. Sometimes I wish I wasn't gay.

    I think that things really went sour for me when I started uni as I quickly noticed a total lack of gay guys and instead it was only straight guys and lesbians. Felt very alienating and I fit in even less than at school which is unusual.

    Anyone else felt like this? Has your acceptance of your sexuality went backwards?
     
  2. Lgbtqpride

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    Nope, sexuality is something that you can never change.

    Things will change when you grad from school and went out to work. Maybe you can find some hobbies so that you can connect with more people. You can still find gay guys on the internet.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    As you’ve implied, it’s probably the environment that’s causing this. It makes sense that you would feel more comfortable being out in environment where you felt less alienated.

    How big is your university? I doubt that you are the only gay guy. And even if you are, what is it you fear about being out?
     
  4. Chip

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    Agree with the others. It's not that your orientation is changing, it's that you're having a hard time adjusting. What I can assure you is that if you try to change back and start dating girls, you'll likely end up in the same place as our later-in-life crowd, whose lives are complicated and difficult and generally pretty unhappy.

    Once you get yourself into a place where there are other gay people around you, it will feel a lot less alienating and that will make a huge difference.
     
  5. Joe2001

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    I believe we have around 22,000 students. Assuming half of them are guys, obviously not all of them are straight, that would be downright silly to suggest but there certainly haven't been any in the 3 departments that I've been in. My French class in the 1st semester was the worst for it - I was the only guy that wasn't one of the "lads" so I felt extremely alienated there and would have never been open with any of them. I became a bit scared of going there each week to tell you the truth. I don't feel comfortable being out because the environment feels judgemental and not that accepting.

    Even at my school (which was Catholic), there were a couple of gay guys and in my final year, things were beginning to change for the better with regards to LGBT issues, but nobody that I've seen at the uni that I can possibly tell would be gay so it feels isolating. I am open to straight male friends but not if they are the "lad" types, I don't mix with those personalities.
     
  6. Joe2001

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    I don't want to change back and date girls as that wouldn't be kind to myself or the girl.

    Where can I get into a place with more gay people just so that I can feel included and less alienated? I just don't know if this uni is the place for that honestly. I did have high hopes going in and they were dashed from a few weeks in when I saw who I was working with.
     
    #6 Joe2001, May 13, 2020
    Last edited: May 13, 2020
  7. Joe2001

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    Finding guys on the Internet just isn't the same. I wouldn't date online purely because you can tell far more by being around someone than what they say through a text.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Were they confrontational or have you had negative experiences with “lad” types before?
     
  9. Joe2001

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    I wouldn't call them confrontational but I've had negative experiences before with those types in school and I could tell by personality that we wouldn't mix well. I didn't exactly get an LGBT accepting vibe from them. One of them in particular came off very judgemental and distant if I ever said anything to him (he was the only one who was in the same class again for 2nd semester so I gained more insight into his personality).

    I think that what is most telling with those types is that they are very willing to mix with each other and clearly get on but don't show the same interest if you aren't like them.
     
    #9 Joe2001, May 13, 2020
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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    I think I know the type you mean and I get the impression that much of their behaviour is attempts at bravado.

    I hope your future classes are more diverse.
     
  11. Joe2001

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    Thanks. I'm giving it one more shot next semester. If it fails, I'll consider leaving and trying somewhere else with a better crowd of people.
     
  12. Chierro

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    I'm definitely going to warn against transferring schools just because you haven't found gay guys yet. You're never going to really know the people at a school until you're there. Your main focus at school should be getting a degree...not a guy. Obviously having friends and finding the right people is a huge part of a college experience, but getting that degree is more important.

    But have you tried places outside of your classes? Obviously classes are the easiest way to meet people, but speaking as someone who was an English and education major (and therefore had primarily girls in my classes with me), there are other ways too. Have you joined clubs and orgs? Any sports interest you? Have you tried meeting people online?

    Most of my college friends came from clubs and orgs and even gay hookup apps. One of my closest friends I met on an app. Those apps also HELP give you an idea of how many gay guys are at your school. Those "lad" types you don't want to be friends with, I can guarantee at least several at your school are probably just gay and straight-passing.
     
  13. Joe2001

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    I live at home so I've not had the opportunities to socialise much out of class, plus I suffer from social anxiety so would find going to clubs and organisations extremely intimidating. I do know people online but they aren't at my uni and live in another part of the country.

    I would be genuinely shocked if any of those guys were gay, they were all the stereotypical 'lad' types ("bros" to Americans), seen those sorts a million times already. I'm not denying that there are gays there but not in any of the areas I've frequented.

    My goal isn't really to find a BF at uni but I do want to feel like I fit in and find friends I properly connect with - those two things are what is really missing.

    Going slightly off-topic, how did you manage with the apps? They scare the living daylight out of me since I'm not photogenic and am scared of rejection but I might download one as I think they may be my only shot at finding any potential BF given the current lockdown (might be a while before I can physically date).
     
    #13 Joe2001, May 13, 2020
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  14. Chierro

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    I mean with clubs and orgs, just start small. I'm not saying go and join the biggest orgs on campus but is there anything you're interested or enjoy doing that has an org associated with it? My entire college experience was shaped around an org my sister got me into a month before I moved in. That org gave me friends...and led to a job...which led to the vast majority of my college friend group. And this is being said by someone who hates being in situations where you're surrounded by strangers...trust me, I get the social anxiety. But sometimes all it takes is just one little scared leap.
    I mean, I hate the apps, I'll be perfectly honest. I get a lot of rejection. It's mostly older guys. But considering the area I live in, those apps are one of the only ways to meet guys. It is, however, a struggle to find guys my own age. And God forbid I stumble across a guy who's closeted that I went to high school with, that's just a whole other mess.

    BUT it depends.The end of my freshman year I met this guy...who turned out to be a future coworker and him and I are now great friends and we never did anything. The end of my junior year I met this guy and he's literally my favorite person ever and we've hung out. Him and I have never done anything but that's complicated. I have met a lot of decent guys through apps.

    Just keep an open mind to them. Expect a lot of rejection because guys can be petty. Expect the few random creeps. But keep an open mind and it's not an awful experience.
     
  15. Destin

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    I guess I'm going to be the one to choose the controversial option (hey, what a surprise, me being controversial :innocent:)

    Yes I have, but not quite in the same way as you described. My opinion about myself and the theoretical concept of being gay is more open minded than it originally was. I was never that much of a homophobe or anything before, I was just uncomfortable and am less uncomfortable now.

    However, my opinion on the gay population in general has changed quite a bit and not in a good way. When I first came out I was really happy to be around any and all other gay people, and saw anything weird they did as expressing themselves or being confident etc.

    Now, after meeting at least 50%+ of the gay population of my entire city one way or another through school, apps, work, random hookups, friends of friends etc. I see so many things wrong with those same people. Whereas before I'd see the "loud and proud" types marching in a pride parade in their underwear, scream at people in nightclubs at the top of their lungs etc. as fun and quirky, now I just think "what the hell is wrong with you? Is it really so difficult not to be so obnoxious all the damn time?"

    The super closeted people who just deflect anything and everything about themselves, I used to think of as people who were just new to discovering themselves and weren't ready yet. Now after watching those people get even more paranoid over the last few years instead of better, I just avoid them as much as possible. I've met up with and talked with tons of closeted people from apps, and I just don't care anymore. If they're so paranoid that they won't even say their first name in person or show any kind of picture on an app, why are they even here? Like, make a freaking decision, don't meet up with people just to spend the whole time hiding everything about yourself and pretending not to be gay when I literally met you on a freaking gay app.

    I've met so few other gay people in real life who are in the realm of what I consider to be a normal person. It's almost always one crazy extreme or another, and I understand more now why the straight population in general thinks we're all nuts if all they ever see are those people as representatives of the gay community.
     
    #15 Destin, May 13, 2020
    Last edited: May 13, 2020
  16. Joe2001

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    Just signed up for one of the apps on a whim. Wish I hadn't bothered, I limited my age range to 18-23 and sadly on first glance, a total disappointment. Not enough options available. I guess you are right that it's mostly older guys, very few guys near my age.
     
    #16 Joe2001, May 13, 2020
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  17. Chierro

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    Keep in mind that a lot of guys aren't on a lot (depending on the apps) and will only show up when they're on. Just test the waters and see what's around. You might be surprised.
     
  18. Joe2001

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    After I narrowed everything down, only 4 of my matches have been online in the last month. I'll try another app as I'm guessing this one is out of fashion.
     
    #18 Joe2001, May 13, 2020
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  19. Chierro

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    Ha, that happens too! You do have to figure out what's a "thing" in your area. I've come across so many apps but only like two or three are actually used in my area. Some are more popular than others, you just have to figure them out.
     
  20. lonewolf79

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    Hey there,

    While my sexuality hasn't changed, I have indeed become less accepting and open about it to the point where I don't really get along with other gay guys. It's a little weird to explain but I feel like I can't relate... Could just be that I don't enjoy the same activities as the majority here but yeah I find that when I was younger I was OK with it... and as the years have passed, I have more or less hidden it. I went to see a counsellor in 2019 and as it happens a lot of how I feel could just be linked to having met the wrong kinds of people and basically once I click with the right group (or as he put it "Once I find my tribe") I will begin to feel differently.

    PS - I also took French - all the way through high school and at uni till honours (I was the only guy pretty much from 2nd year onwards... C'est la vie :slight_smile:)

    Stay kind to yourself and once you find your tribe, you may feel ok again.
    :slight_smile:
     
    #20 lonewolf79, May 13, 2020
    Last edited: May 13, 2020