Gender Therapy

Oh my gosh, thats exactly what I do too! There's always a brief hesitation or a moment where I stare blankly at the form before i mark the box. When I went to a counselor this december, it was a fill in for gender, and I stared at it for a long time before I wrote female. It was after that appointent that I realized I'm not cis gender.

Haha thats awesome, and that's a huge step, congrats! Even if we know the label woman/ female doesn't fit, it takes a lot of courage to step away from the safety of the known. I feel the same way when I mark neutral or male on unimportant quizzes on line.

Yeah I've always hated when people are addressing a group and have to specify guys and gals, if I'm there. Like I'm fine with being one of the guys. And for my flat formal, I wore a little black dress, and my favorite complement was when a friend told me I looked like a stud. I was just beaming when I heard that, it made all the dysphoria educing comments disappear.

I need to try to do that more, I'll still say "damn girl" to myself sometimes, but it doesn't necessarily mean I see myself as a girl. I've acctually been trying to call myself by my chosen name Michael, in my head. And its amazing the sense of pride and joy I feel with that name, I always just assumed that everyone hated/felt mildly ashamed of their name. . .

But its okay to be scared, and even take time with things. Sometimes we need to take the time and be patient. I think maybe if soemthing's holding you back, you just aren't quite ready yet. But I also try to remember that "courage isn't a matter of not being afraid, you know. Its being afraid and doing what you have to do anyways." - Rose Tyler.

Thats so frustrating, yeah I'm out as a lesbian to most people, but deep down I know thats wrong on so many levels, and I feel guilty for not telling the truth, but I can't even admit the truth to myself yet.

And I'm not even butch, if you saw me I look pretty femme. (at least in my mind... other people might see it as average)

In the US, I live in the Pacific Northwest, so its super liberal and open... but in france, I don't think there's really much of anything. I'm debating emailing the LGBT center of the little town I live in, but I'm worried they won't even be accepting there.

 

I'll respond the two most recent responses soon, but I just need to write this out.

I've known this for along time. I haven't wanted to admit it, I've tried to be a girl, but its not who I am. I'm pretty certain that I'm FtM.

And I can't take this. I hate it so much, my life currently feels like a nightmare and I wish I could wake up. But that's not the reality. And that realization is almost too much. I don't have support in real life. My best friend isn't accepting. My parents have told me they would not be accepting of a transgender child. My dysphoria is bad this week...and it seems to be getting worse with each new realization that surfaces. I'm too worried that trans people aren't accepted in france to visit the LGBT center in my town. I can't imagine I'd ever come out to my family, I fear that if I did I'd be disowned. Its not a far fetched fear of mine that I might loose all of my friends and family because of who I am. Why couldn't I just have been female?

All I want is a friend in real life to give me a hug, and tell me they love me and accept me no matter what. But unfortunately I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I emailed the counselor who I saw in December to see if my school offers counseling in the summer (they do), he responded right away. I' m debating writing back and maybe mentioning something about my being transgender. And while I know, I know confidentiality issues... i just need to know that one person, just one person who I've seen in flesh and blood supports me. Even if that person is counselor, I just need someone.

 

Thanks (*hug*)

Yeah that might be part of it, but I honestly don't know if its so much that or the fact that I'm constantly being called a girl, referred to as the group of girls, and can't take living the lie of lesbian any longer, and closeted as attracted to women. I've never been treated as much like a girl as I am right now, and I've never felt this aware of my masculinity. Its a very conflicting juxtaposition.

Just today, I tried to convince myself again that I was a girl, and the same depression headache that I know all too well started coming back.


As far as LGBT centers go, I might try sending an email to the center in the town I live in. I wrote one out a few days ago, but chickened out and deleted it. But if I'm going to make it through the next few months without any guy friends, and being considered one of the 'girls' every single day, then i need to do at least that.

(but I am in a smaller, more conservative town in central france. My host family is a bit more open, but one of the girls in group said that her family was extremely catholic and not okay with their gay son...)

 

Merci jay777 (*hug*)

Oui, je sais. I know I should reach out but, I'm just afraid to... I think I might try to send an email to the Cigales (LGBT center) and ask about resources or meet-ups that they have.

My dysphoria, I've noticed tends to get worse as the day progresses and if I think about it too much. But it comes and goes in waves, typically later in the evenings are the worst time. Its an odd feeling too because while I know I'm not female, and might even be ftm, even though I know it doesn't, it feels like my okayness with-liking of female clothes invalidates my identity... even though I know it doesn't.

I don't know if I'm ready to cut my hair yet, for now buns are sufficing, but I just walked past a cute pair of boy cut underwear in the women's section of H&M today, and I'm debating going back on my own and getting a pair. Another little subtle step.

As for emailing the counselor, I might. I'm going to sit with the idea for a day or so, and then maybe reply. (I don't want to burden him too much because I know there's a lot of confidentiality issues around therapists and email.)

I can't quite admit it to myself yet, I think the fact that I feel like guy, especially in my attractions... (and especially in my attraction to guys, specifically my guy friend) is a pretty clear indicator of my identity.

And honestly I can't see myself coming out anytime soon to people, because I first want to be accepting of myself so that I'm better prepared to respond to other's reactions.

Thanks again for the response

 

Thanks and you're right. While study abroad its self hasn't been too taxing on me (suprisingly), elements of it are, and combined with my gender identity issues its rough, but I'll be okay. I just sent an email to Cigales (the LGBT center)... I'll just have to wait and see what they say. Hopefully they'll have resources or meetings that I can benefit from or go to.

That's good advice, and I'll try to do this more. This whole realization is extremely new to me as well, at least it feels that way. While I've know since summer time, it hasn't been until the past 2 months that I've begun fully realizing and accepting that its who I am.

Thats a great idea I've been meaning to get back into running. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll go for a run to start the day. Get some time to myself, endorphins pumping, and time away from people.

I think the problem for me right now is I'm being very social, well at least it feels like that to me. But being social is painful. It hurts to be misgendered every 5 minutes by friends, host-family, real family via skype, friends on line, and strangers. It's getting so bad that I can't even like a friends post on fb with out becoming dysphoric when I see my birth name.

Thanks thats a good quote My personal favorite is "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light."

 

Thanks Felix (*hug*) And I hope that you're able to find the support you need as well.

I ended up sending the counselor the email, and he replied right away and gave me a few links to resources. He was very nice and well meaning, but god did it hurt when he addressed the response email to "Birth name" when in the last email I signed "Birth-name (But I think I'm starting to prefer Michael?)". I'm not going to let it get to me too much, or spoil a supportive well meaning email, but it just sort of made me feel conflicted and tiny bit invisible.

Thanks thats a great suggestion! I just took your advice and changed my FB profile to a picture of the Eiffel tower that I took while in Paris.

I'm glad you're able to find a distraction, for me I retreat into my mind and try to think about how I'd paint my surroundings. Its either that or retreat and feel numb, or sit in the moment and feel my heart be poked and prodded by the well intentioned words around me.


Anyways hope you all have great days/evenings/ nights. I'm off to go on a run now. (Thanks Vodkabaret for the suggestion:icon_wink)

 

Oh god, that sounds like something out of a nightmare. Just tonight I got stuck with the french version of the "so you want to have kids and get married someday, right?" conversation. I just kept saying no, I didn't feel like explaining it further. I mean I'm a transgender person, who is likely FtM, but currently am perceived as female by everyone, and I'm also bi/pansexual with a preference for women. Yeah! Rainbows. *throws glitter in the air and laughs hysterically before running back into the closet and crying in secret*

Oh my gosh I totally know what you mean, I can't tell you how many times I've said, "I'll never understand women." Like you can't just make up little things like that. Gotta love the sneaky ways the subconscious works.

Thanks yeah I keep flip flopping around on deciding one. Michael, Mitchell, Mitch, or maybe something completely different. I'm starting with a gender variant version of my birth name and going from there.

But then again my birth name (BN), I can't stand it anymore, and even male names that resemble it feel wrong. At least spoken in france my BN is gender neutral, but seeing it written out it's like nails on a chalk board. And, yep I've always despised my middle name too... haha oh the similarities.

Whatever age you are in realizing shouldn't invalidate your identity. Be that 5 years old or 95 years old. Its never too late to realize and work on accepting who you are. I think that sometimes our brains don't let us realize things until we're mature enough to handle the knowledge and possible outcomes of being our true selves.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I think butch is just often associated with masculinity. Short hair, baggy clothes, more dominating personality. And yeah, I mean I dress in pretty average form fitting female clothes, but my mannerisms and the things I say definitely raise eyebrows from time to time.

Thanks, for reminding me, its a good thing to remember. And I'm glad you're making progress. (*hug*)

 

No worries buddy *high fives back* And Dude, your "dude" made me so happy, that was the first thing I read this morning

Yeah, it does suck, but he sent me this huge list of books with ISBN numbers, and a few internet links, so he was obviously trying to help and be supportive. But what I'm starting to realize is that cis people, just don't realize how its the little things that make the world of difference, the right name, pronoun, or descriptor, can completely change my day. Not a list of books that, while well intentioned, I can't buy without a complex effort so my parents wouldn't see the titles appear on their credit card bill.

I know he meant well, and I'm trying to remind myself that with everything, the people in my life mean well when they call me a 'female descriptor' and they don't know any better.

And well, thats the sucky part. He's in the Pacific Northwest, and I'm in France for another 4 months. So I mostly just emailed him to know that someone I know in real life knows (and is supportive.) I might send an email thanking him, and sign the letter Michael just to see what happens. But I'll be okay. Over these next 4 months I'll get to know my self and grow without training wheels. It will make a stronger more self assured person, a better man. I can do it, I will do it. I have to be able to, because there's not an alternative.

Awesome, but that sucks. Actually it was just a picture from a boat on the Seine, oddly enough I didn't go see the tower in person. The day I was going to, I got distracted for over 4 hours by the Musee D'Orsay and a little Diagon Alley like art store Sennelier that's next door.

 

Haha, not at all, I love it! Viva la Gender Therapy thread! And I mean technically, technically it could still be considered under the topic right? Talking about our feelings and all, is therapeutic, n'est pas?

Thanks Felix (*hug*)

I ended up finding the courage and realizing that I just needed to ask my friend if he had read the letter, so I sent him a fb message. And the first thing I woke up to this morning was a message from him thanking for me for reminding him, and saying (and) reading it then. Followed by a message of support/ acceptance. I'm just so relieved. That was really worrying me so knowing he's supportive is so amazing, and even though there were quite a few dysphoria inducing moments today, the knowledge that he has my back makes them bearable.

And I live in my head almost all of the time and as a result don't care much about my physical body so as a result physical dysphoria is manageable, it is getting a bit worse, but its still not too bad... but my social dysphoria is getting pretty bad. Its almost to the point now where even female pronouns are starting to feel off. I just completely shut down as soon as I hear my birth name or a female descriptor used to describe me. I'm really glad my friend is supportive now, because soon I might need to try and talk to him more about the depths of the iceberg...

Yeah, I mean guess you could say I like art, you know, just a little bit :icon_wink. Oh thats awesome man! Eh accounting... yeah not the most exciting. Ooh psychology! I sort of have a side obsession with/ passion for: Psychology, neuroscience, astronomy, cosmology, biology, and philosophy(and of course LBGT+ things ) ... I'm even thinking I might want to take or audit a gender and sexuality course when I get back to my university, and maybe take another astronomy class... I could philosophize about deep space all day long... Yeah I'm totally a nerd, and I love it

Thats a really good perspective to take, I'll try to do that more often. (but I sort of have a thing for ambiguity/ contradicting myself... nothing quite like a debate with yourself lol)

Yeah, I honestly have a hard time remembering when I first started feeling dysphoric, its aways sort of been there, hovering around, but when I first can start to recognize past signs I was around middle school and girls started getting more girly and I wasn't too keen on any of it.

Yeah my social dysphoria is getting pretty bad, and I'm really awful at putting on a fake smile, so people can always tell that i'm uncomfortable/ unhappy but they never know why. I feel really bad, I think my host mom thinks I don't like it here (I love it) but as my french is improving even the female descriptors and pronouns in french really bother me.

Thanks Felix (*hug*) I'm growing more secure with my identity as time passes, but I'm sitll working on finding a good name. Michael is okay, but I think its too close to my birth name and too formal, I think I want it to start with an M still, but I'm open to changing it completely. I think it will take hearing it out loud to know.

But funny story... I can't tell you how many times I've asked my parent's in the past (way before I knew I was trans) what they would have named me if I would have been a boy, unfortunately it was always the same, "Oh we didn't come up with boy names for you because we knew we were having a girl," Lol, oh if only they knew...

Its good that you hold onto those good memories, and I'm so sorry that your mom never understood, but I think most importantly she would have just wanted you to be happy. And its okay to miss them, but know that they'll always be with you in your heart and memories (*hug*)