Gay and unattractive?

That's sort of how I've seen it so far.

Attractive + Confident = "Oh, wow, what a cute guy!"
Attractive + Shy = "Oh, his shyness is so cute!"
Unattractive + Confident = "Oh, what an irritating, arrogant, ugly fuck!"
Unattractive + Shy = "What a creep!"

And there's the Borderline attractive, who can turn confidence to his advantage, and I think this type is what most people talk about (whether they know or not) when saying confidence can make you attractive. A lovely personality wont't magically turn you beautiful. It may make others more willing to be open to you as a person, but not as a potential mate. They "cannot fuck your personality".

 

nah. though i guess this highlights the general shallowness of people in what they find attractive.

 

But it still boils down to looks being a major factor. It doesn't matter how confident you are if you have nothing to work with.

 

https://youtu.be/sf_UjZi1VQc

 

That's what I'm saying.

 

There are times in my past that I remember where my self-esteem has taken shots. One day, I had just gotten a haircut and as I was walking down the street when a couple of strangers practically said to my face that I was unattractive. They weren't saying it TO me, but they couldn't have been any closer to my ear when they said it and they made zero effort to be discreet. In high school, I was at the shit end of a poorly handled rejection from a crush. I heard from a friend that my crush (who is also gay, but apparently out of my league) had complained along the lines of, "Why do only people like [me] fall in love with me?" These are the times that stick with me. Self-esteem is harder to build than knock down.

All the "you're beautiful in your own way", "just keep telling yourself you're beautiful", etc: it's literally like trying to tell us the sky is orange after however many years of being told (implicitly or not) that it's blue.

Im in the boat of "confidence doesn't mean much". As much as we'd all like to believe that people aren't shallow, appearances are still the first and foremost aspect of a person we use to determine our predisposition with them (whether they're someone you want to get to know or someone you don't really want to talk to, but will if they start talking to you first) and it happens before you know a thing about their personality.

 

ugly is relative. depends on the eye of the beholder. the only person that matters is you. if you think you are ugly, you will emit this in everything you do. your actions will carry this with you.

you can change your clothes, your hair, your body, etc. but if you still think deep inside you are an ugly person, you will still feel horrible.

my advice is that you are not ugly. there are many successful models that may not be conventionally attractive but are extremely unique and are quite successful as model. you have to believe you are something special because you are.

 

That sounds like the same canned speech they give kids in middle school before reality hits them.

---------- Post added 10th Jul 2015 at 01:14 AM ----------

Beauty is also dependent on culture but in this day and age there appears to be certain common traits across different cultures. But believing you are something special is a mistake, because we're not. If you want something you have to prove you deserve it, no one is going to tell you what a special snowflake you are when there are at least a hundred others like you.

 

Wow, I'm kind of surprised that so many people feel this way, but I, too, can relate.

I'm not sure if it's a genetic thing or not, but when I was younger, I used to pack on the pounds, which really hurt my self-esteem. My older brother (biological!) on the other hand was literally like a twig. For the longest time I would always dwell me being "fat" and I think this really affected my confidence for a long time. I'm pretty sure both my looks and attitude toward myself left me open to the casual bully.

When I got to high school, I started doing a few activities just for fun, namely cycling and making an effort to walk more. Couple this with the support of friends and eventually joining a running team and I actually got down to probably the best shape in my life in high school (don't read into it too much, I wasn't that skinny). I was still larger than most, frame-wise, but this was a great confidence booster and I felt better inside and out too with the confidence and mental strength running can give you.

Today, I am definitely not in as good of shape as I was then, but I can appreciate a lot of what I learned from those experiences having been on both ends of the spectrum. One-on-one with people that I feel are not judging me, I am extremely confident and can really speak from the heart about my beliefs (minus the being gay part ). I still struggle in groups where I don't feel like I have something in common or I feel judged, but when I feel like people appreciate and accept me, I can go out and make my voice heard.

I agree 100% that confidence makes people more attractive. I feel like you can be emotionally attracted and/or physically attracted to people. I have come to better accept my physical appearance (working through this daily) and I try to keep myself in check with small things to take care of me: don't eat this if you don't want to feel bad about it, try a new facial hair length / beard-line, take the time to go out and run, etc.

Hope this helps.

 

Confidence doesn't work unless you have something to work with. You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear as the saying goes.

 

It's true that you have to be at least one person who believes in yourself. With regard to looks though, what I've seen time and time again is that different people are attracted to completely different looks. What one person finds as ugly, may be someone else's "type".

If you can believe in yourself, there's a higher chance someone else will too.

 

Assuming you pass the physical portion of course, otherwise it's pointless.

 

I agree with DeathArcanaXIII.

It's possible to love someone and be their friend regardless of physical appearance.

But sexual desire operates on more than just "confidence" or emotional compatibility. It is primarily visual.

Which is why ugly people don't have an easy solution to a lack of romance. The only things I can suggest to them is to accept their bodies, get fit, and try to be happier in their own company.

 

I hope you realize how stupid that sounds! :dry:

 

I'm quite willing to accept it as a stupid statement if you have better suggestions.

Learning to be happy in one's own company doesn't mean they will be forever alone. But it would make life easier if they can't find someone.

 

Oh, let's be condescending now. OK... :rolle:

 

Well, even if your belief is that "physical" looks are a deal breaker, that still doesn't mean that all guys perceive your looks in the same way. It really comes down to what your "type" is. In my opinion, people often look better on the outside and inside because of their "imperfections" or to put it another way, "unique attributes". That's what makes them them and not someone else.

I'm absolutely certain that every gay person on EC doesn't find the same "type" to be attractive. There may be some common physical features shared by some that are sought after, but there are many people looking for someone with the opposite appearance, too.

Don't sell yourself short. (*hug*)

 

Not really many others, we are a minority compared to the rest of the world here on EC. As far as people's "type" even those have common traits that people are into, those who fall out side those common traits are "ugly". It's appearance first and everything else second. Does not matter what unique attributes you have if you don't have even a passable appearance (even those unique attributed are shared among hundreds of others, no one is 100% unique).

 

I'm definitely not arguing that it won't be a harder road if you don't think you are outwardly good looking (sorry for the triple negative there). You've got to play with the cards you're dealt. You can choose to dwell on the negatives only or try to see the silver lining occasionally -- and then stop there, don't re-evaluate the silver lining as a new negative (I'm guilty of this, too :dry.

I'm inclined to agree that because genetic phenotypes are limited and there are over 7 billion people on the world, everyone likely has a twin (physical appearance-wise). But the chances of you actually finding that person or being in the same area as them is unlikely, so I think that's safe enough to call "unique". (*hug*)

 

I wasn't talking about physics characteristics, I was referring more to personality.