1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

For those of you who are married, but seeking something outside of it...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. WanderingMind

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Messages:
    190
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Rockies
    I'm seeking (and lucky enough to be in) a mostly full-on relationship in conjunction with my marriage. I would not characterize this as an open marriage... but as a marriage that allows a certain openness? My marriage remains loving, whole and profoundly important to me. My husband is an incredibly awesome man, and I love him with my entire heart. He knows about and has worked with me to figure out how to integrate the love I have for another woman into our reality. He lets me be free... and because of that, I feel like our love is even stronger in an unexpected way.

    Loving a person in addition to your spouse does not necessarily mean the marriage has to end, or even shift to a place that's somehow less. With a lot of communication, effort, and admittedly, a super strong marriage to start, it can mean a life with so much more.
     
  2. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Wow, this sounds...awesome!!
     
  3. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    My husband is totally ok with the idea of me being bi, but not acting on it (at least for now). He has used the word wistful a couple of times to describe how it seems like I feel. And it's pretty accurate, although I tend towards angst at times. I know he's in part concerned because we have kids (4 and 8), but I just don't know how much I can bury what I feel. And I don't want to. Feeling stuck about it.
     
  4. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
  5. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    How did you introduce that link? That story is soooo familiar to me :/
     
  6. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,250
    Likes Received:
    1,259
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I, too, am looking for something outside of my marriage. I have two "dates" this week. Actually, platonic "hookups" with guys I met on line. Pretty wild. But, I live in an area where there are a lot of guys who like the same activities so setting up an outing seems O.K. This was my wife's idea. She wants me to experience "some" gay lifestyle.

    However...I am getting mixed messages. Somedays she is very "understanding" and other days she almost seems jealous which is very rare for her. So, I am sensing she is uncomfortable. We still need to have the talk about really how far I can go with a man.

    I wonder if it is different for guys? I am looking for not just a hookup, but a friend too. But, I don't think I need the emotional connection. I just want to get naked with a dude! What is hard to explain is that the desires I have for men are different than for women. So, I am not trying to replace her with a guy.

    I am trying to really be the most attentive husband I can be to show that there is room for me to have friends on the side and provide my wife what she needs.
     
  7. Thirdtimecharm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2015
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Nice link Caliwoman. Wish I could have my husband read it and be accepting but unfortunately that is not the man I married.

    I like her speaking about being Bi...I tried explaining what it meant to be bi to me to my therapist who is a lesbian and has been from day one. She told me that being bi means that you are able to love and have romantic feelings for a man and a woman, both genders. While I don't disagree, being bi for me has always meant in addition to...that yes I could love both a man and a woman but it was more for me. I needed a relationship with a woman to function in my every day life. I need that emotional connection and intimacy I can only have with a woman to exist. I feel more me when I have it and am happier. It's not about the sex (although that part is pretty amazing) it's about having that emotional intimacy with a woman that I have never been able to have with a man. Sometimes I wonder if I label myself bi just Bc I am married to a man but have the ability to be in love with a woman...I may deep down be a lesbian but out of trying to be who I was supposed to be I married a man. I wish I could go back to high school and college and kick my Catholic school girl butt and tell myself it's ok to love who you love, be with them. Do you...figure out what you want. Now at almost 40 and married with kids I know I want women and have this serious primal urge to date women, connect with women, make out with women..ugh. 40 going on 14.
     
    #27 Thirdtimecharm, Jul 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2016
  8. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Bi,

    My husband and I have had many conversations over the past few weeks and what I glean from it every single time is that he applies my need to be with another woman as a slight to his ego and that it implies he's incapable of satisfying his wife.

    So, when I stumbled on that link and everything she wrote resonated with me, along with the subsequent comments from other posters, I thought it best to share it with him. I talked to him on his way to work, repeated my feelings that this is a need, but that I do love him and do not want to leave him, and that I also feel guilty for even asking for anything extra with a female.

    He read it and it seemed to help because he agreed to let me talk to a female and even said, "I just don't want it to be x-rated all of the time and have it take you away from me." What? It can get x-rated? (!) LOL

    So, here's to hoping that we can start this slow and eventually, he'll feel comfortable and see that this isn't going to hurt our marriage and it may even enhance it, because even though we have issues, I really do love him and when we're working on all cylinders as a couple, we're great.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2016 at 08:34 AM ----------

    Nick,

    I get everything you're saying. I know in my case it's frustrating to understand his confusion because I get that I don't want to leave him and that this is a need that even if satisfied occasionally, will satiate me (or is it "sate"). Obviously, my husband doesn't get this because he's so fearful of all of this and I get it now. It must be hard. I think it's hard for both parties involved.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2016 at 08:48 AM ----------

    OMG girl, I have said the exact same thing, primal urge. You've said exactly what I said? You're not out in California, are you? LOL just kidding.

    And everything you said applies to me, because it is a need and it freakin' aches and burns in my bones.

    The last sex therapist I went to said she thought I could get a level of emotional intimacy through friendship alone. Really? Because those friendships look like relationships on an emotional level, but they're vague, confusing and intense. It would be much easier to hook-up with another bi married woman who would "get me."

    Thing is, I think I would want them to be my girlfriend on the side. I think I'd probably want to be faithful to her and vice versa and that's the caveat, is my husband might wanna watch (he knows that in my wildest dreams of having a girlfriend, I wouldn't want him to touch her), but she may not want that. I know I wouldn't.

    In the meantime, the urge is what I fight with.
     
  9. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    I think my next hurdle is dealing with the guilt surrounding my bisexuality, because it's still there embedded in me.

    I met a really cool chick online and we hit it off and I think she's wonderful. Oddly enough, she's not my type- although she's cute and in very good shape- but she's not a woman I'd probably even think to engage with, but our chemistry was going very well. She did say that I ran hot and cold and pushed her away as soon as our chats reached another level of intimacy. We had a bit of a misunderstanding and both triggered each other, although I don't believe it was intentional.

    Things have gotten weird and I may never hear from her again. I'm a little bummed out today.

    Yesterday, I spoke to a woman over the phone (met online) and even though she said she was okay with how emotional this is for me, she kept repeating about how beautiful a woman's body is and that this is "girl time" for her, but that she needs a dick in her life.

    Okay, I completely get all of that, but there was no mention of a deep/emotional connection required. She mentioned beauty, big boobs, good body, etc. No mention of anything regarding character and an emotional attraction.

    Practicing meeting new women is something I need. I get my hopes up too quick, put my eggs all in one basket, and crash and burn when it doesn't work out. I need to realize this sh-t is like dating a man, no difference, but what I want over the physical, is much more emotional with a woman.

    I need it. I crave it. There's a longing I cannot describe. Since I've never been with a woman, I hope I can reign in my feelings if I were to actually make love and have an emotional connection with one.

    I disagree with that sex therapist we visited. These emotional needs cannot be met through a platonic friendship alone. I think the ultimate relationship for me would have my emotional connection with the woman manifest in the ultimate and beautiful culmination of making love. And there is that ache again. Ugh...
     
    #29 caliwoman, Jul 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  10. kypso

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2016
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northampton
    Caliwoman I can empathise with your predicament.
    I thought I really just wanted to have sex with a woman, which I really do.
    My hubby and I have discussed open marriage etc and he is really open to it, on his part too as his sex drive is higher than mine...(although I think mine would be higher with a woman, but that's another story!)
    I think I too am really craving the intimacy with a woman, a connection.
    I fear this, because I fear for my relationship. I cannot imagine my life without experiencing this nor can I imagine my life without my husband, my rock.
    This hurts, I can totally understand where you are coming from my friend!
     
  11. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    My husband is also my rock to me, lol. The last therapist said, "You can tell this man...he's your rock. You can see it a mile away."

    It's all so damn scary.

     
  12. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    I think maybe we need a therapist to get through this... Maybe once my big kid is doing a bit better we can work on us/me/this issue.

    I still can't get over the needs/wants thing. It feels so selfish to label it a need, but given that it came back up 20 years after choosing to repress it... probably is, or it wouldn't have come back up.
     
  13. Shorthaul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2016
    Messages:
    1,406
    Likes Received:
    210
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think most spouses no matter their gender would take it as a bit of a hit to their ego; to know that their partner wants something they can't provide. Heck its a bit of a blow to the ego when my wife doesn't have an orgasm during sex.

    That is probably what makes this topic so heavy is, it is really hard to convey the way we feel to our spouse without hurting them in some way. I'll have to check the link out another time... stupid internet is acting up.
     
  14. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,250
    Likes Received:
    1,259
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Shorthaul

    I think you nailed the crux here. I, recently, told my wife during lovemaking what turns me on about another guy. It was pretty fun, really! We shared fantasies about sex with men. I think it helped give her an understanding that my desires are something that she cannot fulfill and she is O.K. with that.

    What she is not O.K. with is the risk of disease and the risk that I might decide I only need a man and not her. I continue to share with her how much I desire her by acting like I did when we first started our relationship. My first priority is being sure she is happy and I think that is what she needs.

    I think it is easier as you get older. My wife and I know that we love each other enough to stay in the marriage this long. That really helps.

    If you guys can take cold showers for another 10 or 15 years your spouses may have different attitudes.:dry:
     
  15. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    I can identify with this. In flooding myself in researching and scouring the internet for other stories about married bisexual women, I found the general theme of struggle was surrounded of the guilt of this being a want or a need. Many women, like me, put these desires away, only for them to rear back up again, and all it does is result in anxiety, because we attempt to suppress it.

    It's like playing whack-a-mole with our feelings. We may cover one spot, but it's going to come up even harder and faster in another.

    Also, I think that when we question the needs vs wants, it indicates that we are loving spouses, not in it for ourselves. We love the other person so much, we think about cutting a part of ourselves off in order to avoid the potential of causing hurt to the ones we do love so much. Yet, here we are, all struggling with the same thing.

    Hugs to you, my friend!! :kiss:

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2016 at 11:55 AM ----------

    Awwww, I love this part Nick! You're so sweet to your wifey!


     
    #35 caliwoman, Jul 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2016
  16. Butterfly2016

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    I went through with it. I'm kinda starting an online fling with a woman on another site. She contacted me this morning and all day we've been talking. Its going really well. Right now its just a friendship, but she and I are very happy right now. And honestly, I haven't been this happy in years ^^
     
  17. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Oh wow! Congrats! Is she local to you?
     
  18. Butterfly2016

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    No. Out of state. But that doesn't matter.
     
  19. PrivateLeigh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm exactly where you are right now! I think about having a fling and getting whatever it is "out of my system" but then realise I need more than sex. I want to BE with a woman.
    I feel like it's a nightmare I can't wake up from, but then it's exciting and makes me feel hopeful at the same time.
    Confused doesn't describe how I've been feeling lately.