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For those of you who are married, but seeking something outside of it...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Are you seeking a fling or a full-on relationship, outside of your marriage?

    For two months, I've convinced myself that all I wanted was a fling. Just to try and be with a woman (which, I very much desire) while figuring out my marriage to my husband.

    But when I think of being with a woman, it's not only the sex I want...I want the damn feelings and emotions, too. I wanna make love with a woman (total opposite of what I want and have w/my husband). WTH. I want a full-on relationship, which is a no-go while being married.

    I feel kinda..sick to my stomach. Am I still in denial? WTF?!?!?! It's soooo not a fling I want. I want all of it and this has hit me like a ton of bricks. :bang:

    I'm just curious as to others out there, whom are married. Are you seeking a fling or relationship?
     
    #1 caliwoman, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    For me, I've always seen what I want as a full-on relationship. That's one reason why I'm not interested in starting an open relationship; I don't feel my primary relationship would stay as my primary relationship.

    But to put that in context, I've never had a fling, and I've only ever been with my current (opposite-sex) partner.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Jul 1, 2016
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  3. bi2me

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    I'd like permission to be intimate physically with close friends I'm already emotionally attached to... So... maybe a little of both. I know I do not want another dating type relationship - that would be too much work for me, but I also don't want just a fling that doesn't mean anything.
     
  4. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you, guys.

    Can you have something emotional, without the "dating" aspect?

    I guess I'm afraid I'm going to freakin' fall in love with the woman! That possibility, for the life of me, had not crossed my mind. Denial, it's a helluva drug.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2016 at 11:36 AM ----------

    OT, I know you watch GoT. Did Dany and Yara give you any vibes in the last episode (or previous one, depending on how caught up you are)?

    Hmmm...[​IMG]
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Emotional without an official relationship/leading towards a relationship?

    I think that's probably different for everyone. For me, I don't think so.

    I've always seen falling in love as part of what I want. I don't feel emotionally fulfilled in my current relationship though, so that's maybe why. A bit of me does feel that it's going to be hard work to build up a relationship again, but that doesn't put me off the idea.
     
  6. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you. Yes, it is different for everyone. I'm afraid of falling in love.

    Right now, we're trying to work our marriage out and I do enjoy sex w/my husband, but it is very lacking and most of the time I kinda envision being with a woman.

    I guess I'm very confused as to what I really want.

    Thanks, Not. Food for thought.
     
  7. dirtyshirt84

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    I'm still trying to figure this out...if being with a woman is possible while staying within my marriage. I do think if I was single I would definetly pursue sex/a relationship with women. I can't imagine having what I have with my husband with another man. I'd be worried if I did have some kind of fling or fwb type situation id get too emotionally involved, as being with a woman has always been really emotional for me (lesbian cliche? lol!)

    There was definite flirting between Yara and Dany, im curious to see if they take it any further :slight_smile: Yara saying she was up for anything really was the best line!
     
  8. bi2me

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    I have loved/been in love with my best friend since high school. In part, our distance and lack of real day to day compatibility makes her a perfect person for a situation like this. She's also bi and married, but I do not want to cheat on my husband, and she keeps hinting that she thinks she will somehow hurt me if we try again on a physical level (which we did in high school). I have yet to tell her the extent to which my heart broke over and over during the year+ between realizing that I still loved her that deeply and coming to terms with not being able to have her in that way, at least not right now.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2016 at 02:50 PM ----------

    Loved this!!

    Now we've started back on OITNB, and I'm watching The L Word (which I never saw when it was first out) when my husband is out of town.
     
  9. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    OMG Dirty, yes. Yes, yes, and yes to being w/women as a very emotional experience. It is for me. It always starts emotional, then turns into more. Shit. Not sure how I feel about that, since I'm married. And I've never actually been with a woman, but these intense friendships that feel like relationships are so emotional for me. I can't imagine what it would be like, with sex.

    Haha! It was palpable between Dany and Yara.
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    For me, sex with partner is OK, but I could easily go without it. I envision being with a woman too, which makes it better.

    I think how much value is placed on your current relationship and how much you want to preserve it, is a factor here. For me, I was considering leaving before I started questioning.
     
  11. MidnightStars

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    Years ago I was married to a man. He thought it would be cool to have a threescome with another woman, boy that sounds so cliche. Anyhow he had me look for someone and at the time I thought it was pretty gross, the idea of two women together. Fast forward several months and I did find a woman and ended up leaving him because he cheated on me.

    It wasn't an easy marriage but we managed. I wanted something more. It never felt right with men. I had met this woman online and when we met in person it was electrifying. We hugged and it felt right. She then put her hand on my knee as we sat down and I felt this electrical shock pulsate throughout my body. I felt it in my toes. I had never in my life experienced that with a man. It almost felt forbidden and perhaps that enhanced it.

    I'm not saying to leave your husband. But merely, I wanted more out of my marriage that I wasn't getting. I can't say if it was a fling or relationship that I wanted. I think mine was so far gone I just wanted that intamacy.

    Life is anything but simple that's for sure. I think the heart can make things more complicated. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Lindsey23

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    I would want a relationship but at this stage in my life it would have to be a casual relationship. Being married with kids and unable to move out I just don't have time for a girlfriend. Plus it would feel weird trying to be exclusive with someone when I live with my husband. Not many people would accept that. I could never have a fling but would love to date someone.
     
  13. Thirdtimecharm

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    Hi Caliwoman,
    I not only have sought that type of relationship, I have had emotional
    Relationships with women for pretty much the past twenty years of my life and have determined that I cannot be married without one. The emotional connection with another woman is intense and unlike any thing else I have ever felt in my life. I didn't realize it until recently but seeking this type of relationship with a woman has been my path for most of my life. I am married for about 12 years and have two fairly small children. I also have an amazing Woman in my life who helps make everything make sense to me. She's kind, loving and mine. I love her like crazy. Our situation is different, not something that would work for everyone, however I have spent most of my life depriving myself so I have decided to indulge in my true desires. And indulge I did. And I love it, love her and it just works for us.
     
  14. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    I don't mean to be obtuse, but do you consider her your girlfriend (not a platonic sense)?

    I guess I have a hard time picturing that. Being in love with a woman, but staying married to my husband. Hmmm...

    And what you describe about it being so emotional for you...well, that's me. Lol. It is such an emotionally intense experience. It's hard to fathom how I would feel if sex were to be involved. Would I fall in love? Would I want a monogamous relationship with the woman? Gosh, I dunno...

     
  15. Shorthaul

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    I'm not sure the term I am thinking of is 100% fitting for your exact position, but it sort of fits mine. Basically a same sex friend with benefits. Someone who you trust and can do other things with, but still be intimate with on more than just the physical level. A friend who understands you still want to be married, but have needs your spouse can't always provide... Hopefully that doesn't come across as crass, I certainly don't mean to be.

    I don't want a fling, because that would be cheating at least in my mind. At the same time, I would like a little more openness in my current relationship. Not to the point where we each are just hooking up with any random person we fancy. Just a friendship taken a bit further, someone I already trust and have a form of relationship with first. Maybe it just isn't that easy to explain as I would like it to be.
     
  16. Butterfly2016

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    I'm guilty. Totally guilty. I want a relationship with a woman soooo darn bad it physically hurts. I just started working online and its very slow so far. Thats already disappointing enough. But as I age, my feelings for women increase. Being a lesbian forced to live this way makes me sick. I've tried over and over to convince myself that finding a girlfriend online would me me feel better. But...I can't get past the fact that its cheating..no matter how I look at it. Maybe I need to just grow a pair and do it...idk...
     
  17. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Sister, I'm so with you. Yes to the physically hurting aspect. That reminds me how bad I wanted the woman I fell for last year. I finally told her, "On sone nights, I wanted you so bad, that it hurt." That brought back memories, you saying that.

    I'm with you on the not sure if you could cheat part, too. My desire for women is beyond just being horny for one, if that makes any sense.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2016 at 05:43 PM ----------

    Shorthaul,

    You don't sound crass. I get ya, lol.
     
  18. biAnnika

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    Wow...I really wonder if I should open my mouth here...but as usual I will.

    I am long term (celebrating 30 years together) partnered to a woman I love very much. I am bisexual, and finding the extended absence from men..challenging? In much the same way as I'm hearing many women here expressing absence from women. And then to make life more difficult, I've also learned painstakingly over the past 10 years that...well...I fall in love with people...and that this leads to the same kinds of aching desires that you're all describing. I'm not (I swear) seeking something outside my relationship with my partner...but some such "something" comes to me...sometimes with men, but (as a Kinsey 4) more often with a woman.

    But to all who are saying "I want the emotional aspects of a relationship as well as the sex...but I'm married so that's a no go", I need to say that this need not be a no go. I have serious issues to overcome myself, because I was raised with a strong value for monogamy. But the fact is that it is possible to love more than one person...at least for some of us...and it need not destroy your primary relationship. I am currently (and not for the first time) head over heels for another woman...and my partner knows...and she says she feels no loss of love, feels no loss of affection, feels she has plenty of time with me...and I love her to pieces that she feels this way. She understands that this is part of me, who I am. We're still figuring out the sex part (after 30 years of monogamy together, it's challenging for either of us to envision changing things)...but love is very much there, and is not wrecking anything for us. It takes a *lot* of communication, and a *really* solid base...but with those things, it's possible.

    So yeah...I'm not in the same boat as most of you...but I feel like my boat is close enough to yours that we're feeling some of the same tides?
     
  19. BrookeVL

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    This is kinda one of the things that makes me nervous about dating now. I don't want to be on here as the guy posting things like "I love my boyfriend, but I really want a woman, but I still want my boyfriend" or vis versa....
     
  20. Thirdtimecharm

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    Yes I consider her my girlfriend and I hold my relationship with her in a pretty sacred place. I have had a relationship with a woman and my husband before....at the same time but with the woman is was only emotional and to be honest not sure if I can even compare my feelings to one another. The way I feel towards a female feels different than the way I feel for my husband. It may be that too many things have been broken between my husband and I (that's an entirely different story) or that I thought I loved him or convinced myself that I did because I was supposed to marry a man and he was available. My love for a woman is so far different than the love I have for my husband.

    It's still a process for me. I know what works for me may not be something someone else may consider. I am not into judging someone or someone judging me. My life is my own. I have lived way to many years under the veil of religious guilt And I have worked very hard these past two years to be authentically me.