First "Out"ing, total fail

Hmmm. Interesting new development. I heard from "Fred" this afternoon, the very first time since he emailed that list of therapists to me the first week of September.

He texted:

Hi. Sunday I'm driving from Bishop to SF. Any chance of meeting for coffee for a short time prob early Sunday afternoon? In Laguna beach now.​

My reply:

Think so. Call me tomorrow eve to discuss?​

Feeling a little freaked, a little nervous, a little ambivalent. He's the only person I've come out to - other than my hairdresser (who as I've mentioned before, I came out to and she came out right back at me) - and after sending him an email, his response didn't even acknowledge the fact I'd bared my soul to him. I haven't heard from him since, now on Sunday I'm going to have to look him in the eye.

Here's me, smack dab right back in the middle of awkward-land again!

Yikes. :help:

 

DragonBait-not sure how I missed this thread before.
Breathe! Breathing helps oxygen get to the brain. Kinda late for my brain but there IS hope for yours!
This is your chance to be totally honest about your sexuality in person. Don't let him use psychology on you as a way to detach from the discussion. Maybe he needed time to sort his feelings out for you. However it goes, just be honest. Tell him about who you are now and ask him if your being a lesbian affects your relationship.
On a side note: You should totally be a writer! (*hug*)

 

Greatwhaleofameanie, Devilboy, I have to get my response to you out of the way first. My immediate reaction to reading both your posts was a mental stomp of my foot, a pout, and the thought, "NOT FUNNY!!!"

And then I wondered if we could post videos to our photo albums here on EC and considered strapping a GoPro to my shoulder when I see him. Hell, from the reactions I get from the two of you, I could just live my life with that little camera as my constant companion and sell the results to Netflix. :rolle:

Now, regarding the actually helpful responses from nice people... (still looking for that pouty smilie)

Rose - thank you. Seems like I'm always in a state of either holding my breath or hyperventilating. Must remember to breath, that would definitely help. But the thought of actually asking him if my self-realization affects our relationship puts me right back into hyperventilating. I wish I could be so bold. That's the thing that drives me nuts about myself. I would have no problem being bold on someone else's behalf, I've gone toe to toe with strangers on the street when I've witnessed teens being harassed about their homosexuality, no problem, but when it comes to standing up for myself I just crumble.

And thanks for the lovely compliment on my writing - although I can't imagine what I wrote in this thread that may have inspired it. I guess these are my two greatest dreams right now - to come out of the closet as a lesbian and to come out of the closet as a writer.

DesertTortoise - thanks to you too. I guess I do have to remind myself that I actually did it. That's got to count for something. Thanks for helping me notice!

Annika, you're dead right. I can't/won't/don't want to bring up any question of his interest in me. Frankly I'm choosing to just continue with my original belief that his behavior was all in good fun. (kind of like I do with some guys on this thread! :icon_wink) But I will have to address the elephant in the coffeehouse. I'm thinking the best way will be to tell him about the new therapist I'll be meeting with for the first time the next day, and explain exactly why I chose her - her list of specialties. That just about ought to cover it, don't you think?

 

DragonBait- I had a PT last year who told me I always held my breath. Became really concious of it. I noticed I started to breathe better & deeper after 1.Coming out. 2.Telling off husband.
Even as a child I would never defend my self but was always very protective and outspoken in defending others. So I understand that.
This is your time to be bold in big & small ways for yourself!

 

I was just re-reading this thread from the beginning and I think my response earlier today has varied a bit. As much as I definitely still could never bring up the subject of his past flirtations myself, if he even dares to make any sort of suggestion that I only feel this way because the man I was with wasn't a good lover, or anything along those lines, then Rose may be more right than she knows. It will be my time to be bold in BIG ways!

Uh oh, shouldn't have reread. Getting myself all riled-up.

 

It's good to get riled up! My therapist told me its healthy to get angry sometimes! I used "Fuck this Shit" as a kind of a verbal tic n my head for months this spring/summer to deal w/stress....ok and said it out loud quite a bit too!

 

There is no excuse for his callous reply. I work in the medical field as well and when I am confronted by someone close to me with a personal issue I don't go into professional mode. That is am excuse and it's a poor one. Sorry. I know this is late but Fred pissed me off. Best. Xx

 

Aw, thanks Lovetoski. I should probably say I'm sorry my friend upset you, but I kind of think it's sweet of you to get pissed. (Yeah, I'm strange)

Anyway. He called last night. I was at a party at a winery where I volunteer and was having a great time, so had to run outside to talk. I may have been a little giddy when I answered and he sounded completely confused. He asked me how I was and said "I'm good" and he got all, "Are you? Really? Are you really good?"

Guess I should be sitting around crying all the time. Now I admit, it does happen on occasion, but certainly not all the time. So I just said, "Yes, at the moment, I'm good."

So then he got all awkward, explained the route he'd be taking and asked if we could meet. I said yes, and then he asked if he'll recognize me now, with my short hair and all. WTF? We've been friends for more than 6 years, he's seen me with every hair length from chin to ribs, in every style from Lion's mane to braids to bun. Why would he not recognize me? And why did I take that as some kind of dig?

It's going to be interesting. I think after all this I'm just ready to be on the defensive and I'm feeling really vulnerable on top of it. How do I get my head in a good place before I go into this?

 

You soo have to wear the utiliskirt/tank/biker boots so you got some inner 'tude /confidence rocking!
Definately sounds like he has complicated feelings for you. If you don't like where the conversation is going and don't feel like talking just say "I'm sorry. I need to leave now." That's it.

 

I'm with Rose--get as stereotypical as you can.. Sit back and watch him squirm. I don't like Fred.

 

[QUOTE=Lovetoski;1718571]I'm with Rose--get as stereotypical as you can.. Sit back and watch him squirm. I don't like Fred.[/QUOTE]

Thanks again, Lovetoski, your anger on my behalf makes me melt. I'm not used to people defending me!

But on how to present, I just don't know. Especially after his "will I recognize you" comment. Part of me feels like (apart from my hair which I cannot possibly reattach) I should show up looking as much like the way he'd remember me as possible. More of a stand my ground defense (shit I hate that phrase!)

But, I'd like to impress upon him that I am still the same person I've always been, the same person he met, the same person who saw him thru his own divorce, the same person who refused to go to bed with him. But I've just come to grips with some hidden aspects of myself since the last time he's seen me.

I feel like if I present as a different person, it'll be easier for him to disregard me, write me off. But if he's got to face that he never saw who I really was, it might not be so easy.

Or am I just rationalizing?

 

Here's the thing...it doesn't matter what you wear or how you present yourself. We all have people in our lives who we have to "come out" to. I hate that term bc it makes it seem like I've been intentionally hiding things from those I love when,in fact, some of us were so unaware that we hid the same truths from ourselves. Embracing a side of ourself that goes against the image of the person we have allowed others to perceive us as is difficult. It is difficult bc it's scary for us too, but in my case part of that scary is I imagine others thoughts circling around the drain of disbelief--"Not her. She can't be gay-- she's been straight her whole life!?" In the end-- I think-- the people that really matter will always accept us. They won't care about our clothes, our hair, our sexual preference or even our gender identity. The ones that really matter only care about the core that is each of us. I guess what I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter how you present yourself. Fred has already decided (maybe subconsciously) if you are a friend he has because of the core or a friend of convenience for whatever reason he felt necessary. So go as you are. Be you. I wish you the best tonight, but if it turns out badly... Know that he was really never the friend you thought he was.

 

You are absolutely right, Lovetoski. I'm going to show up looking however I feel like looking when I get dressed tomorrow. Could be hippy skirt, could be cargo pants, kilt or even my 14 year old's hand me down sweats. Otherwise I'll feel like I'm trying too hard to look like something I'm not, and no matter what, I'm really just me. Just hopefully more of a true me now than I've been for a very long time.

btw - on a completely unrelated note, did I ever mention that I don't lovetoski, at least not anymore? Blew my ACL skiing, had it replaced, then blew the replacement 2 months later.

 

Just got his ETA - meeting him in an hour. Suddenly don't want to do this.

 

(*hug*)You will be fine! Breathe!