Feeling empty

Trying to fill emptiness with other people rarely works. Sometimes we need to work on ourselves first and let people come later. Slowing down helps too, burnout can contribute to depression and feelings of emptiness.

Obviously I'm not a professional but sometimes slowing down and trying to care less about the world outside for a while has personally helped me before.

 

Yeah you definitely can think about hobbies. I'm thinking of trying baking myself, I'd probably be terrible at it though!

By lonely by the way, do you mean in terms of people you physically see or just generally, if that makes sense?

 

I get it and sorry you're feeling like this. What do you think about hobbies that involve other people? At least some otherwise you might feel lonely again as the interest in hobbies alone gets old and empty again. Seems like it comes back to having enough supportive people for life to feel worthwhile and not excruciatingly hopeless. Then again the wrong people can cause a lot of damage and pain too so I don't know how most people seem to do it so easily. The pain of loneliness is worse than pain from others maybe so they opt for that? Hang in there buddy!

 

Yes, some things you can enjoy alone when you want and some to do with others. Same with people not understanding me too and being awkward, oh well, we're all misfits

 

Hey Rain! It's been a while since the last time we talked. I'm sorry for that; I just took some time away from EC because I started to feel depressed again.

I'm really sorry you're feeling like that. I wish I could be helpful but my mood is similar to what you describe in your post.

All I can say is that I feel you because I'm there too. Have you been feeling that way for a long time?

Lots of hugs.

 

This is a really hard topic for me because it gets deep into some core things that make me lonely for someone to love me. Socializing helps me, and getting obsessed with some hobby. I consider myself a very independent person but when I'm feeling like I'm alone and no one "gets me," I begin to act in erratic ways and allow my emotions to drive me, which in turn makes me hate who I've become. I don't hate myself, I hate what loneliness can do to me. How I behave, what I say, how I think, during those times are like I'm some other pathetic human being lost in a mire of self pity. All the while my logical, levelheaded side is screaming at me to get it the fuck together! (this is probably not very uplifting at this point, sorry) I suppose I'm not here to try and fix your problem, Rain, or suggest ideas on how to beat this. I'm here to say I get you, I see you, and I understand where you are coming from. *hugs you tight*

 

I find meditation and mindfulness helps me to get grounded and makes the problems seem more manageable - especially with anxiety- I find all the things we worry about are either in the past or in the imagined future - so finding that feeling of being in the present can be really calming!

 

You definitely have a lot things to worry about! And yes it's hard to find time to meditate! I find it doesn't make worries go away but it, at least, gives you a break from them! Even if it's only half an hour!

 

This is pretty much exactly how I am, and feel lately since being away from home. I think it's a little bit the culture being different. no amount of English proficiency can eliminate the feeling that I'm not fully understanding what people around me mean. Like reading between the lines stuff. I try to guess what people mean or are implying, and it's often not right. Emotional attachments increase this problem to the point of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride that I want off of. Then I beat myself up over my stupidity, and recover and become the sensible, guarded person that I usually am, and feel more comfortable with.

I am sorry you worry about so much. I worry too, but I rarely "feel it," it just sits there in the back of my mind.

 

Hi Rain, a lot of your worries are completely understandable, given the place where you live and the times that we are living through. I think you need to break your worries down into the things you can't control and the things over which you have some agency..

Firstly, your parents' reaction: you can prepare some groundwork here, place a 'trail of breadcrumbs', so to speak. That way, when you finally do break the news it won't be a complete shock. Also you could the two stage approach (stage 1: 'I have something big to tell you', followed by: the big reveal).

Then the job. I don't know the situation regarding trans rights in employment in Estonia, but you are an EU citizen! You can live and work in 27 different countries (unlike us Brits). You could get a job wherever you want in Europe, perhaps somewhere that is more accepting than where you are now!

Paperwork? Well, join the club. If you're trans, it's unavoidable.

Acceptance? Yes, there will be people who don't accept you and that will be hard. But many friends will and you will make many many new friends who do accept you for you. In most people's lives - cis or trans - there is what I term a 'friendship churn' - you lose some along the way, but also gain some too.

Are you strong enough? Of course you are. In many ways you've already gone through the most difficult bit - self realisation. You know you are a guy. Many many people can't face up to their inherent trans-ness, because it is too damn hard to face. Gawd, it took me 50 years!

I'd worry about love later. What I will say is that there's nothing more attractive than someone who is at ease with themselves, who is happy with who they are. Transitioning will give you that ease and make you feel comfortable in your own skin, which in turn will make you more ripe for a romantic relationship.

Finally hormones: There's no getting around it, they will change you. I've heard they can shift your sexuality. Testosterone will certainly make you more horny! (like a lot of guys). The idea* is that your dysphoria will disappear - because you're more at ease with yourself. You will feel and sound and look like the man you've always wanted to be.

You and me are in a similar situation. I'm on the brink of going onto hormones, but I know I face a hairpin bend in terms of my relationships with a lot of people, mostly family. I know some people won't accept me, but I've got to do this. I simply cannot live the rest of my life as a male.

It's going to be alright, Rain. It really is.

Hugs, Beth xx

* Obviously, not having started I can't say this for sure! Everyone I know who has gone through it says it has a positive effect on dysphoria.