drinking problem

i know she had a good point but idk i just sorta wanna be done with everything at once..im day four today and u know what i feel so much better than yesterday..im on my game today at work although i made three mistakes so far but its a good day so i can see them in a positive light (i gotta make mistakes in order to learn new things) ..i skated for about two hours earlier too..i actually landed a trick ive been trying for a while :lol: its been a great day and i think that yesterday helped make today so good..it was so fukin shitty and yea i broke down like crazy when i left work but u know what, it was the stronger choice and like that link sweetfemme sent me said that tears of emotions actually release sum bad toxins from my body so its a win win all around..i love when i can think like this..i love how powerful i feel in these moments..theres no bad that can break this barrier..now if only everyday was like this haha..but yea im done with all the junk in my body so quitting both at the same time makes me feel strong as hell..skateboarding helped make today so great as well..(oh shit listening to music at work while on my lunch and the song came on that reminds me of that girl..i wanna feel this hit me like a wave crashing on me and not let it carry me.away like it has been...im better off without her and u know what..she didnt deserve me..maybe thats why life took her away from me..it wasnt to hurt me but to help me cuz she really didnt deserve me like sum special lady out there does....) hows that for strength (&&&)..fuk booze fuk cigarettes!! fuk all things bad for.my physical and emotional health!

sweetfemme, i will check out some of those books..i went to the library today but couldnt find any kool ones..i saw a few books about a girl falling for another girl kinda stuff but it said 'fiction' so im not interested haha..thank u for being my friend and damn good support..that goes for everyone else on here as well (&&&)(*hug*) love u guys

 

lol..well day five..to be honest im fearful cuz today is my friday after midnight neway..and payday..one of my friends hit me up yesterday asking if i was working which usually means he wants to kik it which usually means he wants to drink..hes pretty much like my best friend but yea also my drinking buddy i dont think weve ever kikd it sober and when we did i just fell asleep then left when i woke up...ive known him since i was 16..hes a bit older tho..all the people i hang out with are in their thirties..i think the youngest friend i have is my sister and shes 29 thirty next month lol..its always been this way i just dont click with people my age or younger..neway that other friend i used to work with wanted to go out this weekend to the casino which means gettin fuked up wasting money..im assuming he wants me to drive :/..actually he was the one i was with when i rolled my car..we were drunk as hell august of last year and he was fukin with me and grabed the steering wheel and jerked it on me i didnt expect it and jerked it back lost control hit a levy and rolled it.totalled my car..and surprisingly i handled it well..im not so sure i really cared that much just glad we were ok..i wasnt wearing a seat belt he was not a scratch on me and he cut up his arm..we were really lucky..ive wrecked two cars now from drinking and driving..got a d.u.i in 08' quit for a year and four months thats the longest ive ever been sober..but i had absolutly no friends i secluded myself was miserable i missed having fun and so started up again..then when this one girl i liked called me an alcoholic i quit again for exactly six months then i went to visit my sister in oregon and well i couldnt say no..started back up..then after my bday of last year i quit again for three months then idk i guess i got board and wondered why the fuk i was sober..lol..but neway..i kno my best friends gonna want me to come over..he bought me flowers last year hes really sweet like that..idk how i can say no to hanging out..i feel like fearful cuz i have the feeling im not gonna be able to say no..cuz i guess sumwhere deep down it all sounds fun as hell i mean its valentines day and id feel like a douche if i said no..ugh i hate this..i hate when i start stressing like this..i feel really off today too..like dizzyish..sortof disoriented a bit..i know right now that if i give in and smoke a cigarette im gonna say 'fuk it' all together and get fuked up after work..i really need support right now idk what to do..i cant kik it with him sober its just not what we do..we understand eachother on that level and when we chill its like we vent to eachother/talk about girls i love it..i wish i had a girl best friend or girlfriend that way itd be so much easier to live sober cuz id have a reason and an excuse..how fuked up is that lol..ugh i just feel scared..five days..and i think his sister wanted to kik it too and get fuked up at a strip club.(which usually isnt my thing but she likes them and well..i love hanging out with her) i used to have a crush on her but shes married and has kids so..but neways..idk im stressing out really fukin bad :'(

 

im just spinning in circles in my head..fighting what i want and fighting to not want what i want..ugh i feel kinda shameful and stoopid for writing all this personal crap to u guys..

 

hmm..lol well i guess i want to get out this weekend..dont know where ill end up..kinda like living that way: pack a few changes of clothes sum warm for cold sum for hot extra undies and socks a blanket protein bars and apples waters guitar skateboard money and just hit the road unaware of where im gonna go just decide once my tires change from dirt to blacktop..im gonna try to stay sober but honestly cant say for sure where this weekend will go..its lonely being so alone wanting to share these kinds of moments with another person..kinda sad that i gotta go to a bar to actually feel like i have family or belong sumwhere..fuk it i guess

 

hell yea hit me up ive been skating all morning..i really want to skate the bowl but theres so many little fukin kids here at the park i hate it..beat a kid at a game of skate tho..lol..people tripp out cuz i can land impossibles and primo flips lol...on another note i went to gay AA today..surprisingly it went pretty good..i was kinda late and there were only like seven people there but i opened up alittle and sorta tryed to get the 'theyre judging me' thing out of my head..i mean everybody there is gay too so thats sooooo comforting..been doing really good so far..i really want to skate more but it sux how crowded these parks are..i mean sum people is kool so if i land sumthing kool they give me props lol..but when u got skooters and bikes in the mix with hella little shits running around it throws u off..sumones bound to get hurt..guess ill go practice my ollies or idk take a skate break..my knees are killin anyway but i love how sweaty i am haha..really good workout..and it makes me forget about all the dumb shit in life..librarys closed..the only books i have right now are "the good beer book" and "extreme medicine"..hey i recommend "surviving the extremes" by kenneth kambler to u its so far the only book that sucked me on and was really educating..

 

not a fan of children..lol..my sister has three kids and they live with us (moved around a bit but went thru a funk..actually i was working one job for a year and i half but i was their best/fastest picker so they ran me like a dog pretty much..i did every job in the warehouse working my ass off making pebbles..and i was going thru this thing with this girl that worked there that i liked alot and i thought she liked me too.well one night we got drunk together and she says she came on to me but i thought it was me on her idk..neway i was on my period so i didnt want to mess around but we made out and cuddled and fell asleep sortof spooning..well i fell for her obviously but after that night she liked started to ignore me at work and we used to be hell kool..i felt really hurt about it cuz i really thought she liked me and i liked her alot..i spent about six months having to work around her feeling that shit unable to just put it behind me so i started looking for another job..landed one fairly quickly so i finally quit..this was during the time i rolled my car and was car-less..so my parents helped me by letting me borrow their car to go to this new job..well it was good money but i was soooo unhappy and stressed the fuk out..i really felt that all that stress and negativity was killing me..i would have almost like anxiety attacks at night and felt really sick body wise..but i truely felt that life would take care of me so i layed everything on the line..i quit my job..so i was jobless car less bills were stacking up..but i was positive that everything would work out..i sortof felt and actually called it "im on vacation" taking the time to destess and take care of myself..i went to oregon then my sister came down and we chilled here..it was really fukin kool..during the time she was here on visit was when i met that recent girl that broke my heart..its really weird how we met so i wont get into that but yea..i met her and felt that life was already giving me sumthing good cuz i thought she wanted to be together..till she just stopped talking to me without saying goodbye :/ ..but shortly after that maybe even alittle before i landed the best job i could ever ask for..best pay ive had yet and badass hours easy work with kool people..and a week after she stopped talking to me i got a car..im still slowly digging myself out of credit card debt but it wont be long now with this job..so i guess i can say that so far lifes been fair to me..alot of hurt for sumthing good..i guess i feel selfish sumtimes for asking for a girl too..lol..cant have everything in life at once..so i guess im content..working on myself for now..getting healthy physically and emotionally and getting sober..gonna probly live at home cuz its so much easier to save money this way and just buy a house instead of renting) but neways..yea..my sister lives with us And her kids..ive always known i didnt want to ever have kids..but now moreso lol..i guess i can say her kids are enough kids for me lol..but i guess if i met sumbody and she had or wanted kids i might be open to that...im a big kid as it is..lol..wow this was long huh lol..thats just about the last 6-7 months of my life in summary..but neway..yea i liked that AA meeting..i wont go to a straight one tho :/~ NNEEEEVVVER!! (action cartoon voice emphasis) haha jk..i will go back to those tho..umm been skating off and on since i was 7-8..im kindof an adrenaline junkie..i ride dirt bikes as well although im not as good lol..holy shit sorry this is a novel lol...how about u?? id like to get to kno u more..besides sharing the same addiction lol ..and ur deff. the brains lol

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2015 at 04:37 PM ----------

i actually do have the big book and ive read sum of the stories..it is sortof interesting i cant help but feel like theyre just in there to promote AA tho..and the "higher power" thats they talk about which makes me uncomfortable, u kno...idk why im so skeptical of things like that..i seriously dont and cant watch tv cuz i cant help but feel everything is complete bullshit its all scripted and its rotting my brain..lol..i dont own a tv..and if i do watch tv at a friends or sumthing its like the discovery channel or sumthing about science or educational..but i did read a book once it was this woman who wrote about her life and her problem with alcohol..that was much more helping to me..i cant remember what it was called tho.....:rolle:

 

lol..i totally had no idea u were 24..the way u respond to sum of the threads u sound older lol..i felt u were older than me anyway..i really like geology..thats kinda my passion but i dont have the attention span to read much..i do very good in a class tho..i was deff one of the top students in the class..maybe now ill read and research more.since i have more time but usually i have to do hands on stuff to keep busy..psychology kinda comes natural sumtimes cuz im very perceptive and analytical...u should do a reading on me i too like family guy and big bang..i used to kinda like penny haha..i thought she was cute anyway..lol

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2015 at 05:50 PM ----------

ps im really glad that ur on here this weekend..i knew itd be a rough one but on here i feel i have just the right support i need..even tho i do feel embarrased to share sumtimes..this guys hitting me up right now to head on over to the bar but u kno what lol i dont even want to.. im hella thankful i found this place

 

i wrote this to a very good old friend of mine this morning thought id share:

well i think im gonna.make it.thru this weekend..i kinda had unfortunate help tho..lifes funny lol..i do believe there is a purpose for everyone and for everything that happens..i guess bad things.are good things in disquise..even if they are shitty as fuk..haha and i mean really fukin shitty lol..for sum reason im suposed to stay sober..unknown to me.yet but soon ill figure that out i guess..what confuses me is where the line between purpose and choice lies..we can always make choices regardless of whats happening to us..is that us being stubborn not listening to lifes intention..like a child lol..always doing the opposite of what our parents say out of reason and wisdom for the thrill and self freedom..so far when ive opened.my eyes to see the meaning behind life itself things are clear as glass..i see reason in everything that has happened to me..but theres times i stray..i kno what the purpose is and i CHOOSE another path..does it change anything? sumtimes yes..it sets me.back and makes me feel guilty and regretful afterwards..its as if life teaches me a lesson out of it..hense, the feeling i feel after a night of drinking..do i learn from it? id say right now yes..but before id ignore the lesson by numbing it out..but it never goes away..its just there waiting for me..and so im waisting time..i never grow..im standing still in life..what happens if i run out of life and im stuck standing in the same spot? will i be grown enough to except what comes next? or will i continue fearing what comes next like moving from where ive been standing so long...why must i be so stubborn lol..i want to grow beyond what ive known my whole life..one day at a time..im in no rush now..i admitt tho the weather in my life is not always clear skies..its hard to see beyond a haze where i must and have been learning to use my other senses..thats a part of growing..and in order to, i gotta keep moving forward..might run into a few trees sink in a few holes and have to swim across a few rivers but i know now and am learning to trust that soon enough the weather will continue to change and it wont always be rainy with an angry sky..besides all the obstacles are making me stronger as i cross them..how can i choose to be stubborn with this open of a mind? i do feel alittle fearful of the unknown and change specifically but excited at the same time..a new life to explore...i guess i always knew that i had the power inside to sync myself to how i want to feel who i want to grow into but i doubted myself and questioned why but the longer i sit in the same place the boarder i get..the lonelier i feel...the more i begin to hate the beauty that surrounds me and more hurtful, myself....i long to see all the beauty that life has to offer me...not just the same old trees and flowers that are withering away..the same old river that is growing dry...ill die here if i stay..ive waited long enough for a hand to hold out of this world only to realize the road that leads to me is too cold dull and secluded for another worthwhile to travel..i know what i need to do...lol..and damn it feels good..i love when wisdom flows thru me..sorry this was more for.myself i know its probly completly confusing but every line every word when i get into this zone has a meaning and really it all comes naturally..im wierd huh lol happy valentines day