drinking problem

lostluvr · Feb 8, 2015

well im admitting it to myself i have a drinking problem..i cant quit..i told myself i wouldnt drink and i did..this guy at a bar called me a social alcoholic..not sure why or what he meant by it but the alcoholic thing maybe be true..ive tried AA and it doesnt work for me i hate it actually..idk what the hell to do and i have no sober friends to just learn to be like them..live sober anyway...ive quit before but my quit days have gotten shorter and shorter..i feel like i really hate myself and my life right now..i feel depressed and angry at myself..i feel sortof trapped in this vicious addiction..didnt even realize till now that yes i have a problem with it..i cant seem to quit..i thought i was just a beer enthuseist but uhh...nah..the way i drink and the things i do while drinking are unhealthy and i need to stop and make a change..i dont like feeling this self hatred shame and regret... :'(

sweetfemme90 · Feb 8, 2015

Hello lostluvr,

you and I have so much in common. I am also an alcoholic and have been in AA. There are lots of criticisms in the program and I tell people to do what is right for them, there are other programs out there. I remember drinking out of control- for any reasons. I would drink if I went out, didn't went out, had a break-up, found out something about an ex. I was a mess!

The program did help me, what about the program that helped me was being around sober people. This meant having to step out of my comfort zone and introduce myself to new people and keep the good old friends who did all the interventions. It also helped me having someone older I could call, kind of like a mentor with some sobriety.

What we are trying to accomplish is finding a replacement behaviour for drinking. We don't want to feel some uncomfortable emotion so alcohol can mask it for us. While it does mask our emotions so we do not feel them, eventually it stops working. On top of that we do some pretty destructive things and people will point these out. Sometimes these things hurt, we don't remember, or we are embarrassed by what people tell us.

I would try to find some alternative support in your area. I think it would be beneficial to you. The hardest part of sobriety for me is having to feel your feelings. As uncomfortable as they are we all need to confront our pain if we want to grow and move on from it. If we don't then we never grow and we never heal and the problem becomes much bigger. We can offer support to one another if you like, I need it as much as you do! This is not easy, it involves getting back up and trying again.

lostluvr · Feb 8, 2015

id love that..its nice to actually hear from sumone who understands what im going thru..people who dont understand think its as easy as just not doing it anymore but ive lived my whole life like this..ive been drinking since i was 11..its kindof hard to just rewrite all these years over night..ur right i need to get back up and try again..i had a stoopid thought earlier of just buying a bottle of wine to relax my mind..i feel so clutter fuked about so much its no surprise that my drinking would increase..i really did try to sit here quietly and feel the pain like u said and i got thru it friday..i actually drove around in circles and then pulled into the bar then immidiatly left came home layed here and just cried till i fell asleep..yesterday i drove about two hours trying to get my mind off of it and i ended up at a brewery and got wasted then drove back torwards home and went to the bar and got even more hammered..its really fuked up man..i hate that i say im gonna quit and then fail..it makes me feel weak and ashamed and self disrespected i guess..i dont want to live like this anymore..i just want to be healthy..its hard for me to be social without it tho..thats sumthing im gonna have to learn..and its gonna be hard as hell..especially since i have like no friends anyway and the ones i do are really just drinking buddies..im not a typical 'girl' so socializing with other girls is hard..i dont like materialistic crap fashion hair make up :/~ or focus my attention on guys..thats why atleast when i drink me and all the other girls there have sumthing in common..idk this is too much im sorry...but yea id really love it if we could keep in contact..i seem to find a peace thru ur words like im excepted and not so alone..i really dont like AA i feel totally wierd there..i feel like.my problems are my own and none of anybodys business..besides im gay so that adds to the shit theyd probly judge me on or me just feeling even more strange around them..i feel like while im there im in denile that im that bad or that my drinking is bad but while im alone im real with myself..i do understand the sponsor thing u mentioned or like the older wiser perspective but i guess just for me i feel like its too personal to share with sumone that i honestly dont give a shit about...friends are what touches my heart..strangers who say they want the best for me seems like b.s..its as if im giving them a sense of pride giving them the position to look down on me..especially the people who were around my age that wanted to be my sponsor..fuk that..idk maybe im just too untrusting of most people..especially when im feeling vulnerable..i feel like everyone theres just out to hurt me more so i shut down..but people who i feel care about me that have given me advice before really seem to hit deep thats what works for me..ugh sorry this was so damn long

TJ · Feb 8, 2015

I've never experienced or been around what you're going through right now, but I'm really sorry that you're feeling down on yourself. (*hug*)

I hear what you're saying about talking with friends instead of just strangers. It's natural to want to talk to people who you know care about you. But work on trusting those strangers at AA, or wherever you go to talk.
They wouldn't be there if they didn't believe in what they were doing, just like we wouldn't be here to provide support if we didn't genuinely want to help you.

I hear you when you say you don't want to share personal stuff - it's hard to make yourself vulnerable, but I really hope you can take steps to open up in the future. It'll make a world of difference.

Good luck. We're always here for you. (*hug*)

lostluvr · Feb 8, 2015

thank u. yea idk maybe ill give AA another shot..its just that last time i went there i just felt it was making matters worse..idk.ill try again and post my experience..thanks again for your support *hug*

pinklov3ly · Feb 9, 2015

Hi, lostluvr.

I also have a drinking problem, so you're most definitely not alone. I just had a baby 5 months ago, and I promised myself that once I had my son that I would not drink again, but it didn't last long. I, in celebration of my son's birth, had a drink and it was then when I realized just how much I had missed the taste of alcohol. When I was pregnant I kept telling myself that it was going to be easy, but it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.

I mean, I went an entire 40 weeks without drinking, but for obvious reasons because drinking during pregnancy is something I would have never considered. My baby's health was way more important than my addiction to alcohol.

I wish it was easy, but it's not, and for those who do not drink, they don't understand. Like, my Mom always make comments about my drinking and I sorta feel ashamed. My Dad used to be an alcoholic, but he stopped drinking after my brother was born...almost 31 years ago.

I think my main reason for drinking was because I did not want to deal with my attraction towards women. I was in denial and the drinking helped me cope with my feelings and ever since then I've been drinking on and off.

I've never considered AA, well as a joke sure, but not seriously. I just don't think I am ready to stop. I drink responsibly, but whenever I drink, I drink way too much. Not only that, I drink every single day, which isn't good whatsoever.

So, before I type I novel, I want to say that I get it. I'd hate to admit to a group of strangers that I'm this or that, but I guess that's the second step to recovery. I hope you find the strength to say no and to give AA another chance.

I think I will look into getting help, but I think there's underlying issues that need to be resolved in order for me to get sober. I know what they are, I just don't know how to deal with them I guess.

Anyway, good luck and keep me updated on your progress

lostluvr · Feb 9, 2015

u kno it feels so fukin good to hear from others going thru the same thing..it gives me a sense of strength so thank u very much for posting...i woke up this morning and a drinking buddy already hit me up for this weekend..i hate weekends theyre sooo hard for me..i think im putting off AA..i just dred going..but i did find a gay AA so i might just check that out..im gonna try in the meanwhile to just workout and eat healthy..its day two no smoking or drinking..gotta start sumwhere right..ill deff keep u guys posted on my progress..id like to hear everyone elses progress as well were all in this together..love u guys **hugs**

turtlemom · Feb 10, 2015

lostluvr, the drinking is only a symptom of your problems. I think its great that your considering giving AA another chance. The thing is at least there you will be surrounded by others that share a lot of the same struggles as you. You just might find a good supportive friend there or even more. Remember, you dont have to like every single thing about the meetings. Focus on the things that you do connect with and forget the rest. I wish you the very best and I know you will find a few friends there.

sweetfemme90 · Feb 10, 2015

A lot of recovering alcoholics have slips. Remember we aim for progress, not perfection. A lot of alcoholics have difficulties socializing without alcohol because it often means a new set of friends, which involves meeting LOTS of people before you develop close friendships with a few people.

As far as being in meetings, you don't have to tell every single person the details of your life. You are right in that your problems are your business. You can choose who you are okay with knowing the details and struggles in your life. This is not something easy and simple to do. Start with small changes. Pick one thing such as joining a face-to-face support group. The friendships will form later. Keeping sober is not something most people do alone, it takes support of others to achieve sobriety.

Once you get comfortable experiencing emotion, and have found a replacement for alcohol, and have had a little practice using your new ways...your ability to cope without falling off the deep end is there. Everything will not be as intense. It's an incredible experience and for me it took a year and a half to be able to get there. you are amongst people who care.

lostluvr · Feb 10, 2015

thanks sweetfemme90 ..yea im trying to just stay positive..weekends are really rough for me..i work m-thurs so i can keep sober and busy all week (especially since i have a really good job that i dont wanna fuk up at..they drug/breathalize for every little thing)..i cant afford to loose this job..ill never find a better one on a highskool diploma alone..but neway yea im three days clean today and three days clean on cigarettes too ...im proud of that one..i think i just felt so stoopid over this last time i got wasted that it made me just totally discusted with myself..ive been eating healthy for the most part and exercizing again and that helps ALOT..i will try AA fri-sun..idk how open i feel comfortable.being..ive been there before and.i dont like to share i just listen but then i sorta feel like i dont belong there..idk maybe ill try to just be alittle open slowly more at a time..well see how it goes...i found this website meetup lol i think maybe if i just find sober people that do fun stuff i can enjoi being sober and i wont feel like the kid on the playground that has to watch everybody else play but cant join if that makes any sense lol..i guess if not i can always go out and try new things alone..im sorta used to it..maybe ill meet others along the way..but thank u so much for.sharing..i actually get kinda excited when u write lol its weird..and cheers (infused water ) to a year and a half that awesome! i hope i can make it there too..and i know it all starts with my thinking: its not that i cant drink (cuz i feel angry about it sumtimes readmitting to myself i have a problem with it) i can drink any time i want to, its that im CHOOSING not to drink lol..that helps sumtimes with the perception of the situation..and its not like ill never drink again i just wont drink today..that helps me sumwhat too.. ..take it easy..please keep in touch i do need the support now and then when i feel weak..especially from others who know and understand what im going thru

Wildside · Feb 10, 2015

have you talked to your doctor about it to get his recommendations? AA is a great program for those people for whom it works; but the fact is that the 12 step programs have an amazingly low success rate. Sometimes if you can figure out the underlying problems, the alcoholism goes away (despite what AA says). I abused alcohol for years because I was in denial about being gay. I got drunk rather than act on my feelings, and I got drunk so that I could go act on my feelings. But once I accepted who I am, the desire to get drunk just isn't part of who I am any more. I know that you're not dealing with what I was dealing with, but we all have something.

lostluvr · Feb 10, 2015

interesting perspection..idk i think i drink cuz i get board..i dont wanna do shit really unless i am drinking..and drinking actually makes me wanna socialize otherwise i feel id rather kik it by myself but hella yea i get lonely this way..thats why maybe not.drinking is so hard for me..that and like sweetfemme90 mentioned feeling all the emotions..im really sensitive as it is and so i feel everything hella deep so alot of things hurt me alot of things make me really happy (and i love drinking out of joy lol) ..just hella emotions i feel and all of them seem to ease up after a few brews..just recently was the deal with that girl..i felt really hurt that shed just leave without telling me why when she promised shed always be here for me..i trusted her..i let in past my wall..that hurt alot..and i guess my only solution was to drownd her out..and i guess it was working cuz im getting over her..i still think about her now and then and i feel sad and wanna smoke a cigarette but then i think of what sweetfemme90 said how like feeling all the pain instead of masking it so i can grow from it..and yea..as i sit here sober i feel like im actually letting go and not just not thinking about her...but neway..idk..though all these years of drinking i guess its just become habit or idk..my norm..im not sure if there is an underlying issue off the top of my head..i do kno that when i give up one thing i pick up another..but right now its a healthy alternative ..i gotta learn to fill my void tho cuz when i kik it sober i feel like sumthing is missing and i feel so uncomfortable that i just wanna leave and be alone..im hoping time will help..its like learning sumthing new..ur not badass from the start but with time patience and practice u get there..thats what im hoping anyway..if AA makes me wanna drink even more like it did before then ill find sumthing else..but this right here is helping me soooo much..this is my coping mechanism for now so thanks to everyone who has taken the time with kind caring words for me..love u guys **hugs**

Chip · Feb 10, 2015

According to all of the current research we know, alcoholism is a combination of factors. There is a genetic predisposition that creates risk, but that alone is a relatively low factor. The much bigger factors are an early-childhood bonding failure that causes a flaw in the development of neurotransmitter pathways. The alcohol basically fulfills a need that is biologically deficient. And then, finally, an overwhelming portion of drug abuser of all types are numbing some sort of shame issue. Difficulty accepting sexual orientation is one of the biggest. A very, very large portion of addicts and alcoholics have a history of some sort of trauma or sexual abuse in childhood.

The good news is, this is a very solvable problem. You have to look at alcoholism as a chronic problem, not one (for most people at least) that can be "cured" to the point you will be able to drink socially again. And right now, the alcohol serves as a way of dealing with feelings and problems that you don't have any other way to deal with.

So working on those issues is a huge help. AA or some sort of other social model has been shown to actually alter the neurotransmitter pathways into a more normal structure, but it takes time and persistence. And talking about the underlying shame issues, whether they are from some sort of trauma, a difficult childhood, low self esteem, or a combination of all of those, is crucial.

Here's another very strong incentive: Brené Brown's research on parenting shows that we cannot love our children more than we can love ourselves. So if you have a lot of shame and self-hate that is either driving or is driven by the drinking... that is going to have an impact on your child that is just as important as the impact of drinking during pregnancy. In fact, the bonding issues I described earlier are crucial because 90% of the child's brain function develops in the first two years of life, and the mother-child bond is crucial to healthy development of neurotransmitter pathways that not only are protective against addiction, but are protective against depression, delinquent behavior, and other factors. So if you start working on it now, you can pretty much eliminate the risks of passing on those attributes to your child.

Talking about it here is a great first step. Getting to an AA, and finding a good sponsor, is another. Finding a therapist is another. This is a very solvable problem and by acknowledging the issue, you're already ahead of many.

lilstar04 · Feb 10, 2015

drinking doesn't solve any problems, it just temporary makes you forget. plus the calories in alcohols!

lostluvr · Feb 10, 2015

yea well..sumtimes i weigh the consequences and still choose it..when i wanna drink its "fuk it mode" from there..besides i hardly ever eat during the week when i dont drink i dont get hungry much i only really eat while i drink..ugh today is so stressful at work its just an off day..i feel like im starting to crave really badly..i kno i need to just allow myself to feel this..i just feel that adrenaline feeling inside and its pissing me off...fuk breaks over x0

lostluvr · Feb 10, 2015

work sux right now i feel like i want to cry..i just want to smoke a cigarette so bad but i hate that im this reliant on them that i feel this empty without them..i dont know what to do with all this frustration..i feel like i cant do anything at all..i want to drink i want to smoke i wanna feel sumthing diffent than what im fuking feeling..i have nuthing to fill this void..nuthing..i cant even have caffiene goddamnit cuz it fuks with my body..i just want work to be over i want to drive and cry and get this bullshit out..i hate how weak i feel right now..why cant i feel stronger..ugh! i feel like such a fukin pussy i hate this

sweetfemme90 · Feb 11, 2015

What does the cigarette do for you? How do they fulfill you when you are stressed out? One thing I may recommend is working on cutting out the alcohol before cigarettes. A lot of alcheys in my group work on one addiction at a time.

Try listening to some music. Music can help fill the void temporarily. When he have giant holes in our hearts we need to let the body heal. Music, exercise, meeting new people, self-care, self-love, meditation, talks with people you trust is going to get you through. We are the treatment for broken hearts.

10 Tips to Mend a Broken Heart | World of Psychology

What helps me is reading. Psychology articles are great to relate to and books are the greatest escape. That's what got me through was books. They just take you away...

lostluvr · Feb 11, 2015

idk cigarettes just relax me..when i feel tense i just find comfort in them..i dont like how they make me feel in the sense that i feel selfconcious that i smell or that theyre fuking up my teeth more..i just wanna do away with them..its day........four..ive gone this long i just wanna see if i can stick it out and not miss them at all..music is a trigger of mine..i knew this wasnt going to be easy but i feel its sumthing i have to do..i just wish in moments like last night i could handle feeling that way instead wanting to run so to say..i need to socialize i kno it just sux when i see people i always think "ugh please dont talk to me" ..i dont like being social but not socializing turns me into an angry bitch so..guess its sumthing i have to learn..i feel so selfish and bitchy right now..i feel like i only want to do things for myself and can really give a shit about everybody else..when does this go away?? maybe this is why i failed in AA before cuz i feel all this anger and AA just feels annoying as fuk..idk..(sigh) i guess ill go skate i need to feel sumthing different and ease my mind..p.s, u recommend any good books?

Wildside · Feb 11, 2015

I think that sweetfemme has to say about working one addiction at a time. The way I've heard it put is that you work what is killing you worst first, and then move on to the next. It's a pretty tall order to try to work them all at once.
As far as AA, while it may not be for everyone, you won't know until you give it a fair shot. And you can only do that by not drinking while you give it a fair shot. Try AA with a commitment to stay sober for just that day, and it may surprise you. You may be the next miracle to walk through the door. And if it's not all for you, keep your ears open and I bet that you will find at least one thing that you can take away from every meeting. In some ways it's like being here on EC, in the sense that you will be with other people who are dealing with the same stuff, and you can support each other. When I lived in the DC area, there were even gay groups that were listed as such in the "Where and When."

sweetfemme90 · Feb 11, 2015

Lostluvr you are headed towards a great start! We are pals you and I, I enjoy hearing from you. For books I recommend any books by Julie Anne Peters. The book I am reading now is called "Gay and Lesbian Couples" by Ski Hunter. I like James Baldwin, he was a great author. Lullabies for little criminals by Heather O'Neill, The Heights by Peter Hedges, What's Eating Gilbert Grape? by Peter Hedges...Soo many good ones! I am putting the Tao of Pooh on the list of books to read next!

Julie Anne Peters' Books

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