Does my friend think of me as more than a friend?

IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST. This is an updated version of the text I want to send tonight to initiate a convo. Please tell me if it's good, if I should add or remove anything, etc. Thanks!

So I want to start off the convo like this:

"Hey there's a decent amount of things I want to clear up with you and talk to you about. And I mean actually talk, not get a BS formal business letter where you compliment my personality traits. I think that's the least I deserve. I'm very open with you so I think you should be the same with me. And sorry if I seem hostile, I'm not trying to be."

He'll say sure.

"Before I start, please be honest and open with me. I know you told me you're not happy with who you are and that means you have internal issues to deal with (whatever they are), which is fine. And that means you have trouble opening up in general. But please, like I said it's the least I deserve so try a little bit.

First off... This weekend had me pretty pissed off from the way you acted towards me. It was all pretty okay until you asked me to come by you, and I did, and you said something like "nothing I just wanted to see if you'd listen to me because I knew you loved me more than you loved (his brother)." Why would you do that if you know that I'm bi and that I like you? That's pretty fucked up in my opinion when you don't like someone back at all. Especially since you don't have to test how much I like you... I said I like you and I meant it so don't do shit like that again please. And why would you even want to test it? I don't understand you.

And dude, having a fake convo with someone and "seeing them across the street" so you don't look retarded to cars that are passing by? Come on, dude... Clearly we have different levels of maturity.

And when it came to the rest of the weekend, I dunno... It was weird. I felt like you didn't know how to act around me, which is understandable to a degree, but not really, considering I had to already deal with your confusing behavior and now it's even worse. There were times like at (girl friend's house) where you would intentionally not stick around where I was for too long and you'd also say shit like "I love you" to everyone around me or sit by me for a few seconds then go to (guy friend) and (guy friend) and say "I love you guys all three of us should take a picture together." And at (organization) you kept bringing up "holding hands" seemingly every possible opportunity... I wonder why.

Then when that wasn't happening and I was barely paying attention to you I could tell you'd try to get my attention or keep track of where I was by doing things like scratching your face or stretching to look at me. By the way I notice when you do that most, if not all, of the time. Along with when you stare. Again, your actions are just things I don't understand.

Which brings me to another thing I want to discuss further... Your actions from before. You were completely different this weekend and I'm guessing the reason is because you realized the way you acted was non-platonic? Because if it were platonic and I were in your position I'd act the same way and just say to not take it in the wrong way and that I mean it as a friend, I mean, if what you said is true and you're not disgusted by what I told you. But your actions this weekend showed otherwise. I dunno. Then again, there could also be the possibility where you're afraid to act the way you want to around me because I told you about the weird looks and gay comments we'd get and you don't want that. And if that's the case, if you can't act how you want to around me what's the point in being friends?

Maybe I'm just flattering myself but I'm pretty sure you've done and said stuff to me that you'd never even think about doing with or saying to another guy friend like holding my hand, numerous times, at that. Or saying shit like "I wish I could just be in your arms forever" or "sometimes I just want to love you" or the millions of other non-straight romantic things you've said to me. Plus all the other things I've mentioned. And why is that? Because I happen to not be straight so I obviously liked it when you held my hand, or said that stuff, or anything else you did. Pretty sure if you tried to hold (guy friend)'s or (guy friend)'s or (guy friend)'s hand they'd punch you in the face and if you said or did the other things you did to me they'd be creeped out.

And that's another thing I want to delve further into... The picture you paint with your actions. Again, bringing up holding my hand as an example. The first time you did it you asked me and I accepted (at the time I thought I was straight but nah). The rest of the time you did it on your own volition. A couple of times in the car, and there was even another time where you asked me to sit next to you and you held it a few times while we watched a movie. And most of the time it was while we were barely friends... I mean, just that alone... plus saying shit to me like "(my name) what if I was gay and in the closet and came out to you? How would you react?" Do you see what kind of picture that paints? Plus, like I said the constant romantic hugs and the constant "I love you"'s that you gave me, slow dancing with me, the forehead and hand kisses, grinding on me a few times, and even the snaps we'd take together on my phone were kind of strange in the sense that you'd press against my cheek or whatever, and so many other things I could state. Again, there's a reason why so many people would comment on our friendship (or "relationship" as you'd like to call it). Even our hugs would make people give us strange looks or make people say "what the hell?" And I'm sure you can recall all the times people made comments like "what the fuck?" "Are you guys gay?" "How long have you been dating?" even when we would just talk to each other. And from this weekend I've noticed that you did absolutely nothing like that, which makes me think... You realized that the way you acted around me was non-platonic and you don't want to act that way anymore especially with a bi guy that you don't like? Or are you now embarrassed to act the way you want around me because of peoples' reactions and comments? Or what? Because, like I said, the picture you painted was something else. And I know for a fact that you've been questioning my sexuality for a long, long time-- for most of our friendship, if not the entirety of it. So why? I know you're a touchy feely guy in general like I've said before but even for you, you treated me differently, in a special manner, and people would even pick up on that and say that to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you're gay and that you're "denying yourself." I'm just trying to tell you the kind of picture you painted and if you acknowledge it, and I wanted to know why you'd act that way around me. Because it was quite honestly strange. But don't take it the wrong way I loved the way you'd act towards me and I loved our friendship despite all the anxiety it caused me.

And my last bit... You claim you want me in your future. But look at this... Aren't friendships supposed to be fun? This isn't fun. I think I could say that for the both of us. Your confusing-as-all-hell actions before and after me coming out to you haven't been fun for me. And I'm sure my frequent bouts of cold behavior haven't been fun for you. And unless this convo changes things I'm having a hard time seeing how things are going to get better down the line. Let's be real here (his name), if you really don't like me at all and you want me to get over you, not only are you going to be an asshole to me because that's basically the only way it works, but if you don't lose me in the process and I get over you and stick to being friends with you, our friendship that you've said was "beautiful" numerous times will never be the same again. No more "I love you's," or touching, or good long hugs, or teasing, or or however else we would interact. That's all gonna be gone and it's never gonna be the same. And even if that's not the case, it'll never be the same because you're too concerned about your image and you're self-conscious about the comments we get, and if that's the case that's kinda sad. Because, like I said, I think you realized that the way you acted was pretty non-platonic, no? Or that you're embarrassed for whatever reason? Or that you're actually disgusted? So how is this gonna work? Plus, isn't it gonna be annoying to constantly have to worry about hurting me or me taking things the wrong way if you actually don't like me at all? You won't be able to act how you want to around me and it'll be the same for me. That's going to get annoying really fast.

I want to know from your side how you think things are gonna work. Because based off of this weekend I just don't see how :/ and it hurts me a lot to say that... believe me. I have trouble showing my affection to others and in real life throughout our friendship I probably barely displayed this stuff but believe me this hurts. But maybe you're just a lesson in my life and we'll just have to be acquaintances like I said last week until I find a new group or move out. I dunno, maybe if you communicate and tell me what you're thinking honestly we could figure this out.

And for the record I didn't text you last week in hopes of being in a relationship with you. Hell if it wouldn't work with a girl now how
the hell would I manage to secretly make it work with a guy especially one that's in my same group of friends? I would want to continue being friends but much closer, because like I said I love spending time with you, and see how things go from there.

And again... I know you have a hard time opening up. And I know you said you don't like who you are and you have internal issues to deal with. Again not implying that you're gay and you're running away from it, I'm just stating the fact that you have internal issues in general that cause you to not like who you are. With or without my help on those issues (because I care as a friend), that's fine. I don't want to force anything on you. But I've been so open with you and I think I deserve the same from you. And I deserve a decent, non-cold, formal-business-letter-esque response. So please take the time to read this and give me a genuine response so we're able to have a genuine convo, and work things out, or get some closure. Because who knows, maybe I have everything totally wrong, and that's because we kinda suck at communicating, especially you. So please, a genuine, honest response so we can have a convo."


What do you guys think?

 

Can't. Phone is impossible and also weird, and in person is practically impossible.

I modified it. You're right I was way too hostile.

"Hey there's a decent amount of things I want to clear up with you and talk to you about. And I mean actually talk, not get a BS formal business letter where you compliment my personality traits. I'm very open with you so I think you should be the same with me. Sorry if I seem hostile, I'm not trying to be.

When you respond please be honest and open with me.

First off... This weekend had me pretty pissed off from the way you acted towards me. It was all kinda okay until you asked me to come by you, and I did, and you said something like "nothing I just wanted to see if you'd listen to me because I knew you loved me more than you loved (his brother)." Why would you do that if you know that I'm bi and that I like you? That's pretty fucked up in my opinion when you don't like someone back at all. Especially since you don't have to test how much I like you... I said I like you and I meant it so don't do shit like that again please. And why would you even want to test it? I don't understand you.

And when it came to the rest of the weekend, I dunno... It was weird. I felt like you didn't know how to act around me, which is understandable to a degree, I guess. There were times like at (girl friend's house) where you would intentionally not stick around where I was for too long and you'd also say shit like "I love you" to everyone around me or sit by me for a few seconds then go to (guy friend) and (guy friend) and say "I love you guys all three of us should take a picture together." And at (organization) you kept bringing up "holding hands" seemingly every possible opportunity... Why is that?

Then when that wasn't happening and I was barely paying attention to you I could tell you'd try to get my attention or keep track of where I was by doing things like scratching your face or stretching to look at me. By the way I notice when you do that most, if not all, of the time. Along with when you stare. Again, your actions are just things I don't understand. I'm sorry but after everything I'm just not satisfied with a cold, 5-line business-letter-like response :/

Which brings me to another thing I want to discuss further... Your actions from before. You were completely different this weekend and I'm guessing the reason is because you realized the way you acted was non-platonic? I mean, considering the social context. Because if it were platonic and I were in your position, I'd act the same way as I was before and just say to not take it in the wrong way and that I mean it as a friend. I mean, if what you said is true and you're not disgusted by what I told you. But your actions this weekend showed otherwise. I dunno. Then again, there could also be the possibility where you're afraid to act the way you want to around me because I told you about the weird looks and gay comments we'd get and you don't want that. And if that's the case, if you can't act how you want to around me what's the point in being friends?

Maybe I'm just flattering myself but I'm pretty sure you've done and said stuff to me that you'd never even think about doing with or saying to another guy friend like holding my hand, numerous times, at that. Or saying shit like "I wish I could just be in your arms forever" or "sometimes I just want to love you" or the millions of other non-straight romantic things you've said and done to me. Plus all the other things I've mentioned. You were so comfortable doing that stuff with me. And why is that? Because I happen to not be straight so I obviously liked it when you held my hand, or said that stuff, or anything else you did. Pretty sure if you tried to hold (guy friend) or (guy friend) or (guy friend)'a hand they'd punch you in the face and if you said or did the other things you did to me they'd be creeped out lol

And that's another thing I want to delve further into... The picture you paint with your actions. Again, bringing up holding my hand as an example. The first time you did it you asked me and I accepted (at the time I thought I was straight but nah). The rest of the time you did it on your own volition. A couple of times in the car, and there was even another time where you asked me to sit next to you and you held it a few times while we watched a movie. And most of the time it was while we were barely friends... I mean, just that alone... plus saying shit to me like "(my name) what if I was gay and in the closet and came out to you? How would you react?" Do you see what kind of picture that paints? Again, there's a reason why so many people would comment on our friendship (or "relationship" as you'd like to call it). Even our hugs would make people give us strange looks or make people say "what the hell?" And I'm sure you can recall all the times people made comments like "what the fuck?" "Are you guys gay?" "How long have you been dating?" even when we would just talk to each other. And from this weekend I've noticed that you did absolutely nothing like that, which makes me think... You realized that the way you acted around me was non-platonic and you don't want to act that way anymore especially with a bi guy that you don't like? Or are you now embarrassed to act the way you want around me because of peoples' reactions and comments? Or what? I'm not trying to be hostile I just want to know. Because, like I said, the picture you painted was something else. And I know for a fact that you've been questioning my sexuality for a long, long time-- for most of our friendship, if not the entirety of it. So why? I know you're a touchy feely guy in general like I've said before but even for you, you treated me differently, in a special manner, and people would even pick up on that and say that to me. I get it I might be taking everything the wrong way but I'm partially being a little aggressive because had you not acted the way you did, which would be seen by practically anyone as romantic, this convo wouldn't be happening right now. It would be totally different if I was just someone that had a crush on you, you get what I'm saying? If that were the case your response to me last week would be fine I'd just say "ok" and get over it over time.

But don't take this the wrong way I loved our friendship despite all the anxiety it caused me. I just want to know why you'd act this way.

And my last bit... You claim you want me in your future. But aren't friendships supposed to be fun? This isn't fun, man... I think I could say that for the both of us. Your confusing-as-all-hell actions before and after me coming out to you haven't been fun for me. And I'm sure my frequent bouts of cold behavior haven't been fun for you. I'm having a hard time seeing how things are going to get better down the line... as sucky as that is for me to say. Let's be real here (his name), if you really don't like me at all and you want me to get over you, not only are you going to be an asshole to me because that's basically the only way it works, but if I don't get sick of all this in the process and I get over you and stick to being friends with you, our friendship, that you've said was "beautiful" numerous times, will never be the same again. All that we both liked about the friendship is gonna be gone and it's never gonna be the same. It's gonna be regular and pretty boring/cold. So how is this gonna work? Plus, isn't it gonna be annoying to constantly have to worry about hurting me or me taking things the wrong way if you actually don't like me at all? You won't be able to act how you want to around me and it'll be the same for me. What should we do?

I want to know from your side how you think things are gonna work or just your thoughts in general. Because based off of this weekend I just don't see how :/ and it hurts me a lot to say that... believe me. I have trouble showing my affection to others and in real life throughout our friendship I probably barely displayed this stuff but believe me this hurts. But maybe you're just a lesson in my life and we'll just have to be acquaintances like I said last week until I find a new group or move out. But I'd like to talk about this and see what we can do.

And for the record I didn't text you last week in hopes of being in a relationship with you. Hell if it wouldn't work with a girl now how
the hell would I manage to secretly make it work with a guy especially one that's in my same group of friends? I would want to continue being friends but much closer, because like I said I love spending time with you, and see how things go from there.

Please take the time to read this and give me a genuine response so we're able to have a genuine convo, and work things out, or get some closure. Because who knows, maybe I have everything totally wrong, and that's because we kinda suck at communicating. So please, a genuine, honest response so we can have a convo. And I think you should know by now that you can tell me absolutely anything and you can trust me with whatever. I can seem very judgmental at times but I'm really not, especially with you. Like I said you have to trust my words because I mean what I say."

Better? I'll send it in about 10/11 hours from now. Because I'm in school for another 10/11 hours lol

 

Texted him at 1 am yesterday saying "Can we clear things up now before the weekend starts I think we've both had enough time to think about things." He didn't respond until 1 PM, saying "what do you want to talk about?"

I responded around 8 hours later, saying "Honestly, a lot of things. But I get the impression that you don't care much and that you're not willing to honestly communicate for whatever reason, so I don't know if I should even try or care anymore because I'm tired of getting hurt. I also feel like I'm the only one who has things to say and things that I want to clarify. I don't know if you'd give me a genuine response or be willing to be open or admit to things so maybe I should just say nevermind and forget it. Let me know if you actually want to talk and if you care and are willing to be open and give me genuine, sincere responses. Aka no BS like short formal business letters where you compliment my personality traits. If so then yeah I'll have a pretty long discussion with you so maybe the weekend is less awkward and our friendship isn't potentially in permanent deep shit. Otherwise I don't want to discuss and fix things. I'm not gonna make you care and that's completely fine if you don't and also don't feel like you're obligated to respond. If you don't want to you don't have to. This should be a mutual thing. And sorry for seeming overly-hostile and (similar to an ex-friend that would overthink too much). I'm not trying to be."

His response: "You're not and I didn't want to give the impression I don't care. I do so let's talk next time we see each other"

My response: "How are we going to manage that when we don't have cars to meet up?

This situation is something very private and no one can hear it and I don't want people knowing that things are awkward or that we need to sort something out because people will get nosey"

His response: "Idk we'll figure it out maybe I'll come one day or you will when no one else is around"

My response: "sounds good"



I guess we'll see how this goes.

 

Gonna text him tomorrow telling him to meet up this week.


Do you guys have anything else in mind for me to say or bring up to have a successful discussion? Or any tips?

 

I texted him saying that I'm free Tuesday and Friday (all day), and that I'm home alone on those days until 6 PM. I know he's free Friday, too... that's when he'll probably come over. He responded and said "okay cool I'll let you know."

And I decided to read this entire topic from start to finish, my posts only, though. And honestly, as I was reading it and remembering things... his text doesn't make sense. Him not liking me or him being straight doesn't make sense at all. He doesn't act this way with anyone else, let alone another guy. What straight guy holds another guy's hand numerous times AND tries to do it in a sneaky way, knowing full-well that holding hands is viewed as romantic and gay between two men, especially since he'd say things after watching a Vine like "oh get it, they're gay because they're guys and holding hands" and also saying that holding hands is "base one?" What straight guy grinds on another guy many times, or tries to dance with them by holding their hand, or slow dancing with them when there isn't even slow dancing music on? What straight guy constantly stares at another friend?

What straight guy constantly teases another friend? What straight guy kisses their friend on the forehead, and on the hand multiple times? What straight guy has a friend sleep next to them and in the morning admit that they had morning wood? What straight guy constantly follows another friend around, and when they're not following the person they're keeping an eye on them by pretending to scratch or stretch whilst looking at the friend, or staring at them? What straight guy tries to touch another friend in a slick way? What straight guy asks "if you could make out with one guy, who would it be" twice, then ask "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be" twice, and then say "making out with (me), I wonder what that feels like?" What straight guy says "if I could watch one guy getting head it'd be you?" What straight guy says to another friend things such as "your face is beautiful" and "I like your mole I think it's cute?"

What straight guy says things like "I wish I could just be in your arms forever?" What straight guy says things like "Why do we have so much sexual tension?" and then refuse to answer whenever it was brought up the first time? What straight guy flirts with another friend to the point where other people acknowledge it (example, blowing a kiss, I blow it back, he grabs it and rubs it on his face)? What straight guy says "I just like you a lot, okay?" to another friend? What straight guy CONSTANTLY says "I love you/I just love you/I love you so much" to a friend, to the point where it seems like it's about 20% of what comes out of the straight friend's mouth? What straight guy has the urge to grab another friend and hold them? What straight guy offers to have their friend sleep next to them in bed when there's another mattress, or offers to cuddle when the friend is cold? What straight guy asks another friend to always accompany them into the bathroom, even when it's a one-person bathroom, and says stuff like "if you've ever wanted to look at my penis, now's your chance"?

What straight friend looks at the other friend and says "Sometimes I just want to love you"? What straight friend CONSTANTLY hugs another friend for no reason, "I'm hugging you because I like hugging you," "we should set a world record," "this is gonna be a long one, etc.? What straight friend asks the friend "what if I was gay and in the closet and came out to you? How would you react?"

What straight friend acts this way towards a friend when said straight friend has been questioning the friend's sexuality for many months, constantly asking the friend if they're gay?

Why would people constantly give us weird looks, ask "are you guys weird?/are you guys gay?/will you guys make out already?/how long have you guys been dating?", and have people asking him if he's gay for the friend, if it were a purely platonic friendship, and he were straight?

I just don't get it. I don't get his actions. I know that he likes to lie and he's known for not admitting things. But this is just crazy. I don't get it. It's not just that I don't want to believe it, but I just DON'T believe that he doesn't have feelings for me. But if he did, wouldn't he reveal his feelings too? It just doesn't make sense.

And I have stuff to ask him when he comes over, such as why he acted that way and said things like "why do you have a crush on me" at camp, or asking me to come near him and said that he knew I'd listen to him because I love him more than his brother, as well as my purpose of the text, the nature of our friendship and the picture it paints, and what we're going to do about our friendship.

But when I think about our friendship and the way he acted.... it's depressing. Honestly I just don't believe what he says. And the #1 thing I want to make him realize... no way you put it... this wasn't a regular friendship. Which he has acknowledged himself. This is a weird flirtatious "relationship" as he likes to refer to it as.

I don't get what to think or what to say... sigh.