Do I really need a social life?

I'm going to disagree with most of the other posters. While you don't necessarily need a social life for your career, having a circle of friends is one of the six basic nurturing needs: Boundaries, Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual (B-SPIES). A life without friends will, for almost everyone, be very unsatisfying and unfulfilling, and can lead to situational depression and other problems. So I would highly recommend trying to find a small network of friends. You don't need to go to parties or bars, just hang out with each other from time to time.

 

Mogget does have a point. Still, if it's just not like you to have a social life, then why bother? You simply don't have the need for a social life. My parents don't have friends either, and they seem happy with just each other. I don't know how they do it, but if that's who you are, then why bother having friends?

Do what feels right for you. If you feel out of place at that bar, then don't go there.

One thing though, conversing with your co-workers, to a certain extent if you will, wouldn't hurt. Most people look down on people who never talk... How many times have I heard things or said conversations like 'Psh, he/she never talks.'

 

I see where they're coming from when people say that. To most people, socialising in whatever form IS the main 'component' of life and it's second nature.

If you feel too awkward to socialise but feel like you'd like to if you could, then the solution is to 'loosen yourself up'. But if you simply don't want to and genuinely have no interest in other people, then I guess that's cool. It's just an alien concept for most to get their head around, so be prepared for some odd reactions.

I'm not one to jump to a suggestion as easily as this, but your life doesn't seem very fulfilling and very routine. What do you want out of it?

 

Hello,

I know how it feels to be really awkward in social situations. I'm not really the best at making friends. The fact that you're speaking to people on this site and seem a genuinely nice guy shows that you do have some social skills. If you don't wanna speak to people at work then it's completely your choice but you may find that if you get to know some of your colleagues you might have a lot in common. Easier said than done I know. You said you were worried about losing your job if you don't speak to people? I don't think this would happen if you're doing a good job. Are you on a permanent contract or is there a probationary period? I was just wondering if this was the reason you were worried. If you're happy the way you currently are then there's nothing to worry about .

 

And are you happy doing that? Do you feel fulfilled? Your Mood icon says you're feeling lonely, which indicates at least some degree of dissatisfaction with your life.

 

I'm just going to say this as an introvert. Some social life is necessary to keep a person off the "loneliness hole". an introvert can only be selfish for certain amount of time for their own time before their body chemistry demands social interactions.

you can just be friendly with your fellow staff and say hey back. It's kind of civil. You don't have to say more about yourself or continue. Also, you could try going out with them like at friday weekend or something. you don't have to do it frequently...

 

I have had a hundred+ friends I interacted with regularly (don't ask me how, I have no idea how I was able to do that now), I have been a leader in clubs and had very people-centric jobs. I've been to another country where I had to re-create my circles from scratch.
And now I'm a shut in who spends maybe 2 hours talking to anyone else face to face. I do a lot of socializing and talking online, but right now hanging out with other people just does not appeal to me. And I'm ok with that. At first I thought (like many people) that not being social meant something was wrong. I've realized though that I like being alone. I don't have to worry about other people's opinions or being distracted or pushed away from what I want to do. I don't get tired out, so I can be more productive and have more fun going out for long walks, playing games, messing around online.

It sounds like you are introverted. In this country people are expected to be extroverted- eager and happy to be around others, bursting at the seams with energy to go out and do things with others, always needing validation and company. But most introverts are happiest when we are alone and can think and appreciate life in our own way. I think being an introvert is sometimes very difficult for the reasons you've described- people not believing you or taking the hint that you'd like to be alone.

So I think at least, "I just prefer being by myself" is a good thing to practice saying directly. If you are still being pushed, giving some reasons for it might help your case. Ironically enough, in order to get people to leave you alone without being offended, it takes skill in communicating.

I wrote a facebook note last week explaining how I have chosen to isolate myself and this is best for me, and I am not upset or turning anyone's offers to hang out down because I don't like them or am mad. Just saying, "I'm not trying to be rude" is important. It can be tough to bring up in conversation but being able to say, "It's not you, I just enjoy myself and being around others is kind of stressful/draining" is important for letting others know you aren't just quietly suffering and hoping they'll include you in their games. They are just trying to be nice but if you don't communicate they probably won't understand your desire to be alone- the same way you can't understand their desire to be constantly socializing.

 

It does stem from lacking confidence in who you are. I used to avoid it a little out of fear that someone would somehow turn the conversation to something about girls, then the shit gets awkward. So now, if I'm having lunch with a straight friend and he doesn't know I'm gay and he starts talking about girls, I just say.. hey, I'm gay. I don't want to hear that shit lol. (lying about the last part haha) Just start slowly. What I mean is, start with signs that you're friendly and want to be friendly with others. For example, smiling. I think the most awkward time for me is when I'm the new guy somewhere.. if I don't know anyone, I tend to shy away from going alone. When in doubt, smile. You move from smiling to saying small things that can't be disagreed upon. Like, "hey" or "what's up?" In the sports realm, there's already a common interest since we're both playing basketball or have the intent to play basketball. Prime example. He has a basketball, I don't. Keep in mind that I don't know this guy, I stand on the court, let him know my intent without saying anything.. (a smile) and then I say.. "Do you mind if I shoot with you?" (what's up? hey?) Can't be disagreed upon, I guess it could if he's a dick, but it's never happened really lol.. Anyways, of course he says "Sure" There's a common interest here.. Then what happens? Someone he knows comes along, We play together (he/she introduces you) it's like building a house man. One brick at a time, you have to build the foundation first though. You can't expect other people to talk to you because they have the same social anxieties as you do. There's a such thing as not looking very inviting. lol. Frowning, looking just adverse and out of it. They don't know if you're in the mood to talk. If you go out with them and smile, they'll say, ok this guy is cool. Shit, have a few drinks if you need liquid courage but in the grand scheme of things, don't expect to become chairman of the company if no one has had a conversation with you outside of work. It's kind of required. Another thing, social media has really taken the sting out of social awkwardness. Build your friendships online and cap them off by hanging out. It'll be easier for you to gel with someone if you feel like you know them already.

 

I found some resources I think will help you feel more confident about being an introvert:
Questionably Late | My design, but not my list. How to care for...
GDC On Introversion

I know people push the idea that you MUST be extroverted to be happy, and that's why it will be helpful if you can explain that you are happy alone and are not just suffering, lonely, or bored.
If you ever are bored or lonely (which many introverts also regularly become- we are social creatures, even if we socialize in different ways) there are other people out there who would be happy just sitting in the same room reading a book and not talking instead of trying to entertain each other at every moment. You don't need to give up on being around others entirely.

But if you just need to convince others you are ok and they can stop trying to 'fix you' for being quiet or reclusive, please think of some ways to inform them about what makes you happy and what is hard on you socially.
I think a lot of the really stubborn people just want to care for you. They have memories of being awkward and breaking through to the joy of social aptitude and assume you are just shy, feel unhappy like they did, and really want to be with the group. To keep them from hammering away on the way that worked for them you will need to be firm and polite.

Of course, a lot of people won't get it. But if you are pleasant, polite, and direct, I don't think anyone can get you in trouble for declining non-essential interaction. For example if someone approaches thinking you are lonely, try "I'm doing really well over here, thank you for asking. Please excuse me," and return to what you were doing. When arriving and leaving it's good to say, "Hello" and "Take care", even if you say nothing else. If invited to go out, you can say, "No thanks, I'm going to take it easy tonight". Practice smiling warmly, to convince them they don't need to save you and you aren't upset.

It takes energy, but projecting an image of contentedness and private focus that should not be interrupted can prevent being misunderstood by most people and will hopefully get you more space and time to yourself.

 

Yep.