Difficult to define sexuality

I'm not bullshitting. The girl I attempted to hump is the best frend of a guy I knew and partied with. The girl I met in the psych hospital I still have her number in my contacts in my iPhone.

 

Well actually she originally was trying to fix me up with another woman she knew at the hospital as my FWB.

 

@Chip. Can you help redirect this post? What is the merits of my attempts at having sex with women so important than my sexuality struggle?

 

Chip. I was getting a little pissed when Richard kept trying to suggest I'm 100% gay and denying my interest in women. I don't see myself as 100% gay/homosexual because I have had desires for women.

The times I was in the psych hospital weren't connected to my confunsion over my sexuality. I had been having physical/mental health issues related to withdrawing from a benzo(ie. Klonopin) in the Summer of 2016, then I had new meds but I started feeling sucidal so I ended up in the hospital and they switched my meds out. I met that girl that exchanged numbers with me during that time. We had texted each other after that. She befriended another woman there and she was trying to fix me up on some relationship with her. I didn't have sex with either woman let me point out.


And about my psychological issues I'll be happy to explain:

*I suppose I have some underlying emotional trauma from growing up in somewhat in a dysfuncational family through most of my life. My dad has PTSD related to combat exposure from Vietnam War and related to his upbringing by raised by an alcohlolic and abusive father .
*My dad hates my maternal uncles(my mom's brothers) due to a variety of issues that took place before my birth. He calls them drunks, low lifes, womanizers, and all sort of negative things. Though they were times my father and my maternal uncles did interact before my birth at parties and such but I think there was issues growing.
*He dislikes my maternal aunt and accuses her of being a slut/whore/bitch because she's been with numerous men and also her kids(my cousins) have stolen things from my parents I think for drug money or something and done other bad things.
*One of my maternal uncles had put a sign outside his house(my uncle lived near my house when I was a kid) that pointed near my houe that said "Psycho lives there" which was obviously a jab at my dad and my dad cussed out my uncle I believe.
*My dad has somewhat of a conflicting relationship with his own siblings. His siblings and him somewhat distant themselves after the death of my paternal grandfather(the alcoholic and abuser) in 1989 after they all scrambled to claim some piece of my grandfather's estate/money/etc or some other problems
*My paternal aunt married my maternal uncle which is somewhat a little odd. My mom doesn't like her and considers her a bitch because she has caused problems between my dad, my mom, and my relatives. I think the problems started around 1990-1991. She inhraerited my paternal grandparents estate and she is seen as a greedy person. Though my dad(my mom has suspected) that he had communicated with her despite at times, and I think she was relaying gossip about my maternal uncles and aunt to my dad. And she died last April and my dad almost inherited property from her which held their childhood house but my dad turned it down, because he claimed that one of his brother's wife was going to challenge him court over it. So he signed papers to transfer it over to his eldest surviving brother.
*I've dealt with poverty and my dad leaving jobs and starting new jobs. I felt my dad overburnered expectations of achievement due to him not acheving things at my age.
*He regrets leaving the Marine Corps in 1973 and not making it a life career due in part to racial tensions due to Black guys(my dad used the N word to describe black people) that hindered him to renew his contract to stay in the Marines.
*I felt hesistant to invite friends/classmates to my house because of my father's behavior over the years. Though I wasn't a complete lone wolf/loner I did have a few birthday parites in Elementary School and had kids there so it wasn't all bad.
*I suppose when I entered middle school I felt some loneliness/depression because it was this Mexican-Black gangsta culture of wanna-be thungs that I interacted with and I didn't like the social environment.
*Middle school I encountered bullying and the word "faggot" "fag" the first time. I didn't develop any sexual identity in middle school since I wasn't dating or anything like that.
*High School. I moved to suburbs and my high school is more diverse. Though all the baggage from my family life and middle school followed me. I guess the lack of some social skills followed me and the depression as well.
*I did cross country(distance running) and distance track to appease my dad. I thought maybe I would get a scholarship but I didn't. I suppose I felt overpressured and had anxiety and dealing with issues with other teammates that I resented at the time had hindered me
*But I did well academically in high school
*My social life was shit, I didn't party at all because of my conservative parents stance on alcohol/drugs/bullshit and just did homework on the weekends or watched tv or was at athletic events with my team.
*College I had a lot more freedom because I was aware from parents. Though my parents were strugling due to my dad's unemployment and waiting for his VA disability claim for his PTSD.
*I carried all my baggage from middle/high school plus family life with me. I lacked the true social skills to find friends so it caused problems for me. I somewhat mapped out my sexuality when I had somewhat my first young adult crush over a blonde white youngish looking preppy boy that was summer camp roommate named AJ. The first few interactions with AJ it made me feel good emotionally/plationcally/and somewhat sexual. I never had sex with AJ but I was his friend for a brief period.

 

I still don't get why you guys think I'm gay. I don't see myself as gay.

 

I don't feel 100% gay. I don't sleep around have sex with a guy every night or cruise hook up apps or go to gay bars looking for men.

I feel somewhat mostly straight, I live with my parents since I cannot afford to live on my own and unemployed.

I identify myself as a moderate progressive Evangelical(somehwrre in the Christian Left, please google that so people don't confuse me as right wing evangelical), I do try to engage in church services in my college's ministry and have close male friends. Though I've been upfront to a few ppl about my alcohol and drug usage in the past but my past transgressions in brief same Sex encounters has never been spoken to them. Though I mediate/pray to God about the residue same sex feelings I have still towards guys but somewhat desire a female more than a guy somewhat.

My father wants me to have a relationship with a woman. Though I still feel conflicted because of the brief hook ups I had in 2016 when I was masturbated by a few guys.

I'm pushing 30 an I haven't had sex with a woman I feel somewat as a failure in that end.

 

@Chip and everyone else.

I don't see myself as 100% gay or straight. I do see myself as somewhat masculine but curious based on my past experiences I had with guys in college. Though I do have some interest in women based on sexual fantasies and other interests I have of women.

As a Christian and also trying to reconcile my sexuality it's been a challenge. I try to identify as a progressive evangelical but somewhat a moderate in terms of being pro-Life as one example but I do support lgbt and civil rights. It's just the environment I am in my college ministry it's somewhat on the Christian Right(people google that) and my bible study group is somewhat on the Left except for one guy who's on the far right but a good friend.

My sexuality I feel like is something between myself and God more or less. That's why I don't tell people in my ministry about that.

And about my father. He isn't a bible thumping Christian. He rarely attends church. He's not an athetist, rather he watches our house since there is some crime that happens in our area. My mom is somewhat Catholic since youth and tries to attend mass as best she can. She did freak out when I told her I was bi curious in 2015 and I felt embrassed by the whole experience.


I don't attend catholic mass but Protestant evangelical with the Assemblies of God(AG)