dealing with parents and religion

This is good news. Hopefully you'll be able to go and get some support. What are the chances you think your parents will let you go? Do you intend to be completely honest with them or only be partly truthful? (By partly truthful, I mean saying something like, "Hey, look I'm going to this Church here, because I want to talk to the Reverend about being gay, and see what he has to say and compare it to the other one I talked too.")

 

What exactly did they say? Do they even know anything about the MCC, aside from what you've told them?

Basically, I'm wondering if their no was a ban on attending the church, or if it was more just your parents shooting down the idea before even really thinking about it.

I came to learn that, when dealing with my parents at least, that there were two types of "no" that I could encounter. A "hard no" and a "soft no". A hard no was a flat out ban, as in - no way in hell is this going to happen, not even over my dead body - type of no. A soft no was just me being shot down for whatever reason, and that I could turn the no into a yes by being persistent and trying to understand what was blocking me from getting what I want. Sometimes it was a legitimate concern on their part, and other times it was something along the lines of, "I was tired yesterday, and didn't really want to think about it."

The difference between the two matters. If you received a hard no, then you've basically run face first into a brick wall that you aren't going to get past any time soon. If it was a soft no, then you've just encountered an obstacle that you need to find a way around.

In any event, I encourage you to call them on Tuesday. They may have some good advice or support that they can lend you. Simply by getting in touch with them might give you a group of people to lean on in case the shit hits the fan - this way you know you aren't alone.

As for looking for a job, that's a good idea so long as it won't interfere with your school work. You should do it, not because you're afraid of what could happen (though if the shit hits the fan it's useful to have a job), but because of the other benefits it'll bring. First, it'll give you an excuse to get out of the house and away from your family. Second, it'll put some money in your pocket. Third, it'll look good on a future resume as you'll have work experience. Fourth, it'll help increase your self-confidence and sense of independence - it always feels better when you know you can rely on yourself if you had too.

If the shit really does hit the fan, then there may be some other options that become available to you. (Though all of them would no doubt piss your parents off in ways that are difficult to imagine. ...mostly because you'd be drawing a very clear line in the sand about where you stand.)

 

This isn't about you, but I find it kind of funny when Christian parents are bothered by their kid wanting to go to a church that is some other denomination of Christianity. When I was your age, several of my friends (who had Christian parents) were Wiccan. In my opinion, at least in some of the cases, this was mainly because their parents wouldn't like it.

But anyway, definitely call them on Tuesday and see if you can set up an appointment. It's likely that the church will be able to put you in contact with all kinds of support.

 

It is funny.

I have honestly wondered why this is. In general, is this some insecurity about their faith?

 

I think you should definitely take his advice and talk to them again. However, instead of talking to them together, I'd focus on the one who is most likely to be supportive of the idea.

I'd focus on the fact that you went to meet the Reverend they wanted, and that you feel it is only fair that they meet with the Pastor. Bring up the fact that you'd like everyone to go as a family. If things are ruled out, then bring up the fact that you could call them and see if the Pastor will come over and speak to everyone at home.

If you can get one of them to relent, there is a possibility that you might be able to use it as leverage to sway the other.

If all of that fails and you're shot down repeatedly, then you can attempt to refuse to meet or speak to the Reverend they selected again. After all, if they aren't willing to meet with the Pastor you selected, why should you meet with the Reverend they selected? That's pretty much your only bargaining chip. However, playing it in that way could make them angry, and runs the risk of them reacting poorly. So, I would only attempt to play it if you're left with no other options.

 

Well, then I'd encourage your mother at the very least to speak to the Pastor from the MCC, for a balanced perspective on things. After all, what's the worst that can happen if she talks to them? That she disagrees and wants nothing more to do with them?

I suggest speaking to her and getting her opinions and thoughts on the matter. Look for a way to reason with her, and see if there is some way you can at least get her into a meeting with him.

Although, I think the ideal situation would be to attend Church together as a family on Sunday.

 

my parents didn't think you could believe in God and be gay but i do i am very religious. and about the guy just be yourself an I'm sure it will go great. good luck i hope it goes well

 

Well, if she isn't opposed to you going to the Church then I say go for it. Getting a job is a great idea, but you might also be able to carpool with someone from the Church who might pass through your area.

I'd talk to the Pastor about what your mother said, and see if he has any ideas.

What did she say about the possibility of the Pastor coming down to meet with her and your father? Did she veto that idea as well?

 

I'd still talk to the Pastor. I'm pretty sure he might have some ideas that could help you out. So long as your parents aren't intending to actively block you from going, this is a rather minor issue.

 

(*hug*)

Keep us updated on what happens, Josh. (*hug*)

 

Well, I'm pretty sure we can both imagine what they're likely going to want to talk about. The only real thing to worry about is if they've made a "decision" on your behalf. As in, they're planning to try and force you to do something since you aren't doing what they want.

This could range from using punishment to persuade you, "We're taking away X, Y, and Z privileges until you do A, B, and C to make us happy."

Alternatively, it could be something more dire, such as forcing you to go talk to Jack Harren, or into a pray-the-gay-away camp.

How do you handle it? Well, at this point you've made your position to them clear. If they want to insist that being gay is a choice, then I'd constantly point out that their own hand picked guy Jack Harren said that it was not a choice. If they want to insist that it is a sin, then stand your ground firm there.

Since your 16 years old, if they want to send you to a camp or something - you can flat out refuse to go. This will likely cause a huge argument with lots of threats of punishment. But ultimately, they can't really force you to go unless they drug your food to knock you out, or hold you down and tie you up to drag you out the door. If they raise their hand to try and physically harm you, then you have leverage to call the police.

In the end, there really isn't a lot they can do to you without your consent. The worst case scenario is that they'd throw you out on the street, but even if they did something like that since you're a minor you can get in touch with child protective services and let them know that your parents have abandoned you. However, based on your parents actions so far this doesn't seem to be a reasonable outcome. I think the worst case outcome is that they want you to go to straight camp, and if you refuse - there isn't a lot they can do even if you continue to refuse after they use coercion.

As for the MCC, you should keep calling, and see if you can get the Pastor's personal e-mail address or cell number.

 

Well, it's been a few days. How did things go? What happened?

I always get a bit worried when things like this go down, and then people go dark. :icon_sad: