Corrupt A Wish

Granted however you paid someone to do these tasks putting you out of pocket.
I wish for the next person to meet the person they desire

 

Granted, but the person ends up hating me, and I forever blame you for making that wish. ;_;

I wish I could breathe underwater.

 

granted but you cant live on land!
I wish i didnt make mistakes on online forums!

 

So much ninja-ing was happening.

Granted, but considering online is where the term "grammar nazi" came from, you are ridiculed for having the audacity to post without mistakes.

I wish for more coffee.

 

Granted, but it remains at a constant high temperature that makes it undrinkable.

I wish that apples were unaffected by gravity so that Newton never discovered it.

 

Granted! Instead, you discover gravity the hard way, in the course of being struck by a meteorite.

I wish the human population would suddenly shrink by 90%.

 

Granted, but that 90% would die of a terrible plague, a painful death nobody half decent would want to wish upon anyone.

I wish that I would become a published illustrator.

 

Granted. But you only publish illustrations of Justin Bieber as a demonic clown, giving insufferable nightmares to millions around the globe.

I wish all humans would shrink to 10% of their current size and weight: Thus, if you're 150 pounds, you'll be 15 pounds, saving many valuable resources.

 

Granted, but some humans found a cure for the shrinkage and decided to commit mass genocide because they view the shrunken humans as inferior.

I wish that the Internet was accidentally deleted.

 

Granted, but as insanity slowly takes over the universe, a sacred cult starts worshipping the legendary "Charlie bit my finger" baby and then offer you as a sacrifice to their overlord

I wish me and my Gengar could go around town pranking everyone.

 

Granted. All your pranks backfire hilariously and are posted on YouTube, making you an international figure of ridicule.

I wish that gay people could have babies just like straight people. So much for you "unnatural" defence!

 

Granted. But all the babies grow up to be terribly bratty, evil and mean; biting, kicking, yelling, pulling hair and throwing painful objects at everyone they encounter.

I wish everyone dressed up in skin-tight outfits, as their favorite super-heroes/heroines and super-villains. Or as pretty, sparkly ponies and unicorns.

 

Granted. However, all the skin-tight outfits are peppermint flavored, particularly attractive to equines. All the oufits are eaten, and all the pretty, sparkly ponies and unicorn end up tummy problems yakking up all the undigested outfits, thus creating an ecological disaster, threatening life as we know it.

I wish that it would never enter mind that a fourth martini would be a good idea.

 

Granted. You skip right from the third to the fifth.

I wish the weather would warm up here.

 

Granted. The Earth is hurtled straight toward the sun and we all burn.

I wish I had the nerve to tell a few people to go jump in a fucking lake.

 

Granted! Though the lake is among the warmest and most beautiful on earth, as clear as a crystal lagoon, and they have never been happier, as they swim and splash about with glee.

I wish Maryland had snow-plows.

 

Granted. You have snow-plows, but they dig up your lawns, knock over mail boxes, salt the grass and gardens that border the road so nothing ever grows again, bury cars up to the door handles, and...wait a minute...that's reality...not a corrupted wish...let's start over...you have snow-plows, but the plow will only lower itself to 12 inches above the pavement thus leaving everyone still snowbound.

I wish "Where the Bears Are" was on regular TV.

 

Granted, but it gains incredible popularity in a Duck Dynasty-esque fashion, having the most unlikely of merchandise and taking over the country in what is dubbed the Bear Season. A large group of people crack after years and kill all bears, driving them extinct and damaging the eco-system.
(That was rather dark)

I wish that I could speak multiple languages fluently.

 

Granted. You can speak multiple languages fluently, but they're all "dead" languages, and there is no one with whom to converse.

I wish my dogs could talk to me, and that I would understand what they were saying.

 

Granted. Now they never shut up.

I wish I could read peoples' minds whenever I wanted to.