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Being hit on at the bear bar

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by spartafc, May 14, 2018 at 9:32 PM.

  1. spartafc

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    So I went to a local bear bar last night for karaoke. Sadly, there wasn't much in the way of seating, so I sat in the back along the wall until a table opened up. (At this point, I should say that I'm very much as introvert and this was fine. I was there to sing!) So I sat and drank my pint and was on my phone when this older guy (8 years older) came by on his way to the restroom and patted me on the shoulder and said, "handsome man!" -- I was flattered, as you can imagine. He came back home and asked what I was going to sing, then invited me to sit with him and his husband. I figured, why not, and joined them.

    Well, the dude was very touchy feely and was totally love-bombing me, paying me compliments, rubbing my leg, etc -- clearly, he and his husband are not strict monogamists (which is fine) -- and he kept talking about how we should get together and jam (he showed me pictures of his guitars), and that we could all get naked afterwards. I was like, um, yeah, that could be fun -- and in my mind I'm like, I don't even know you! And then asking if I'd been to the gay resort about a couple of hours north, and that we could all go together -- and I'm like, um, no.

    Which of course didn't stop me from kissing him back after the second beer kicked in, especially after he was laying it on so thick, "I mean, they must have taken you out back and hit you with the handsome stick! They left you for dead!"

    But when they left, I was so relieved. It was fun to have that much attention paid to me, but it made me uncomfortable -- he wasn't my type, he wasn't a good kisser (I mean, I'm all for tongue, but good lord), and I really prefer to be approached less directly. And I'm not interested in being someone's boy toy, especially not at my age, haha.

    I guess I'm a little irritated with myself for not extricating myself from the situation at the first signs of feeling uncomfortable. It definitely felt more creepy today than it did last night.
     
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  2. SevnButton

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    It's a lot easier to look back on a situation like that and think about what you should have done, than to actually do the right thing at the right time. Yeah, I get it, it would be nice to receive the attention, but something about this guy's approach seems really disrespectful. It doesn't sound like he was making any effort to tune into you. He knew the lines. Any connection with him would have been temporary and pure physical.
     
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  3. DRobs

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    Reminds me of an almost / somewhat 3 way, I had...
    Both were from Ireland. Alcohol was involved. One was drop dead gorgeous, the other not so much.
    They picked me up at the local gay bar and we went back to their hotel. I think we fooled around a little bit but I became uncomfortable and got out of there pretty quick. Just too weird being attracted to one and not the other.

    You only live life once. Use protection and enjoy it. Not everything needs to lead to the perfect monogamous gay relationship.
     
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  4. Biguy45

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    I’ve never been to a gay bar, and likely never will. That is probably a good thing because I have no impulse control. If the same thing would have happened to me I would have went for it, then felt bad about it the next day. Of course, I have no idea if any men would find me attractive, so it’s entirely possible I would just sit there alone. I just know I can’t turn down sex, so I avoid situations where I would have to
     
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  5. Tightrope

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    I read the whole story. About the bear part, it would depend on me on how bear like. Husky and hairy works fine, but to the point that they wouldn't be called a bear, but just husky and hairy. If more clone like than that, I wouldn't be interested.

    This sort of thing has happened to me a few times. You run into someone, not necessarily in a bar, and they want to get you in on a threesome with their significant other. It's just not something I'm into. Especially within 10 minutes of talking.
     
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  6. smurf

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    If this is your first time being hit on like this then its only natural. Most people don't know what they like or not like until they go through it. Now you know that you don't like this type of scenario.

    If you are ever in this type of thing again couple of things:
    • At any point you can say "You guys are really sweet, but I think I'll pass for tonight. Have a good night!" and walk away. There won't be any harm done. They don't want to make you uncomfortable anymore than you want to be uncomfortable so win-win all around.
    • If you want to hang out with them but without so much flirting feel free to let them know!
    Other than that, enjoy for what it was and don't beat yourself over it :slight_smile:
     
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  7. Biguy45

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    I’m so unaware that someone could be hitting on me and I wouldn’t notice. I can’t specifically remember anyone ever hitting on me, though it probably has happened. I must admit, the more I think about it, the more jealous I become
     
  8. SevnButton

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    Well-said, @smurf! It's actually courteous to give a clear "No, thanks" and let people move on to their next subject.
    One more thing : listen to your instincts.
     
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  9. DRobs

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    I usually catch it a hours to days later...

    I was drinking at the Officer's Club the night that the US Supreme Court legalized Gay Marriage. I was arguing the ruling with another civilian that it was the right thing to do and that the Supreme Court has been trending towards more freedom vs less freedom.

    Anyways there were 4 or 5 of us sitting at a table outside drinking. I didn't realize it till hours later that there was a Cute Buff Army Boy Officer rubbing his leg under my leg while I was having this heated discussion.

    Slapped my forehead and asked myself - how did you miss that?
     
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  10. Biguy45

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    Yes that would be irritating. It would be easier if people would just grab my crotch. I might figure it out then.
     
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  11. OGS

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    It sounds to me like you're a bit of tease, Sparta! There are much worse things one can be in this world. But I think Smurf's comments are spot on. In my experience there's nothing wrong with being hit on and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. I've been hit on by a lot of guys in my time--and numbers being what they are most of them I did not want to sleep with. Mercifully, quite a few of them I did as well. I've never felt threatened or insulted--I've felt everything from flattered to mildly irritated and never encountered a situation where a polite (albeit occasionally firm) "no thank you" wasn't enough to bring the situation around to something more pleasant
     
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  12. Biguy45

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    I once had a woman lick my bald head in a bar. In hindsight that may have been a clue, but I did nothing about it
     
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  13. brainwashed

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    Guess I've got to go to more gay bars! It all sounds hilarious.
     
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  14. SevnButton

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    Yeah, me too -- hour to days, or longer! Once I was at the nude beach when a guy asked if he could leave his stuff by me while he went jogging. He came back, we had a pleasant conversation, and he invited me over to his place where he had some food waiting. He persisted, but gently. It was probably months later when I realized I was getting hit on.
     
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  15. Biguy45

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    I used to hang out with a guy who always wanted to watch porn alone together. At the time I thought I was straight. It seemed weird, but I couldn’t catch on. I later found out he was bi. I think I missed out on a fun time
     
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  16. SevnButton

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    So, back to @spartafc ''s post that started this thread, sometimes the hit you're getting doesn't feel ok. There's even a very small possibility that the person doing the hit is not safe. With a little practice maybe, it's not so difficult and TOTALLY appropriate to respectfully say, "Thanks for the attention, but I'm not interested" and walk away. But hey! Maybe it does feel OK and you can go with it.

    As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I'm reassuring myself. It's OK to talk with people while setting boundaries that feel right. One of those boundaries for me is to not lead someone on dishonestly.

    Yeah, it's nice to be noticed. Once while walking across a parking lot, a woman said, "Nice ass!". I turned around smiling and said "Thank you", then continued on my way. That still makes me smile!
     
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  17. spartafc

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    Yeah, I'm seriously not used to that kind of scenario -- I'd been to another gay bar locally for karaoke, but with friends, and it seemed much less like a meat market than the bear bar. But yeah, I was talking to my therapist about it yesterday and she said that it's good to have a stock polite reply like the ones you mentioned, @smurf. :slight_smile:
     
  18. spartafc

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    Yes, exactly -- I don't have a lot of practice in setting boundaries, at least not in this type of scenario.
     
  19. spartafc

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    I've had a number of situations over the years where I only realized much later that I was being hit on; I was totally oblivious to it. At least a couple of the times, though, the person making the pass seemed a lot more certain of which team I played for than I did at the time.
     
  20. Biguy45

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    I assume the porn guy I mentioned thought he knew but he must not have been sure because he didn’t make a move. Even though I thought I was straight at the time, I’m sure I would have went for it
     
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