Being Gay is Awful

It must be really tough what you’re going through, I really feel for you!

If I may, I would like to ask you a seemingly simple and odd question (and to please bear with me as it will illustrate an important point):

Would you rather get a $5 discount, or avoid a $5 surcharge?

If, like most people you answered avoiding the $5 surcharge (when in fact there is no real difference in price) it is because we are hardwired to avoid losses. From Wikipedia: “In economics and decision theory, loss aversion refers to people's tendency to strongly prefer avoiding losses to acquiring gains. Some studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains.”

Now to my point: you stated that you were distressed by having to choose between a straight and gay lifestyle. In your area, what does that mean exactly? I’m asking because when we make rational decisions it is important to be very accurate about what it is we will lose, and what it is we will gain (if you think about it, all decisions involve rejecting one thing and choosing another).

More to the point: what exactly are you afraid of losing, and what, exactly can you gain by choosing to come out to others?

Will you lose your friends, those with whom you have so much in common, if you come out to them? Do you really believe that you will suddenly have to change your current behaviour and affiliations if you live an openly gay life?

What are the possible gains if you choose to come out? Does the word “possible” frighten you because it is uncertain and unknown?

I have lived the straight lie (that’s L.I.E.) for over 30 years. Believe me, that sucks; I could not accept being gay and I refused to accept it (you know you are gay, so you’re already ahead of the game); I cannot get those years back. I don’t have much in common with the gay “type”, whatever that means, and I don’t think I will have that much to do with the gay community, for the foreseeable future.

But I do know that I expect one day soon to find a guy friend who will be willing to be more than a friend, so I need to set aside my fear and discomfort to come out to those who need to know and to get out there, into the gay community, to see its reality, to see that it represents a far larger cross-section of humanity than your notions of what being gay means.

We fear loss more than possible gain; it’s that fear that paralyzes us. Despair is a choice like any other, instead: why not choose to live with the possibilities, however uncertain?! I know, it’s a bit of a “damn the torpedoes” attitude, but if I’ve learned anything during my time on this planet, it is that once a decision is made (which is simply to choose to accept what is already there), life has a funny way of working things out.

 

From what I've been able to tell:

Bisexuals have a huge stigma wrt infidelity. Picking both can mean picking no one and being single. Bisexual women also don't have a sexuality that's respected. I really really hate that I can't get lesbian porn where the ladies are more interested in each other than the camera, and bisexual women have this problem turned up to 11. Bisexual men get all the social stigma associated with being gay, on top of being viewed as cheaters.

Straight. I lived as a straight male for years. And it caused all sorts of misery when I couldn't go on making everyone but me happy and acting like I wasn't really female when I close my eyes at night. Sure there's a lot of awesome in life and it sucks walking away from that. But straight often means closeted. And even when it doesn't, it means confined. You walk the walk and think what you're told, living up to everyone's expectations, or you catch hell. It means coloring inside the lines your whole life. And it's just as likely you'll be lonely or end up in a bad relationship anyway.

And I don't even want to imagine the kind of hell people without a sexuality go through trying to keep any kind of long term relationship based on companionship and romance alone going.

So yeah, being gay sucks in its own special way. Even after I transition, if fluid sexuality doesn't kick in (and I'm pretty sure it won't in my case) I'm never going to be able to be "normal". My relationships are going to be either not real or for show in people's eyes. My options are so so limited if I want to go after romance at all anyway. I've got gay women, that are comfortable knowing I used to be a guy, and out of them I've got to find one I click with and can feel close to because I'm the type that needs a relationship. And I better work about 100 times as hard as other people while I can still pass as a guy to build up a reputation at my job, because I am really really going to need it.

But I don't play who has it worse. Everyone's got their problems. And they turn to us to be there for them when they finally decide to do something about those problems. Because we had other people to turn to.

And that said I hear you about needing to complain about the BS (*hug*)

 

mostly as a reaction to homophobia tbh. if the homophobes can only be effective in hurting gay people [emotionally] if we allow ourselves to think that being gay is bad or that being straight is better. to see being queer as being superior then allows their words to have less of an effect & that helps me deal w/ homophobia

 

Being gay, as with anything else, is what you make of it. There are literally billions of straight people who make a complete and utter hash of it. And huge numbers of gay people who are having a fine time, thank you very much

With that in mind, let's take a look at your situation, shall we?

It's a life, not a lifestyle and says who? More specifically, what do you mean by a 'straight lifestyle' or a 'gay lifestyle'? All kidding aside, I'm seriously asking here, because I'm trying to get a better idea of what you're experiencing and what you think you would (or should) experience.

Regardless, there is no reason, other than how you choose to approach it, that you can't create whatever sort of life, with whatever sort of elements in it that you like, that you choose. To address your examples below...

Re parties and bars, maybe go to a gay party or a gay bar with the goal of picking up guys. The former seems likely to require having gay friends who will invite you to said parties, but that is doable (more on that in a bit). If you are aiming to pick up guys, use common sense, don't do anything stupid, and always practice safe sex. Always.

Re being in a fraternity: While being out and Greek was almost unthinkable when I was in college, my understanding is that these days it's not only fairly common, but that the Greek system as a whole has been deliberately working to be inclusive of LGBT people. There is at least one 'gay fraternity' that I know of and several major houses have openly gay members (for details: Google is your friend). I recently read an article by a gay guy who rushed just to see if he could get in. When he did he turned down the invite. A bunch of guys from the chapter showed up and asked him why he'd declined the offer. He said, "I'm gay". Their response: "Ok, but why did you turn down the offer?" He ended up joining the frat and living in the house and everyone was fine with it.

While I obviously don't know the specifics of your situation, are you sure that coming out to your fraternity brothers is not an option (if it isn't an option is there another fraternity that you could potentially join that would be more accepting)? Are you sure you can't come out to your friends? Not trying to push you to do something you aren't ready for if you're not. But are there specific reasons why you couldn't?

If you can come out to your friends, whether or not you talk about your sex life is up to you, but if you have to listen to them brag, it seems only fair...

Hmm. Several things here:

a) What do you mean by 'typical'? What do you mean by 'out and proud'? What do you mean by 'culture'? Have you ever actually had any direct exposure to gay people or gay culture and if so, how much?

b) Gay people are as diverse as straight people and there are quite a few who are probably into the same things you are. So far you've only mentioned bars, parties, and picking up someone for sex. In that, gays and straights are pretty much the same except for the gender of the people they want sex with.

Assuming you mean more than that and just grabbing a cross-section of common 'straight' or 'masculine' interests (which is what I'm guessing you mean here)...

Lots of places have gay sports teams (flag football and rugby are the most common, but you can also find softball, basketball, ice hockey, and running if you look around). Many of these same guys are probably into screaming at their TV during the super bowl or world series or whatever your preferred weekend afternoon killer is.

Gaming - From what I've seen in comments on EC, a lot of gay guys are just as into the various first person shooters and other video games as their straight counterparts. RPGs also seem to be popular.

Hunting/fishing/the great outdoors - I know that at least one of the guys who's already responded to you likes to hunt and ride horses. Don't know what he thinks about fishing. The number of guys who like to do this is probably smaller than some other sports stuff simply because a smaller percentage of the total population is into these things, but I'm sure they're out there. You may just need to do some online research or inquire at the local LGBT community center if there is one.

Etc.

It needn't suck and you don't need to be in pain. But you are the one who is going to have to make the change you want to live. For example: if your family wouldn't care that you are gay, perhaps you should consider coming out to them?

If nothing else it would make it easier to talk about what you did last weekend or who you are seeing or why you want to bring a guy home with you for break (if and when that happens).

Bottom line dude: I'm not going to tell you to just 'accept it' if you're not happy with your life. But the only one who can change your situation is you. There are lots of people here (myself included) who would be happy to talk to you about this and whatever else you would like to talk about and whatever changes you would like to make.

We're ready, willing, and able to help you. Are you?

Todd

 

At least your not asexual . Stop whining and go out and meet some hot guys.

 

I agree with you. It sucks! I also don't identify with many lesbian women except one and we aren't very close. I just said to my gf tonight if being gay is so great, we wouldn't need pride parades, we would just have pride. She doesn't have any issues, lucky her but I do. It sucks.

 

Being gay is what you make of it. If you keep telling yourself it's terrible and awful, then it will be. For YOU. But there are plenty of us out there who are gay and living wonderful, fulfilling lives. I don't live a gay "lifestyle," I just live my life. I have the same friends I had before I came out (plus a few more), engage in the same activities as I did before, dress the same, act the same - the only thing that has changed is that I now have a girlfriend. That, and I am a hell of a lot happier.

 

Usually whenever I have my doubts, I just remember that I never have to worry about unplanned pregnancy. Ba dum tss.

In all seriousness though... girls. Manohman. I would LIKE to be straight, like, yeah, that would be really really awesome especially with the family I was born into (read: homophobic) but GIRLS. Come onnnn. THEYRE SO PRETTY and I can't

nope

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. For the most part, I don't think culture of any sorts is like a black and white thing. For me personally, even though I'm not out, it is weird to be out with my friends and pretend that I think about guys the same way they do, and that I understand when they talk about protection and all that other stuff that comes with straight territory. It's weird to avoid relationship questions from friends and I hate having to furiously deny something that feels so natural. But I guess it's sort of like what they teach in personal finance classes... opportunity cost. Ultimately, I know if I follow my heart I'll end up happy. So what I have to go through in the mean time isn't nearly as daunting with that thought in mind. And I'm thankful to even have that option, because at least in this day and age people are a lot more accepting than they were when my parents were in high school.

And I kind of disagree that bisexuals have it easy. From what I hear, they get flak from both sides. When your own sexuality is concrete gay or concrete straight, for some people it's hard to imagine that there's an in between. Some people don't even believe in bisexuality.

The best thing I could say to you is just be confident in your future. Look for a solution that goes deeper than just "straight or gay" and especially one that is healthier than alcohol. Sometimes working through it with a counselor or therapist helps. Maybe you're in the wrong area, or you just haven't found the right group of people yet.

 

My goodness. There's so much pain here. It's wonderful to be queer, and I can understand that oppression sucks, but there are wonderful parts to it. Not least of it being that precisely because we're oppressed, we have to develop a strength that a lot of other folks who are more privileged don't have to.

 

how is being gay superior?

 

Firstly, being gay is not something that define you. It`s your sexuality, but it doesn`t have to be your identity. Some like to live and breathe their sexuality, which is great as long as that makes them happy. Some people wear their sexuality as a badge of pride, which also is great, as long as that is something that makes them happy. It does not mean everyone has to, but it`s great for those who want to. But my point is, your sexuality only define you as much as you choose. I am not a lesbian at work. I am not a lesbian when I am home with my family. I am a co-worker, and an older sister. Those roles define me in those arenas. When I am with friends, I am a friend, a woman, a person. I am not "the lesbian". We have a lot of roles and separate parts of our identity. For some the boundaries are unclear. They might feel like their a mother at their work-place, taking care of everyone, or a sister for their friends.

You are a person; multi-layered and dynamic. If you choose to define every aspect of your personality after your sexuality, and allow that definition to limit you, then no wonder you are going to end up feeling that being gay is limiting. But when it comes down to it, unlike PTSD or amputation, it is a choice! Being gay is not a choice, any more than being a lesbian is a choice for me. But whether we accept it, work with it, allow it to define us and limit us, that IS a choice. I don`t, which you might have guessed. I am also one of those people who carry it with a badge of pride. Depression was limiting. Co-dependency was limiting. My sexuality? It`s only an issue in the bed-room, or with my GF. It doesn`t decide what kind of friend I am, or what kind of activities I can enjoy, or even who I am as a person. It only decided who I choose to live my life with, or who I choose to have in my bed.

And this whole life-style illusion. Truth is, a lot of us live perfectly well with everyone else leading a completely A4 lifestyle, regardless of whether we like men or women. I don`t live a lesbian lifestyle, even though some do. I don`t live a straight lifestyle either, because sometimes I do go out with my fellow LGBT friends. My lifestyle is just my lifestyle, I do whatever suits me, I am not limited by anything, because I choose not to be.

Why does them talking about their sex-life hurt you? Do you want to be able to sleep with girls? And why? Not asking to provoke you, but I genuinely think those are important questions. What makes their sexual encounters with women any better than your sexual encounters with men? What is it about what they have, that you so much want? Because when it comes down to it, we are not talking about gold or jewelry, we are talking about love and sex, which pretty much has the same value regardless of who it is done with.
And why can`t you be happy going out with them when they want to pick up girls? I have a straight sister, who I have accompanied out on town several times. Sure, we are looking for different things, but if she finds someone, I`ll be happy. If I find someone, she`ll be happy. Then, the next evening, I go to an all lesbian party. And that`s fine as well, I can be equally happy in both scenarios. Maybe when I go out with my straight sister, it`s not like I`ll most likely meet a lesbian, but I can enjoy the music, my sister`s company and good talks. When she goes out to a lesbian bar with me, she can enjoy the same.

I have nothing in common with most of the smaller lesbian communities either, so I stay out of them. I don`t need that, I have my friends, my family, and new friends I make through my GF who knows a lot more mixed group people. It doesn`t mean my sexuality is somehow terrible, just because I don`t fit in with some random lesbians who party in a corner in some pub. Why is it so important to you, that you don`t fit in with your local gay community? It`s not like it has to affect you in any way, you can have other friends, meet gay guys in other places, or other arenas/communities.

Being gay is not a condition or a lifestyle. We choose our own lifestyle and how to spend our lives, and our attitude. With a negative attitude, everything will be bad. With a positive one, we might be able to look at the bright points in our lives, instead of all the dark corners. You decide how your life is going to be, and what kind of people should be in it. Not some unspoken "this is how gay and lesbian live" rules.

If my post seems a bit harsh, forgive me. I do not at all mean to undermine your emotions, I get that sometimes these things can be very difficult. But I guess your comparison of it with PTSD and amputation struck a sore spot in me. Having struggled with mental illness for almost 2 years, it`s tough to read someone comparing sexuality with it. Thing is, you can be depressed because you are gay, but gayness itself is not a condition or an illness. The closest symptom would be our feelings towards it, and you do seem to struggle a lot with it. I am really sorry you hate this part of yourself so much, but it really is just a small part of you. It sounds to me like you feel it is defining everything you are, which is only good if it does so in a positive way. In a negative way like this, you really are putting yourself through hell. And hey, don`t get me wrong, I put myself through hell for years, for other reasons, so I know it`s not something we can just snap out of. But it does start with a choice. We have to want to be happy, and choose to make changes to achieve it. Then we can start the uphill climb. And it can be a long climb. But whether we are gay, was abused, got bullied, was born deaf, or whatever it is that is causing our struggle, it`s not set in stone (being gay is, feeling bad about it isn`t) and we can achieve happiness regardless of how far down in the dark corners we have crawled to.

(*hug*) I really hope something I wrote made sense, and that I wasn`t too sharp or anything.

 

Made sense to me! Great post.

As for the bi utopia concept mentioned earlier - I find that being bi is more challenging than being a lesbian. Once I became involved with a man, I had to give up things that mattered to me when I identified as a lesbian.

 

Thanks!

Not to mention that other LGBT people often degrade Bisexuality to something "less", and often lesbians will be pretty discriminatory when it comes to daring bisexuals, saying things like they can`t be trusted, and that they for some reason will auto-jump to a man as soon as they have the chance. Which is why I am not open at all about my ability to have romantic fantasies about men. It would never happen in reality, and most of the time it`s about some character in a movie, as I have tried dating guys and didn`t like having sex with them. Still, for some reason, just letting a lesbian know this often tends to make a frown on their face. So this whole "Bisexuals have it so easy" myth is lame as hell. And I am not even really bisexual, and still I have noticed it. Bi-romantic possibly, but not bisexual. So I support bisexuals on this page when people throw out stuff like bisexuals have it the easiest, because it`s not true. Every letter in the LGBT has hardship, as well as their own issues and struggles.

 

hey I just want to say that if you hate being gay... blame it on straight people... cause until the last 10 years or so... 99% of children born gay were born to 2 straight people during an act of straight sex... wait... okay... umm... respect the straight people it took 2 of them to make one of you.... anyway...

at least you know your gay... try being in my shoes where the only time you get horny is when someone who can't rape you... treats you like the person you dream to be... yeah... come on... bring it... wish I could be gay... I hate being confused...

 

Exactly! I have to deal with homophobia from heterosexuals and biphobia from homosexuals.

The belief that bisexuality/pansexuality/polysexuality/etc is easier comes from the belief that we can easily access straight privilege. That isn't necessarily true. That only happens if we look, act, talk, and so on a certain way and we don't have a same sex partner. If any of the above is not true then we don't get heterosexual privilege and heterosexuals treat us the same way they treat homosexuals.

Also, a lot of people would refuse to date me because I "can't make up my mind" or they'll assume I'll be unfaithful or insert ridiculous stereotype here. I just don't like it when people say bisexuality/pansexuality/etc. is automatically easier. It just isn't true.

Anyway, back on topic, I agree that you should make some gay friends. Being gay doesn't mean that you have to have a certain type of life