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Being gay after psychoanalysis

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by fromME, Jan 27, 2020.

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  1. fromME

    fromME
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    I am 32 years old, I started to go to psychoanalysis in November last year and 17 days ago he said I had violently repressed my homosexual feelings and wants. I could say he was lying, but unfortunately he was not. He brought my unconsious to conscious and I fantasized passive sex with men and enjoyed it very much.
    Then I got non-stop sensations around my anus. They have been there for 17 days. It is like thirst for a dick.
    I noticed when I fantasize passive sex with men I get horny for women. Also after I ejaculate, I dont want passive sex.
    I am not homophob, I know gay people whom I respect and trust. But I dont want to be gay.
    Please, dont lynch me, I am very depressed that I am gay. I have always been into women sexually and romantically. I loved a girl for more than 10 years. I am so confused, how is it possible that I am gay. I am in a big denial now. But as I release repressed gayness I become more gay.
    What I would like to know, if it is possible to stop my sexuality altogether with medicine? As I become asexual after ejaculation, can I have medicine which will stop my sexual wants and attractions? Both to men and women?
    You will call me insane, but please understand me, I cant be happy being gay. Sex with men will be traumatic for me and can even lead to suicide.
     
    #1 fromME, Jan 27, 2020
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  2. Oliverrrrr

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    Relax Kittykat, just because you have homoerotic fantasies and desires doesnt neccessarily mean that you're gay. It might not even make you bisexual either.

    It might just be that you have homoerotic desires but no romantic attraction for men at all, in which case, more straight than gay.

    It will though take a bit of time and a bunch of open exploratuon of yourself to come to a more full understanding. Do you play with dildos? That might be a way to work some of it out a bit more.

    Welcome to EC btw!
     
    #2 Oliverrrrr, Jan 27, 2020
  3. Unsure77

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    If you’re still attracted to women, it’s possible you’re not gay. You may be bisexual or pansexual or none of these.

    Also, (I’m probably going to mangle this) but, for what it’s worth, if you read up on the “Cass model”, it’s normal to go through stages similar to grief when you first realize you’re not heterosexual. There’s like a denial phase, bargaining phase, anger phase before eventual acceptance. And you can sort of move back and forth between the phases. So, what you’re feeling is completely normal and expected if you are, in fact, lgbt.
     
    #3 Unsure77, Jan 27, 2020
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  4. fromME

    fromME
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    I am becoming gay. I feel the impulses. I have always been unaware of it, because the repression happens automatically.
    Is it really impossible to shut down or at least decrease my sexual wants with medicine?
     
    #4 fromME, Jan 27, 2020
  5. Unsure77

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    Even if you are gay, while there’s not really anything you can do to change it, it’s yours to do with what you will. You are in control of who you have sex with and when and if. If you don’t want to have sex with men, nobody is going to make you do that (short of you being a victim of assault, which isn’t probable). It would be something you eventually do or don’t decide to do if and when you and a partner decide you want to. You decide when or if anyone else knows you’re gay. You’re in charge right now of how you proceed. IF that’s the case. Not sure if that makes you feel any better or not.

    It seems like @Chip and some of those guys are good at talking guys through figuring it out for sure, for sure.
     
    #5 Unsure77, Jan 27, 2020
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  6. Chip

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    There is no medication or treatment for being gay, first, because it's been tried for decades by the religious crazies, and secondly, because there's nothing wrong with being gay; it's a normal part of human condition for a sigificant portion of the population.

    What you're feeling after ejaculation isn't asexuality; it's a normal drop in hormone levels that makes you feel less interested in sex. And no, no reputable professional is going to prescribe something that's going to suppress sex drive because you don't want to be gay.

    This may seem overwhelming at the moment, but it is something you will come to terms with over time. There are stages of loss we go through when we realize we aren't straight -- denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. They aren't always sequential and one can move back and forth between them. The key is, you're coming to terms with this, so you'll feel anger and grief and resist the idea, all of which is normal. It's also normal, if you are gay, for whatever feelings you had toward women to start to diminish -- many here have written about that during their own journeys.

    So the best thing you can do is to sit with it, continue to talk with your therapist, and work through the feelings. As difficult as that seems now, it's the best path to take.
     
    #6 Chip, Jan 27, 2020
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  7. fromME

    fromME
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    Thank you for your answers.

    So after ejaculation do you lose interest in passive sex as well? If you do, does it mean if I decrease my hormones with medicine, I will lose interest in passive sex?
     
    #7 fromME, Jan 27, 2020
  8. Horus

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    Be patient with yourself. You have the right to love and be loved. So many people live in silence and isolation their numbers are legions. Religious bigots sow their seeds of hate far and wide. You are better than all the Hitler's Anita Bryant's and Vice Presidents like Pence and the evil he serves. You are a beautiful flower seeking your place in the sun. Let us here be your refuge and strength, your comfort and rest. Let me give you a hug and my love. Horus
     
    #8 Horus, Jan 27, 2020
  9. fromME

    fromME
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    Thank you, Horus. If I can make myself asexual, if I can decrease my sex urges, why not do it? I can accept my gayness, but dont want to act out on it.
    So I want to know if urge for passive sex diminishes after ejaculation?
     
    #9 fromME, Jan 28, 2020
  10. Oliverrrrr

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    If I'm in my own, usually, yes. If I'm with someone else.....nope, plenty more fun to be had!

    But really, you don't want to be thinking of medical solutions to this, it's gonna lead you round in circles. Better to work on the real issue.

    Just for interest, why don't you want to act on these urges? Religeon? Upbringing? Social environment? What is in your psyche that kicks so hard that you think it would harm you?
     
    #10 Oliverrrrr, Jan 28, 2020
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  11. fromME

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    Upbringing, social environment, my beliefs, it will be very traumatic for me. It is already traumatic. Acting on it will be devastating.

    I read prostate medicine diminishes sex drive. I hope it diminishes homosexual sex drive as well.
    After I ejaculate I dont even want to kiss a girl. I hope it is same in homosexuality. I hope diminished sex drive means you dont want to be with a boy or a girl.
     
    #11 fromME, Jan 28, 2020
  12. Chip

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    Look, I don't know how to make this any clearer.

    Providing medication to decrease your sex drive is not something any ethical medical professional is going to do. It isn't healthy, it doesn't help you solve the underlying issue, it has long-term health risks, and is simply a terrible idea.

    What you need is to get into therapy to explore the feelings you have and get help so that you don't feel miserable. There isn't anything wrong with you, and you aren't going to fix it with medication. It is your perception that is the problem, and therapy will help with that.
     
    #12 Chip, Jan 28, 2020
  13. Oliverrrrr

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    There's ways to get around ethics though, like going to a place where money is king but anyone agreeing to such a thing is likely to have already lost whatever medical license the might have had. So why would you trust them?

    Regardless, what you are suggesting with seeking a medical approach is a bit like saying you can't be bother with eating so are going to have a gastric tube inserted and will inject nourishment instead.
    It might theoretically be possible, but it's pretty far fetched and no one is going to help with the plan and you could be caused lasting damage.

    It sounds to me like you are trying to research every last option, sadly the news is that you're already out of options with this. There is a 3 way choice though, do nothing, do something that will in some way cause you physical harm, or take some therapy. I don't recommended the former as it gets you nowhere, the 2nd is clearly not sensible. So.....therapy then?
     
    #13 Oliverrrrr, Jan 28, 2020
  14. fromME

    fromME
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    I am in psychoanalysis. I dont know if I will be able to accept it.
    What is waiting for me? I am 32 and have always been into girls. Will men replace women? Is it possible? But why I was always into girls if I was gay?
     
    #14 fromME, Jan 28, 2020
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  15. Unsure77

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    Sometimes people convince themselves they were into the opposite gender because they’re not ready to accept that they’re gay. In those cases, you see how much stronger and more real your attraction to your gender is (if that’s what you had going on). There’s a good number of people here who experienced that.

    As far as what’s next, that’s up to you. You should work with your therapist to try and figure that out. Figure out what’s going to make you happy in the long run. But changing your sexuality isn’t a realistic option.

    All of this said, are you sure you’re even gay? There’s a whole lot of gray area between gay (where you strictly like men) and heterosexual (where you strictly like women). Just because you find men sexually attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay. You could also be bisexual or pansexual.

    Would it be worth exploring where on that scale you are between gay and straight? I know when I was first figuring it out, it was suggested I kind of note when I’m out and about (and wasn’t suppressing or fighting it) who I noticed more (men or women). I know Chip has suggestions for dudes about masturbation to help guys figure it out.

    I dunno. I’m not an expert but it seems like you’re jumping to an extreme conclusion that you’re straight up gay.
     
    #15 Unsure77, Jan 28, 2020
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  16. fromME

    fromME
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    I read reports of gays here, who said they were once only into girls and never attracted to boys, but after certain age boys eclipsed girls. So they became gays, not bisexual. I am afraid that is what happening to me.
     
    #16 fromME, Jan 28, 2020
  17. Unsure77

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    Is that what you are experiencing or is it what you’re afraid of experiencing? There are also both men and women here who are attracted to multiple genders. Those stories are here too.
     
    #17 Unsure77, Jan 28, 2020
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  18. Chip

    Chip
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    For clarity's sake, they didn't become gay. They were always gay in the first place. Especially when one lives in an environment (family, political, societal, or all of the above) where being gay isn't well accepted, it is quite possible to initially suppress the attraction, to the point that one is completely unwaare of it... until something happens and s/he begins to become aware. At that point, it's as though that part of self wakes up, and when it does, very often what happens is that (in the case of a guy who is actually gay, not bisexual) the feelings for men become stronger and stronger, while the feelings for women start to fade away. (Many have written about this here on EC.) And the interesting thing is... yes, these folks can be completely, blissfully unaware that they are gay until something happens that opens them up to those feelings.

    But whether it is something one has known since early childhood, or something one remains in blissful ignorance of until their teens or early 20s or later... it isn't that a change has occurred. It's only that awareness of who one is has changed. The identity itself was always there. And the interesting part is... most of these folks, when they've fully accepted themselves, can look back and go "Ohhhh... how did I miss that... talking about one or more childhood experiences that should have been tip-offs.

    So no one but you can know for sure, but most likely, you'll eventually fully accept yourself for who you are. And from what you've said, it's quite possible that you may, as many others have experienced, find yourself with less and less attraction to women and more and more toward men. The thing to keep in mind here is... there's nothing wrong with that. You are who you are, and you can't change it.

    And as for the medication... just... no. The reason you can't ethically get it is because it is a terrible idea. It may seem sensible now, but it really ls a beyond awful idea that you should not even consider, and not a solution you'd be happy with.
     
    #18 Chip, Jan 28, 2020
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  19. fromME

    fromME
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    It is really unfair. I contemplate suicide. Is here anybody who has never acted on gay urges? Is it difficult? I really dont want to live such a life.
     
    #19 fromME, Jan 28, 2020
  20. Unsure77

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    If you’re feeling suicidal, it seems like you should probably reach out to your therapist and let them know that as soon as possible so they can help you.
     
    #20 Unsure77, Jan 29, 2020
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