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Being bored in relationships

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by IronGospel, Sep 5, 2019.

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  1. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    It's a problem that I have had in the past. When I start one, after a few weeks I have had enough and grow bored with them. It boggles me how people can stay married for years when I can't really put up with a guy for more than that. I grow bored and want to get out. My parents have been married for over 28 years, I don't get it. I really just don't get it.
     
    #1 IronGospel, Sep 5, 2019
  2. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Well it could be many different things. Something as simple as not having met the right one yet, or not being ready to settle down. Or perhaps there is something deeper, fear of getting hurt or commitment or something.
     
    #2 silverhalo, Sep 6, 2019
  3. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    I think it's just losing interest really. I get bored with people and I tend not to pursue them further.
     
    #3 IronGospel, Sep 6, 2019
  4. Ailena2493

    Ailena2493
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    I have hard time keeping relationships too , mainly out of the honeymoon phase ending . Hopefully it’s different for me this time with my new gf . I’d hate to break up a few months in to the relationship due to boredom
     
    #4 Ailena2493, Sep 8, 2019
  5. sublimeprincess

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    Okay, you start with saying it's a problem, so I guess this is something you'd like to fix? You notice that you grow bored and want to move onto someone/something else.

    People can only put into a relationship with what they have in themselves, so if you're looking for excitement and interest, you need to figure out what does that for you. If you're a serial monogamist that racks up a guy/month, maybe you should start just dating and waiting before jumping into the next relationship. There's a lot of variable to these things, so a good way to understand yourself and have more fulfilling, long-lasting relationships is to focus on you first. If you don't care about having a long-lasting relationship, then this isn't actually a problem; it's just an observation. Tons of people are okay with keeping it casual, so if that's the case, just do you, boo.
     
    #5 sublimeprincess, Sep 9, 2019
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  6. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    Except I'm not really interested in keeping it casual, I want something more but I end getting bored with people long before anything can become of it.
     
    #6 IronGospel, Sep 10, 2019
  7. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Can you explain more about how you feel. Do you stop enjoying spending time with the person. Do you just not find them interesting enough. Do you miss the freedom?
     
    #7 silverhalo, Sep 11, 2019
  8. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    I find it just gets dull because being with the same person for a while makes me grow bored with them and not really bond. That and I just get this antsy and chained feeling inside of me when I'm with someone else. To me a relationship is more like a chain or a bind than something to want, yet for some reason I want it all the same.
     
    #8 IronGospel, Sep 11, 2019
  9. sublimeprincess

    sublimeprincess
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    Aww that's hard. Maybe do some reflection. Why is it that you want it? What are you yearning?

    Ask yourself those tough questions and try to really understand yourself.
     
    #9 sublimeprincess, Sep 11, 2019
  10. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    I have problems with the "self" because the recent data from psychology and neuroscience suggests that we don't have one, that what we take to be a self is really just a trick of the brain.

    That being said I guess it's companionship and love, which is weird. I tend to live vicariously through fictional love stories that are gay. Yet when I get into a relationship I notice that I don't feel the same way other people too. So I want something, in this case love and companionship, but when I'm in it I don't want it. It feels like a burden.
     
    #10 IronGospel, Sep 11, 2019
  11. sublimeprincess

    sublimeprincess
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    There's a whole bunch of research on the "self" in psychology and none of it is entirely conclusive. Recently, it's been said that a lot of correlated data isn't truly scientific and scientists are trying to get rid of the p-value to have fewer confounding variables. Soooo I wouldn't get too caught up on those data. I think it's more productive to understand who you are by being mindful of your values and goals and such.

    See:

    Sounds like you idealize love and companionship. People don't tend to love each other the way it's portrayed in movies. I also think there's a bit of pressure that comes with wanting a deep love like what you crave. Typically, it doesn't happen instantly. I wish you the best of luck.
     
    #11 sublimeprincess, Sep 12, 2019
  12. sublimeprincess

    sublimeprincess
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    I know this may seem a little farfetched but have you thought about just getting a dog? Do you like animals?
     
    #12 sublimeprincess, Sep 13, 2019
  13. silverhalo

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    Have you had bad experiences or representations of relationships in the past?
     
    #13 silverhalo, Sep 13, 2019
  14. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    No, not at all.
     
    #14 IronGospel, Sep 13, 2019
  15. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    IT's not a matter of science but obvious observation, Buddhist monks knew about it long ago and psychology and neuroscience can back it up. That the "Self" is just an illusion we construct and is dependent on our surroundings. That what we take for a permanent essence is really just a bunch of different parts, not a unified whole. I have no values and no goals either.

    I think you might be right about love in the movies since that's all I have really known. But the other part is questions about love, like is it real or fake. By that I mean do we love the person or just the abstract concepts they display, do we love them or do we project happiness onto them based on the time we spend with them. By doing so we think we miss them but it's really the times we had with them.
     
    #15 IronGospel, Sep 13, 2019
  16. silverhalo

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    It's interesting isn't it. That its something you want but then when you think you find it, you almost feel like it isn't what you thought it would be.
     
    #16 silverhalo, Sep 16, 2019
  17. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    That sounds about right. Granted all the images I had placed into me by the media about relationships didn't match the reality.
     
    #17 IronGospel, Sep 16, 2019
  18. silverhalo

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    So do you think your mind had perhaps put the relationship at an unattainable level?
     
    #18 silverhalo, Sep 16, 2019
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    I get why it feels like a burden. There's an emptiness you seem to be describing, which I know and understand well, and which I've seen a lot of people make meaningful progress at resolving.

    Here's the challenge:

    The story I'm making up is that you basically, in different ways, keep going around in circles. You insist psychology has nothing for you, you reject any suggestions to use the resources and tools that help millions of people because you know better than all of the professionals in the field about what works.

    And at the same time, you post things saying "Things aren't working for me. I want things to be different."

    Guess what? Boredom with relationships? This, as with everything else you describe, according to both decades of clinical experience among tens of thousands of clinicans as well as multiple areas of research by multiple scholars, resolves back to vulnerability, which resolves back to shame.

    But since you've previously insisted that you have no shame, unlike everyone else on the planet except for people on the autism spectrum and people with antisocial persionality disorder... and psychology is of no value since you (erroneously) believe that psychology says there's no self... there isn't much to do here. And Buddhism, as you've previously described, doesn't seem to work for you, yet you continually reference it in rejecting the things that might help you.

    So I would gently suggest... either it's time to revisit your firmly held beliefs, which don't seem to be working for you, or keep going in circles.
     
    #19 Chip, Sep 16, 2019
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  20. IronGospel

    IronGospel
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    It’s not shame though it’s more like a feeling of being chained or caged. Being in one feels like a trap but when I leave it’s all I want, only to get back in an just want out. It’s got nothing to do with vulnerability but more like my sense of freedom. It boggles me how other people do it for years when I can’t stand it after a week or two.
     
    #20 IronGospel, Sep 16, 2019
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