Apps & married guys

I can not think of a single time where I met with someone whom was married in a straight relationship. I had always stayed away from "discreet" guys or "married" guys. I guess this parallels my own life while in the closet where I remained committed to my ex during our marriage without engaging physically outside the marriage.

 

I understand. For me, there were two different versions off me in the past. The thirty year old who recognized the SSA and didn't need to do anything about it. Just get on to the next thing. I miss that guy. The more recent past me I feel sorry for and sometimes it is hard to let go of those years where my SSA were consuming and I hid in the closet with them.

I can be around young guys exploring or guys my age who are out. But, guys my age and married are too much of a reminder and it takes too much energy to share their angst. And I like knowing the guys I am with.

 

There's a lot of problems with taking the moral high ground on the cheating issue, I would even say it is unhelpful. The process of recognising and acknowledging and finally accepting your own sexuality is different for each of us. As is the process of coming out to family and friends and colleagues and eventually everyone else. It is also tied up with very complex psychological processes and can also cause serious mental health issues. Of course it requires a large degree of cognitive dissonance to cheat on your wife with guys and having once been one of those kinds of married guys, I know what it feels like to have to compartmentalise my life to deal with the knowledge of not being true to myself and my values.

But SiennaFire's comments refer to his sense of dissatisfaction with the nature of the relationships and not so much the moral aspects. And I agree with him and can also identify with the feeling of now wanting to live authentically.
So for a casual one-off, I think it's the married guy's responsibility, but for anything more than that, it's also my responsibility.

 

I lived as 18 years as one of those "closeted married guys". Man, I feel for them, but as I am quickly moving toward being 100% out, I want to live my life like I should have been the entire time-as a proud, out gay man. I want to meet and date men who are free to fall in love and move toward the possibility of ltr.

 

Hey Siennafire

I was re-reading this thread as it is so relevant to me right now. Maybe this is heading off topic...But, you mentioned backing away from the BF idea and heading more towards a FWB situation. You also mentioned needing more time to decompress.

I am involved in a sort of three way deal. Two friends (both gay) and never in heterosexual relationships. They are actually friends with each other. One just got out of a long gay partnership. The other is just out to himself. Both are not the least bit interested in a love affair with anybody right now. Both want more than a one night stand or just a sexual relationship.

It seems maybe this need is pretty common. There does seem to be a middle ground where these "friendships" can flourish without the formality of the LTR model. I see this as a good thing at least for both these guys...and me.

 

Sorry if this post is a bit late (for the thread).

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Buddha

Please don't take this the wrong way but somehow (judging by our interactions on this forum) I could see you wasting time and energy playing the enabler (by accident) to one closeted married guy after another, while they have no intentions on changing anything in their lives. You have every right (and then some) to avoid that mess.

It sound like you're having a problem switching from "helping others to help myself" to "living as I need to." I'm making a hack job of what I mean but maybe that change is harder than you expected? (or it's a change you didn't expect?)

PC

 

As someone still in closet, I think I am quite 'behind' a lot of people here in this life-journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. To me, it seems like that path is similar to any other pursuit in life, like academic career, martial arts or whatever. There are certain unavoidable milestones on the way, like coming out to yourself, to others, living an authentic life, helping others to achive the same, etc...
If you are a black belt you can certainly interact with a white or yellow belt, but it will not be on the same grounds as when there is a match on the same level that you already have achieved. It all depends on what type of relationship you are seeking at the moment.

 

Here is another thought while your thinking about what you want in a partner, think about if you actually need a partner. Add that to the mix of considerations. Not everyone needs one nor is suited for one.

 

I have!!!!

You are a magnet for married guys. I am a magnet for long time closeted never married gay guys. Which is great really! I think they see safety with me while we each explore our new worlds.

One thing I am learning is that there is so much personal growth that can result in just meeting and developing casual, yet somehow very real, relationships with guys you meet through the app venue.

Siennafire. If there is anyone who will successfully navigate these new waters, it will be you!

 

As I frequently find myself at airports, shopping in retail outlets, and going out to eat, I always find plenty of guys to chat with. Now, I clearly can not do much more than chat given I am off the market, but I do find the possibilities and temptations to be quite significant! No apps needed......

 

Siennafire

Have you been able to build a network of gay friends? Because I was not able to ah...complete the deal when I first started trying to meet gay guys, I have a number of platonic gay friends now who have friends...

I still play around on the apps because it is, well, stimulating to think of the possibilities. But, now I am already seeing that the contacts I have made will be a better way to meet compatible men. On the apps, I continue to refine and narrow my profile also. Now, I sort of like not getting the responses since so many were not what I wanted anyway.

 

I guess I'm one of the married heterosexual guys(God I hate labels). But I'm out to my wife and all of you as Bisexual. I couldn't be with another person if my wife didn't approve; but having said that I don't think I would have a problem with some man that was cheating on his wife....esp if he was experimenting and trying to figure himself out.We have all been there. I know its wrong but being with same sex doesn't feel as much like cheating as being with opposite.I think that's because my wife fills those needs and when I need a little gay in my life(I love this turn of phrase someone on EC used it) I know she can't help me.I think or hope as a Bisexual married that you could still be open to a relationship with me....there are all types of unions nowadays.Cheers

 

Hankster

My wife doesn't consider my gay time as outside of our monogamous relationship. She sees it exactly as you do. Had I "cheated" before coming out, she would have seen it as a violation of her safety (STD's) but not as a violation of our vows.

It depends on the married guy really. What I don't like is the fear of discovery of my relationship. "Don't text me", "Don't call", "Don't say hi on the street". If it is a one night stand (which I am not into BTW) I suppose it doesn't matter. But, someone I am intimate with I need to be able to see in broad daylight.

We don't need to have matching tee-shirts with arrows pointing to each other. "I slept with him". But, there does need to be some level of acceptance of our time together as something that he is not ashamed of.