Apps & married guys

I'm assuming you mean heterosexually married guys; there's a lot of SSM guys on there too. I mostly won't get involved with the former (I'm not interested in being in the closet again myself), but I sometimes get involved with the latter, depending on circumstances.

 

Siennafire

Great timing for this thread for me. I AM the married guy. But, I am out to my wife and not afraid to get "caught" by anyone else.

It turns out, even though I am one, I am not interested in these guys for intimacy. The hiding, the guilt, the lack of available time is just not worth it. My intimate friends (and potential intimate friends) are either guys out to their wives, as I am, or they are partnered or single gay men. In either case, when I see one of them on the street I will at least hug and sometimes kiss them. And, I am fine with my straight friends seeing me hang out with them.

Funny thing is that it is almost a moot point. Married guys just don't respond to my profile part of which reads "not out not hiding". I think that scares them away! Plus, I will not be intimate (except for once with my now good friend) on the first encounter.

That said, I have one friend, I met on an app, who I do spend time with who is struggling to come out to his wife. No more intimacy until he does this!

 

I've been thinking about this topic lately. I'm just a few months away from divorce and being in my own place. I'll be looking to begin dating then. For me, I think it might depend upon what I'm looking for. If it's just a hookup, it may not really matter if the guy is married, closeted, etc.

If I'm looking for a real relationship, though, and I know that the married guy (regardless of whether he is out to his wife or not) isn't really available for something more than hookup or FWB, then what's the point? I don't really want to fall for a guy who is unavailable, so why even begin there?

Lots to think about as I move closer to my goal.

 

Chiroptera

I couldn't cheat on my wife, so I didn't. But, my friend's situation is unique as, I am sure, many other married men's are. So, I will not pass that sort of judgement on anyone. When I was young, I, too, saw things so black and white. At my age, I am learning there are gray areas. But, it doesn't mean I want to be part of the drama.

 

Exactly!

 

Chiroptera

Here is an example..

Married 25 years
No sex for years
Disabled adult sibling that requires care in house
Wife suffers from MS and depression

Would you come out to that wife and live an authentic gay life or would you maybe get a little love on the side? There are all forms and types of family situations that may require some "cheating" as you say for a guy (or woman) to exercise a basic human need for sexuality.

If the guy is just afraid and putting his wife at risk of disease maybe that's different. That's the guy I would have been and cheating was wrong for ME.

 

If you're not satisfied with the quality of certain type of interactions (from e.g. heterosexually married guys), then you can just adjust your profile accordingly. =] I mean, you're not really looking forward to get in contact with heterosexually married guys, so it would both help you and the other person (potentially) if you include a "no thanks to heterosexually married guys".

Although not really relevant for you, SiennaFire, I share Chiroptera's views as well. It's not up to me why you would even consider married guys in the first place - you are free to do so - but I think it's better to include something in your profile(s) if you no longer wish to make use of these kind of contacts.

Cheers,

Quem

 

So, I have a few comments.

First, I can relate to your search for a FWB. I think that might be what I should be looking for right now too. While I want somebody in general, things are still just way too fresh (and ongoing) with the breakup from my ex "wife" and so getting into something serious just isn't the right call. Maybe something that is dating but casual? I do have my roommates as FWBs sexually, but honestly I'm finding times where I'd love to just have somebody to cuddle with and watch some TV with, and they're not ever going to fulfill that desire (they're a couple, it's different). I think you're making the right call with what you're looking for.

Second, in regards to guys who are in straight relationships, I've been on both sides of that coin. In my first relationship, my girlfriend knew I was sleeping with guys. We were open in that regard. I came across a few guys who were married and doing this behind their significant other's back, one I particularly remember well. It didn't feel like a big deal at the time to me (maybe because it didn't get that far) but I remember him being the first guy I wanted to become friends with outside of the bedroom, like actual friends. I probably had a crush on him and didn't realize, but that's another story. Anyway, we couldn't be friends, because he thought his wife would find it weird if this new guy friend was coming around. I felt like that was almost unfair in a way, because I could have brought him around my girlfriend and not only have had it be fine, but she would have even known that we were hooking up. I liked the honesty that we had. That's ultimately not what stopped me from seeing him (my breakup did...I deleted the email account we kept in contact through, because I thought my girlfriend would see me giving up hookups as a sign of change, even if in hindsight she said it never bothered her).

But then when I got into my most recent relationship, I became the one sleeping with guys without her permission. There was one guy who had a boyfriend while we were hooking up, which interestingly enough did bother me a little (not enough to stop seeing him, but I just didn't get it...you have a man, and guys are supposed to be more open about sex, or something...I don't know, I definitely just felt like it was weird and more like cheating. Probably says something about my thought process. Maybe because it was like well I do this because my girl doesn't have the parts I desire, and your significant other does so...) I hooked up with another guy who also had a girlfriend, and she didn't know either, and that didn't bother me as much.

The point that I'm at now, where I'm not looking for JUST sexual hookups, I wouldn't at all consider meeting with a guy in a non-open relationship. I'd consider a guy in an open relationship, be it with a man or woman, or a guy that is poly (actually talking to a poly guy now) but not somebody who isn't being open. Part of that too is I'm trying to be more open. My dating site profile clearly states my relationship with my roommates and makes clear that I'm not looking to give it up anytime soon. I'm sure it scares some guys away, but it's better to be honest now versus getting to like somebody and then just continuing to sleep with my friends behind somebody's back.

Sorry to hear about you and your BF, Sienna.

 

I think I'm more concerned about the idea of dating someone who is closeted. That would likely, of course, include heterosexually married guys. Now that I'm out, it's hard to imagine myself wanting to have any part of being with a closeted guy.

BTW, I am one of those heterosexually married guys who didn't cheat.

 

Hey Sienna

Sorry to hear about your BF. I agree with you and others that hiding in the closet with someone feels like a step backwards.

 

It feels like some people draw a distinction between a man cheating on his wife with another woman Vs a man cheating on his wife with another man.
Somehow suggesting that same-sex-attracted-closeted-cheating is somehow more acceptable than other forms of cheating.
I personally feel like they are both equally deceiving.

I agree with most of what Chiroptera has said.

 

Siennafire

Interesting you used the word "grieving" when you describe how you feel about the old you. Do you sometimes miss that? Or, is the grief not for you but for that old you.

I feel a little of both, I suppose, for what I was before. And, this does make me strangely uncomfortable around other married men who are not out to their wives. Yet, I should happily be a confidant.