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Any Gay guys used to be attracted to women?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tim9788, Jul 25, 2020.

  1. Tim9788

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    Hi all,

    I'm beginning to think I might be gay (I'll explain why below) but I'm very confused as in my past I was solely attracted to girls. From as young as 7 I remember being infatuated with girls. I would fantasise about them all the time and had tonnes of crushes where all I wanted was to be with them. I loved girls. I remember always thinking "how the hell are girls attracted to boys. There is literally nothing attractive about us". I was introduced to porn at 11 years old and became obsessed with it. I couldn't believe how exhilarating naked women could be. For 4 years after being introduced to porn I watched all sorts of porn and never even took notice of the males on the odd occasion I wasn't watching porn with just women in it. I used to watch tv and play games and fall in love with the women characters. Everything in my life was about girls.

    It wasn't until 15 when I started to question myself because when I was a kid on a few occasions I mucked around with one of my friends naked and we both had erections. Id never thought about it in the past because my fantasies etc never even had the slightest urge to think about that. I forced myself to watch a heap of gay porn and eventually I found it arousing. I was terrified but the taboo really turned me on. Since then my interest in straight porn waned severely as did my interest in girls. I did however still fall in 'love' with female characters and stuff but when I thought of them sexually I got anxious. I did get a girlfriend when 17 though and remember the first few months of holding her hand and touching her leg etc was unbelievably exhilarating but when it comes to porn my interest in straight porn has just been replaced with nothing. I was with my girlfriend for 5 years and we had sex many times and I enjoyed it but it wasn't as exciting as gay porn. Gay porn felt better physically to do stuff too however sex with my girlfriend felt more romantic and I desired her body more (I think). I have tried to do stuff with men in real life but don't find them attractive. Only in porn. I know that if I can enjoy the porn and want to do the stuff with the men in porn when aroused that I could probably do it in real life but whenever I see men in real life it feels very different. Surely the interest in porn means I'm gay (which I'm okay with. I just want to know for sure)

    Did anyone else have this sort of experience and how did you navigate it to come out the other side. Any help would be absolutely amazing to help me figure out my sexuality.

    Thankyou all
     
  2. xenu

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    You are probably not gay, porn is designed to be erotic as possible. I would let who you attracted to IRL weigh more heavily.
     
  3. Tim9788

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    Thankyou for your reply

    My concern is that although I enjoyed sex with my ex girlfriend, it was not as arousing as gay porn. Neither is straight porn. That's what has me thinking I'm gay.
     
  4. justinf

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    Porn generally isn’t a reliable indicator of sexual orientation. It can help get a better picture for some people, but in your case it sounds like it’s only causing more confusion and it isn’t a very productive means in figuring things out.

    I would actually suggest you quit watching porn altogether for a while and try to use your own imagination instead. Fantasize about guys and then fantasize about girls when you masturbate, and see which of the two (or perhaps both) feels best. It can take a few weeks for your body to sort of “wean off” the easy arousal porn provides, but I think once you’re more used to relying on your own fantasies, you’ll get a better picture of what does and doesn’t turn you on.

    Also keep in mind that real life experiences can feel different, especially if you’re used to watching porn, because of unrealistic expectations, (unconscious) doubts and insecurities, and a bunch of other things. Of course if there is no attraction and no arousal with guys whatsoever, then I would say with a high degree of certainty that you are not gay (or bi, for that matter). From what you’ve said, I can’t really tell if that is the case.

    So my first suggestion would be to stop watching porn, get used to depending on your own fantasies, and then take it from there.
     
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  5. Mirko

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    Hi there! Justinf hit the nail on its head. Porn isn't a reliable indicator of your attractions or your sexual orientation.

    I would suggest that you try to take note of your attractions to others when you see them, meet them. Have you ever thought about a guy for a time after you have met him thinking he is cute, attractive?

    When you masturbate, do you fantasise about girls and/or guys?
     
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  6. Chip

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    I'm also with Justin. Porn is horribly unreliable as an indicator of sexual orientation for the reasons discussed. I would not go so far as to say you aren't (or probably aren't) gay, because we don't have enough information to indicate that.

    But I'm in agreement with both Justin and Mirko's thoughts. Giving up porn entirely is going to be your best bet. It will probably be pretty miserable for a couple of weeks, because your body and mind are attuned to the arousal from porn. But if you instead rely on fantasy, after a couple of weeks, your brain will reset itself and you'll have a much better idea of what's going on.

    Also, giving consideration to how you respond to fantasies you create in your head is a much more accurate indicator of your orientation and arousal than watching porn, so that should give you a pretty good indication.
     
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  7. Tim9788

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    Hi all,

    Thankyou so much for your replies. The thing that confuses me most is that fantasies about men can arouse me for unknown reasons but one reason I know is the taboo element. The confusing part is that when I see men in real life I couldn't for the life of me imagine doing something sexual with them. I have seen plenty of naked men and it doesn't do anything for me unless I'm in a sexual mood already and thinking about masturbating. But a naked male or males on the street at this point don't appeal to me. The annoying part is that ever since I started questioning this stuff I have become completely numb to women and even feel anxious when fantasising about them. I don't think I could actually get off to these fantasies given how they make me feel and don't try because it causes me anxiety. Any more help would be really appreciated. Maybe I'm just repressing sexual desire for men in real life. They can arouse me in fantasies when its the idea of the sex but not when I'm faced with a real life male. They are completely unappealing in that situation.

    Thank you all
     
  8. Chip

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    So... is this in the realm of something that consumes your thoughts and creates anxiety for you on a daily basis, or is it more in the realm of something that you think about from time to time and just creates curiosity? The answer may tell us a lot more about what might be going on.
     
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  9. Tim9788

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    Hi Chip,

    It is something that consumes me at the moment and that I feel I must find an answer to. When I get aroused by fantasies or gay porn I feel slightly better because I sort of have an answer but then I see men in real life and have absolutely no interest and can never see myself having a romantic interest in a guy so I get anxious again and confused. Last year for whatever reason I did not have the anxiety at all and happily used gay porn (fairly infrequently) and didn't care what it meant. I still had the occasional urge to have sex with my girlfriend and never found a real life man attractive. Since my breakup I feel the pressure is on to figure out what I am which is why I wish it was simple and that I don't have all this conflicting evidence

    Thanks again
     
  10. GayAzanian

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    No. Never liked girls ever. On any level or platform.
     
  11. Chip

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    So, Tim, what I'm hearing is that the fantasies of men are arousing, but real-life men are not, and that women are substantially less arousing if they are arousing at all.

    My guess (and it is only that) is that your conscious mind is resisting the acceptance of attraction toward men, while the unconscious is clearly aroused by it. Not an uncommon problem, especially with people in the early stages of self-acceptance. Unfortunately I don't have any brilliant ideas for solving the problem. The best I can suggest is simply "trying on" the idea of being gay in your mind... for the next week, just think in your own mind that you've accepted the idea that you're gay, and go out in the world with that perception. I don't mean suddenly go and hook up with a guy, but just in your mind imagine that this is who you are. It's a trick that one of our previous advisors used all the time that seemed to work well. Often that gives you a much clearer perspective.
     
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  12. darklostxx

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    dear tim, I am in tears right now. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. It’s been a year, and nothing has been resolved. I came to a point where i begun hurting myself. Suicidal thoughts come and go every single day. My story is very similar or exactly the same as yours, it gave me comfort knowing i wasn’t alone. I started crying. For me, I started dealing with this issue with stoicism and buddhism and it helped me for a couple months but I am starting to feel anxious again therefore i write to you my friend. I told myself that these are the cards i’ve been dealt with and i should accept the present. My years of adolescence are gone where all i wanted is women and all i masturbated to and enjoyed was straight porn. It’s been rough, the only way to deal with my intense anxiety was porn and masturbating. Gay porn is the only outlet that still gives me a high after straight to trans to cross dressers to fem boys to full blown gay porn. That shift begun when I was 17. I’m 21 now, After a year of 24/7 intense questioning and analysis. I settled with myself and told myself everyday that I was gay and that I am in denial or latent homosexuality with an extreme cost of anxiety. I told myself that I should stop looking at women because it’s a fake attraction and find my homosexuality. But this shit is confusing because outside of gay porn I have no fantasy or thoughts of being with a man. Never in my life I thought about being with a man or even attracted to them. I literally can’t achieve being attracted to men and especially can’t seem to get arousal like i used to have looking at women. Sometimes i can see an attractive man in a movie or in real life, but it’s not in any way sexual or even me wanting to be with them. I told myself it’s denial and tried to force feeling something like a genuine attraction but it’s not there. I don’t know anymore. Now i’m just f’d up i have no fantasy or no attractions to anyone. It feels like all this questioning have left me asexual. I did refrain from porn for a month in a half and had a wet dream which i didn’t have for years. And what’s even more f’d up is that it was a wet dream of a woman. Now what am I supposed to believe I thought I settled with being gay. But the anxiety and questioning won’t stop. I forgot to mention the root of this begun when my aunt and sister kept asking me if i was gay because i didn’t have a gf. Then i started hanging out with lgbt people at work and talked about their experiences leading me to question my experiences. And what gave it all to me to think i was really gay is because I never had the experiences my straight friends have. I’ve kissed a few girls and only enjoyed one where i was so intimate and felt connected with her but she moved away. I also technically lost my virginity this january, where my friend brought girls and left me with one i wasnt too attracted with to have sex. She was not my type at all and I still managed to have sex we kissed and I enjoyed kissing her boobs and eating her out but when i wanted to perform it wouldn’t go up. And i knew before i didn’t chase girls because i knew i couldn’t perform. I don’t know if it’s anxiety or the whiskey but now i tell myself because i might be gay. Anyway now all i have is this present moment and i should accept what life has given me whether i’m really gay or not. But one thing I overcame is to understand that i’m not really straight because of my arousal to gay porn.
     
  13. TheJack

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    Just to preface, this is just my personal experience, some people might not have the same one and I acknowledge, but I will defend this until I'm convinced otherwise.

    1. Sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary. Barely anyone in this world is 100% straight or 100% gay. Also, sexual orientation is a very complicated thing. We don't even know everything about it yet.


    2. I really don't think porn or even fantasies can tell you with 100% certainty what your sexual preferences are. Porn barely has a stake in it since it's erotic inherently, fantasies give more of an accurate indicator, but even then can only go so far. When it comes to genuine attraction, it's always good to look at happens in the heat of the moment and what you want currently.

    It doesn't matter if you looked at straight porn all your life, it doesn't matter if you've had fantasies about women all your life. Also, If you're with a woman and you can't get aroused everytime you're with women, that doesn't automatically indicate you're not attracted to women either, but if you decide to experiment with men and you have more of an enjoyable time and get really aroused by having sexually relations with them and only them, then that probably says something. Same thing if it was flipped. Doesn't matter if you've watched 10000 hours of gay porn or jacked off to fantasies upon fantasies of brad pitt, if you're only finding sexual fulfillment within the opposite sex only and not the same sex, that probably says something. If you find sexual enjoyment from both genders, then that probably says something.

    I think that what your mind does in the moment is your true self during that time. For example, when I was dating, I couldn't keep my hands off my girlfriends. I felt real, very PRIMAL attraction to all of the GFs that i've had during my life, and I'm not talking about "wanting to be with them forever, holding hands, or hugging," or any of that. I'm talking about, "I want tear your clothes off right now and get it on." There was even times when I would hang with my ex and we would fool around a bit and I was still very much attached to her in a strong way. Whenever I feel an intense attraction to someone, I have the urge to want to be with them in a sexual manner and when it comes down to the action, I am very much in the moment. I've experimented with men in the past and I probably will in the future just to get the whole picture, but only one experience has ever really been good for me. The rest were just kinda odd, I had some good moments, but I wasn't really plugged. The most recent experience I had "meh" and wasn't really into it.


    Basically, do whatever want. If you wanna having relations with a girl, then do that, if you wanna have relations with a guy, go ahead. Life is too short and enjoyable to worry about "am I gay? Am I straight?" Just live life, have sex, eat good food. That sounded cliche, but yeah.
     
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  14. Chip

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    Darklostxx, why don't you copy this post and make your own thread. I think you'll get more notice and more meaningful input if you do that rather than inserting it into another thread by another user.
     
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  15. Chip

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    The above makes a lot of sense. I don't think it's going to help you actually resolve the question that's burning in your mind, but as TheJack says, it may not be a binary answer in any case. I do think giving up porn and focusing on fantasy may help make things clearer.
     
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  16. PatrickUK

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    There was a certain significance in what you wrote here Tim and it kind of ties in with Chip's earlier comments about self acceptance and the conscious versus unconscious mind.

    It sounds like you can watch gay porn in private or secretly fantasise about sex with other men knowing that you are breaking the supposed taboo in relative safety, but when you step away from all of that and come back to reality suppression and denial kicks back in.

    I would be interested to know what you perceive as the taboo? Why do you think it is taboo to watch gay porn or fantasise about other men? Where does this feeling come from?
     
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  17. out2019

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    I experience this too. In your fantasies are there any 'real life' men - is it a specific 'type'? In real life, do the men who don't appeal to you look like your fantasy? Have you every seen your fantasy type in real life?
     
  18. Tim9788

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    Hi all,

    Thanks again for your replies. With regards to my fantasies about real men I am yet to see a man I am actually "attracted to" in the same way I used to see women. The fantasies I get aroused by are ones I force to happen in my head about any man just to check what will happen and try get answers. The worst part is I can't get proper answers because every time I masturbate I lose all interest in everything sexual for up to a month so I have no way of knowing
     
  19. out2019

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    yeah the cyclical nature of it makes it very hard to understand..and at least for me, a state of high sexual arousal is not the best time to be making life decisions :slight_smile:
     
  20. Damak80

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    Hi guys!
    I just registered to answer your question, because I have a very similar problem and some useful information. Please forgive my bad english.
    I'm pretty sure this problem is related to porn use. Porn does a lot of weird stuff to the brain. If gay porn gives higher dopamine hit to you ( due to its taboo nature on you, novelty, different power dynamics etc.) your brain will condition itself to like it because it wants the highest possible dopamine. But it can't change your sexual orientation. That's why you don't find men in real life attractive. Lot of porn addicts say that they couldn't have sex with their partner because porn was much more exciting.
    I don't now EC really well but on noFap forums lot of guys tell that after quitting porn their gay attraction and obsession with gay porn was gone.
    I also watched a lot of gay porn. But in real life not one man got my attention and I don't find them attractive at all. And I can't imagine being in a relationship with them, falling in love with them or having sex with them for real. I fantasize sometimes about gay sex but interestingly the guys in my fantasy are always faceless and I never fantasized about someone I know. But with women it\s the opposite, I almost always fantasize about someone I know or someone famous. When I see a conventionally good looking guy sometimes I ask myself how could you fantasize about gay sex when you wouldn't touch that guy in a million years haha. I think the thought of being submissive and being dominated turns me on (always fantasize about being a bottom) not the actual male attraction. I'm with my SO for 13 years and the sex was always good and I'm really attracted to her body. I can't keep off my hands from her if i see her naked haha. So I made the conclusion that I must be straight or a little bit bi-curious and that\s all. I think I'm 8-9 on the Kinsley scale. Maybe you guys are sailing in a similar boat.

    Thanks for reading through my answer and I wish you guys happiness and peace of mind. Cheers[​IMG]
     
    #20 Damak80, Aug 24, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2020
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