Am I too old

Beachbum, I notice that every time you use the word "gay", you capitalize it "Gay"; most of us don't. Is there any significance you personally attach to that?

The reason I ask is that you seem to have lead a heterosexual-behavior life for most of your life, presumably without a lot of what people would think of as "gay" interactions with other men, keeping your emotions to yourself in the closet. So, I am wondering what you mean to express about yourself when when you say definitively that you are "Gay" rather than saying you are homosexual, since you are not leading what anyone would externally see as the "gay" lifestyle (whatever that stereotypically is).

If there is no significance to it, just a writing style, that's fine; I just wondered if you were trying to express something specific.

 

This is going a little too far, but would inviting a 'third wheel' be an open option? A threesome? Or allowing each other to date with consent?

I would say you two should divorce, but you shouldn't ruin the marriage over it. But if you two are not happy, then you two should both find a new person before it's too late.

Whatever you choose, Goodluck on this tough situation. (*hug*)

 

Beachbum,

Since you are in the Houston area, there is a fantastic resource available at "fathers first of Houston". This is a support group for bi and gay fathers who are / were married and have children. You will find a lot of support to help you understand what is best for your unique situation.

A lot of us have been (or still are) in the same situation as you on how to be authentic to ourselves and yet not leave total devastation in our wake as we go through life.

Al

 

BeachBum, even though I have never been in your situation I know what it is like to question my sexuality. For you to be concerned about your wife is very respectable. I think and this is just what I think is I think you need to be honest with her and tell her. I also though understand how hard that can be, and I know you do not want to hurt her. But you also have to think about yourself, and what is going to make you happy. You are not too old to start living for you.. This could be the beginning of a new path and a new journey for you to walk. Either way at the end of the day do what is going to be best for you.

 

BeachBum,

You're exactly where I was 6 weeks ago, so I know how much you hurt right now. The anxiety, the panic, the feelings of guilt that I had caused so much pain, the crying--are all still so fresh in my mind.

It's not much comfort, I know, for me to say that it gets better, but really, it does.

You're in the hardest part of the process right now. You and your wife are both in tremendous pain, but you both need to give yourselves time to take it all in, to absorb the meaning of all of this for you both.

You have so much working in your favor: You love your wife and you're best friends. I tell my wife the same things, that I love her and that she is my best friend. I tell her again and again that she will always be my best friend, no matter what eventually happens in our marriage. And I can say that with confidence, as can you, because we've been best friends for close to 30 years.

I am trying to think about the future as a redefinition of our relationship, not the ending of it. I would never abandon my wife, as I'm sure you could never abandon yours. But the relationship will change. All relationships do, regardless of sexuality.

My best wishes to you. You know how to find me here. You can post to my wall, and we can talk that way, if you like. Up to you.

In the meantime: (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

i think you owe it to yourself and your wife to be completely honest with her. it will hurt now but may avert more pain and suffering in the long run.

 

That was my greatest concern about getting started with a therapist. I was fortunate that I found a therapist that would work with the EAP program at my company, and I found a second therapist that's part of my health insurance network. So for now at least, there are no charges to be "discovered" on our bank statement.

However, at the same time, I'm having to take time off from work to get the appointments so they don't interfere with the afternoon schedules with the kids activities. The problem I'm having with this arrangement is that the point is to live in integrity with myself by coming out of the closet and finally being open and honest with my wife. But here I am creating a secret addition onto my closet trying to hide the therapy and keep juggling all the balls that are already up in the air.

Beachbum, I really hope you and your wife can work together to evolve your relationship to find peace within both of you.

 

Beachbum,
I'm going through the same thing now.... 39, married, 4 small kids and I'm gay. I can't swallow and hide my feelings anymore. I plan on telling my wife this weekend... Not sure how it will go! Just know you are not alone!

 

I would sit down and talk to her about how you feel. If you're gay then maybe it is best if you guys separate. That way you both can find someone that makes you happy. It is pointless to stay together and wonder what if for the rest of your life. I'll agree it may not be easy to find someone, however, I know where I live there are lgbt groups for different ages/ interests people have.

 

Hi. In a similar position at 41, with two kids. I came out to my wife last October, and am now living in a flat of my own, having moved of the family home a few weeks ago. I don't not love her, but the feelings I have for men and the realisation that these were getting stronger and stronger to the point where I acted on it with a guy I met told me it was time to decide where the rest of my life needed to go. He's still in my life and the bond between us is growing stronger. The relationship with my wife - although hard for her to accept that I don't feel the same sexually about her - is as good as it can be. We see each other almost every day along with our kids and our relationship is still good. It's still very hard for her, but all I can do is be there as a best friend for her and live my life being true to myself and honest with myself and how I feel. It's taken me nearly 30 years to acknowledge it - you might question, if you lasted that long, why not just see out the rest of your time like that - it couldn't have been that bad?

And it wasn't. But there was always that guilt when I saw a hot guy, or looked at gay porn, or felt attracted to a guy at work - that it wasn't "right" for me to feel like that and that there was something "wrong". Then there comes a point where it refuses to go away, where the feelings demand to be acknowledged properly and at that point, there's nothing you can do to stop it. That's the point I got to.