Am I too old

Welcome to EC Beachbum! You will find lots of support here. (*hug*)

 

Welcome Beachbum, there are loads of gay men posting here regularly who will be able to give you advice and support. Many who have been or who are going through the same thing as you. (*hug*) I just wanted to add my own hug to you. xx

 

Hi beach bum,

There are many here in the same boat as you. Me and my wife were set to file for divorce this coming Monday, but when it came down to it, I realized I loved her too much to let her go without giving it a chance to work out. I'm probably being naive as I know the gay feelings will never go away. Like you I am scared to be alone too. I have a wife and kids at home that love me still after all I put them through. Our finances are way more secure than they would be apart.

I am the last person to hand out advice on what you should do but it sounds like you have given the marriage a try and that you have love and concern for your wife.

Its definitely a difficult decision, but this site will offer you a great amount of support.

Good luck

 

Beach Bum

I guess in the end only you can know the answer to your situation.

I also came out (to pretty much everyone) later in life and I too had previously told people (including girlfriends) I was bisexual instead of gay. Unlike you i never married or had kids so I can only begin to empathise with how painful all this must be for you.

I know there are others in very similar situations to you on EC who can help you more than me, but I do feel your situation so much. Shame and guilt are such huge emotions for everyone and have a special poignancy for LGBT people.

If you decide to not tell your wife the whole truth you will be compromising on your own true authentic self to protect the feelings of someone you truly love. That can only be a noble thing to do. On the other hand beyond all the pain and honesty and dangers of actually speaking from your heart to her (again because you love her) could lie different but better richer and truer times for both of you?
From my own slightly different (less complex) situation, I know that at last openly being who I truly am, and always have been, has been both painful and difficult and liberating and powerful. I wouldn't change my decision for the world!

Sending you my love and thoughts as you contemplate what to do. There is no rush. Listen to your heart

 

Hello beachbum, I understand it must be very hard for you right now, but please remember that it's also very hard for your wife. If I can implore you, no matter what you decide to do please be honest with your wife. Whether you want to try to fix things up with her or to leave, it's important for her to be in the know of what she's in for

 

You're in a difficult spot for sure. As is your wife. This isn't easy for either of you. I'm glad that you're going to counselling together. Are you going alone as well? You have some very difficult decisions to make and making them alone isn't easy.

Ther's a collective wisdom here - grown out of experiences of our own - that perhaps can help you. I certainly found it helpful to find this site 6 years ago - and at the time there few (if any) people here who shared my experience. Since then there are dozens of people who have come to realize they are gay later in life here on this site. We all know what you're going through.

Good luck - and welcome!

 

hi beachbum honestly as hard as it is I think the best thing is to get a divorce no matter how hard it is because it can only get better from there. If you leave her now u can still find a man and be able to live the rest of your life the way u want it.

 

It's probably easier for people who are out and integrated in the "Gay world" to advise you to just divorce and move on with your life. I, however, would not presume to try to sway you toward thinking about divorce right now. First you need to come to an acceptance of yourself as a gay man. Then you can have a conversation with your wife if that is what you need to do for yourself first and your relationship with your wife. Only then can the two of you together decide how to move forward.

 

First, good luck, and welcome to EC!

This is obvious, but only you can make the decision.

However, I will say that in my own experience, I have found that the problem of dealing with the fact I'm gay has not gone away. I have had good reason to believe that--at the very least--I was not straight for years. But I avoided dealing with the issue. It never went away, and I wasted a huge amount of energy in the process.

 

Good morning from the frozen North, BeachBum.

The first thing you need to do is sort yourself out. You need to come out to yourself. Then you can deal with the harder questions. Is the love between your wife and you enough to sustain you and her? She's drawn a line in the sand with her intolerance of your viewing porn, which like it or not, does take away from your marriage, since your sex life as a couple has begun to wane. Would an open marriage work for you? If neither of these options work, then you're on the train to Reno.

You need to be honest with her and yourself throughout this process. Be prepared for anything as her reaction may not be the way you expect it. You'll both be mourning the loss of your marriage, but will be viewing it through different lenses. Be respectful of her feelings, but don't allow yourself to be beat up or abused.

You've a full plate to think about. There are lots of steps along the way and we're here to help. You've landed in a soft spot. Congratulations for taking the first steps along this journey. (*hug*)

 

Beachbum I am new here myself but wanted to add my welcome

 

Hi Beachbum - welcome from me too. I am in a similar position - been married a long time and have children. I have come out to my wife (on reflection, looking back, that was the easy bit!)..now comes the more difficult part - where do we go from here. I am taking it slow and making small steps....

 

It (and I!) came out by accident- not in a planned way unfortunately- it wasnt good.
She was shocked but not 100% surprised either.Time has passed in the meantime and I think she is growing resigned and the issue now is -do I stay or go...

 

This may not be easy to read, but I believe you know the right thing to do here but have so far lacked the courage to do it. I know it is not easy but if you need additional help with shame and guilt over being gay then I advise getting into counseling to help you get past it. Your wife has every right to know the truth, and to feel all that she's feeling.

Down the road, after coming out, you can both consider a non-sexual marriage. With your long history together, perhaps that can work. This way you can each get certain needs met outside of the marriage in an 'open' relationship. It's non-traditional sure, and not at all unusual either. Should you both agree that's not an option, then the only track IMO - is to permanently separate or divorce, come out and be who you are fully and find a nice guy to share your life with. Even if it takes time to achieve. No - you are NOT too old to be happy!

You can find a path towards future happiness. But that depends upon what actions you're prepared to take. Should you continue to be dishonest and give her false hope then you're just not being a good man (IMO). Remember, she also deserves to be with someone who can love her fully, the way she wants to be loved. I hope you find peace and happiness, all the best!

 

Hi there. I'm also hetero married with children and just wanted to add my support. I've been fully out to my spouse for about three years and, since we're both open minded and truly are best of friends, we've been able to live fairly happily together until we could get our lives straightened out enough to live apart. We do not have an open relationship; however, we both can use all the porn we want and are even occasionally intimate (doesn't do anything for me but it also doesn't cost me anything). Despite all this, I am nearing point where I will need to step away from the marriage and begin exploring my "true self" for lack of a better word. If you are serious about making things work with your spouse you have to realize your feelings will not go away and you'll very likely be back in this place in another few years. She needs to understand that as well. Good luck!