Advice needed . My 16 yr old son just came out.

I think many people at that age find it awkward to talk about sexuality with their parents, beyond the standard scripts everyone expects (usually centered around avoiding pregnancy and STDs). Just because everyone says they support him doesn't instantly make it less awkward, and doubly so because it doesn't follow the majority of the information/references/role models that have been available to him.
It takes time. And keep in mind that, at this point anyway, he probably feels like he can't talk about it with his dad in the same way you talked about it with your mom, or your husband with his father (i.e. neither of his parents share the same orientation as him, which can reinforce the sense of "they can't understand what I'm going through" that's usually prevalent in teens anyway). Hang in there.

 

Hey Beesmum. Alright, first let's take a deep breath. You haven't lost him, and nothing bad is happening. What is happening is completely normal, and you should strive to give him some space.

This can be hard to understand from the position of someone who is straight, but your support or lack of support has nothing to do with how comfortable he feels talking about being gay. Your son has just spent perhaps years struggling with his sexuality, attempting to come to terms with being gay, and what it meant for him and his future. He's also still very young, and although he knows that he's gay, he's still likely not very comfortable with it yet.

Coming out is a journey and a process of self acceptance, and in fact coming out is only the first step to a whole new set of issues and concerns. It's very likely because you confronted him earlier about whether he was gay or not, and he wasn't ready to talk about it - that he came out sooner than he likely otherwise would have.

You need to give him some space. This isn't an issue that he needs to talk about constantly. Things in your lives should be returning to normal, the way they were prior to his coming out. The primary difference should be that you should be creating an accepting home environment. Leaving the door open and creating opportunities for him to talk to you about being gay is important, but trying to force conversations before he is ready is completely counter productive.

In fact, if you keep trying to force these conversations you're likely to start pushing him back into the closet because you're forcing him to confront difficult emotions. You have to understand that even if your family was the most supportive family on the face of the planet, you still raised him as a straight kid. All of his life he's been assumed as straight, and that was part of his identity as a person. Imagine someone ripping some integral part of your identity away, and replacing it with something else - something that is more accurate and true, but no less disruptive in how you see yourself and relate to the world around you.

On top of this he's grown up in a culture and a society that is not overly accepting of gay people. Gay people, even in the most progressive places, are still either viewed as less than straight people or at the very least as an "other". No one gives birth to a child, and dreams of their son being gay someday. They dream and envision him being straight, and those dreams and visions are passed onto him as he grows up.

He's fighting against all of that and is struggling to carve out his own identity that is separate from the one that has been imposed upon him by everyone else around him. This is a process of self discovery, and being so young it's a process that he's just starting.

He's told you already in his own words that he doesn't even feel comfortable saying the word gay. That's normal. Virtually every gay person struggles with that because we've all spent so long running from that label. Spending so long running from something, and then having to turn around and embrace it as your truth can be a difficult thing. Especially since running from it meant that you viewed it as a negative thing, something you didn't want to be associated with... that means you're going to associate it with shame.

You need to give your son some space. You should return to your life before his coming out, and stop making it such a big deal. Having a sense of normalcy is important after coming out. You're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, and the more you push the more he is going to shut down.

This is something he has to sort out on his own. If you really want to help him, then find him a LGBT Teen support group he can attend. By getting him involved there he's going to meet other people struggling with similar issues, and people who can understand and empathize with what he's feeling and going through.

Other than that, stand up and defend him when he needs it. Make the home a supportive place where he feels welcome, and treat him like you otherwise would if he were straight. Leave the door open and create opportunities for him to talk to you, and when he's comfortable he will do so.

If you notice something is awry, for example, he starts to appear particularly down or upset... you might bring it up. Just to make sure he isn't being bullied at school or something.

Otherwise, these are just issues he has to sort through himself. He's not going anywhere, and he's not pushing you away. He's just not comfortable in his own skin right now, and that's going to take time until he gets used to being out. Pushing him to open up and talk about things when he's not ready like this is only going to make him feel more insecure.

 

Lucky!!!!!!!! I tried coming out to my parents as "bi" (I dumbed it down to Test their reaction) and they were going to throw me out of the house unless I tried to "change.." (Lol, they think going to church therapy will change me) all I can say is you had nothing to do with it. Mother "NATURE" made him the way he is! Actually homosexuality is more common in mammals then most people think!.. Species including Foxes, Caribou, Chimpanzees, Koalas, humans, ( of course ^^") domesticated cats and dogs, elephants, Lions, dolphins, orca and shall I continue? XD all I'm trying to say is continue being the loving supporting parent that you are! You had nothing to do with it so you're really worrying for nothing. C:

 

Hi,

I want to ask... If everything is as you say why are you having this internal conflict as if someone is to blame?

Just curious.

Tom

 

There is a book by a neurobiologist Dick Swaab. he wrote a book called We are our brains. in it he talked about homosexuality and how homosexuality is not a choice and it is "decided" in the womb before the child is born. uncontrollable things like amount of hormones they get when in the womb can make a person gay. also they found that the brains biological clock is bigger in gay men, and other neurobiologists found that the structure that connects the brains left and right temporal lobes is also bigger in homosexual men.

also, there are things called pheromones. they are scented sex hormones given off by everybody and are detected by our unconscious brains. a study by the Stockholm Brain institute found that, of course, male pheromones "turn on" females, but also homosexual males, showing that it is not a choice since these pheromones are detected unconsciously. and as a parent you have no control ever what pheromones unconsciously 'turn on' your son.

So, the amount of male hormones during pregnancy, the size of the brains biological clock and other structures, and reaction to certain pheromones all determine sexuality, and are all uncontrollable.

if thats not enough, Dr. Swaab also noted that there is no evidence whatsoever that being gay can be affected by a child's environment or parenting after birth. There is no evidence whatsoever, that parenting can contribute to sexual orientation, it is all determined before birth.

all of this info was received from Dr. swaab's book, we are our brains. here is info about mr. swaab (from wikipedia)

Dick Frans Swaab (born 17 December 1944, Amsterdam, Netherlands) is a Dutch physician and neurobiologist who is a famous brain researcher. [1] He is a professor of neurobiology at the University of Amsterdam and was until 2006 Director of the Dutch Institute for Brain Research (Nederlands Instituut voor Hersenonderzoek) of the Royal Dutch Academy of Arts and Sciences (Koninklijke Nederlandse Akademie van Wetenschappen).[citation needed]

Swaab graduated at the Amsterdams Lyceum in 1963. He received his doctorate of medicine at the University of Amsterdam in 1968, and his Ph.D. in 1970 with professor Ariëns Kappers on a neuroendocrine thesis, and in 1972 he received his medical degree. He was from 1978 the de facto director of the Netherlands Institute for Brain Research.[citation needed] In 1979 he was appointed professor of neurobiology at the University of Amsterdam. In 1985 he founded the Netherlands Brain Bank (Nederlandse Hersenbank (Dutch)), to facilitate research on brain diseases.[2]

i assume you don't have a PhD and doctorate in neurobiology, so don't contradict mr. swaab's evidence.

 

First up you are an awesome parent, it shows and other parents could learn a thing or two from you. Second the way you are handling it is perfect and you are blaming yourself for no reason, just keep doing things the way your doing them and as long as you accept him, support him, and love him unconditionally you'll be good that's all children want at least me anyways.

 

When he was little, before you even suspected he might be gay, did you imagine him all grown up with a wife and kids?

If so, that's probably what you're grieving. The loss of that image. Now you know it'll probably be a husband instead of a wife, kids are going to be harder to get, and he's going to be facing some people who think he's wrong and bad for who he loves. It's a big adjustment.

 

I'll be honest, I see few posts about supportive parents; Much less from supportive parents, but I digress. You should not worry yourself at all. If you had been strict, Old Testament Catholic. He would still be gay, just afraid to talk to you about it. All you did was let him know you love him and let him figure it out, which is as much as a parent can do. It's nice to hear heartwarming stories like this.

 

He will have known for a long time that he is gay - I knew at 12 but didn't come out until 18.

Unlike your son, my family were less than supportive.

As for secrecy - all teens are secretive.

You have done all you can - as he gets older he will want to share his life with you.

At the moment, treat him like any other teenager - secretive/wanting to break rules, be on the look out for warning signs and love him.

Over time he will open up to you more

 

Hi Beesmom and welcome.

Thank you for being so accepting of your son for it can be very difficult. I was a teenager in a time where to seen as gay was a target on your back. It is important for our children to not live in fear for being who they are.

And no, you did not make him gay. It is who he is and nothing you or anybody could have done would have made a difference. I had Catholic schooling. We didn't know anything about homosexuality and yet at the age of 9, I started dreaming of other boys. Never even heard of the idea of being; gay, homosexual, faggot, etc etc etc until I started high school yet here I was sexually interested in other boys but none at my school.

 

U could not have done anything to prevent it. He was always gay even if he didn't know it. My dad is very homophobic and says its wrong and unnatural. I know he is wrong and as much as I didn't want to be gay, I knew I was and I believe nothing could have prevented it. So it is not your fault and I would feel better if u didn't beat yourself up over it.

 

If he had grown up in a bubble away from all human contact, he would still be gay. Plus lots of psychological problems, including not being able to speak a language. You couldn't influence him to be straight growing up if you tried. Thanks for being supportive and loving to your children!

 

People just are who they are. If there was something you did you would probably know about it but even then it would probably just be clouding his judgement not his sexual orientation. It sounds like you're doing a great job and that you love your son very much. Just continue to love and support him and let him be who he is and you'll be fine.

---------- Post added 26th Mar 2014 at 10:41 PM ----------

I agree with you for the most part however sexuality can be fluid so he could be straight and then gay. But he was probably always gay.

 

Then why do you think you have done something wrong?

 

You sound like a great parent, your son is very lucky to have you. I think you should just keep doing what you've been doing so far. It's more than enough

 

You're receiving a lot of good advice here but I'll offer my perspective as someone who hasn't been permitted to be fully "out" with my family. I had a conversation with my dad once about marriage equality and at some point, very uncharacteristically, I just erupted (not at him but at the world). He became very quiet and told me that he just didn't want people to mistreat or overlook me because of their own ignorance. This was the point in my life in which my respect for my dad grew enormously - because he was honest with me. My advice would be to talk to your son and tell him how you are feeling and that your main concern is that he knows that he is loved and supported and doesn't have to hide this part of himself. There will be drama as with all teenagers but I think that as long as you keep affirming your love and support and maintain an honest dialogue, things will settle down eventually. Everything is probably just very raw and a bit surreal for all of you right now. Hang in there. You're off to a great start.