Advice needed . My 16 yr old son just came out.

yay woo for supportive parents! (*hug*)
in answer to the last part, nope.
well not that i think anyway. i grew up without a dad around and that didnt affect me. iknow gay women whos parents are still married. so your home life doesnt affect anything to do with your sexuality. you need to stop blaming yourself.

if you wanted some extra advice/idk what its called... its really late sorry ahah! but many books are on amazon about what to do when a child comes out, so it might help if you pick one up but you sound like youre doing all the right things.

 

First, I want to say you're an excellent parent, and should be commended for your relationship with your son, and for supporting him in whatever he decides to do.

As for your question, you are definitely beating yourself for no reason . No one chooses to be gay, and it's really not something that's influenced by parental action or non-action. Many parents have these same questions - as a gay man, I can tell you that I had a rough childhood (and am just recently out, at age almost 35 - geez I'm old....). However, that childhood had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my sexuality - I could have had the easiest childhood imaginable, and I'd still be as queer as I am today .

Just keep on supporting your son, and he'll be fine

 

Not a problem - not even 9PM here in lovely NYC

I agree with not mentioning any of this to him right now. However, at the same time I think that you might need someone to talk these things through with that's not in some other part of the world . Have you considered seeing a therapist yourself? You're going through the stages of grief (at this point, you're grieving the heteronormative lifestyle that you would have liked your son to live - and that's completely natural and healthy) and talking through it with someone might do you a lot of good. Just a suggestion.

 

First off, you are a wonderful parent for being so accepting.
As for your question: I know that most people think that some external source shapes a childs sexuality and it is certainly a right to think that as sexuality is a difficult concept to explain. But the fact is that no one or nothing can shape a persons sexuality. There are many theories out there to try an explain the origin. But no one exactly knows.

As for advice and such, I'm not a parent so it is not my place to offer advice nor can I say what to do in this situation (other than being supportive). That being said, there exists such organization called PFFLAG (Parents, Friends & Families of Lesbians and Gays) that are comprised of parents and other audiences to help others.

Keep on being a great parent, you're doing great.

 

It's common for parents to blame themselves.

If there's any blame/responsibility in similar situations, I think it's when the parents are so oblivious to the possibility, hold negative attitudes towards non-hetero non-cis people, create a hostile environment at home in which the child's only safe option is to remain in the closet. So no, parents can't make their child gay, but they can keep them in the closet.

Fortunately it's not your case, you've done good :eusa_clap

BTW Many places have various resources available to parents, such as PFLAG, you may want to look into those, as well as books, counselling, this website, etc... (someone beat me to it, I type slow lol).

P.S. If you continue to use online forums and similar resources, I would caution you in revealing too much precise information (i.e. using real first names of him and siblings/relatives) as some parents sometimes do here , because if your son runs across it accidentally it can cause trust issues between him and you later.

 

this website may be helpful For Parents Of A Gay Child | How To Come Out | Gay Sons | Lesbian Daughters I think you are an awesome parent!

 

Do you think your parents did anything to shape your sexual orientation?

 

You're an awesome mum!!
And no, it is certainly not your doing at all. It's just how he is, and as long as you're both happy that's all that matters.
it's good that his friends are also supportive.
You might want to suggest that he goes to / take him to a local LGBT youth group (but only if he wants to do this). These are generally very supportive environments and a good chance for you both to make friends.

Thank you for helping your son!

 

as chip said he got lucky with his mum.wish you and him the best

 

The idea that homosexuality is the result of bad or inadequate parenting has been around for a long time; just like the idea that autism and Asperger's syndrome are. Neither is true. That causes that shape sexual orientation appear to be largely genetic and the result of exposure to different hormones while in the uterus. The only thing your parenting has done is made your son feel safe coming out to you, and that's good parenting, not bad.

 

Do not beat yourself up over this - it's a natural reaction. It has nothing to do with your son, but rather the future you envisioned your son having. Although being gay hasn't changed who he is (he has always been gay), the perspective through which you viewed his life and his future has changed.

There is absolutely nothing you could have done to make him gay or make him straight. Gay people come from every type of family imaginable, from every culture, every religion, every nation, every ethnic group, and every socio-economic bracket. Even though we don't fully know what gives anyone their sexual orientation - including what makes someone straight - we know that it's natural and normal.

That's what is important to understand. It's natural and normal for humans to have same sex attraction. There are many, many, many other non-human species who also have same sex attraction - both romantic and sexual relationships. We don't fully understand why - yet. But this isn't a negative thing. It isn't as if your son has somehow become ill, or that some dark fate has befallen him. Even if it feels that way, it's only because that's the lens we've been taught to view human sexuality and in particular homosexuality.

You should strive to look at it from the perspective of one of your daughters coming home and telling you she has a boyfriend. Part of you would likely be excited and proud of her - she's growing up. She's taking risks. She's finding someone that is making her happy. Another part of you would likely be afraid, concerned with whether or not he'll treat her properly, and whether or not she'll make wise and responsible decisions. You are caught between conflicting emotions, but the situation isn't a negative one - it's an expected one. It's just part of her growing up and becoming an adult.

The same is true here. Your son has told you something important, something that was expected, and something that makes you proud - he's shown courage, and has taken strong steps toward becoming his authentic self. He's growing up. Your mind is likely filled with all sorts of worries and concerns, especially over how society might treat him, and the challenges he might face. Yes, everyone will face challenges in their life and his challenges may be more unique than others; often placed upon him by an unjust and unfair culture and society. However, at the end of the day this isn't a negative thing. He's stepping into an authentic role - something you should be proud of - and is becoming an adult.

Much of this is simply a matter of perspective. Yet, your grief is normal. You pictured a future for your son that is no longer going to come to pass as you imagined it. That is the loss you are grieving.

 

There have been some studies done about differences, there was a conclusion I read that showed differences in the brains of heterosexual to homosexual adults, so for all we know this was decided before he was born.

Whether you helped that or not doesn't really matter, he is what he is and I'm glad you are so supportive.

 

You are such an awesome mom. Although you may feel like you did something to change your son, all you did was make him feel comfortable coming to you. You raised him in a way that made him certain he would be loved and accepted no matter what. That's hard to do, so kudos to you!

It is completely normal to grieve a little bit even though you are proud of your son. You might be nervous about what this means for him, or how much harder this might be for him, and that's okay too. You might be wondering what his life will be like now that you know for certain he won't date a woman or have children in the "natural" way. That's also okay. None of this means you love him less or are less proud of him. It just means you are processing what he has been processing for a while.

 

You didn't do anything to "make him gay". But being a supportive parent probably helped him come out sooner.
Ps congrats on him being so happy with his life!

 

Your son has gone nowhere. He's probably just mulling over his own life right now. And that's not to say he will be planning a life without y'all in it. Reading that the family is not accepting nor supporting him has probably led him to become more secretive about what's going on in his life. It's not that y'all have lost your son so to speak, it's the fact that he is beginning to close off his life to those that won't support him.
Does that make sense?

Also, if he wants to, he is always welcome here to share his side. I think the mods can make it to where he does not see this thread.