About to take the leap.....

Well I haven’t posted anything here lately….so I warn that like most of my posts this one is quite long. Things have been “sideways to south” with my family. I still have yet to have the conversation with my wife, mainly because things continue to go down-hill with my parents. In many ways I regret having this conversation with them first. In many ways, I think it was the right thing to do. I don’t know if there is a “right” way to do this sort of thing….I think it is just something that “is”.

This week I went to a counselor who I have been to many times before when my wife and I were having marital issues. He was pretty amazing. I envisioned him running from the room gouging his eyes out (lol) but he was awesome. He talked with me thru a lot of things, helping me to start the process of getting to the bottom of what I felt. I found some comfort in knowing that he is currently counseling multiple other guys in the same boat as myself (and many others on this site). The hour with him bled away pretty quickly, and we didn’t talk about near enough. But, I am anxious to visit with him more to continue down the path of a greater understanding of all of this.

I may catch a lot of grief for this statement, but I feel like it needs to be said. I SO wish that “powers that be” in the gay part of society would do a better at portraying what most of us on here are going thru. Maybe that isn’t fair to say, but in “small town Texas” being “gay” is primarily about sex. And honestly, that is the largest part of what is portrayed in the media, etc. As with my parents, the “older” generation only sees being gay as who you choose to have sex with….and there is little to no understanding of the emotional connection that I feel with men as opposed to women. I am in my late 30’s….and while sex “isn’t nothing” (double negative!)…..it certainly “isn’t everything” to me either.

I am pretty beat up right now in this whole process. My mother is taking this all especially hard - and mainly for my wife and kids. Lots of tears. I know she is fearful of what life will be like for them - and I am in that same boat. I feel those same things. But, we aren’t even there yet. My father is strongly in denial, and continues to say he is “not convinced that I am gay.” I am pretty sure my mother is in the same place. I have discussed this with my parents only three times total (including the initial discussion), so we have not talked a lot about it. But, my father has said pretty much said that “if I am gay then I am not a Christian.” That conversation deteriorated pretty quickly, and I have realized that I can’t be “about” convincing them that it is right or wrong - or even helping them to understand what is going on inside of me. Heck, I hardly understand what all is going on inside of me! I just hope that they will seek out counseling to help them to understand. I acknowledge and admit that “feelings” and “facts” aren’t the same thing - but I feel as if my father believes that since he believes this is a sin then that is the end of the story. I have yet to reconcile all of this with God - but a judgmental and closed-minded attitude is not going to help the process any. But, having said all of that, I know that deep down he WANTS to help….he just isn’t equipped to handle it right now…..and honestly neither am I.

I had an hour+ long conversation with my sister today that had both positive moments and negative moments. After my conversation with her I realized that she and my parents both are not happy that I have gone to the counselor I have gone to….because he is not one of the two they have thrown out there as an option. In all fairness, I called and e-mailed one of those counselors multiple times with no response…probably on vacation….but I never called the other. I went to who I trusted, and found out that he deals with this a lot. But, in an attempt to be fair to everyone involved, I have contacted the other counselor (one of their two). The counselor I am seeing is in a “medium sized” near-by town and not in the vast “Dallas-Ft Worth” metroplex….and so that carries a stigma that he isn’t very experienced. I am encouraging my parents to go see my current counselor to talk with him…I know they would be impressed if they went….and I hope that is something that will happen. He is even a part-time pastor of a local church…so it isn’t as if “God” isn’t a factor in his counseling. However, this counselor that they have recommended is a Christian as well….and does deal with the LGBT community quite a bit…so it isn’t like I would be visiting with someone who hasn’t dealt with this before.

So much of “that” (from above) is why I honestly sometimes regret saying anything at all sometimes. I sometimes wish that I had just gone to counseling, and if I felt it was needed filed for divorce, and just not been very “open” about who I was on the inside with anyone. I am not fleeing my family for someone else - there is nobody for me to enter into a relationship with right now….so it isn’t like I am running from one person’s arms into another. But had I just kept it to myself then all of this crap wouldn’t be happening…well….it wouldn’t be happening right now at least But, that doesn’t resolve the strong desire I have to just be honest with everyone about what is (and has been for as long as I can remember) going on inside of me.

Luckily, one of the things I have been gifted with is not sweating the “small stuff” (although none of this is truly small) - and being able to see the forrest in spite of all the trees. I know that right now all of this truly sucks. I feel as if this has deteriorated into me trying to please my parents by going thru THEIR check-lists to prove that I am gay. And, in all honesty, I am doing the things THEY want in an attempt to “open the door of understanding” as to what all is going on with me. The hard part is that most of the time I don’t even understand it myself….and they look to me for answers to questions that I simply cannot answer right now. As of now, I am going to continue to see my counselor even while seeing the one they have recommended. I told my counselor that I needed guidance and also a “press secretary” lol!! I need someone who can communicate with everyone much better than I can….because I think he probably has a much better grasp as to what is going on within me than I do. This aspect of it is very difficult for me though…..and I don’t want to be selfish….but I feel as if I am focusing more on what others want rather than what is going on with me personally.

To the ladies and gentlemen out there going thru this same thing from a strong Christian background, I highly recommend the “God Made Me Gay” site that you can find thru this site - or simply by googling it. While I cannot say that I for sure agree with everything that is said, I can say that it has opened my eyes quite a bit as to where I am on the inside. I want my family to go to this site and read it all, but I know that during “denial” it will not be helpful…and will probably taint anything they could get out of it if I pointed them to it right now. But, for the person trying to sort thru the feelings and thoughts going on inside of themselves, it is helpful.

I hope to be able to get in to the other counselor this week, but that will only happen if he has a cancellation. I am out of town next week for a week-long training course, so if not this week it will be an additional week before I can see the other counselor. I hope that during this time my parents will seek out an appointment with my counselor. Oddly enough, I believe he is helping a “very extended” member of my family with a similar situation. I won’t go into that any further, but this guy is someone many hold in the highest of esteem (my family included). To the other guys out there in a similar situation as mine - please find comfort in knowing that even in smaller communities you aren’t the only one dealing with these feelings and thoughts. My counselor is dealing/has recently dealt with 10+ individuals seeking similar guidance….and in a small community that is a pretty large number of guys.

Well, this is probably way too long for an update, but I just feel like it is important to share all of this as I am going thru it. I know there are others going thru it as well….or contemplating it. I truly hope that it is of some help to someone else out there. I continue to draw comfort and support from the comments made by others…..I cannot tell you “Thank You” enough. I find myself encouraged and my soul strengthened each time I come and read your supportive comments. To the others in this same situation - you are in my thoughts constantly. I have read your comments and know right where you are….and I hope that some of these words might be helpful to you. Until next time……

 

Thanks to all - and quietman702 - thank you for that. It was very much needed right at this very moment. This is the exact same reason why I waited for so long to come out. I mean, I had the perfect opportunity if I was just looking to get away from my family - I was separated from my wife for over a year. I could have divorced her then, and gone about my life as I wanted....and temporarily at least foregone this family drama. But, it wasn't the time.

And to Choirboy - your post was very insightful - and led me to the following question - why do most people lump "homosexual" and "pervert" into the same category??? I mean, maybe you don't see that in your town - but I see it here. If someone is gay, they are a pervert. Because to the outside it is all about the sex.....when in reality it isn't at all about the sex.

And thanks to the others who have commented. Knowing that the "bond" others feel with men - the love they feel in those relationships - is different and what your heart desires makes me NOT feel so special....which is a good thing! That is honestly what I want - and what I have wanted for a long time. There is no good or effective way to explain that to a heterosexual - or at least to most of them. It is a difficult concept to grasp for them - even though it is as simple as the feelings they either do (or should) feel towards their husband/wife/mate etc. They too, it seems, can't get past the "physical" to see the "emotional".

What is crazy also is that most in our community would more willingly accept a gay man who has come from a crummy home life (with his father primarily) than one that has come from a strong home life - like myself. I had a very strong upbringing. But nonetheless, here I sit writing these words.

I have to remain focused on what I have felt inside for so long and not focused on convincing others. While I know there are many people involved in this situation for me, I also know that the only one holding the cards is me. It is what I feel on the inside - it is what I am able to come to terms with - it is what I can understand of myself - that will drive the rest of this process. I am sure that is a never-ending struggle, but at some point I know it will get easier.

Whats crazy is I think my wife is much more equipped to handle this than my parents. She has or has had many gay friends in her life. She reaches out to them and has a big heart for them. Now, I am not just a "friend" for her....but still at least her mind has already been down a path that my parents has not. So much of me just wants to NOT tell her - even if this is something I decide to pursue to the fullest - to attempt to save her the grief in the short term. In a small town divorce is bad enough....but pile a gay husband on top of that and you might as well just blow the lid off of the whole situation. I still do not know what I want to do, but I do know that in the end, after the dust has settled, my wife would have much rather heard it from my lips than from someone else's in a rumor.

My wife can be a pretty volatile person - yet she can also be as compassionate as they come. I do not know what route she would go with this sort of news. I want to protect and shield my children (and my wife) from as much of this as possible...which I know is virtually impossible. However, I will just continue down the road of counseling to hopefully better and more fully understand myself and what is going on on the inside of me.

And finally -back to quietman702 - I would greatly appreciate any Christian/Bible based resources you have for this process. The best thing I have heard to date is that what the LGBT community is dealing with today is similar to what the African American community has dealt with for quite some time - all the way back to biblical times....where slavery was a way of life. I believe it is the closest argument we have for our community. Fundamentally, it is a very similar situation.

The other helpful thing I have been told - which has taken me a few days to grasp - is what my (VERY Christian) counselor said to me during our first session - he explained that he did not believe that the strong desire for a very very deep masculine relationship and bond was wrong at all - and that that is what he believed was at the heart of all gay men. Now, we didn't make it any further than that - so I have yet to hear what he thinks about the natural extensions of that bond. One of the reasons why I trust and respect him so much is he said "I don't believe it is wrong - I believe it just IS"....and he has said many times that "It IS what it IS"!! Where we go from there I have yet to experience.....but I do know that it is the "safest" I have ever felt in discussing all of these feelings and emotions. But it was a good starting point at least.

Until next time....

 

Well, today ended up being the day to have the talk with my wife. Honestly, I was a nervous wreck all day long. I knew it had to be today. For some reason, today was just the day that it all needed to happen.

And man, what an amazing time it was. We started the talk late. I reassured her initially that this was not about any infidelity and I didn’t have anyone else in my life - and then admitted to her my strong attraction towards men. What she said after that truly parted my hair. Her response - “I know - and I have known for a long time.” Wow. It was such a relief to hear her say that. The first thing we both did was laugh about it some. Tears followed because emotions and thought about the future implications began to set in - but we both talked each other down and resumed discussing it like old friends.

I can’t begin to explain how amazing it was to discuss something like this with her - and to have her response be so open and honest. She actually told me that she felt closer to me now than she had in a long time. She expressed that she was relieved that I had told her. She has said multiple times that she knew something was wrong with me - something stressful going on on the inside - and was genuinely concerned about it. I think it was a relief to her to finally get it out in the open.

Where we go from here I have no idea. Neither of us do really. We discussed a few options, but both agreed that today wasn’t the day to commit to any of them. I am relieved that she is going to see our counselor in the morning. I had an appointment scheduled for the morning, so that we could use it however we needed. I am so thankful that she is going. She has agreed that at this point nobody needs to know about anything. We are both fearful for our children because they have been thru a year-long separation already….and putting them thru a divorce is not something either of us wants to do right now. Where we ultimately end up neither of us knows right now. We have just both agreed that we can take it slow - one very small step at a time.

I know that after the shock wears off that there will be emotions to deal with. I know she is in shock somewhat. She said she really figured I would never admit to this in my life….because as many on here know it isn’t something most of us revel in the idea of admitting to our husbands or wives. But, she said as soon as I sat down to talk with her, she knew what I was about to say.

I can’t tell you the relief that I feel on the inside. While this relief is very small because of all the implications this can have on our lives, it is still such a burden lifted. To have carried a secret around for so many years and then BAM - all of a sudden it isn’t a secret anymore - it is just a pretty crazy experience.

I do mourn for her. I know that whatever path we choose, it isn’t going to be easy for her. It won’t be easy for any of us - but my concern right now is more with her and our children. I don’t love the thought of hurting anyone….especially not them.

I cannot thank everyone on this site enough for the patient support that you have given thru this process. I can honestly for the first time say that those who are the closest to me truly know me for who I am. They are aware of what I have been aware of for a long time now. I truly feel 1,000 pounds lighter. At the same time there is still such a heavy burden on my heart for her and for our children - but that has been there all along as well. I fully expect that future days will be difficult for us - but true healing can only begin when we get to the ground-level and start building up. At least we are on the same page now.

Again - thank you to all - and I will try to check in more this week than I have in the past. I have a pretty demanding life…so logging in contributing consistently isn’t very easy most of the time. Until next time, I wish peace and blessings for you all.