About to Step Through the Looking Glass

This is getting real! I've made arrangements for my wife and me to be alone on Sunday morning. I've written out what I want to say. We're getting along well right now, and the time is right to have The Talk. If I don't re-come out on Sunday it will be only because of unforeseen circumstances, or if I chicken out. (That's "re-come" out because I did it 25 years ago before going back into the closet)

 

@quebec, @Nickw , @FooFight54, thanks for your posts. Your support and encouragement means more to me than I can adequately express. It's easy to be away from home and seeing clearly what I need to do, it's quite different to be at home with my family as my Sunday morning date approaches. Your posts may make the difference between me doing what I need to do, or whimping out and living with the status quo. Thanks.

 

Thanks @RogerM! This might not be a good weekend for The Talk after all. We're under mandatory evacuation because of a fire near our home. I'm sure our home will be OK. But the circumstances for an important conversation are not good.

 

Thanks David! One of the things I was sure to take with me when we left the house were the pages on which I had written what I want to say to my wife. One day at a time!

 

Done. Surreal. The evacuation was lifted and we were back home yesterday evening. My wife and I kept our plans to have coffee together at the beach this morning. We found a good place to sit down, chatted for a while, then I hugged her with my eyes closed, experiencing my last moments in the closet. Then I said I had something I wanted to talk about and I pulled out my notes. I read the notes as I had done many times before, this time out loud to my wife. I could hardly believe I was really doing it. I had to struggle through my tears a few times, but I made it.

It went well. Just like 25 years ago, my wife was supportive. She had some questions, like, did I feel I needed to be fully gay? We talked, and it was good.

After a while, a guy with a nice body jogged by on the beach in front of us. I jokingly shielded my eyes as if to avoid seeing him. We laughed, then I cried, and I told my wife that was what this is all about -- I want to be able to acknowledge a pleasant sight like that without feeling like I need to to hide.

I told my wife, in full-disclosure, I'm participating in an on-line support group. She was OK with that, no further justification needed.

It would have been so easy to change my mind and not go through with my plans. It would have been so easy to leave my notes tucked away and just talk about other things for a while. But I didn't, and that's in large part because of the amazing support and insights here on EC. Thanks!

 

Thanks @Nickw ! The pride that is rightly yours is that by being your authentic self you are encouraging others to do the same through active support and encouragement. Since there is no MOM manual, and certainly no one-size-fits-all solution, my wife an I have to keep the conversation alive. It's kind of like rather than doing the tango or the waltz, we'll have to create our own dance.

 

Thank you SiennaFire! I especially like your perspective on personal integrity. It was becoming painfully clear that my lack of authenticity was spilling over into other areas of my life.
=Sevn