A topic I tend to avoid...

Maybe I'm just aromantic, maybe I have a fear of commitment. I remember once in CCD when I was like, 12, the nun said some people are meant to get married and have kids and other people are meant to remain single and all the other kids actually pointed at me. Did that hurt? Sure, but maybe they were right. I'm a mess with a lot of baggage and the last thing I should do is bog somebody down with my problems. I have therapy and medication for that. I'm pretty toxic from what I understand and probably shouldn't be involved with anyone, especially not an emotionally needy member of the opposite sex. Like I said, I'm 32, I've never been in a relationship and I don't think I can find one even if I try. I don't drive a car and that's a deal breaker for most people, especially in my area where everyone's superficial as all hell. I don't have any problem with gay people who are romantically involved with each other, I just can't imagine myself in that kind of scenario. I'd laugh at myself if I were and it wouldn't be a really funny laugh, it'd be an "oh my God, what the hell am I even doing?" kind of laugh.

 

I can understand those feelings. But can you honestly say you think things would be any better with a woman?

 

What I've been trying to say is that I don't think things would be better with a man OR a woman. I'm 32, I've never been in a romantic relationship and I don't really feel like looking for one at my age. Maybe when I'm in my 50s (if I even live that long) when all the women my age's kids from previous relationships are grown up, but not now. Like I said, the one woman I hooked up with once six years ago tried to make things into a relationship but I cut her out of my life because I didn't want any part of it. Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free? That goes for any gender when it comes to me. I'm not even interested in being fuck-buddies with anybody because that's sort of a relationship.

 

It really sounds like the issues with your sexuality have caused you to pretty much wall yourself up entirely.
I get that. I'm not close to anyone really. If it weren't for my kids and my mother, I'd have nobody. There's times when I think if it weren't for my girls, I could just die and it wouldn't even matter. Life is hard and it can beat you down to hell. But everyone deserves to have that special connection with another human being.
Alot of us that have grown up with same sex desires have been conditioned to think there is something wrong with that. We feel shame, we feel unworthy of love, relationships feel like something meant for others but not for us. That's all bullshit. We all have that basic human right to be loved.

 

I'm loved by my family and a few friends and that's good enough for me. I don't need to complicate my life with romance and all the heartache that comes with it when I've already got enough problems on my plate as it is. I'm not walled up or anything, though I can see how you might think that. I simply lack the energy or desire to do something as difficult as seeking out a romantic relationship. It's hard enough to get into a relationship but it's even harder when that relationship fails. My brother and his wife broke up six years ago and he's still not over her-- she really messed him up. I don't need that happening to me. All I want is peace and a relationship is just going to complicate that peace.