A topic I tend to avoid...

Do you think if you found a decent guy that you would be able to finally be content? I think it's one of those things that just requires some serious self reflection. I have yet to be in a relationship with a guy, so on one hand maybe I'm just speculating. However, I also know every relationship I have had with a woman is one I just happened into. I always felt a missing piece.

 

Im

Glad I tickled you

 

Well, I'm glad you think you finally have control. My Dad taught me that control is an illusion and doesn't really exist, but I don't put much stock into what he says these days because he's a crazy person who gets his news from flat-earthers on YouTube and thinks the Bible is a science book. I can't say I had it worse than you, I was never abused by a man or anything like that. But somewhere along the line my life got twisted out of shape and I haven't been able to put it back together ever since. It's been nine years and I'm still messed up. Maybe you're just more resilient than I am, I don't know but not everyone can just pick up the pieces and get over it and move on.

I have no desire for a relationship with a man. Hookups, maybe, but even then, I'm terrified of getting AIDS so I abstain from hookups because everyone in my area is a filthy animal who hates condoms. One guy I was talking to on a hookup app said "Oh, I'm on PREP, so I don't contract anything and I don't have to wear condoms." I thought, mofo, that's not how it works. Every time I've had sex, even just oral, I get myself tested and it's a nerve-wracking experience that I don't want to have to go through again and again just because nobody in my town or county wants to wear a freaking condom. It's infuriating, my whole area is a hotbed for STDs and it makes me angry.

 

My "therapist" isn't much more than a social worker, don't get me wrong, she's given me some good guidance over the years but her training is limited. I'm below the poverty line in America, I can't afford good therapy or very good care because my country is run by cryptofascist neo-con nuts who worship Ronald Reagan. And like I said, with hookups, I'm not really willing to take that risk anymore because A) there aren't that many good guys near me anyway and B) they don't use condoms when laboratory AIDS is prevalent and I see more and more HIV-positive guys on hookup apps every day. I typically feel bad about myself after any hookup anyway so I just try to avoid them these days.

 

This may not be the case with you at all, but maybe you just have such high mental barriers that you cannot entertain the notion of a relationship with a guy. I can only speak for myself, but for the longest time I figured I just wanted the......male organ. I could never see myself in an actual relationship with a guy. But over time I guess I just allowed myself to contemplate what that would be like.
As I've done so, I've found that while I still can find a woman attractive, I don't really see that kind of relationship as something I'd want to enter into again.
Maybe try taking small steps and kinda picture the type of guy you're attracted to, and just think what it would be like to just spend time together. Nothing sexual, just stuff like riding in the car together and listening to the radio, or laying on the couch together watching Netflix or something.
It's amazing how something I never could've imagined before has now become something I long for more than anything.

 

I can't imagine "just laying on the couch together watching Netflix or something" with another guy. I find the idea of that detestable. If I'm with another gay guy I find attractive, the point of being with him is to screw. I see no other options there. I'm a heteroromantic.

 

Then if you're confident that's what you are........what the hell are you beating yourself up over? Seemingly, by your own words, you don't want a relationship with a guy and just want to fuck them. Accept it and just move on then. Personally I find it odd that "Oh I can suck another guy's dick or fuck his ass.........but I'd NEVER just sit and watch TV with them. Wtf?

 

^^^^^THIS. I cannot even fathom having sex with a subset of people that I find otherwise "detestable".

 

Not trying to come at you, but seriously dude, you're saying you can fuck a guy but you can't just imagine watching TV and hanging out?

 

That's exactly what I'm saying. I can't imagine cuddling with another man in front of the TV like some sort of gay Hallmark card. The thought of that sends my brain into a frenzy. I just can't fathom it for me. If other people want to do that, I don't care, but not me, I could never do that, I don't think.

 

Th

Ej if that's the case it sound likes you should focus on finding a woman you find attractive that will be fine with you fucking the occasional guy. Seriously, it's like you want to fuck guys but you cannot give yourself permission to. So find a girl that is ok with you fucking the occasional dude and you're golden.

 

But honestly, I urge you to really think bout how you feel about guys I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, but really when you think of what would make you TRULY Happy........can you honestly you say you see a woman in your future?

 

I mean, I'm not really looking for a relationship. I've never been in a relationship, I don't know why I should start now at almost 32 years old. Besides, all romantic relationships cost a lot of money, money which I don't want to spend. And besides, dating in your 30s is almost impossible from what I understand. All the women my age have toddlers from previous relationships and I don't have the time, patience or money to be a stepdad or babysitter. I don't see the point in relationships when you can just have a hookup or even a friends with benefits scenario going on. I've only ever been with one woman physically and she tried to make it into a relationship kind of thing and I quickly put an end to it because I didn't like listening to her problems or sitting in the nail salon while she got her nails done-- I don't want to become my father.

 

When I look back at my life, I can see so many signs telling me I'm gay, but because of societal pressure I choked all that shit down. I grew up in the heights of the AiDS epidemic so yeah I worried if I was gay that it was a death sentence. I didn't understand what "gay* meant.
Now, when I think of myself as a gay man, I just think I'm like every other person on the street, the only difference being is that I'd rather spend my life with another guy
There's NOTHING wrong with that. If you like guys, so very what?
If you are a good person to begin with, you will STILL be a good person no matter whom you choose to fuck.

 

This is what I'm trying to say. I spent my whole life fighting against who I was. From my very core, I resisted and I spent my whole life living the way I thought others felt I should. That has gotten me nowhere.
I have a failed marriage in my past. I have several suicide attempts and psychiatric hospitalizations in my past.
I have spent a lifetime trying to chase down something that it seemed society said I should not have.
But what makes it wrong?