1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

17 year old gay wants too marry 45 year old guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by andypand, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. SHACH

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    This is the answer of a sulking child - "you will not let me get what I want? Are you trying to ruin my liiiiiiiiife?" You have proved here that you are not mature as you claim, and therefore, you cannot trust your judgement.

    We are not trying to ruin your life, we're trying to save it.

    You are planning to meet a 45 year old man from the internet you have never met, having promised yourself to him, and will have to lie to your parents about it because they do not approve. I see 2 possible outcomes to this:
    1. BEST CASE SCENARIO: Nicholas is how you say he is and you are fairly happy but you end up losing out on crucial life expereinces which you will regret AND you will end up being entirely dependant on him. The generation gap may start to create some problems in the relationship - you will not fit into his social scene and you will be seperated from any chance of creating your own. And you will not know how to deal with these things. And if you ever feel you need to leave him, or even if AND WHEN AS SOMEONE 30 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU he dies, you will be stunted in development and too dependant to move on.

    2. WORST CASE SCENARIO: You meet this guy, he is not quite how he says, and he has been looking for a gullible childish minor with low self esteem like yourself to abuse. He is a messed up guy and that's why he cannot find someone his own age, and why he thinks it's appropriate to court a 17 year old, and why he would do something as weird and dangerous as to propose to someone her hasn't met. You may not come out alive.​

    Which do I think is more likely? THE LATTER.

    So we have sensibly told you not to go through with marrying this guy. I don't even want you to meet him. That could be the last day of your life.

    You are 17 and you do not have a boyfriend. Let me tell you, there are many 17 year olds straight, bi or gay that have never had boyfriends/grilfriends or at least none that they really loved. This is extra true for most LGBT kids, whether they are out and happy, or are feeling trapped like yourself. Certainly, almost no 17 year olds of any sexualityhave not met the love of their life, and won't until their 20s. And most 17 year olds who focus on something other than gaining these things at such a young age, end up having a rich life that allows them to meet the love of their life and marry and be happy.

    So are you saying that you would rather risk DEATH than live the life of a NORMAL TEENAGER? That is not reasonable. And choosing the path of a normal teenager, does not equal dooming yourself to misery.

    What I suggest is that you work hard at college and apply to university away from your parents. You do not need money to go to university - you can get a grant for both fees and accomodation. This is the easiest way to move away from your parents as soon as possible, and be able to live your authentic self as a gay man. If you are not at all academic, I suggest you apply for jobs. Lots of jobs. And get yourself money to be independant.

    However, your emotional state may make it difficult for you to wriggle out of this situation with your parents where you feel trapped. I'm sure it's all a bit overwhelming for you. You need support. We will support you with your issues with your parents, your religion, etc. here on EC. But you may need some professional help. You can get that for free. This website provides free online counselling on weekday evenings until 10pm to British teenagers like ourselves: https://www.kooth.com/ I have found the counsellers on here to be very helpful and thoughtful.

    Please, focus on building your future and becoming emotionally and financially independant before jumping into a relationship. You do not know what will happen if you make this decision in a haze of dispair and in a position of total vulnerabilty and dependance. Choose the path of a happy normal teenager and wait for love, and ensure yourself life happiness, not misery.
     
    #21 SHACH, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  2. robclem21

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2011
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    Again, sorry to be harsh, but this little temper tantrum response and exaggeration of the circumstances, is that of a child. It shows your immaturity and reinforces that you are not ready for this type of step in your life.

    Nobody here said anything about leading a fake life and not following your desires or wishes to be with a man and lead a happy life. However making a rash decision to marry a guy much much older without much thought simply because he is "educated" and "lives in London" should not fall into that plan.

    There are educated people who will be your age with similar goals and life experience (not to mention more emotionally stable) who will be attracted to you, and you can move to London on your own when you are ready without marrying this guy. There are ways to get what you want through good choices.

    Also: Great post above! Very solid advice. Well said SHACH!
     
    #22 robclem21, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  3. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    In any case, there's going to be a huge power imbalance. Somebody nearly 30 years older than you is always going to "know better", have more life experience, and until you've really matured it just isn't a good idea.
    I really don't mean to sound patronising, I'm only a year older than you myself, but please remember that you're barely even legal, let alone ready to go into an adult's life with a 45 year old. There are so many important life experiences that you would completely miss out on if you rushed into marriage, and therefore into life as an adult.

    On a less mature note, dude, that is like me marrying one of my dad's friends. Please think this through.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 10:36 AM ----------

    Also you go, SHACH, four for you - good advice there.

    (OP - how much do you actually know about marriage? Sorry if you've addressed this before and I missed it, but if you're under 18 then you cannot legally marry without your parents' consent, at least not in the UK.)

    If you and Nicholas are truly, really in love, then you can wait another ten years to get married. My parents knew each other for over 20 years before they tied the knot (sure, different circumstances and all - they're only 18 months apart - but still. The point is, true love will last and wait for you).
     
    #23 Gunsmoke, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  4. theskylitup

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2015
    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NW Indiana
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    To be quite blunt, if you can't handle being told that this is not a good idea without a temper tantrum, then there is no way you are mature enough to make a decision like this.
    You're 17, you have a whole life ahead of you and I'm absolutely sure that you won't be alone forever. Just be a teen now, and these things happen later on down the line. You still have so much to experience. Maybe you and Nicholas really are in love, but just wait. Get to know him way better (and in a physical sense) than you do right now. In any circumstance, marrying a man that you've never even met is not exactly a wise choice.
    People around our age often think that they know so much, that they're wise beyond their years. Yet when mature things like this come into play, they're proven otherwise. Just don't jump into marriage with a man almost 30 years older without putting much thought into it.
     
  5. YuriBunny

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    I'm an introvert; I live in my head.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It doesn't sound like you've known him for long enough to be engaged, even regardless of the age difference. Don't rush things. Marriage is a huge commitment; you need to be taking it more seriously. You should really get to know someone very well before deciding to spend the rest of your lives together. And, you should probably wait until you're older anyway.

    (*hug*)
     
  6. AmyBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2016
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Japan
    Why did you ask this if you didn't want to know? You're very young so I will give you some more information that may be helpful. If you've made a decision to do something and you don't care what other people think then you just either make an announcement and leave it alone or you don't tell anyone and you just do it. If you ask for people's opinions, many times those opinions will not be the same as yours. And if you're telling everyone this information because you're in need of affirmation then maybe you're not as sure about this thing as you seem to think you are.

    You think this guy is perfect for you and you think he's the only one for you. When I was your age I was convinced of the same thing about another person. I had to be with that person or die alone. Guess what? I ended up never dating that person but instead a lot of other people and the person I'm with now is like the 50th person I've dated. And we're together for the long run. I had a lot of fun and heartbreak dating all those other people and learned a lot and all that prepared me for this relationship. And even IT may not be the final one.

    To be completely honest, when I first read your post, I heard all kinds of warning bells and the thing about your only having recently met him online just set off even more. People had already addressed those concerns so I just wanted to back them up without lecturing you. I was also pretty sure you were going to freak out and get really angry when you read everyone's responses and they weren't what I was pretty sure you wanted to hear-- "Go for it, he's a dreamboat!"

    And that exact temper tantrum you threw when you pretended it was advice you were after and you didn't get the support and congratulations you really wanted has me 99.999% convinced this guy is a complete and total liar, that he's leading you on and feeding you a big fat story, and I'm rounding that down .001% for the sake of your feelings. And like some other people wrote, your angry response doesn't exactly make a strong case for your own maturity and ability to judge situations.

    No one told you to fake marry and live a lie. That's a pretty bad idea, too. As bad as marrying some old guy you don't even know.

    Grow up, move out of your family's house, get an education and meet some other people around your age and date them before you decide this one anonymous Internet stranger who is way way way too old for you is the be-all/end-all of love and you commit the rest of your life either to him or to living a sham. You're way too young to make these decisions. You need seasoning.
     
    #26 AmyBee, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  7. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    To add to AmyBee's point, about a year ago I met a girl online, and for a few months I thought she was amazing. We never ran out of things to talk about, she seemed to actually like me and didn't treat me as somebody else's shadow, she thought I was pretty, and I was convinced that one day we would meet in real life. Does that sound familiar?

    What happened in the end? Well, I realised that our shared interests were limited to a few TV shows, as people we in fact had nothing in common - total opposite personalities and very different values and beliefs meaning that we disagreed with one another on serious issues more often than not - and I was basically a substitute until the guy she liked asked her out.

    In case you're not seeing my point - if there's somebody online that you really haven't known for that long, despite how you feel now, you really can't know them that well at all. Give it a few months, and if the cracks in your apparently perfect relationship don't start to appear, I will be very, very shocked. Assess the situation now, wait till the "honeymoon phase" is over, and assess it again.

    I'm not saying that every experience will end like mine did, but put it this way: I was the same age as this girl, and this man is nearly thirty years older than you. At your age, it will be impossible to bridge that gap in maturity and development, and as I said before, you will likely end up with a massive power imbalance in your relationship because of this, which simply isn't healthy at all. You are talking about not only spending your life with a man you barely know, but also with a man much older than you, with nearly 30 years more life experience.
     
    #27 Gunsmoke, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  8. andypand

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    london
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Once more again I would like to thank you all for your replies. I completely understand that most of the responses were from members who geninunely cared for my safety, I would like to both applaud and thank them for this. However what I find to be absolutley ludicrous is after just simply expressing my feelings, my true desires, I was shunned and told that my expression of feelings is proof of my immaturatiy, this for me is completley and wholly insensate. Not that I want this thread to continue for much longer, putting aside the insults to myself and intellingence, I would like to address those who seem to suggest that Nicholas is a peadophile. It is true that I can not be sure that Nicholas has no interior motives, whoever that said can one ever be truly sure that the guy they are 'getting in to bed with' has no interior motives. To add to this Nicholas has been very calm in the way he has chatted to me, never once had he asked me when I will go down to London, my phone number or even any other pictures of myself, the only picture which Nicholas posseses of myself is a face picture. Is all of this ususual peadophilic behaviour? Nonetheless, I would like to sincerley appologise for troubling everybody and thank them for their responses,
    Goodbye
     
  9. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Mate, no offence but you can't ask for people's honest opinions and then get angry when they're given to you.
     
  10. robclem21

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2011
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    Three things here:

    1. Nobody ever said that your expression of emotions was a sign of immaturity. In fact, I strongly believe that being able to show emotion is a strong sign of maturity. However, your expression of emotion was not a thought-out, controlled, expression of how you felt about the situation, but an over-exaggerated outburst of ideas and thoughts that made no sense. That type of expression IS immature. Similar to rushing into a major life decision.

    2. Nobody here has been insulting you or calling you unintelligent. Simply, we are saying that you need to reconsider your choices and spend a little bit more time thinking things through. Something that is easier to do from the outside, but not less important for you. Also happens to be a quality that comes with experience and maturity.

    3. Nobody said he was a pedophile, but you have to understand that as you normally age, your attraction changes and it is common for people of a certain age to be attracted to those of a similar age. His attraction to kids your age (yes you are still a child even though you are LEGALLY above the age for sex), is concerning and raises a lot of questions about why he is unable to attract men his own age, who also have good jobs and likely much more in common with him. Calling him a pedophile would be premature and is not likely, but this is the type of situation that creepy men use to their advantage. Kids with poor self esteem who are looking for love.

    Emotional and psychological manipulation can happen of months and years. He doesn't need nude photos of you for him to be taking advantage of you. He is using your neediness, vulnerability, and emotional instability (and situation with your family) to get you to do things he wants (such as marry him and move to London). Just because he didn't do it the day you met doesn't make it okay. I would again, caution you to be very careful with how you proceed, instead of blatantly disregarding good advice from what appears to be a unanimous population.

    Another sign of growing up is realizing when you have made a mistake and take steps to fix it before its too late. Please don't think we are teaming up against you. Instead, take some time and really think about what we are saying.
     
  11. KingJude

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2014
    Messages:
    182
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    :eusa_clap

    This, this, this.
     
  12. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No offense meant, but not having a serious boyfriend or girlfriend is the life of a normal teenager. Sure, some teens date around but it rarely, if ever, lasts into a successful long term marriage. You find relationships like that in your 20's, so you have to be patient. They will come.

    I have experience with this. My first relationship was when I was 14, on an online relationship with a girl that was 17 almost 18. It was no where near the age gap you state, but emotionally it was the same problem. The gap in life and maturity between us was too huge, and she ended up taking advantage of me (Luckily, not physically, just emotionally). It was something hard for me to get over and I never thought I would find love again. Of course, I was like you and thought she was amazing and perfect. She knew how to sweet talk me and I was too naive to see the truth. You don't know if this will happen to you, and I guarantee it might, especially if you haven't known this guy long.

    My second relationship happened when I was your age (17). Yet another online started relationship, but this time with someone the same age. Well, it didn't last at all, even though there were no emotional problems, we were just teens who couldn't commit. That's all.

    I don't think people are trying to be harsh and gang up on you. But maturity comes with growth, experience, and an ability to recognize mistakes and take advice without offense. The passive-aggressiveness in your post indicate you are not mature enough to make this decision, and that's not an insult. Teens SHOULD be immature. It helps them grow. But we have to recognize what it is.
     
  13. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City

    Um, I'm not so sure you actually got proposed to. Sounds like something an older guy would say in the pursuit of getting into a younger guy's pants. Sounds like he probably figured out your insecurities and played into them, and said "I want to marry you" figuring you'd be willing to meet him/sleep with him because of that. Given the short nature of your relationship, I highly doubt he was actually proposing marriage. And if he was, that's a pretty huge red flag by itself, even if there wasn't an age gap.
     
  14. JAA1297

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Buddy,

    I'm gay, I'm Muslim, and I'm your same age. I know what it's like with your parents. I've fallen in love with other guys. I've never had a relationship. You cannot possibly love someone from just a small avatar on an online chat website. Love is not just physical. Even from a physical perspective, you cannot be attracted from just one small picture. Love is physical attraction coupled with an emotional attachment. It takes years to find the one. There's a famous phrase about love -- that love is one soul occupied by two bodies. How could you possibly see his soul from chatting with him online? He's going to use you. He's going to do something bad to you and I know I've never been in your situation but you really can't do this to yourself. Speaking to you as a peer, as someone the same age as you and in a very similar family and social situation -- you can't hurt yourself like this. You can't rush into marriage. You have to meet people, fall in love, get hurt by love, to truly know what you want. To truly have a happy life, you have to search, get lost, and find your way back to the path. Please.
     
  15. AmyBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2016
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Japan
    Uh huh. This stuff is what practically everyone making a major life mistake says right before they wreck themselves. If this "perfect" guy isn't talking to a lot of other teens just like you and making them feel special because only he is capable of loving them despite their "flaws" or else in a het marriage with kids even at the same time he's feeding you this grooming nonsense I will be majorly surprised.

     
  16. thewizard

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2015
    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    First off, I think the fact that you even had to go online to ask if this relationship was "okay" lets me know you know it's wrong in the first place. Second, the idea of marriage at seventeen is the dumbest idea I've ever heard, let alone to a forty some year old man. Just because you have insecurities and non accepting parents does not give you the excuse to give yourself to some stranger you've just met on the internet. Yes, I know being the lonely gay kid can be really hard at times, but that doesn't give you the excuse to throw yourself around (I know you say he hasn't asked you for sex, but you can't be he victim in life). If you only look at the negative aspects of your life, you'll get absolutely nowhere. Learning how to deal with the negative aspects of life is part of growing up. Now, I'm going to address some of your replies. Yes, you did act very infantile in your reply to many of the people that gave you very important, obvious, life advice you asked for. Making another response with words you looked up on the imternet doesn't cover up the fool you've been making of yourself. So, several life tips, quit playing the victim because it gets old real fast, if you ask for advice you better know how to take it and finally if you have to ask if something is wrong it probably is. I know this is supposed to be a place for acceptance, but you really need a wake up call. There are so many other people out there and you don't need to rush into any relationship. Whoever said being single was a bad thing clearly didn't know what they were thinking about. You need to learn how to love yourself before you can love another person.
     
  17. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,450
    Likes Received:
    3,288
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think many of the salient points have been covered, but I'll address one issue, which is the issue of intent.

    Many older men who prey on young guys are extremely sophisticated in their approach. They will act totally like your best friend, your most trusted confidant. They will spend months, even years grooming their prey. During that time, they'd never do anything to pierce the persona. I think there's an extremely high likelihood he's in this category. I also think you are not the first person he's done this with (though he'd be unlikely to admit this to you.)

    The other possibility is that he's incredibly needy and has no self esteem and isn't emotionally healthy... the only other plausible explanation why a 45 year old guy would be so excited about being with a 17 year old. This makes for a very unhealthy, codependent, manipulative relationship.

    And I 100% agree that rushing into anything, particularly with some guy you've only met online, and the first guy you've ever been with... is an absolutely terrible idea, and comes from a place of scarcity and unworthiness. As the poster above me said, you cannot love anyone else until you learn to love yourself, and you can't really be happy being in a relationship until you can learn to be happy being single.