1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

17 year old gay wants too marry 45 year old guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by andypand, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. andypand

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    london
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    In the United Kingdom the age of consent is 16 and the minimum age for marrige in Scotland is 16. I am 17 ( I see myself as being Mature, Cultured and aware) year old gay guy who has met a lovely, amazing 45 year old guy. This person is brilliant and has asked me to marry them I have told him of course. What are members views on this? Is the age gap too large?
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be totally honest, I suspect this is going to be (and may already be) a less-than-healthy situation.

    Of course, as you say, nobody's doing anything illegal in terms of age of consent laws, but I think it's worth considering that the gap is large enough that the possibility needed to be looked into and defended in the first place. Plus, if this person were in a position of trust over you, then it actually wouldn't be legal yet (UK requires 18 years in such a case), so in any event it's still uncomfortably close to the edge.

    I've no doubt that you may be mature, but at 17, there are simply going to be a lot of life experiences that you won't have had yet, and a lot of interests/needs that you have or might want to explore that your partner might no longer want to, or might be past. Plus I'm assuming that he's going to be approaching this with a lot of experience in relationships that will have established his expectations, whereas you may be forming yours still, and if he's the only one saying what's normal and what's not in the relationship, that denies you a lot of chances to figure that out for yourself.

    Also, I'm wondering how long you've known each other?

    I'm not saying you haven't thought of any of this, but I'd strongly suggest rethinking the situation. If you're coming to ask opinions of others, then I suspect part of you feels like this may not be the right call anyway.
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,450
    Likes Received:
    3,288
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be really blunt, this would be an absolutely terrible idea.

    An emotionally healthy 45 year old is not going to want to marry someone almost 1/3 of his age. So what this means is... this is someone who isn't emotionally healthy.

    Additionally, no matter how mature you are, the differences between a 45 year old and a 17 year old... it's too large a gap in too many ways... emotional, psychological, life experience, career, income... just about everything else.

    I totally concur with Gravity that this is really something you should rethink.
     
  4. Stewie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2016
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC - Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My first question is how long have you been together ? way too many couples rush into marriage, my grad class was 200+(granted I don't keep in contact with everyone) but we had our 20 year reunion and one of the topics everyone was talking about was the divorce rate, it was even a question for a door prize.... There's was only 3 grads out of 100+ people that showed up who hadn't been divorced at least once, and most of them were divorced within 10 years after grad. Don't matter gay or straight it's not something to be rushed ever. Everyone thinks there relationship is the exception... Think on it before you make any plans.

    And i don't nessasarily think it's the age gap that's the problem at 28 years, if you were 28 and he was 56, I would say congrats. But your 17. Seventeen, that's young dude, you should experience some more life before you make this level of commitment.
     
  5. sebes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Male
    id only say take it slow. 30 years is quite a gap but it is not insurmountable. me and my bf have a 12 year gap. there are some annoyances because of it but we manage. my recommendation is to have a long engagement. best of luck to you!
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,450
    Likes Received:
    3,288
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is a world of difference between a 12 year gap and a 30 year one. It also depends on the age of the younger person. Once the younger person is in his or her later 20s (27-28 typically) then the age gap starts to matter less. For a 17 year old, there's no way it can be healthy.
     
  7. AmyBee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2016
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Japan
    Not a good idea for the reasons already spelled out by everyone else.
     
  8. Shorthaul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2016
    Messages:
    1,385
    Likes Received:
    197
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't want to bash the older guy as I do not personally know him. But that is really kind of creepy. Some would call it robbing the cradle levels of creepy. He was 28 when you were born, so he is old enough to be your dad.

    I don't know either of you, but that situation is just waving all kinds of red flags.
     
  9. AlmostBlue

    AlmostBlue Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Yes I have to echo others that this is a terrible idea...A 45 year old in a healthy mind set will not ask a 17 year old to marry him.
     
  10. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,394
    Likes Received:
    104
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That's a little... creepy. Out of all the choices he has, why does he go for someone (barely) legal? Are you that mature and exceptional, or does he have something less than equal in mind?
     
  11. sonnentanz

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2016
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MN
    I'm not going to say "I know better and you shouldn't do this", but I will tell you my personal experience with differences just in life phases causing problems.

    One of my exes was 23 when I was 19, which was when we started dating. I was fresh out of high school, struggling with my confidence, and unsure of myself going off to culinary school. He had his degree, a stable job, etc. He'd already done all of that and wanted to take the next logical step in life after about a year and a half, which for him was settling down in a relationship and discussing the possibility of marriage with someone he loved.

    The last thing I wanted when I was sweating through classes I didn't truly know if I wanted was to talk about marriage and closing a semi-LDR, which was more commitments, more change, and more work. There was no pressure on me to give up college, don't get me wrong, but having to discuss these things as a serious potential future with someone already long past my personal struggles at the time was a pressure in itself. Needless to say, it added a lot of tension and contributed to the drifting and eventual breakup.

    When you go off to college, get your first full-time job, etc, these are all major life-changers that you're going to have to take your time with. A 45-year-old is so far past them, working on other things in their life, that they may not even remember quite what it was like. Someone that age who's gotten all those things out of the way is likely going to be focused on settling down into a happy relationship, but they've cleared a lot of personal and financial hurdles that a 17-year-old hasn't even encountered yet. They can offer you support, but as a relationship partner they have their own needs that might ultimately be incompatible.

    Marriage can seem romantic, but it's also a lot of work and keeping a relationship healthy takes a time, energy, and personal growth commitment. You don't just ride off into the sunset and stay in love forever the way you were the day you met. Strongly consider this in terms of what your foundation is as a relationship and any pressure it's going to put on either of you to meet in the middle.
     
    #11 sonnentanz, Jul 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
  12. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It is a terrible idea for the reasons listed above. And I think you subconsciously know this yourself or why else would you even ask us?

    I'm 29 and I couldn't even imagine even dating, let alone marrying, anyone younger than 24 and even then I would consider it twice. I'm sure even you would find it objectionable if a 45-year-old guy wanted to marry a 17-year-old girl so why should gay relationships be any different for that matter?
     
  13. love23cali

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2016
    Messages:
    155
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
  14. robclem21

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2011
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    To me, this is another part of the thread that everyone has ignored. Sadly, no matter what you think, at 17 this is not true. I don't know a single 17 year old that is as mature, cultured, and aware as they think they are.

    You may have some certain experiences over others, but just because you think this, doesn't make it true. You have barely finished high school and have known just the tiniest amount of what it means to be a mature, responsible, "cultured" adult. And believe me, if you are marrying someone over 30 years your senior, you are not as aware as you think you are.

    I would advise some serious introspection here because you're not as unique and mature as you think you are and when you figure out you still have a lot of exploring left to do in life, youre gonna regret being stuck with someone who has no interest in taking that journey with you (because its not always a fun journey and he's done it all 20+ years ago).
     
    #14 robclem21, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  15. andypand

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    london
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi, thank you all for your replies. Ok I will now go ahead and answer all the questions you raised. I will be honestablished with u all we only recently met online. He is a lovely guy very sexy and he doesn't care that I'm on the chubby side, only that he feels I have a 'good heart in this rubbish world'. After chatting for a while he came out and said he would like to marry me, I said I seriously would. I do realise the huge age difference, but I'm lucky to find a sexy but also non superficial guy like him and as I mentioned before I feel that I am mature enough and have experiencedone enough of the world for it to be a great problem.
     
  16. robclem21

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2011
    Messages:
    724
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    This is a terrible idea, and this post confirms everything everyone has said. It sounds like you are marrying this guy because "you are lucky to find someone who loves you". Sounds like your confidence is poor and you're using this guy to fix that. It sounds like you hardly know each other, and I'm sorry, but you are NOT mature enough for these problems to be avoided.

    You may have answered the questions people have asked here, but none of those answers are enough to change anyone's mind here because they don't support good reasons for marriage.

    To be honest, you're going to regret this decision. Sorry for the harsh truth.
     
    #16 robclem21, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  17. andypand

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    london
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Ok again Thank You for the huge amount of advice poster my all members. Unfortunately for Nicholas (the guy in question) and myself I will follow the advice you have so strongly and 'harshly' given to me and instead now spend the entirety of my life in Misery, missing out the amazing opportunities and the experiences I would have had being with Nicholas. Nicholas for me is perfect, not only because of the previously mentioned reasons but also because he is educated and works in a very stable profession, as an investment banker in the city of London (it is a dream/wish of mine to move to London).

    If due to your advice I am unable to follow my own desires and wishes, I will at least follow those of my parents who like myself are Muslims and like most Muslims cannot accept a gay son. So I will go ahead and lead fake life, marry a woman who I have absolutely no attraction to whatsoever etc...
     
  18. Chinaski

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2016
    Messages:
    87
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    The North.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, just because you're not marrying a guy 30 years older at the age of 17 it doesn't mean you'll be alone forever and that life will be miserable. You're 17 years old and you (hopefully and most likely) have plenty of time to meet someone else in the future.
     
  19. KingJude

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2014
    Messages:
    182
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    I can only agree with everyone else and stress their points further. The age difference isn't even the problem - it's your age. 17 (as I know) is definitely an age at which you might feel ready to make huge life decisions like this, but ultimately unless you take a rational approach this simply isn't true. I understand the dichotomy between head and heart and you seem to be saying that the 'heart' option is informed by the 'head' - but I promise you it isn't. Don't do it - for your sake and Nicholas'.
     
  20. White Knight

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2014
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Istanbul, TR
    Don't be so negative. I am Muslim and gay as well and have no intention of getting into a fake marriage. You are still too young. Keep playing possum till you have your own financial freedom then live the life you want. Be true to God and be true to yourself. If you feel so hopeless and despair, remind yourself one day your time will come.

    Never ever think people are showing you pity by interesting in you just because you are " on a chubby side". Attraction comes in many forms. What attractive to me might not be attractive to you or vice versa.

    Your situation is also provide perfect situation for creeps. They are very common in here, Turkey. Trick young men to do things for them, like naked selfies to one time sexual encounters then blackmail them into do things they don't want... some try to get money some force them to "entertain" their friends etc. So try to play safe till you have enough experience with people online. Those poor children either have to come out and go to police or do more drastic things like ending their lives.

    Stay safe. (*hug*)