Is sexuality fixed from birth or does it change later in life?

Yeah I am definitely more turned on by the actual physical contact with women than I am by just looking at them & thinking of them.

I have a long term male partner, we’ve been together for about 6 years, casually to begin with but more serious in the last couple of years. The sex is great, he satisfies me physically as well as the best women have and better than most. He’s about 10 years older than me and is in really good shape, 6ft 1. He played rugby for a long time and now coaches, as well as doing a physical job. He’s very good looking too, nice eyes, nice hair, nice smile, he looks after himself and doesn’t look his age. Abs, shoulders, arms, thighs all really do it for me. He has a shower in his bedroom and I can’t help watching. I love feeling the power in his body. The only slight disappointment about the sex is not getting the same pleasure from giving as I do when giving to a woman. It always feels like it’s very much in his control when he finishes, it might be my body that gets him there but he’s the one in control. He is always focussed on me, maybe sometimes I’d prefer him to be a bit more focussed on himself and let me do it. To him, oral is foreplay but with women it’s kinda the main event, but slower and for longer. I never liked giving head to a guy when I was younger but as I’ve got older and more used to it with women, I’ve gotten to enjoy it with him too. When I’m with a girl my attitude to her is probably similar to how he is with me, I’m definitely more of a giver than a receiver. That is maybe our only slight incompatibility, but it works far better than two people who prefer receiving would.

The only other thing I’ll say about my attraction is that I’m always attracted to him, but it gets more intense depending on the time of the month. With women it’s there all the time, maybe at a lower level but more constant.

 

Sorry to hear, that is an awful thing to happen.

Do you have better friendships with men than women also? As a teenager I had a few close female friends but got on better generally with guys. I found them to be more laid back and easygoing, there was never any bitching behind people's backs. The banter was a lot better too. I am a pretty jokey sort of person so I fit in well with the lads. But as I've gotten older I've found it hard to hold onto friendships generally. Never really made any lasting friendships while in university, male or female. But I think it was because I was always chasing after girls. I have a couple of reasonably good friendships with women which are totally platonic and then a few more which have either been sexual at some point or still are but despite that there is also friendship. I have found it difficult to manage the emotional needs of some of my previous girlfriends, quite a few fell in love with me and I was just never in that place where I could see a relationship being a possibility.

 

I can only speak from personal experience but I just assumed I was straight for most of my life, despite masturbating to men sometimes. As I got into my 30’s I discovered that gay porn, photos of men without many clothes on and gay erotic stories turned me on. As time went on I lost interest in any of those if they had women in them but I still wasn’t aware that I might be gay. At some point I looked back and wondered if my lack of arousal during sex with women could have been because I was gay? Later still, I began to picture the girl was a man while I had sex with her and that helped me stay aroused and finish. I have still only had a few experiences with men but they were good and exciting. I believe the reason it took such a long time to come to any sort of realization about my sexuality is purely from heteronormative programming that we almost all have from birth. I was taught to be disgusted by anything gay or queer. Society has changed somewhat and now I am much more accepting of the fact that I do have same sex attraction but it’s still a battle.

 

I'm more into male-type activities, like working in cars, riding motorcycle, target shooting, construction, etc. I been a tomboy my whole life. Men tend to like me bc I'm pretty, I look like a girly girl. I get along better with males bc I can't stand emotional or gossipy females. My deceased gf wasn't gossipy, but she was girly (and gorgeous). I like that my husband isn't intimidated by me, because I have more male-dominated hobbies. But, I have girly hobbies too (arts and crafts).

 

I kinda worry I've been doing this without knowing it the whole time and I've been repressing or something myself for years and it would suck if I found that out because I thought I genuinely liked my ex

 

I'm not 100% convinced that sexual orientation is fixed at birth and can't change over time. When I was younger I really liked girls. I had no interest in guys until I was in my twenties. Even then, it was just fantasies and I didn't have any interest in looking at guys until my early thirties. I know I had a lot of religious programming and a desire to be normal, but I still had a strong attraction to women so I guess I went through a bisexual phase. My transition to fully realizing I was gay happened gradually over time. Now I have no desire at all for women and can only see myself being with a man romantically and sexually. Were those attractions to women just suppression and denial? It sure didn't feel like it at the time. I think we still don't fully understand human sexuality and that's ok.

 

Exactly my experience. So true.

 

I think way more people are bi than will admit it. Both straight people and gay people.

Put it this way - I like chicken and I like steak. But I really prefer steak. I pretty much never buy chicken because when I’m at the shop because there’s always steak, and why would I buy the thing I like less? I think sexuality is probably similar. How common is it for straight people to go gay in prison? If the choice was no sex, or sex with the gender you find least appealing, how many people would choose no sex? I think most people’s need for intimacy would be stronger than their preferences for one gender over another.

 

I have heard some gay guys say they didnt like giving it in first but then started to enjoy it. I can see that and I can see that with bi people but I don't think a straight guy could ever start to 'like' giving a blow job.

Very few people are '100%' though I have heard of studies that men are more likely be either straight or gay. Many gay men here had sex with women for years and sometimes even enjoyed it but still identify as gay.

 

Many gay men here report they sometimes still get 'excited' when they see a really beautiful woman. I still get this occasionally, but I realized I could never sexually fantasize or get sexually aroused, despite being super curious about touching them, and looking back when younger and I did get to be with a woman that 'excited' me I still wasn't getting the deep sexual arousal. I agree that human sexuality is complicated and we dont' fully understand it yet. When trying to 'wonder' why I was gay or had gay feelings, one theory I had is that It could be the 'wiring' is different for gay guys - the attraction to a fertile female form (the desire to reproduce) is still there but the sexual wiring just isn't connected.

 

Lots of people are probably 90/10 or 80/20 one way or another. A slight attraction can be easily ignored. Also, lots of people are just picky! I am very picky with men and quite picky with women. And people get bored too. For about two years I didn’t go near men, I just had no interest until all of a sudden I met a guy I was interested in. Still don’t feel 100% comfortable with the bisexual label.

 

I heard a lot of people here say the same about 'the label'. I might am probably one of those 80-90% gay men - going back to your chicken/steak, yes I can 'eat' chicken but it doesn't do anything for me. But when I was beginning to finally accept myself bi never felt right. I was either straight with a problem or gay. I tried on the label and it just didn't fit. On the other hand, I was totally unprepared for the profound experience of going to the mirror, looking myself in the eye and saying "I am gay". I never expected it to have the impact it did but I guess it was releasing years and years of repression and denial.

Also like many gay men here, I experienced a rapid loss in any interest in women or even wishing I could get aroused by women.

 

Labels suck. I would quite happily ditch them all together but its convenient for people to know in a single word what you might be interested in.

 

Despite around 95% of my sexual partners being female I still don't think of myself as bisexual, 'straight' feels like it fits me and how I see my life going forward. Other labels have a ton of baggage and associations. I've never tried saying it to myself in front of a mirror though. But I've never felt any real anxiety about having to define myself. Its difficult to explain to friends, particularly female ones. I sometimes think they're the strange ones by intentionally missing out on great experiences. Especially as most women find attractive women sexy.

 

All reputable studies on sexual orientation consistently indicate the same thing. Our sexual preferences are inherent, ingrained within us from birth. However, this doesn't mean that we will always have a clear understanding of our sexuality or follow a direct path towards it. It's important to recognise that external influences such as family, community, and society can strongly influence us to deny or suppress our feelings. Additionally, it's worth noting that we may not always be consciously aware of this denial or repression, which can operate at a subtle level until something or someone triggers a significant "crisis" regarding our sexuality.

Many individuals seek specific childhood or puberty events that could potentially explain the causes of same-sex attraction. However, the vast body of evidence overwhelmingly suggests that there is no identifiable cause for being attracted to the same sex. It is simply a natural aspect of some people's innate makeup, and that's perfectly acceptable.

Let's not go down rabbit holes over this issue.

 

I agree! I despise labels. I don't care if someone misgenders me, either (it's happened a few times). I don't flaunt my sexuality, or go to extravagant lengths to look a certain way, or define myself. I'm too old for that crap. I am who I am, amongst 8 billion other people. If people like me, cool. If they don't, oh well, not my problem.

 

In my case, I'm sure it was beaten and bullied into me between the ages of 9-16. I may already have been bi, anyway, but it's impossible to know. I know my experiences made me deeply submissive. And it is from that perspective where 80%+ of my attraction/identity now comes from.

 

I totally understand your feeling and a lot of people here feel that way. But also many, especially gay, find the label helpful, especially after years of repressing identity. Its not something I share as defining me, its something I use with myself to help construct my identity after years of denial.
After years of writing off feelings, trying to 'fix' them, it feels very energizing to embrace them.

After years of telling myself I wasnt' something, it helps to reaffirm that I am.
Am I 100%? 'gay'? No. Is it possible some woman can come along that I would be attracted to? Possibly, but not enough of a chance to be meaningful in any way.

 

I think all of society, straight, gay women, and of course straight men, universally find attractive women alluring. Look at all the gay women's fashion designers. Women might be the symbols of sex and fertility and sensuality and that might confuse gay men in denial or repression or just 'programming' , when they don't feel attraction + sexual arousal.

 

I am not saying you do this but a lot of people seem to conflate bottoming, giving oral as 'submissive' and there are some who like to see it that way and there is nothing wrong with that. I see these acts as intimate and sensual, and when I give oral to man it actually doesn't feel submissive at all, it actually feels like I am the one with all the power and control. Think what an act of trust that is to have a very sensitive part of ones body in another persons' mouth.Though I definitely look for signs from my partner -if starts to moan I might continue what I am doing, I driving the whole act.