Is sexuality fixed from birth or does it change later in life?

It’s an interesting point. In my own experience I assumed I was straight for most of my life but have discovered that I’m not. In fact I think I’m probably gay and had just suppressed that side of myself for a long time. So that means I was always gay but am only now realising it. It’s hard to overstate how much denial can influence people, I know it did for me.

 

Do we think sexuality can be influenced by experiences during puberty/growing up? If someone fools around with a same-sex partner when growing up, is that more likely to mean they become gay or bi when they're an adult?

 

There are plenty of gay men here who only dated girls in school, even married one, and finally, decades later, accept that they are gay.
in my personal experience, I did not want to be gay but my desire to have sex with men was way more powerful than any desire for sex with women.
No one taught me and I didn't see anything to learn it but my desire to give blow jobs and receive anal intercourse were almost instinctual. It could be something turned on at puberty for some and maybe something in childhood activates genes? I think the science is still out.

I think its possible for someone to play a straight or bi, or gay role, but not change their innate sexual desires. I think playing straight or a bi person saying they will be monogamous which means they will just have one partner and therefore only act in one sexuality, is more common.

 

I was one of the ones who were completely in denial of my true sexuality until recently, when something happened to make me wake up and see the truth about myself. I always liked looking at women in certain ways, but shoved it away due to the upbringing and the fact a lot of my family members are bigots.

I think it was always there. Hubby said he noticed a few things about me when we started dating over 30 years ago, but I denied it.

I think that our sexuality is there from the start, but what we think is attractive can change over time. I was more into blond guys when younger, now I prefer tall, dark and handsome in men but don't care what hair color a woman has, if I think she's beautiful, she's beautiful.

 

The reason I asked is because I can't remember ever feeling attracted to a girl prior to kissing a girl, sharing a bed etc at the age of 16. And I wouldn't have done that without the influence of alcohol. But after doing it a few times it started to feel more normal and for obvious reasons it was really enjoyable! Before then my sexual experiences were just a couple of boys my own age and they didn't really have a clue. I think if nothing had happened that night I would have had no reason to pursue other women for the last 8 years. I don't think I've ever been in love with a girl and I've never been able to see myself being in a long term relationship with a girl. I wonder how much of my bisexuality is a learned response to enjoyable experiences or is it something that was always part of me?

 

What would this look like?

 

I had a couple of girlfriends suggest that I was gay, but I strongly denied it, even when they were very nice and understanding about it. I just wasn't' ready. The reason I reacted so strongly is because they saw what I was trying to hide.

When I was in denial, I drank and then tried to have sex with a man then got scared. I wasn't ready, but the lack of inhibition created by alcohol helped at least bring those feelings to the surface.

I thought the same about my female partners, but the sexual energy wasn't there because I was just not aroused and actually repulsed by naked females. Only when I had accepted myself and had sex with a man did I realize how natural it should feel.

 

Everyone has different ways of doing that - you can read many stories here especially in the later in life section. From what I have seen here and my own experience was writing off gay fantasies as a kink or fetish or problem, like a bad habit I was trying to get rid of.
A another common denial method which multiple people have posted here was the masturabate to gay fantasies then 'switch' at the last minute to a woman and tell yourself you were really aroused by a woman.
Another was to have sex with a woman, fantasize about a guy -usually this is the only way a gay man can get aroused, but afterwards 'forget' how you fantasized.
Yet another: tell yourself you're not gay because you find women beautiful and no guys on the street arouse you.

Repression and denial are incredibly strong impulses and incredibly deceiving.

 

I didn't mean I wasn't into the guy or wasn't aroused. Just that it wasn't great sex, but what 16 year old guy really knows anything about how a woman's body works? I didn't quite get what I was looking for with a couple of guys but found it with a girl, and just kept going back for more and pretty much forgot about men for a couple of years. I sometimes wonder if I'm some real weird type of bisexual or have some sort of psychological de-coupling between sex and relationships, or maybe I'm not even bi at all and I've just trained my mind to associate pleasure with females. I really can't explain why I've spent such a lot of time pursuing women sexually when I've put basically very little effort into maintaining platonic friendships with girls I've known since I was much younger. Definitely even after the first few times sleeping with my first girlfriend, there wasn't really much pure physical attraction there. We had an intense and fun friendship before things got physical, but I never had a crush on her or anything similar. Like the thought of seeing her body didn't really do it for me, like I had enjoyed thinking about my ex boyfriend's body. And yet any guy would have said she had a perfect body, she really did. What really did it for me was the touch, her hands on me, her mouth on mine, feeling the heat from her breath on my neck, receiving pleasure and giving it back, watching her body respond. Thats what sticks in my memory from those days. My physical attraction to women only really came with time, probably quite a lot of time. When I see a really hot man, the attraction is there straight away. Romantically its always been men too.

 

I understand, I am just saying that is what I was rationalizing with women (she's uptight, there just isn't' chemistry between us) and I was using that for denial.

If you like pleasuring another woman, that sounds pretty sexual. I have heard cases of 'straight' guys liking getting a blow job from a guy because it feels good, but I think it would be a stretch to say "I am a straight guy who likes to give blow jobs"
I don't think its conditioning because I tried and tried and tried to like doing it to women and it just never stuck. I am not saying your experience is mine but, despite years of denial and shame, when I gave my first oral sex to a guy it just felt natural, and I liked giving it more than receiving it from a girl.
Do you like pleasuring men ? is that where the confusion comes from (if there is any ?)

 

I've always found the female body to be a beautiful masterpiece, and the male body repulsive. I'm married to a man, and my gf died from COVID. I haven't been with another female since her. I've kinda got more into God of the Bible and suppressed my lust. Maybe it's a grieving process, I dunno.

 

I like the female body. But, mentally, I prefer men because women are mentally and emotionally annoying.