When I said "I'm gay" I had drank an entire bottle of wine (standard wine bottle size) and ran around in the forest, yelling I'm gay. No other human heard me but forest animals ran away from this silly human yelling his head off.
My answer a year ago would be so much different than my answer today. Since accepting, acknowledging and affirming my homosexuality in the past year, I have peeled away so many layers of internalized homophobia and self-doubt. Looking back on my life, I now know I have been gay since childhood. I always wanted to go to the pool, but my favorite part was not swimming or seeing girls in bikinis — it was being in the locker room and seeing dicks. I didn’t understand why at the time, but now I do. I also loved Freddy Mercury, Elton John, David Bowie, and Barry Manilow. Talk about signs of a well-functioning early gaydar! From my earliest masturbation experiences, I recall thinking about guys and being with them, even before I knew the things men could do together sexually. As I got older and started browsing in bookstores through porn magazines and books like The Joy of Gay Sex, my fantasies intensified. Once I finally experienced gay porn, I never had a use for M2F. I also got into bands like Erasure and the Pet Shop Boys as I honed that gaydar, and oh man did I find Gavin Rossdale so HOT. In spite of all this, I considered myself curious or maybe bi. I dated women, married one, became a dad, and lived a straight life all while fantasizing about men sexually. In my 30s and 40s, these fantasies started allowing for me to think of men as lovers, partners, husbands, and my pleasure intensified. This is the path along which I accepted myself as gay, and finally came out earlier this year, separated and just celebrated 3 months with my first boyfriend, and we met each other’s mom this past mother’s day!
Have you ever had someone ask you just the right question at just the right time? That's what this thread is to me. Who I am is becoming more clear to me as I think about when I first realized. This morning I just remembered how my awakening began sometime in 2017 when I saw a book titled something like, "Not Totally Straight" and I immediately thought, "that's me".
Just take it at the pace you need. I feel like I'm finally ready to be out there and live my full life. But, I'm work I'm still worried that I would be judged in all the harsh ways we know of. The thing that I fear most is ppl just not accepting me because I'm so feminine. I realize now that it is normal to be that kind of person and gender doesn't define sexuality. But, I still don't want to have to answer questions about why I look the way I do and how I have a son and how could I be a lesbian... etc.... It's definitely hard but keep going and enjoy what you have now. It sounds like you're happy in your new relationship.
If I had known anyone gay as a child, I suspect I would have connected the dots well before age 10. But I didn't, and grew up very much wanting a family and children, and with many stern warnings about engaging in STRAIGHT sex, so I had the odd dichotomy of wanting a girlfriend but being afraid to do anything with her, and also having feelings for guys that seemed quite acceptable in my mind! But I was a chunky and unattractive kid, and the guys I now realize were gay never made passes at me, and I remained very unaware. By college I realized I was wildly attracted to guys and only marginally to girls, and had also met enough gay people to have given some thought to my feelings. But the gay people I knew were very stereotypical, and i was not, and it seemed as though gay was more a choice of behavior to them than anything to do with a deep, hard wired orientation. I still wanted a family and eventually did marry, thinking that my feelings for her would override my attraction to guys. It did to a point, but the marriage was not happy, and the worse it got, the less interest I had in her. Eventually I came out, almost more to end the marriage than anything else. I don't remember ever feelng that being gay was a bad thing, just terribly inconvenient in my quest for a family. I've also never felt like I fit in particularly well with the gay community and have been basically a happy outsider, with a partner who feels much the same way.
In early childhood, an older boy and I had sex several times. So fun to experiment, even anal play. Subsequent times, I would touch his curved dick. I introduced him to jerking off by looking at my Dad's Playboys. But, we were horny for girls (or so I thought). I had girlfriends in middle school and high school but never had sex. I fell in love with my personal collection of Penthouse and Hustler magazines. My sex addition began at this point. In college, I was looking at Hustler and noticed this HOT naked man on top of the women. He looked so sexy, I wished he was on top of me! My addiction grew to gay videos and magazines. But I knew I couldn't be gay. I had to be straight to be accepted by my parents and friends. Up thru my mid 30s, I never had a serious girlfriend and my parents took notice. Mom, "I think our son is gay!" I had to hide it and deny it. Finally, I found a girl and married at 35. We had our first born a year later. I was sure hoping that marriage would cure me of this gay disease. Fifteen years later, I told my wife that I sexually liked guys. I entered Sex Addiction therapy to cure my porn usage. But, my wife felt something was strange / wrong with me. Why am I not chasing her sexually like a caged animal? Are you gay? I would answer NO, I'm just struggling with my addiction, just give it time. After years of being sober, I admitted that I was bi-sexual to my wife. Last time we had sex, with role playing, I was on the bottom as my wife was on top. I loved it, my wife hated it. With the lack of physical intimacy and my suppressed denial being released, I wake up daily telling myself, "I am GAY". I am so proud and accepting of my new identity. I will remain faithful to my wife but as I age, but I want a LTR with a man. I struggle daily but seek to be authentic. My journey continues...
When I was about 19 I started working in a topless bar. It was exciting and fun but I never really thought about my sexuality. There was a special feature dancer one night and she signed a poster for me that I kept in my apartment. My dad saw it but never said anything. I never really thought I was LGBT at that time. I was always with guys and at that point I didn't have to think about girls sexually until a few years later when I met my husband. Right before I met my husband I was pressured into going down on a girl in front of some guys. I stopped Immediately because it didn't feel right. That probably had mostly to do with that we we're best friends throughout high school. After I met my husband I would sexually think about women during sex. About 6 years ago after 6 years of marriage I decided I wanted a girlfriend while being married. He said no. I was already struggling with my mental health at that point. When he said no I felt so much worse and that's when the suicidal thoughts began. I was hospitalized and while there I met the only girlfriend I have ever had. When I was with her I knew I was LGBT. That's the moment I knew for sure. We broke up and I went back to my husband. We struggled for 6 years to keep the marriage together but now it's over. I don't like people to know I'm LGBT but I know for sure I am.
Many items mentioned in these posts are so spot-on with my own story. I, too, felt ashamed of my feelings. I, too, wanted to have a "normal" life and thought it would perhaps cure me. I, too, cast my eyes downward when I really wanted to check out good looking man who was nearby or very caustiously checked out the other boys in the locker room. This was not spoken outright, but I suspect some of you, like myself also remained in a lousy marriage with a spouse who took very definite advantage of me (financially and in other ways) because the alterative seemed to be that I had admit to myself what I was/am. My regret is that it took so long for me to understand what was happening and what my waiting for so long did to my children.
I posted this before in another thread, but still relevant here. Having moved from straight to bi to more gay, I've found it interesting to think back to the early teen years until present, and try to recall all the times I had an interest in seeing a guy naked and/or fantasizing about him later when in private. Although I had a strong interest in women, I discovered that there was always an attraction to men - at least sexually - that became more frequent and the fantasies more explicit until I decided to act on it for real. Now the fantasies and desire to engage are exclusively male. Not so sure if it was repression as much as an awakening after thinking back through the years, but it was always there, and upon reflection, it also made self-acceptance an easier transition.
Probably around 6th grade I realized that I have attraction towards men only. Growing up I had no interest in women at all. During college I had my first male crush, never lead to anything other than my heart broken and faced reality of being part of the Muslim community. I thought that I'm going to the wrong direction and decided to get married to a woman, an almost arranged marriage. Every day past I knew that I liked men, I kind of accepted my straight life. Recently I'm going through a divorce, for other reasons than being gay. I recognized that I am "gay" and that there are others like me later in my early 30s. Now at my 50s, I realized that nothing that I went through could've changed who I really am. I'm being truthful to myself, but cannot be out to anyone in my family, not even my kids. Once the word is out, I'd face a backlash that I'm not ready to deal with yet.
I was in Year 4, I almost admitted to my best friend at the time that I liked a mutual friend of ours. haha.
Wow, it's really tough when you can't come out to anybody. People who are finally admitting it to themselves, especially those whose moral and religious teachings haved caused them to squelch their feelings for years, need safe places and people they can turn to for support. Their is Empty Closets, where you can remain anonymous, but perhaps a therapist or support group outside of your local area may be an option. It's wonderful to find others who understand.
It's kind of strange how after thinking about this for a while, other clues pop into my mind. I just got to thinking about when I was a kid and my parents had a couple over for dinner. Looking across the table at this man, I noticed how I could see through his open collar the curve between his neck and shoulder. Occasionally he would move such that I could get a better view. I liked the way that sight made me feel arroused. I haven't thought about that for a long, long time!
I’ve shared it in bits, but I’m not sure I’ve written out as one post... Up until I was 27-ish, I thought that I was straight and just not crazy into guys and appearances. My relationship hit a rough patch and I’d daydream about being in a relationship with a woman, which didn’t really make me question anything. After several months, I figured that I was probably bisexual and if I was single again, then I wouldn’t rule women out. A few months later again I started questioning my sexuality and came to the conclusion that I could be gay in theory, as in it fit, but I’d never been attracted to a woman. Then I crossed paths with a woman that I worked with in my early twenties, she smiled it me and I realised that I had a crush on her, not wanted to be her best friend as it had felt at the time. After that, I joined EC and went through a period it intense questioning, and eventually knew that I was gay, but did do a lot of going backwards and forwards for a another year or so.
For me, and this is going to sound really weird, it was probably the first time I saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit and it's the scene where Bob Hoskins has his shirt off and I took one look at him and thought "what is that?"
Thank you @RJH for your advice and concern. I've been on EC since 2014 (on and off), and used the recommendation of many to see a therapist. Since then I talked to 3 of them, and they made a big difference in my life. In 2014 I was consumed by my wife's abuse which pushed me to seek online friendships with other gay men who could understand me, nothing serious. But from since, I decided that divorce is my only way to keep my sanity. I'm going through the divorce now, it has been almost 2 years since we separated. I started meeting other gay guys, in person and in groups and found it very liberating, but still don't see a reason for me to come out to my kids till now. May be in the future, if I find a life partner, then I'll have to justify my behavior to them, till then, I don't see is necessary to rock the boat. I started feeling comfortable with who I am and started to run my life the way I want.
I can relate. I worry people will think I'm fake. I'm feminine, so I doubt anyone would ever guess I was gay!! But if I really butched it up that wouldn't reflect the way I prefer to dress. So I remain invisible. Just me and gay.