How and when did you know you were lgbtq?

The day I stopped and honestly evaluated what I was doing and why. For decades as a serious church going Christian, every same-sex thought brought guilt and required prayer. And every sexual encounter with my wife bored me to tears, so I fantasized about men and boys, and my early sexual history. And I did this most of my life. And one day I said to myself, When did I last have an orgasm looking at or thinking about a female? When did female last figure in my sexual equation? Answer: Seventh grade. Oh. Had to acknowledge it.

 

Age, about 8, but came out and live authentically at aged 42. Better late than never!!

 

Weirdly, I always knew I was sexually attracted to girls (always had fantasies about women, even when I was with a guy!), but I never connected this with being gay (duh!) What a dummy! I just thought I had weird sexual tastes- I always knew I wanted to be with a girl. I had crushes on girls and thought/noticed girls all the time. But I got to a certain age, and wanted to get married and have a baby (everyone else was!) so decided to just "buckle down" and find an appropriate guy to marry. So I did.

Then, a decade later, I realized I had a long term crush on a friend of mine (still don't know how she feels about me, other than friendship, which I'm beginning to accept and try to move on). I also realized my husband was not so great to me (lots of issues), and soon after I turned 40 I sat down, had a good, hard look at my life and realized it wasn't making me happy. I also realized I was probably gay (or at the very least, bi, but honestly, I have zero interest in guys these days). I went through many difficult days of feeling suicidal and crying, not imagining my life to turn out like this- mostly I was concerned about what would people think of me? I think this was my main concern my whole life- that if I told my girl friends I was gay, nobody would be friends with me (I've always had close relationships with girls throughout my life). Guys- meh!

So I left my husband (he confronted me about being a lesbian/bi but I didn't confirm to him, I feel it's none of his business, now that we are apart), and now live with my daughter in the same neighbourhood. Several times a day I think to myself "I'm gay!" and I feel happy. I've told a few close friends, joined a support group, and just generally feel ok. Maybe one day I'll even go on a date...with a woman!

 

Hey sounds like you have been on a journey, but it sounds like you are making great progress. I am sure you will get on your date before too long.

 

Bearheart,
I, too, am in my 50's and just now getting divorced. And I have had the most fun of my life in the past month! I've moved to nearby city that is much more liberal and I've been flirted with by both men and women (but I'm so new at this, I don't even know how to let them know one way or another -- oh, I sort-of know how to graciously turn down women). I accepted invitations for dinner that I NEVER would have accepted and I've done favors for friends (right now they are just friends) that I would have very definitely refused in my other life. I've even noticed some attraction to a woman who very obviously wanted to spend the night with me, but I'm pretty sure it was just my own pleasure at being wanted by someone. The jist of this is that I'm taking chances again and it feels really good. I'm old enough now to not take rejection or dissapointment so hard; I know I can keep on going and I'll be okay. You will be, too.

 

At age 40, I have just realized and accepted it myself. At first, I thought I was just really close to my female friend, but when she declared her love for me, I couldn't say no to kissing her. It has been tumultuous since then, but as I've been working to figure it out, I realized that there have been plenty of hints along the way. Never appreciating a male body but being draw to the female form. Getting really hot over a found Playboy. Wishing that my husband would suggest going to a strip club! Oh, lord, how could I have not realized this sooner?!

 

I had a similar experience masturbating when i was in high school. I was trying to 'get off' on all the pretty girls, I literally was rubbing myself raw, but I couldn't cum. I thought about the 'gay kid' giving me a blow job and came within ten seconds and i was super intense. I felt so guilty. kept it repressed but a few weeks later, I imagined giving him a blow job...

I had girlfriends over the years but most of the time I had to close my eyes and think about being with a guy..

Yeah it sounds so weird now but I always just wrote it off as a kink...even when, looking back I had romantic fantasies too.

 

@ amiready,
I have had very similar experiences. I had a coach in high school who was teaching a health class, who said that you can still be straight and just enjoy looking at pictures of people of same sex (in retrospect, she must have been a lesbian in denial). So, I thought that must be what I was, since the thought of gay sex repulsed me (at that time, given all the jokes kids made about it). So, I thought I was okay, just a guy who was turned on my seeing other guys naked, but still straight. Now I know there's no such thing!

 

My earliest memory of feeling something different then the norm, was at age 9/10.
I knew I was attracted to guys from about 12 - but for years I never once thought of myself as gay. I wasn't anything like the gay people you saw on TV or heard about at school.
It wasn't until things got rough and one night at age 21, I had a bit too much to drink, slept with a guy, and then realised "oh crap, I am actually gay"

 

There are people that like to watch cross orientation porn (lesbian couples with / straight porn )

The weird thing is the thought of gay sex repulsed me but not thinking about gay sex

 

So funny! I thought I was just a straight girl who liked to fantasize about being sexual with girls. I never considered that I would actually want a relationship with one...until I met my current crush and realized OH! I actually want to be with her (still don't know how she feels about me, except we are good friends). I thought I just had a weird sexual perversion too! And while I was with guys I often had to fantasize about being with a girl...I even dated a guy who had long hair and I used to fantasize that he was girl while we were having sex....hellooo....what an idiot I was! (That was 20 years ago!) har!

 

....

....and it never occurred to me I always had to fantasize about a guy....

 

I see so much of me in this thread — thought I was a curious straight guy, then maybe just a kinky straight guy, then maybe bi, then unable to sustain any kind of arousal without thinking about men, finally experiencing the physical and emotional fireworks of the real thing and knowing I’m flaming gay, and never going back

 

When I was in 4th grade, so 10 years old, a new girl transferred to my school. She gave me butterflies and made my heart pound. I wanted to be her very best friend. I went to a Catholic grade school and I didn't know any gay people. I didn't really think what I the feelings I had for these girls were crushes. I thought I just wanted to be like them. I didn't really understand why I didn't have crushes on the boys, but I pretended to because all my friends did. I was really awkward and shy and not worried about not having a boyfriend yet, everyone told me my time would come.

I went to an all girls Catholic high school, and I met a girl who I ran cross country with. She was 2 years older than me and I became enamored with her soon after getting to know her. My infatuation turned to obsession. I ignored all her flaws and began to care significantly less about my grades and other friendships. I think this was the point that something in me deep down knew this was not the way most girls feel about other girls. I began to question if I might not be straight, and the thought terrified me. All my life the community that was supposed to be my support system, the church, had drilled it into my head that being gay is disordered, sinful, unnatural, wrong. I had no one to confide in about it. I would bend over backwards to justify to myself that I wasn't. I thought boys/men were physically attractive after all, and even masturbated to primarily thoughts of guys. I sadly had no close male friends though, because my school was all girls - so girls were who I spent almost all my time with. I figured once I went to college and got be friends with some guys, I would start to be more interested in them. In the meantime I dismissed my very strong feelings for certain friends as "girl crushes".

I spent the first year and a half of college not really having particularly strong feelings for anyone. There were a few guys I thought were kind of cute and I was desperately hoping I had left my "girl crush" tendencies behind me. But the distance from the Catholic girl's school and my family was giving me clarity. It was fall of 2017 when I first started to allow myself to accept the thought. I would say it to myself over and over so it would become less scary - "I like girls" Then I met the girl who changed everything. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had felt these feelings so many times before, only this time, I was honest with myself. I was ready to tell people about my crush on her. About all of it. So finally after a decade of denial, I came out to one of my best friends in March 2018, and in the year following that I came out to the rest of my friends one by one as I became more comfortable with it. This past March, I cut my hair and started expressing my style in a way I feel more comfortable with, and I finally came out to my family. A few weeks ago I told that girl, who became a close friend of mine, that I loved her.

Long-winded but my point is, those are the feelings I recognize from my childhood and teenage years that I realize now were me being attracted to girls. It all seems so obvious now. But fear and confusion and society just had a way of making it not so obvious. I can't answer "how and when did you know you were bi?" without thinking of the whole journey. I'm no longer afraid to be open about my sexuality. Every single moment hasn't been smooth sailing, but I am so much happier. I never thought I'd be able to come out to anyone, tell a girl I liked her, or accept this part of myself but I have been doing it with the help of the amazing people in my life and I'm so grateful.

 

1cgd states it so well. For me after the first time I was intimate with another man I woke up the next morning and knew that this was what I had been looking for. The sexual and emotional connection was unlike anything I had ever experienced with a woman. That day I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was gay and that was how I wanted to live my life. Not as some pretend straight guy but as a "flaming gay man". LOL

 

I just tried looking at some pictures of women today and I realized I have zero interest in them sexually since admitting I might be gay here pretty much my interest in women have complete faded away, it took awhile to realize the only thing I was doing was fighting the idea of being gay...

 

Aimiready I think you will find that as your interest in women sexually fades to zero a certain liberation follows. It forces you to acknowledge your attraction to men and then opens the door to acceptance. After a short while the attraction to men becomes natural and you won’t even remotely think of women as sexual or romantic partners. Two and half years for me and have never looked back nor regretted completely losing the attraction to the opposite sex. Enjoy yourself. Life is short...live it.

 

Yeah there's definitely not a doubt anymore, only resistance...I just realized since coming here and accepting that I am gay my gay feelings are have intensified

 

I feel the same way! Like, why am I so dumb? I always notice girls long before I notice any guys...I was in a four year relationship with a guy I had ZERO sexual chemistry with....I am drawn to women in any situation...I felt dread when I thought about having to date guys, settle down and marry (but I did!)...my husband and I checked out girls together all the time (he thought I was a really cool wife!) Now he's really mad because I left, and he accuses me of using him to have a baby (I swear I didn't, I really loved him for a time, until he turned out to be really mean and disrespectful of our relationship).

I was always worried about what people would think of me...but when I turned 40 I realized....hey....I don't actually care what people think! This is my life and I'm living it the best I know how. Or trying to. Eep!

 

I have no easy answers. But my heart goes out to you. It sounds like agony. Have you heard of the expression "Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea"? It sounds like you are in that place now. Take it slow and steady. X