Falling back into hetero life...

Whilst I agree that rushing wouldn’t be wise and leaving a relationship for a particular person is best to be avoided as it can place unrealistic expectations on the new relationship, I don’t think staying for financial stability alone is without it’s own issues. There’s the risk of resentment developing between partners, as well as the feeling of being completely fed up with life, which won’t create a great environment for children. As long as the situation is handled well and the children are always considered, then there’s no reason to stay in a relationship for them alone. Children feel the negativity in the environment. Condemning yourself to years of misery is not necessarily something that they will thank you for.

I agree with this, it’s why I took so long to take action. But it can be overcome, I spent a year or so career training, which I don’t think is applicable to you, @L8bloomer. But, whilst it’s a good idea to get this sorted first, it doesn’t have to mean making changes are impossible, just something to work towards.

I spent so long caught up on this issue...the guilt for breaking my family up. I think it’s really easy to get caught up on this, which is why I’m responding to this post. I don’t think anyone going through this doesn’t feel and consider the potential impact on those closest to them. If you are miserable and there are big issues (or one big issue) in your relationship, then your children will pick up on that and it might be that you can be a better parent to them outside this relationship.

I don’t think anybody on here is making decisions based on the lack of “fireworks”, it’s more like lack of any kind of attraction. Who wants to have sex out of obligation? Who wants their partner to have sex with them out of obligation? Won’t that breed resentment? It’s not a case of leaving just for sex or because the relationship doesn’t give you everything they want. It’s so much bigger than that; being with somebody of the wrong gender is not the same as being with somebody that doesn’t like the same TV shows as you, for example. Staying means living a pretence. Living a false life and hiding. It eats away at you, makes you utterly miserable.

 

I’m not sure I understand your point...people in relationships should have sex when they don’t want to? And that’s ok? Or we should accept it and not aim for a better relationship?

I responded to your post because it contained many of the things that I (and others) felt guilty and negatively about when going through the questioning process and, to be honest, they weren’t helpful thoughts. Nobody should live a pretence in misery, going through the motions, feeling drained and fed up, because it’s financially easier and maintains the family unit. If that’s their choice, then fair enough, but I don’t think hearing those thoughts echoed by other people is necessarily helpful and I wanted present an alternative perspective for the OP, as I am somebody who has had those concerns and was able to reconcile them.

I’m not familiar with your situation...is it similar?

 

@jsm You are very welcome. I’m pleased it helped - that’s exactly why I replied to that post.

It’s a tough situation. Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself to know what’s best for you and your children.

 

I’m not advising anyone to discount finances - I’ve said (and done) the opposite - I’m just saying they don’t have to be a permanent obstacle and they aren’t the only thing to consider.

Children do “recover” from broken families and are perhaps better off for not living in a negative environment. Living in a traditional family unit is not essential to their happiness, wellbeing and development. Parents who are happy, give them attention and love, together or apart, are important, and it’s easier to do that when not weighed down by relationship/sexuality issues.

I’m not saying that going through the motions is wrong, just that’s it’s not an “easy” option and not without it’s own problems.

I’m not trying to make comparisons, just sharing where my perspective comes from. It’d be interesting to know what your experience of this kind of situation is...do you have a family and children of your own?

I fully accept that what @L8bloomer does is her own choice, but she does not need to follow your example, just as she does not need to follow mine.

For what it’s worth, I have taken a “measured approach” - I joined EC three years ago and I’m still with my partner.

 

Everyone hits that point at different times (and some just don’t, which is what suits them). Based purely on what I’ve seen on EC, I fall on the slower end of the scale, which was partly financial as I was a stay-at-home parent when I first started questioning. It varies from months to years. You’ll know when you’ve hit your limit. For me, it was when I didn’t want to wake up the next day. I think when you get to a certain point, you just need to act. What that point is varies from person to person.

 

It’s not certain though, is it? I agree it’s a risk, but it’s not certain. More likely that they’ll be raised in a tense and resentful environment if their parents choose to stay for the children alone. What example of a relationship would they be set? Better to have separate, but happy parents.

 

...and they should stay and suffer through it, regardless of the impact on those around them and their own mental health? Leaving would show them the same thing, and if handled well, that people can move on and remain on positive terms with each other.

You mean if only one parent is happy? No adult should stay in a relationship to avoid upsetting another adult.

I’m doing the same thing, I completely disagree that it is cold. My patents divorced and I don’t think that was cold either. Children are resilient, they adapt. I’m not trying to harm my daughter. I’m not even acting despite the possible risk. I am doing it because I think it will be a better environment for her. My situation is different admittedly, as my partner is emotionally abusive. But, as I’ve indicated above, I think that would be the case regardless.

It’s impossible to consider every possible scenario. We can only do what we think is best, with the information we have now.